Selfish Boyfriend on New Years Eve?

[Fran]

Hey guys its Fran again with another problem!!

 

Refresher for you: Dating a 40 year old for 3 months, I am 28, exclusive realtionship.

 

Here is the problem: My boyfriend has given $600 dollars for a time share condo up in nothern VT, four hour drive from Boston where we reside. On New Years Eve plus long weekedn, he wants to go up to VT, and ski and refuses to sit around the city. He is currently lacking in money, and so am I. There is going to be a huge bash NY'rs eve, where his friends and there wives will be partying up a storm, and skiing during the days. He invited me, but I do not want to go.

 

I told him that a nice, romantic dinner on New Years eve, alone with him in Boston would be perfect for me. He said that if it doesn't snow up there, he will stay in Boston that night, and then go up skiing for the rest of the long weekend. Then he said if it snows on New Years Eve, he is going to go up without me, because he says he loves to ski, and he paid good money for this time share.

 

The problem is, I feel like his wanting to go skiing and partying with his friends is more of a priority for him than making me happy. I told him I would go up any other time, just not for New Years, I simply don't feel comfortable going away with him getting drunk, being four hours from home, and not knowing anyone but him.

 

Do you think he is being selfish? He said that he would "play it by ear" depending on the amount of snow up there. I sure feel like I am second fiddle here, and he is placing his love for skiing over making his girlfriend happy. I told him to go without me and have fun, but if he does, when he returns, I am going to dump him. Either way, his plans depend on the "snow" and not me.

 

What do you guys think? Am I being selfish, or just human? I am not a partier, nor a skier, nor do I have the money to go. What do I do??

 

Sorry such a long post, but I need an objective view here. thanks guys.

[Crystal]

how often does he "overlook" your feelings for his own?

 

is he normally a selfish person?

 

it's only been three months and he is much older then you,

 

if you are going to dump him anyway, do it while it's still early in the relationship.

 

i can tell you from my own experience, when i first started dating my current newly fiance, he was the same way, he would go to california, vegas, concerts, ballgames, etc, everything i did not want to do.

 

he always invited me though, but i always declined, and i always felt hurt, and left out as well, so i can definitely relate to that!

 

then as we got more into our relationship, and i threatened to leave him several times due to our seemingly un in common list, he started to change, slowly gradually but definitely.

 

now after four years, we go places together, he would not go to california or vegas alone, but to balls games i don't care anymore.

 

my point is, that people do change, and maybe it is too early to expect him to give up his fun for you, but there is hope that he will but wheather you want to wait is another story and then again it may never happen.

 

so all in all i probably havent' been much help, but i truly do sympathise with you. keep us posted, this board has been slow lately, lol.

Hey guys its Fran again with another problem!!

 

Refresher for you: Dating a 40 year old for 3 months, I am 28, exclusive realtionship. Here is the problem: My boyfriend has given $600 dollars for a time share condo up in nothern VT, four hour drive from Boston where we reside. On New Years Eve plus long weekedn, he wants to go up to VT, and ski and refuses to sit around the city. He is currently lacking in money, and so am I. There is going to be a huge bash NY'rs eve, where his friends and there wives will be partying up a storm, and skiing during the days. He invited me, but I do not want to go. I told him that a nice, romantic dinner on New Years eve, alone with him in Boston would be perfect for me. He said that if it doesn't snow up there, he will stay in Boston that night, and then go up skiing for the rest of the long weekend. Then he said if it snows on New Years Eve, he is going to go up without me, because he says he loves to ski, and he paid good money for this time share. The problem is, I feel like his wanting to go skiing and partying with his friends is more of a priority for him than making me happy. I told him I would go up any other time, just not for New Years, I simply don't feel comfortable going away with him getting drunk, being four hours from home, and not knowing anyone but him.

 

Do you think he is being selfish? He said that he would "play it by ear" depending on the amount of snow up there. I sure feel like I am second fiddle here, and he is placing his love for skiing over making his girlfriend happy. I told him to go without me and have fun, but if he does, when he returns, I am going to dump him. Either way, his plans depend on the "snow" and not me. What do you guys think? Am I being selfish, or just human? I am not a partier, nor a skier, nor do I have the money to go. What do I do??

 

Sorry such a long post, but I need an objective view here. thanks guys.

[anon]

You want your boyfriend of only 3 months to blow off an expensive, non-refundable ski trip with friends and family (to which you are invited) so yo two can spend time alone on new year's eve?

 

Why are yo testing your relationship like this?

 

And why don't yo want to ski with him?

 

I think you are being very self-centered and manipulative.

 

Please, go enjoy the mountains. Meet new people, have fun with this man.

 

I suspect he ha always liked skiing and wants to share a fun time with you.

 

How come you need him to make you happy? and if so, why should he give up a ski vacation for your happiness?

 

You two have only dated 3 months, ok?

[Laurynn]

Why is she being self-centered and manipulative?...she's told him to go, it's not like she's given him any ultimatum. He's a big boy and free to make choices (and face the consequences, just as she will)....

