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After 6 years, is enough ENOUGH?


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Hi,

 

I will try to keep this short and sweet for all you people, I need your advice on some problems I`m having..

 

Let me set the scene. I have been going out with a girl for 6 years now. We had a 6 month break, into the 2nd year. A year ago we got engaged, and our wedding is in 6 months time.

 

My Fiance has a major complex problem. She thinks she ugly and lacks any self-confidence. I have tried to help her with this problem for about 3 years now, and have done everything to help her (and we are talking about everything from professional help to relaxation classes) but nothing worked.

 

I would be able to handle it if she didn`t take things out on me so hard. She doesn`t trust me, even tho I have never been unfaithful. I can`t go out with friends or she thinks I cheating. She hasn`t any friends because she doesn`t trust anyone. She kills me if I were to look at another girl (even by accident) and she informs me what I can and can`t do (ie. No stag night).

 

Am I mad for sticking in a relationship such as this?

 

Is it worth the rest of my life, trying to make someone (who can`t be) happy?

 

Please give me your honest advise, I`m in need of it now because I do love her - its my brain thats saying No..

 

Many thanks..

 

Jim

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Bottom line, you can't make someone do something they're not willing to do. Therapy and counseling only works for patients who are receptive to treatment.

 

You have two options:

 

1) stay wih her and continue to try to help her

 

2) leave and look for a more fulfilling relationship

 

If you go with option #1, you could try talking to her. Bluntly, not skipping and dancing around the real meat of the issue. Like, "you hate yourself so much, you don't trust me, you don't trust anyone else, you won't let me have a normal social life, and you aren't receptive to counseling. What do you propose I do?"

 

If you go with option #2, best of luck, trooper.

Hi, I will try to keep this short and sweet for all you people, I need your advice on some problems I`m having.. Let me set the scene. I have been going out with a girl for 6 years now. We had a 6 month break, into the 2nd year. A year ago we got engaged, and our wedding is in 6 months time. My Fiance has a major complex problem. She thinks she ugly and lacks any self-confidence. I have tried to help her with this problem for about 3 years now, and have done everything to help her (and we are talking about everything from professional help to relaxation classes) but nothing worked. I would be able to handle it if she didn`t take things out on me so hard. She doesn`t trust me, even tho I have never been unfaithful. I can`t go out with friends or she thinks I cheating. She hasn`t any friends because she doesn`t trust anyone. She kills me if I were to look at another girl (even by accident) and she informs me what I can and can`t do (ie. No stag night). Am I mad for sticking in a relationship such as this? Is it worth the rest of my life, trying to make someone (who can`t be) happy? Please give me your honest advise, I`m in need of it now because I do love her - its my brain thats saying No.. Many thanks.. Jim
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Hi, I will try to keep this short and sweet for all you people, I need your advice on some problems I`m having.. Let me set the scene. I have been going out with a girl for 6 years now. We had a 6 month break, into the 2nd year. A year ago we got engaged, and our wedding is in 6 months time. My Fiance has a major complex problem. She thinks she ugly and lacks any self-confidence. I have tried to help her with this problem for about 3 years now, and have done everything to help her (and we are talking about everything from professional help to relaxation classes) but nothing worked. I would be able to handle it if she didn`t take things out on me so hard. She doesn`t trust me, even tho I have never been unfaithful. I can`t go out with friends or she thinks I cheating. She hasn`t any friends because she doesn`t trust anyone. She kills me if I were to look at another girl (even by accident) and she informs me what I can and can`t do (ie. No stag night). Am I mad for sticking in a relationship such as this? Is it worth the rest of my life, trying to make someone (who can`t be) happy? Please give me your honest advise, I`m in need of it now because I do love her - its my brain thats saying No.. Many thanks.. Jim

JIM,

 

I am sure you love her but sometimes you have to put yourself first. Why would you want to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy? Why would you even consider making a lifetime commitment to someone who is so miserable with herself? If she can't even love herself, what makes you think that she can love YOU any better? I am not an expert in relationships but I myself was in a similar situation. It was similar because he didn't want to do anything for himself, he wasn't happy with himself. That in turn made me very unhappy and unsatisfied in the relationship. You know what I learned Jim... You can't help or change anyone who doesn't want to help/change themselves, but you can control what you do with your life and who you have in your life. Surround yourself with people who bring you up, people who empower you, including your fiances. If she really wants to be with you, she'll (hopefully) snap out her depression, persay. My mom told me once that God gave us all a heart, but sometimes our heart is blind to the truth, but He also gave us a mind, an excellent mind to think with and make wise decisions with. Sometimes you can't always follow your heart, you have to analyze the situation and make wise decisions with your mind.

