Possible prior sexual abuse?

[Steven]

To make this as short as possible, I think I'm just going to tell the problem instead of explaining the whole situation. I think that the girl I love may have been sexually abused as a child, but I am not sure. She has shown signs of this toward me. At least, from what I hear, they are signs. I'm no expert in the subject, so I wouldn't know. But, I think that if it did happen, then it is what has been destroying our relationship. But, I'm not sure that it happened. But, I don't know how I can find out. I can't just come out and ask her "Were you sexually abused as a child?" If she wasn't, then she would be really embarrassed and angry. Even if she was, then I doubt she would just come out and say, "yes, i was." I don't know what to do. I really love her. Some of the supposed signs of sexual abuse can be tricky, too. For example, I've heard that adults who were sexually abused as children are often very aggressive and promiscuous, which this girl seems to be. But, I can't JUST rely on signs like that (although there are many other signs)--I mean, what if she is just a very independent woman who likes sex? I don't know what to do, but I need to find some help somewhere. I live in a small town and I don't know of any group or center that I can call. If anyone here knows someone I can talk to or if anyone here is an adult who was sexually abused as a child and is willing to talk with me, then please let me know. I'm really confused and scared and I really, really love this girl. Thanks for your help

 

Steven

[Red Dorito]

Would it matter that much if she had? Why not just try to be the kindest, most supportive man you can be, and if she feels close enough to you, she will open up. The only thing that knowing now will do is add pressure to you and make her feel more vulnerable. You say it could be destroying your relationship. Are you sure there is nothing else wrong with it? If she has been, it isn't fair to place all the blame for your collective problems on her. Maybe it is your worrying that she may have been that is the problem. Why not just chill and let her tell you if she wants to tell you. It is her past, and therefore her business.

To make this as short as possible, I think I'm just going to tell the problem instead of explaining the whole situation. I think that the girl I love may have been sexually abused as a child, but I am not sure. She has shown signs of this toward me. At least, from what I hear, they are signs. I'm no expert in the subject, so I wouldn't know. But, I think that if it did happen, then it is what has been destroying our relationship. But, I'm not sure that it happened. But, I don't know how I can find out. I can't just come out and ask her "Were you sexually abused as a child?" If she wasn't, then she would be really embarrassed and angry. Even if she was, then I doubt she would just come out and say, "yes, i was." I don't know what to do. I really love her. Some of the supposed signs of sexual abuse can be tricky, too. For example, I've heard that adults who were sexually abused as children are often very aggressive and promiscuous, which this girl seems to be. But, I can't JUST rely on signs like that (although there are many other signs)--I mean, what if she is just a very independent woman who likes sex? I don't know what to do, but I need to find some help somewhere. I live in a small town and I don't know of any group or center that I can call. If anyone here knows someone I can talk to or if anyone here is an adult who was sexually abused as a child and is willing to talk with me, then please let me know. I'm really confused and scared and I really, really love this girl. Thanks for your help Steven

[Steven]

First of all, YES, of course it would matter if she had been!!!! Second, I never said that this would be the ONLY problem in our relationship. Of course, there are other problems, some of which are my own. But, if she was sexually abused as a child, then I can't wait for her to get close enough to me to tell me because she won't get that close in the first place!!!! She has told me things like "I don't like talking about my feelings and then getting hurt." If that is the case, then I need to know what I can do to get her to open up to me. She told me that she has been very promiscuous in the past. When I told her that I didn't care what she had done in the past, she replied "that's just who I am." THAT IS NOT RIGHT. It seems to me that this girl is so afraid of getting close to someone emotionally that she may NEVER open up about something like that if it did indeed happen. It seems to me now like she is trying to push me away because she is scared. She always tells me that I am perfect and deserve someone better. Now, am I just supposed to sit back and say "okay, I guess she doesn't want me, so I'm going to leave", even though she told me before that she didn't want to be cheated on and that she wanted longevity? Therefore, I came here looking for advice and guidance as to how I could help her as much as possible. I didn't come here looking for ignorant comments that are beneficial in no way to my situation. The LAST thing I need to do now is "chill." As I said before, if anyone can help, please let me know.