 

Most couples make a decision *together* as to what they're going to do for New Year's Eve.....if anyone was self-centered, I think it was him....for forking out a pile of cash to do something that only HE wants to do....he didn't even discuss it with her first. Since when does one person in a relationship make a choice for both?

 

I'm assuming that he knew she doesn't ski. Very easy for you to just tell her she should learn to ski but it's not quite that simple.....maybe she's never skiied before? Maybe she doesn't have the proper ski attire (which sure the hell aint cheap), and she's already admitted that she's low on cash.......maybe, like some people, she has no desire to freeze her ass off and risk breaking her neck on a mountain, no doubt with people who are well advanced skiiers, who'll leave her behind in the dust (been there, done that).

 

And she's exactly right...it's going to be a very costly weekend. Sure, he's paid for the time share, but what about meals? lift tickets? ?ski rentals? gas? drinks? That's easily another $300 right there, or more.

 

This is their first New Year's Eve together......this is a pretty significant one, I think. She has every right to feel ticked and choked and not taken into consideration. Seems he plans on going without her, so I say she SHOULD dump his ass (when he gets back, of course). Relationships are made up of *2* people......not one who calls the shots for both. He didn't even take her wishes into the least bit of consideration......and he's basically leaving her in total limbo.....making her feel like she's 2nd place to the snow. I say he's a d*nk.

 

I don't think this about her needing him to make her happy......no, this is about respecting your partner, learning to compromise and communicating with them prior to making decisions of this nature. She might as well just be single if she's with a guy who wants to just 'do his own thing.'

 

L

[anon]

Well, you certainly raise good points. But I stand by what I said. They've only dated for 3 months. And who in New York doesn't have cold weather gear?

 

I'm thinking that the travel plans were made well before they got together.

 

Who says the guy just wants to do his own thing?

 

Are you saying that wanting to share what some people think is a fun activity is a bad thing?

 

I'm not saying that the guy's such a great guy. All i'm saying is that this early in a dating relationship is a time to cut some slack.

 

My first date with my now wife of 21 years was a ski trip. We both were broke. She'd never been skiing.

 

I borrowed ski gear for her to use so we could go together without her shelling out bucks.

 

I taught her to ski, I didn't ski off leaving her stuck n the slopes.

 

Come on! This could end up being a fun thing.

[Crystal]

i think part of the problem is that he is going with other people that she does not know. that in itself is scary and not a very comfortable thing to go through especailly if you are on the shy side.

 

i sorta and sorta not agree with the manipulation thing, maybe a subtle/martyr kind of manipulation, though she tells him to go, i do that to, in hopes my guy will not go anyway, will see the little pout, the supposedly little guilt trip, etc.

 

i'm not saying she is doing any of that at all because i just don't know, none of us do, but it sounds like me and that IS what i would do! i can at least admit it here, but never to my guy, hell no!

 

maybe age plays a part in it as well, he is older and probably well set in his way whilst she is quite young, compared to him and maybe personality clashes here as well because he seems more outgoing and boisterious while she seems more mellow laid back.

 

that's my opinion anyway.

Well, you certainly raise good points. But I stand by what I said. They've only dated for 3 months. And who in New York doesn't have cold weather gear? I'm thinking that the travel plans were made well before they got together. Who says the guy just wants to do his own thing? Are you saying that wanting to share what some people think is a fun activity is a bad thing?

 

I'm not saying that the guy's such a great guy. All i'm saying is that this early in a dating relationship is a time to cut some slack. My first date with my now wife of 21 years was a ski trip. We both were broke. She'd never been skiing. I borrowed ski gear for her to use so we could go together without her shelling out bucks.

 

I taught her to ski, I didn't ski off leaving her stuck n the slopes. Come on! This could end up being a fun thing.

[anon]

Well, if the gal's shy, that wil be a problem for her, her whole life.

 

At any stage of her life she will be put in situations where she has to meet new people. That really is a separate issue from her being invited to a ski trip and wishing that she and this guy spent time alone on New Year's Eve.

 

It wasn't clear to me whether or not she had asked him to do that before he made the ski trip plans. But it seemed unlikely.

 

One thing I don't think she considered is that this guy may be thrilled to death that he is dating her and WANTS to show her off to his friends and family.

 

BTW, the subtle/not-so-subtle manipulation you describe is not a good way to conduct oneself in a relationship. Maybe some guys are not aware of it, maybe some guys think it a little cute, but I know that all guys when faced with that type of behavior over a long period of time get annoyed by it.

 

BTW II, that isn't to say there are no annoying male habits.

 

BTW III, if this guy is trully the "one" for her, what is one New Year's Eve spent doing something fun of his choice, doing something she may actually find she enjoys, compared to a lifetime of New Year's Eves together?

 

BTW III, what is the big deal about New Year's Eve anyway?

 

BTW IV (last one), time off from a job is a precious and hard thing to come by compared to say, Xmas break from school, so scheduling a ski trip for a working stiff has to take advantage of holidays to conserve vacation days.