I desperately need an advice

[Daria]

I've been in a relationship for 3 months. I am totally in love with him, and he feels the same about me. Things are going very well, and we spend a lot of time together.

 

My best friend of 11 years resents this. I have to admit that for 11 years she and I were joined at the hip. We did many things together: travel, going out, we were also roommates for 6 of those 11 years. Although she and I both dated previously, perhaps because we didn't date the "right people", our friendship always came first.

 

That is, until now...

 

I do not want to lose her as a friend, but this relationship is very important to me. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a partner. I want to give it my best and see where it may lead. This means spending more of my time with him and less with my friend.

 

I tried to explain to her that I want to give this relationship every chance and every opportunity to blossom; that she and I had 11 "uninterrupted" years to establish our friendship; and that now I am taking some time for myself (selfishly, perhaps) to see whether this love may lead to something... I still call her every day, although we argue more than we talk. We see each other about once a week, and she is not a happy camper about that either. The more she pushes and makes me feel guilty about "abandoning" her, the more I lean the other way.

 

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I haven't made enough of the effort. I really NEED someone else's opinion as I probably see the situation only one-sided.

 

Any honest comments and advices will be very much appreciated.

 

Daria

[yes]

I can see why your friend would feel yucky - nobody likes to lose attention of someone close to them ...

 

I think you can balance this out by meeting her a couple times a week - I mean you need time away from your guy, right? - and just being a lil extra-nice since she is sensitive about it ... like dont spend the whole time with her ranting about how perfect your guy is ...

 

your friend should realize that once u'r past the first few months of fireworks, you'll be more balanced out and she will get more of your attention again ... but if she doesn't, a nice xmas gift and nuff phone calls, etc can probably help ...

 

if she gets TOO pushy about it, say what u said here - the more u argue, the less appealing it is to spend time with her, and the more u feel like she's, in fact, pushing you away.

 

does she have a bf btw? maybe set her up with someone? get her busy as well?

 

Just some ideas for ya...

I've been in a relationship for 3 months. I am totally in love with him, and he feels the same about me. Things are going very well, and we spend a lot of time together. My best friend of 11 years resents this. I have to admit that for 11 years she and I were joined at the hip. We did many things together: travel, going out, we were also roommates for 6 of those 11 years. Although she and I both dated previously, perhaps because we didn't date the "right people", our friendship always came first. That is, until now... I do not want to lose her as a friend, but this relationship is very important to me. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a partner. I want to give it my best and see where it may lead. This means spending more of my time with him and less with my friend. I tried to explain to her that I want to give this relationship every chance and every opportunity to blossom; that she and I had 11 "uninterrupted" years to establish our friendship; and that now I am taking some time for myself (selfishly, perhaps) to see whether this love may lead to something... I still call her every day, although we argue more than we talk. We see each other about once a week, and she is not a happy camper about that either. The more she pushes and makes me feel guilty about "abandoning" her, the more I lean the other way. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I haven't made enough of the effort. I really NEED someone else's opinion as I probably see the situation only one-sided.

 

Any honest comments and advices will be very much appreciated. Daria

[Jodie]

I have a best friend who is also newly involved in a relationship, and she and I were also joined at the hip.

 

I was totally happy for her until, as the weeks progressed, she started forgetting to return my phone calls, then, when we did make plans to see each other, she would either cancel or bring the boyfriend along!

 

I figured I would tell you what I wish my friend would do and then maybe you could use this in your friendship.

 

All I want from my best friend is for her and I to make a commitment to say one or two nights in the week where we can catch up, alone, and stay in contact, say every Thursday and Sunday night. Those nights can be labelled girls nights.

 

Another thing you should remember is that this friendship will be there for you no matter what, your relationship may not be. You don;t want to spend all your time with this guy, neglect and lose contact with your friend, and then break up with him a year later, to find your friend has found other friends and you two have grown apart.

 

Trust me this is what is happening with my best friend, and I now hang out with other girls. I feel resentment growing because I feel she only calls now when it is convenient for her, and my needs do not matter.

 

I know I, just like your friend probably knows as well, that I / she would be there in a second if there was a problem, but can you or my friend really say the same?

 

If you make some time for her during the week, and a decent amount of time, not just one hour, to make her feel special, then this problem shouldn't happen.

 

However, if she is being totally unreasonable, then explain to her that while you will catch up with her as much as you can, you also have other people you need to give attention to.

 

Oh, by the way, the fact that this problem worries you, is a great thing. You are being an excellent friend to consider her feelings!

 

GOOD LUCK!

I've been in a relationship for 3 months. I am totally in love with him, and he feels the same about me. Things are going very well, and we spend a lot of time together. My best friend of 11 years resents this. I have to admit that for 11 years she and I were joined at the hip. We did many things together: travel, going out, we were also roommates for 6 of those 11 years. Although she and I both dated previously, perhaps because we didn't date the "right people", our friendship always came first. That is, until now... I do not want to lose her as a friend, but this relationship is very important to me. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a partner. I want to give it my best and see where it may lead. This means spending more of my time with him and less with my friend. I tried to explain to her that I want to give this relationship every chance and every opportunity to blossom; that she and I had 11 "uninterrupted" years to establish our friendship; and that now I am taking some time for myself (selfishly, perhaps) to see whether this love may lead to something... I still call her every day, although we argue more than we talk. We see each other about once a week, and she is not a happy camper about that either. The more she pushes and makes me feel guilty about "abandoning" her, the more I lean the other way. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I haven't made enough of the effort. I really NEED someone else's opinion as I probably see the situation only one-sided.

 

Any honest comments and advices will be very much appreciated. Daria

[anon]

I mean no offense, but the primary role in your life should be the man you love (and he, the women he loves).

 

Friends are important, but as you mature and grow in life the family unit that you make with another is the most important relationship you will have.

 

if your friend does not understand that, then the friendship is taking up more of her emotional capacity than it should.

 

I think this is something that happens to women more than men.