 

Thanks,

 

Steven

 

Would it matter that much if she had? Why not just try to be the kindest, most supportive man you can be, and if she feels close enough to you, she will open up. The only thing that knowing now will do is add pressure to you and make her feel more vulnerable. You say it could be destroying your relationship. Are you sure there is nothing else wrong with it? If she has been, it isn't fair to place all the blame for your collective problems on her. Maybe it is your worrying that she may have been that is the problem. Why not just chill and let her tell you if she wants to tell you. It is her past, and therefore her business.

[Red Dorito]

What I was trying to say is that you love this girl, right? Would you love her less if you heard what you suspect? Would you treat her with less respect or less reverence? That is why it should not matter.

 

You cannot imagine the horror she may have gone through and you cannot force her to confide in you. She will only see this as another invasion into her privacy. What you consider to be a reasonable amount of time may not be long enough for her to bare her past. If she is trying to push you away, you must repeatedly reassure her that you want her, you will wait for her. If you are not a patient person, you will not be able to help this girl. When she says she thinks you deserve better, she is showing you she has low self-worth. She is not saying she does not want you. She is saying she can't believe you want her. This is where you are supposed to reiterate that you do want her, you do love her, and that any promiscuity from the past is in the past and you don't care. There is no quick-fix for this situation. I repeat that the only thing you can do is to be kind, gentle, understanding, and patient. You can't demand this woman to tell you her secrets now. It sometimes takes women ten years to admit these things. I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear, and I'm not sure how you perceived my previous comment as "ignorant", but unfortunately you are dealing with a very serious issue and you cannot control how the female mind works. Maybe you should go to a bookstore, I'm sure there are many titles on this topic that will help you.

First of all, YES, of course it would matter if she had been!!!! Second, I never said that this would be the ONLY problem in our relationship. Of course, there are other problems, some of which are my own. But, if she was sexually abused as a child, then I can't wait for her to get close enough to me to tell me because she won't get that close in the first place!!!! She has told me things like "I don't like talking about my feelings and then getting hurt." If that is the case, then I need to know what I can do to get her to open up to me. She told me that she has been very promiscuous in the past. When I told her that I didn't care what she had done in the past, she replied "that's just who I am." THAT IS NOT RIGHT. It seems to me that this girl is so afraid of getting close to someone emotionally that she may NEVER open up about something like that if it did indeed happen. It seems to me now like she is trying to push me away because she is scared. She always tells me that I am perfect and deserve someone better. Now, am I just supposed to sit back and say "okay, I guess she doesn't want me, so I'm going to leave", even though she told me before that she didn't want to be cheated on and that she wanted longevity? Therefore, I came here looking for advice and guidance as to how I could help her as much as possible. I didn't come here looking for ignorant comments that are beneficial in no way to my situation. The LAST thing I need to do now is "chill." As I said before, if anyone can help, please let me know. Thanks, Steven

[Christie]

After reading what you have exchanged with red dorito, it is apparent that you are being impatient and irritated by the fact that your girlfriend is not confiding in you about something that you could have just made up in your head. What's wrong with this picture? You are being paranoid about something that you don't even know happened. Even though you wanted to just cut to the point, if you want serious advice, you need to describe how your girlfriend is acting. Nobody, I mean NOBODY can give you advice on whether they think your girlfriend was abused with the message you have posted. So don't attack people that they made ignorant comments when you yourself did not properly post the problems.

 

Also, it seems like you ARE being bothered by her sexual attitude, whether you say that's not the case, and that could be a problem. If you are truly loving and understanding, why would you even be bothered by her past and her present sexual actions? Before you even claim that you love her, look at yourself carefully. I know how it is to be abused and I have met many people who claimed that they loved and understood me, but the people who truly stayed with me as friends (or lovers) were people who didn't even pry into my past. As a man, you will never understand how it is to be abused. Just know one thing, no matter what you say, or you think you feel about your girlfriend, it is up to her whether she wants to open up to you...and trust me, women know when she wants to open up. Or as I said before, everything could just be your imagination.

