trying to accept

[Katherine]

I recently had to leave a relationship after being involved for a year because I could not get a job in Amsterdam where we both lived...I made the decision to move back to US where job prospects for me were better. This relationship was wonderful...easy, natural, committed (atleast while I lived there), filled with laughter and all the little, special acts of kindness that make life easier, happier every day. Although we did not talk much about our feelings, I never felt so loved and adored; I truly understand that actions do speak louder than words...all those little things add up over time, day after day.

 

The relationship ended basically the day after I left to go back to the US. I did not expect this at all--I thought the separation would only be temporary and that I'd find my way back to Europe sooner rather than later. When I left, we were together, intimate, close, lovers, friends and within 48 hours of leaving, it was all over. I have barely spoken to him since -- this was 2 months ago -- and really am still in a state of shock. It went from 'we'll give this relationship the test of time and distance' to 'let's make a clean break, there is no future'.

 

When I was with this man, I relied on his actions, eye contact, etc and because of the attention and support he gave me daily, I trusted that he cared deeply for me. Now I don't know what to think. He's told me he doesn't think there is a future, but that if we were in the same country again, there would be a chance. I say let's work to make that happen, but he will not meet me halfway. I just do not understand his behavior at all...I know I should probably just accept what he says and move on, and find a future with someone else. But because I've never seen him say it, I find it so terribly difficult.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm truly desperate to feel at peace with this situation.

[Tony T]

Different people deal with loss in different ways. Chopping things off with you abruptly upon your departure may very well be his way of dealing with the abandonment and separation.

 

He may have experience in long distance relationships and has found that they don't work out well for him. He is obviously not a very good communicator or maybe he just doesn't want you to know what's behind his behavior.

 

In cases where you really can't get to the bottom of things psychologically, you have to deal with the reality at hand. It seems he is not wanting the togetherness you once had and he's correct in that it's not really possible at this time considering the circumstances. He may not trust that you will actually return, based on possible past experiences he may have had with others.

 

You will have to let go of this whole thing unless you think you can get back into his proximity on a long term basis. Even then, you are not assured that this will be a forever keeper.

 

Cherish the times you spend together and understand that wherever you go in the world, relationships you have will be temporary unless you plan to stay there or return fairly soon.

[Princessa]

Different people deal with loss in different ways. Chopping things off with you abruptly upon your departure may very well be his way of dealing with the abandonment and separation. He may have experience in long distance relationships and has found that they don't work out well for him. He is obviously not a very good communicator or maybe he just doesn't want you to know what's behind his behavior. In cases where you really can't get to the bottom of things psychologically, you have to deal with the reality at hand. It seems he is not wanting the togetherness you once had and he's correct in that it's not really possible at this time considering the circumstances. He may not trust that you will actually return, based on possible past experiences he may have had with others. You will have to let go of this whole thing unless you think you can get back into his proximity on a long term basis. Even then, you are not assured that this will be a forever keeper. Cherish the times you spend together and understand that wherever you go in the world, relationships you have will be temporary unless you plan to stay there or return fairly soon.

I like what this individual had to say very much, and frankly, I doubt I could add much to improve upon it. Perhaps you could share your grief with us to help you recover from this. One thought I do have to say that occurred to me as I was writing here: perhaps he feels some resentment after all, that he was not aware of or could not communicate back then, that he really wished that you had made a greater effort (and/or had a greater desire) to stay in his country despite the obstacles. And since there really was no spoken agreement about how you would both cope with this situation, perhaps the lesson is that while unspoken love is a very beautiful thing, the verbal skills necessary to work out the inevitable differences and other practicalities between you are just as important, and need to be cultivated by both you and your partner.

[Katherine]

Thank you both for your responses. I try to cherish the time we had together, but am often overwhelmed as to how unfair the situation seems to me. I did make an effort over several months to find a job there; in the end we both agreed it made more sense for me to go back to US...although we did not discuss it in great detail.

 

Since then, I have made it unbundantly clear that I could get back there and would go back there (just a matter of time); but he does not say 'that's great' more like 'can't make any promises'...and 'take me out of the decision equation.' He has had to deal with loss before; the death of his mother at age 15 (he said he was finally able to let his mother go because she was suffering, and would be in a better place after she left; he compared my leaving and his ability to let me go to this event)...he also lost his first love when she moved back to US for college.

