Still struggling...

[unnamed]

I haven't posted here in probably six months. It's been to long away.

 

If any of you remember the story behind my girlfriend and I, it was pretty simple. We have a pretty good relationship. The foundation is reasonably solid, and we work together pretty well. We're both 18. Except one major issue: I have not been able to get over her sexual history. She did very little, and did not have sex, but on the other end of the spectrum, I did nothing. Consequently, I have an extremely difficult time dealing with this.

 

It's not like I am being completely unfair to her. On one hand, I did nothing before her so my problem is justifiable. But on the other hand, I should be letting her history go and focusing on her and I alone.

 

But I am unable to do this.

 

And with that, I have been stuck with this problem for a year and a half now. To me, that seems too long. But when I look at her when I'm not bothered by it, the time spent sometimes seems worth it.

 

I've accepted the fact that I will probably never get over this. Either I move on, and I ride it through, knowing that it may never end.

 

Am I going to hit a brick wall one of these days? I think so. I don't know what my limit is. I know I'm getting close though. It gets to me all the time. Every single day. I've been told to leave so many times.

 

What do you people suggest? Both my girlfriend and I are heading off to University this coming year, which would be the ideal time to separate.

 

Endure it or leave her?

 

Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance.

[sparkle]

Geeeez!!! Leave her already!!

 

I'm beginning to wonder why she's even putting up with someone that cannot deal with her past...

 

Do her a favor and move on. But you will eventually have to work this problem out on your own. She didn't even have sex with someone yet you can't get over her past a year later?

 

I think it's best to end this relationship now. It's not going anywhere. You screwed up by hearing about her past when you didn't know how to deal with it.

 

But I guarantee you that EVERY SINGLE GIRL YOU MEET will have some sort of a past. How are you going to deal with it then?

 

In your next relationship, DO NOT discuss your past nor find out any information about hers. Keep it in the past. Don't ask her about how many guys she's dated..how many guys she's kissed..or even if she's ever hugged a guy or shook his hand. That is probably the best way to deal with it if you can't accept people for who they are and not what they did in the past with someone else.

[Ed]

Here's my two cents. But since I have responded to you before, the tally is adding up, so maybe it's ten cents or something. Anyway...

 

It's not like I am being completely unfair to her.

 

I really don't know what you mean by "completely". Unfair is unfair! No matter how you slice it or dice it. You are being, at least partially, unfair! Fairness has nothing to do with this anyway and like the old saying goes..."who said life was fair?" Determining what's fair or defending fairness, in this case, will not solve anything.

 

On one hand, I did nothing before her so my problem is justifiable.

 

Justifying a problem helps you understand why you have a problem, but does very little if anything toward solving it. Many times, people justify their problems for the sole purpose of maintaining them, not solving them. You will have to deal with all kinds of problems in your lifetime. You can either live with these problems or you can solve them. I prefer the latter. The best way to deal with them is to find solutions that work for you. Instead of agonizing over this for the foreseeable future, make a list of possible solutions (Hint: don't put anything on the list that you aren't willing to do. It won't help). Once you have a list of solutions, narrow it down and pick the one that you think works best for you. That's all you can do about it.

 

But on the other hand, I should be letting her history go and focusing on her and I alone.

 

You say this is what you "should" be doing. Where is this "should" coming from? "Shoulds" have the connotation that someone else told you to be this way or that way. "Shoulds" also carry a great big guilt trip with them. You get around this by saying to yourself, "I will let go...", "I am letting go..." or "I will NOT let go...", "I am NOT going to let go...".

 

You obviously have a problem letting go. Letting go of what? An ideal? A hope? A dream? Are you afraid of the future and what it may hold for you or what it may not hold for you? You are not alone. All of the people in the world at one time have struggled in this way. Some stay that way all their life.

 

Think and act in terms of "I am...", "I am not...", "I will..." and "I will not...". Doing so will enable you to move forward in your life, instead of stagnantly wallowing around in this indecisive pool of "shoulds" and not letting go of things you can't and will never be able to control.