[bethbonnie]

What I was trying to say is that you love this girl, right? Would you love her less if you heard what you suspect? Would you treat her with less respect or less reverence? That is why it should not matter. You cannot imagine the horror she may have gone through and you cannot force her to confide in you. She will only see this as another invasion into her privacy. What you consider to be a reasonable amount of time may not be long enough for her to bare her past. If she is trying to push you away, you must repeatedly reassure her that you want her, you will wait for her. If you are not a patient person, you will not be able to help this girl. When she says she thinks you deserve better, she is showing you she has low self-worth. She is not saying she does not want you. She is saying she can't believe you want her. This is where you are supposed to reiterate that you do want her, you do love her, and that any promiscuity from the past is in the past and you don't care. There is no quick-fix for this situation. I repeat that the only thing you can do is to be kind, gentle, understanding, and patient. You can't demand this woman to tell you her secrets now. It sometimes takes women ten years to admit these things. I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear, and I'm not sure how you perceived my previous comment as "ignorant", but unfortunately you are dealing with a very serious issue and you cannot control how the female mind works. Maybe you should go to a bookstore, I'm sure there are many titles on this topic that will help you.

 

Hi, may I ask a few questions...how long have you and this girl being seeing one another?, and would you mind letting me know your ages? I will try to help you under- stand the affects on a girl when there is sexual abuse in their childhood. I guess firstly, when a child trusts an adult and this violation of their innocence occurs, their understanding of 'healthy' love and affection becomes confused. The promiscuity as you mentioned is obviously a deep lack of self-respect, self worth and low self-esteem. In the case of a woman being that way in her behaviour, its not always a result of childhood sexual abuse..it is sometimes because they are looking for a 'daddy' they never had, or a 'love-starved' childhood from her parents, a lack of physical nuturing, lack of affection or bonding. (Some parents come from families where affection was not given to them, and are unable to give it or display it comfortably toward their children). Some woman give theirselves to men (in their teenage and onward years), to feel loved, nutured, cherished,etc, and unfortunately there are some men who say 'I love you' to a girl, so they can have 'sex'. I commend you with the attitude you have toward her past, some men would be less accepting. As for her aggression and saying 'you should find someone better', these words are coming from a person with 'rejection' issues, that may come from her childhood. Do you know much about her relationship with her Mom and Dad? If you dont mind answering the questions I asked initially, I will be more than happy to write more advice...bethbonnie,,, Australia

 

[Steven]

All I said was that MAYBE there was some abuse and I would like to know if anyone knew of any organization or group that I could talk to about abuse. By doing so, then perhaps I could learn more about it. I didn't post our entire situation because I felt it was too long and complicated. That's why I asked if someone knew of someone else I could talk to or somewhere else I can go. And I wasn't expecting advice from the message that I posted, I was expecting to hear from people who may have been in a similar position before. I understand that I may have misunderstood some of what "red dorito" wrote, but my comment about "ignorant" statements was referring to dorito's question of whether or not it would make a difference. That was "ignorant" to me-because whenever someone is abused, OF COURSE it makes a difference. I wasn't implying that it would change how I feel about this girl. I thought that it would help me better understand why she responds the way she does to certain situations. Now, I would like to remind everyone that I was looking for someone who may have experience dealing with abused persons--not the answer to the problem or for the meaning of life. And if I were not a patient person, then i would have given up on this girl a long time ago--so don't make assumptions.

 

After reading what you have exchanged with red dorito, it is apparent that you are being impatient and irritated by the fact that your girlfriend is not confiding in you about something that you could have just made up in your head. What's wrong with this picture? You are being paranoid about something that you don't even know happened. Even though you wanted to just cut to the point, if you want serious advice, you need to describe how your girlfriend is acting. Nobody, I mean NOBODY can give you advice on whether they think your girlfriend was abused with the message you have posted. So don't attack people that they made ignorant comments when you yourself did not properly post the problems. Also, it seems like you ARE being bothered by her sexual attitude, whether you say that's not the case, and that could be a problem. If you are truly loving and understanding, why would you even be bothered by her past and her present sexual actions? Before you even claim that you love her, look at yourself carefully. I know how it is to be abused and I have met many people who claimed that they loved and understood me, but the people who truly stayed with me as friends (or lovers) were people who didn't even pry into my past. As a man, you will never understand how it is to be abused. Just know one thing, no matter what you say, or you think you feel about your girlfriend, it is up to her whether she wants to open up to you...and trust me, women know when she wants to open up. Or as I said before, everything could just be your imagination.