 

I thought what I was doing was the only choice I had; I was not prepared to be without work and lose my sense of identity, independence...that is what happens over time. By leaving and devising a plan to come back on stronger footing, I actually thought it was the only way to preserve the relationship. The worst thing is that I cannot find acceptance of this situation; it just does not feel right or add up...I've never ended a relationship when we things were so 'good'...never left someone with a passionate kiss and then never to see them again.

 

Advice, support, just sharing this grief does help.

[Princessa]

Thank you both for your responses. I try to cherish the time we had together, but am often overwhelmed as to how unfair the situation seems to me. I did make an effort over several months to find a job there; in the end we both agreed it made more sense for me to go back to US...although we did not discuss it in great detail. Since then, I have made it unbundantly clear that I could get back there and would go back there (just a matter of time); but he does not say 'that's great' more like 'can't make any promises'...and 'take me out of the decision equation.' He has had to deal with loss before; the death of his mother at age 15 (he said he was finally able to let his mother go because she was suffering, and would be in a better place after she left; he compared my leaving and his ability to let me go to this event)...he also lost his first love when she moved back to US for college. I thought what I was doing was the only choice I had; I was not prepared to be without work and lose my sense of identity, independence...that is what happens over time. By leaving and devising a plan to come back on stronger footing, I actually thought it was the only way to preserve the relationship. The worst thing is that I cannot find acceptance of this situation; it just does not feel right or add up...I've never ended a relationship when we things were so 'good'...never left someone with a passionate kiss and then never to see them again. Advice, support, just sharing this grief does help.

And I want to you share your grief and support you during this very painful time. Perhaps what hurts the most is the trust you had placed in him since you had shared yourselves with each other in such an intimate way. Your love and your trust (perhaps they are inseparable?) were growing, only to have it (the trust) "taken away" for no apparent reason. I myself would feel extremely hurt and angry to to have such a sense of being cherished, only to then to be shunted aside so seemingly carelessly.

 

Yet I wonder if the action most needed for healing is not also the action that was most missing that brought this sudden change of heart (on his side)on in the first place-- that is a gentle yet skillful confrontation about yours and his real feelings.

 

How and why was it that he went from "we'll give this relationship the test of time and distance" to "let's make a clean break, there is no future." And what was it that was preventing the two of you from more openly discussing your feelings anyway? What prevents you from asking him what accounts for shift from love and commitment to "can't make any promises?" (Is it possible that he is seeing someone else? Or that this a repeating pattern for him?) I wonder how true love, trust, and even intimacy can be built without an honest, open, and courageous discussion of feelings?

 

It seems to me that you are trusting us (and yourself) by disussing your feelings and thoughts openly here, and apparently that is helping you. Admittedly I have a very strong belief in this direction-- that this kind of verbal heart-felt dialogue is necessary for healing and love to happen, at least in certain circumstances and/or for certain people at certain times.

 

I admire your candor, your awareness of yourself, and your insight to be able see what looks to me like very strong parallels between your leaving and his mother's "leaving." Seeing this parallel would likely help me to accept what for me would be an excruciatingly painful situation. This would help me come to peace that much sooner. I am hopeful that it is helping you likewise.

 

I want to thank you for sharing with us the gift of your vulnerabilty, grief, and insight. I believe many people have had grieving, confusing situations not unlike yours, and when it is shared and understood, then we are all healed just that much more.

 

I would be pleased to receive your feedback on what I just said. In the meantime, namaste.

[Katherine]

Princessa

 

Thank you so much for your kind, soothing words. I finally did call my ex yesterday and we had a long discussion about his feelings. Basically, although he loves me and adores me, he feels deep in his heart, in his gut, that I am not 'the one.' His feelings for me are strong, otherwise we wouldn't have spent nearly a year together as we did...so close, so intimate.

 

Much of what he said was difficult to hear, but I needed to hear the facts. I kept thinking that if we could be the same country again, that it would work out. I told him that I was a hopeless romantic with a huge heart, and his response to me sums it all it up: 'I am too, I have that same capability. And if I felt that strongly about you, I'd be finding a way to the US or happily waiting for you here. But it's not the way I feel.'

 

So, that gentle confrontation of feelings did provide some further closure. Atleast I am fortunate in that he is being honest with me. But it still feels like someone punched me in the stomach.

 

I suppose in a way this relationship was more in the fantasy realm...not in real life. Kind of like those a beautiful summer romance that you get to extend for a year, but somewhere deep down inside you know it's not meant to be forever.