 

Good luck.

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Jim:

 

You're setting yourself up for disaster I think. If your fiancee needs your support and guidance in gaining self-respect for herself, you can most certainly try to be there and help her. Self-respect is just that - SELF respect. Eventually she will have to learn to look within herself and respect the person she is - inside and out.

 

The thing that scares me is her reactions to your accidental look at another girl, not trusting you even though you have been faithful to her and telling you what to do and not to do. Marriage will only magnify her reactions to these things and perhaps make her even more possessive.

 

Eventually, if you marry, she will wear you out - heart and soul and you will find yourself unhappy, unfulfilled and a person you probably won't like to look at in the mirror. You didn't say how young or old you both were so it's hard to tell how much effect all this behaviour on her part will effect you. But if you are both fairly young, first marriage for both; you may still have some growing to do and as that happens, you may find yourself growing up and away from things that you didn't really like in the first place or had concerns about and then your stuck in a relationship that you may not want to be in.

 

It's a very hard situation for you and I can only hope that things work out however they will and that you will find happiness.

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JIM, I am sure you love her but sometimes you have to put yourself first. Why would you want to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy? Why would you even consider making a lifetime commitment to someone who is so miserable with herself? If she can't even love herself, what makes you think that she can love YOU any better? I am not an expert in relationships but I myself was in a similar situation. It was similar because he didn't want to do anything for himself, he wasn't happy with himself. That in turn made me very unhappy and unsatisfied in the relationship. You know what I learned Jim... You can't help or change anyone who doesn't want to help/change themselves, but you can control what you do with your life and who you have in your life. Surround yourself with people who bring you up, people who empower you, including your fiances. If she really wants to be with you, she'll (hopefully) snap out her depression, persay. My mom told me once that God gave us all a heart, but sometimes our heart is blind to the truth, but He also gave us a mind, an excellent mind to think with and make wise decisions with. Sometimes you can't always follow your heart, you have to analyze the situation and make wise decisions with your mind. Good luck.

If you really cared about her you wouldn't leave. I understand the other response but realistically, if you left you'd be selfish. Talk to her, try to help her want to help herself.if you care about her may solve the problem for you but what about her. She's still gonna have that problem whether you're there or not and your leaving may just cause her more problems. If you don't care about her though, get out of that situation.

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Reading your message made me feel as if I were reading something my ex had written about me. I used to be alot like your fiance. I honestly don't know what my ex should have done to help me. What helped me was reading stuff about this disorder and deciding to make changes in my own life. What your girlfriend needs to do is find some things that she is really good at, like some creative outlet or sport or going back to school. She needs to feel that other things in life, like the kind of person she is, are more important than her looks. Maybe it would help if you complemented her on other things besides her looks. Every day let her know why you love her. Don't give up. This is a serious problem. If you had to deal with something like this, wouldn't she be there for you? It sounds like she knows she has a problem, it's just going to take time to work it out. Any marraige has issues, it's how you handle them as a couple that really matters.

Hi, I will try to keep this short and sweet for all you people, I need your advice on some problems I`m having.. Let me set the scene. I have been going out with a girl for 6 years now. We had a 6 month break, into the 2nd year. A year ago we got engaged, and our wedding is in 6 months time. My Fiance has a major complex problem. She thinks she ugly and lacks any self-confidence. I have tried to help her with this problem for about 3 years now, and have done everything to help her (and we are talking about everything from professional help to relaxation classes) but nothing worked. I would be able to handle it if she didn`t take things out on me so hard. She doesn`t trust me, even tho I have never been unfaithful. I can`t go out with friends or she thinks I cheating. She hasn`t any friends because she doesn`t trust anyone. She kills me if I were to look at another girl (even by accident) and she informs me what I can and can`t do (ie. No stag night). Am I mad for sticking in a relationship such as this? Is it worth the rest of my life, trying to make someone (who can`t be) happy? Please give me your honest advise, I`m in need of it now because I do love her - its my brain thats saying No.. Many thanks.. Jim
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