[odyne]

I've followed the whole back and forth conversation about this message. I think everyone seems to be missing the point. In my mind, the most important thing in this situation is the happiness and safety of the girl in question. I agree with red dorito in the fact that it shouldn't matter in terms of acceptance. But on the other hand, it does matter because if it happened, it is part of who she is. The only thing you can do right now Steven, is just be as loving and supportive as you can. When she feels like it is the right time, she will tell you. If it turns out not to be true, or she just can't tell you, then you will have to decide if you can continue the relationship knowing that there may be things you won't ever know about her. It's hard, but it may come to that. If you truly love her though, you will be able to get over it and accept her wishes. Here are some links that may be helpful for you to learn more:

 

http://www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/index/childSexualAbuse/

 

http://incestabuse.about.com/index.htm

 

http://www.mcs.net/~kathyw/abuse.html

 

http://www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/sacc/ifSomeoneYouLove.html

 

I hope those are helpful, here is a hotline number also, they can get you in touch with local counselors who will be able to provide you with more information --

 

National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline

 

1-800-799-SAFE

 

1-800-799-7233

 

1-800-787-3224 TDD

 

Bonne chance, I hope it works out for you. E-mail me if you need any additional help and/or information.

 

-Odyne

[Steven]

Thanks, Odyne. That's what I was looking for--some more information. I want to make sure that everyone understands that this girl's past will never change how I feel about her and I would never pressure her into talking about anything that she didn't want to. I'm just trying to do my best to better understand her. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be spending so much of my time on the loveshack message board. Thanks for your help, everyone.

[CMW]

I have been abused as a child. Without going into great detail, I will say this. I don't tell to many people about it. It's not something I care to dicuss time and time again. Now, at 37, I tell even less. It's just not that important and can actually be more damaging in a relationship than good. I don't believe that one needs to bring up the past in order to deal with the present.

 

However, I have had time to heal. I have gone through a process of forgiveness, etc.

 

If this girl is young, it may be asking too much to try and have her deal with it.

 

I had some problems when I was younger. I did not enjoy sex as much. I had flashbacks, if you want to call them that. It was difficult. But I talked to my husband about it, which brought me comfort.

 

Many, Many women and even men, were abused sexually as a child. You'd be surprised at the statistics.

 

I say you don't allow this to put up a stumbling block in your relationship. You should try to talk to her about yourself, your own backgroun. When you confide in her, she will feel more comfortable about confiding in you. But don't push her, she may not be ready to deal with it.

To make this as short as possible, I think I'm just going to tell the problem instead of explaining the whole situation. I think that the girl I love may have been sexually abused as a child, but I am not sure. She has shown signs of this toward me. At least, from what I hear, they are signs. I'm no expert in the subject, so I wouldn't know. But, I think that if it did happen, then it is what has been destroying our relationship. But, I'm not sure that it happened. But, I don't know how I can find out. I can't just come out and ask her "Were you sexually abused as a child?" If she wasn't, then she would be really embarrassed and angry. Even if she was, then I doubt she would just come out and say, "yes, i was." I don't know what to do. I really love her. Some of the supposed signs of sexual abuse can be tricky, too. For example, I've heard that adults who were sexually abused as children are often very aggressive and promiscuous, which this girl seems to be. But, I can't JUST rely on signs like that (although there are many other signs)--I mean, what if she is just a very independent woman who likes sex? I don't know what to do, but I need to find some help somewhere. I live in a small town and I don't know of any group or center that I can call. If anyone here knows someone I can talk to or if anyone here is an adult who was sexually abused as a child and is willing to talk with me, then please let me know. I'm really confused and scared and I really, really love this girl. Thanks for your help Steven