 

I hope that I can be stronger now, and move forward and let him go. The worst thing is that there is a part of you that doesn't want to give up, does that make sense?

 

so, how do you move on?

And I want to you share your grief and support you during this very painful time. Perhaps what hurts the most is the trust you had placed in him since you had shared yourselves with each other in such an intimate way. Your love and your trust (perhaps they are inseparable?) were growing, only to have it (the trust) "taken away" for no apparent reason. I myself would feel extremely hurt and angry to to have such a sense of being cherished, only to then to be shunted aside so seemingly carelessly. Yet I wonder if the action most needed for healing is not also the action that was most missing that brought this sudden change of heart (on his side)on in the first place-- that is a gentle yet skillful confrontation about yours and his real feelings. How and why was it that he went from "we'll give this relationship the test of time and distance" to "let's make a clean break, there is no future." And what was it that was preventing the two of you from more openly discussing your feelings anyway? What prevents you from asking him what accounts for shift from love and commitment to "can't make any promises?" (Is it possible that he is seeing someone else? Or that this a repeating pattern for him?) I wonder how true love, trust, and even intimacy can be built without an honest, open, and courageous discussion of feelings? It seems to me that you are trusting us (and yourself) by disussing your feelings and thoughts openly here, and apparently that is helping you. Admittedly I have a very strong belief in this direction-- that this kind of verbal heart-felt dialogue is necessary for healing and love to happen, at least in certain circumstances and/or for certain people at certain times. I admire your candor, your awareness of yourself, and your insight to be able see what looks to me like very strong parallels between your leaving and his mother's "leaving." Seeing this parallel would likely help me to accept what for me would be an excruciatingly painful situation. This would help me come to peace that much sooner. I am hopeful that it is helping you likewise.

 

I want to thank you for sharing with us the gift of your vulnerabilty, grief, and insight. I believe many people have had grieving, confusing situations not unlike yours, and when it is shared and understood, then we are all healed just that much more. I would be pleased to receive your feedback on what I just said. In the meantime, namaste.

[Miss Mojo]

hi katherine,

 

whilst i have never had a long-distance relationship, i can very much sympathise with how you are feeling right now.

 

not too long ago, i had a relationship that i would describe exactly as you described yours - loving, full of affection, lots of fun, committed, very smooth, and very natural - until he pulled the rug from under my feet and broke it off with me. everything seemed to be going along just fine, just like it always had. but obviously for him, it wasn't, otherwise he would not have called it quits.

 

i found the breakdown of this relationship extremely painful because, while it lasted, it was the kind of relationship that everyone envies. i was incredibly happy, in la-la land until i felt like i'd had my right arm removed. i realise now that part of my problem was getting "lost" in the relationship..consumed by it to a degree. it was so important to me, but at the same time, i failed to take the realistic view of "hey...this MAY not last forever, so don't bank on it". i also feel that a massive part of my pain could have been attributed to convincing myself subconciously that he was "the one"....turns out he wasn't even though he used to often talk about us having a future.

 

i know losing a relationship that seemed so promising hurts like hell. i cried, i lost my appetite, i cried some more, i tried to analyse the situation (THE WORST THING TO DO), i lost confidence in myself temporarily....the usual "side-effects" or "withdrawal effects" of not getting the love drug anymore.

 

in hindsight, i think getting over it involved a lot of writing (very cathartic), talking to friends, a bit of soul searching, a sh*t load of tears, and taking each day as it comes and knowing that with each new day, i was one day closer to getting over that loss. good days mixed with bad days are inevitable. a few times i found myself crying at work and felt like a complete tosser. i'd never had that happen before and it was so overwhelming. knowing that i wasn't the only person to ever feel that way and that his decision to break up with me had nothing to do with me as a person helped too.

 

i wish i could give you a list of guaranteed ways to get over that ex, but unfortunately i can't, other than to say look after number one, know that for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be and that in a painful way you now have the opportunity to learn so much about yourself and what you want and a door has now been opened for THE ONE. i know you don't feel these things now, but believe me, you will in time...and how time flies. i thought the first few months after our break-up would be the longest months of my life. how wrong i was. i was nowhere near over it for a while, but i honestly feel ok now. i miss him and i will always love him, but i don't hurt anymore.

 

you'll find yourself healing and you won't even be aware of it. you'll get there.

 

best wishes