Am I being taken for a ride ?

[jemima]

I've been going out with a good looking man for a couple of months, and although we get on really well in terms of humour and interests, for example, there is something seriously conflicting about our ideas of a 'relationship'. I am not after committment at the moment as I simply don't have time to put the required effort in. He doesn't want a committed relationship either so it appears on the surface that we are fairly well suited to each others' needs - a bit of fun, some affection and careful intimacy.

 

However, he says he doesn't want to make love to me as he;s worried that I'll become too clingy and will want committment from him - that is the last thing that I want. I'm not desperate for sex or anything, but it would sometimes be nice to fulfil some natural human desires. Although I am not a virgin, he says that if we slept together, a future partner of mine may disrespect me for having slept with him !

 

In the meantime, I found out by pure chance, and I'm pretty certain that he is sleeping with his ex girlfriend who lives in another city. I confronted him about this and he denied it, but admitted that he may want to get back with her in the future. My friends feel that I have in effect given him 'permission' to mess me about from the start by telling him that I don't want long term committment (some exclusivity would be nice whilst we are together though !) and now I am left in a situation where he could turn around and say that I implied that it is OK to mess about by saying that I don't want long-term committment. I could be wrong and he could be waitng for the right moment, but I do have a level of self respect and don't want to be made to look a fool.

 

Am I wasting my time waiting for something that will probably never work and is likely to fall apart as soon as his ex returns on the scene next year ?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Cici]

His behavior sounds awfully sketchy to me...

 

I don't know if I would trust him very much because he's not giving you honest, heart-felt reasons for his lack of intimacy. He's giving you superficial excuses. who, in the 90s, would think someone wouldn't respect you for sleeping with someone else? My boyfriend doesn't care about my past partners, as long as I used protection.

 

He's not listening to you either...you said outright that you didn't want committment. Him saying you'll get clingy is a negative judgement on your personality.

 

He sounds a little not honest to me.

I've been going out with a good looking man for a couple of months, and although we get on really well in terms of humour and interests, for example, there is something seriously conflicting about our ideas of a 'relationship'. I am not after committment at the moment as I simply don't have time to put the required effort in. He doesn't want a committed relationship either so it appears on the surface that we are fairly well suited to each others' needs - a bit of fun, some affection and careful intimacy. However, he says he doesn't want to make love to me as he;s worried that I'll become too clingy and will want committment from him - that is the last thing that I want. I'm not desperate for sex or anything, but it would sometimes be nice to fulfil some natural human desires. Although I am not a virgin, he says that if we slept together, a future partner of mine may disrespect me for having slept with him ! In the meantime, I found out by pure chance, and I'm pretty certain that he is sleeping with his ex girlfriend who lives in another city. I confronted him about this and he denied it, but admitted that he may want to get back with her in the future. My friends feel that I have in effect given him 'permission' to mess me about from the start by telling him that I don't want long term committment (some exclusivity would be nice whilst we are together though !) and now I am left in a situation where he could turn around and say that I implied that it is OK to mess about by saying that I don't want long-term committment. I could be wrong and he could be waitng for the right moment, but I do have a level of self respect and don't want to be made to look a fool. Am I wasting my time waiting for something that will probably never work and is likely to fall apart as soon as his ex returns on the scene next year ? Any advice would be appreciated.

[singlegirl]

It sounds to me like he is just using you for company until his ex gets back in town. Maybe he's afraid of becoming too attached to you and screwing things up with her. Or maybe he is just keeping you around in case things don't work out with her. Either way get rid of him. Just one question though, why do you say you don't want a commitment but you want him to be seeing you exclusively? Isn't that the same thing? Think about it. What do you really want?

I've been going out with a good looking man for a couple of months, and although we get on really well in terms of humour and interests, for example, there is something seriously conflicting about our ideas of a 'relationship'. I am not after committment at the moment as I simply don't have time to put the required effort in. He doesn't want a committed relationship either so it appears on the surface that we are fairly well suited to each others' needs - a bit of fun, some affection and careful intimacy. However, he says he doesn't want to make love to me as he;s worried that I'll become too clingy and will want committment from him - that is the last thing that I want. I'm not desperate for sex or anything, but it would sometimes be nice to fulfil some natural human desires. Although I am not a virgin, he says that if we slept together, a future partner of mine may disrespect me for having slept with him ! In the meantime, I found out by pure chance, and I'm pretty certain that he is sleeping with his ex girlfriend who lives in another city. I confronted him about this and he denied it, but admitted that he may want to get back with her in the future. My friends feel that I have in effect given him 'permission' to mess me about from the start by telling him that I don't want long term committment (some exclusivity would be nice whilst we are together though !) and now I am left in a situation where he could turn around and say that I implied that it is OK to mess about by saying that I don't want long-term committment. I could be wrong and he could be waitng for the right moment, but I do have a level of self respect and don't want to be made to look a fool. Am I wasting my time waiting for something that will probably never work and is likely to fall apart as soon as his ex returns on the scene next year ? Any advice would be appreciated.