your thoughts please...

[biff]

Here's the deal, sorry so very long.

 

I've been in a relationship for well over ten years. We are family now. Not married, more. Family. Me 36, her 47, our boy 16. (actually they were a package deal, but I think of him as "my boy") We get along great, own property together, live in the house we remodeled together (our 3rd.), and trust and love each other.

 

The issue is, about eight years ago, the touching dried up. She has gone thru "the change" and is uninterested in touching, sex, and intimacy in general. I realize that this is somewhat chemical, and somewhat just her time in life, and don't take it personally. She feels enormously guilty about it. I try to never make her feel guilty about it. It has been very difficult on us. So our living situation is almost like the gay roommate situation, except that I'm straight, and if I were to go get laid or date someone that would be hurtful to her. I don't want to hurt her.

 

I love women, I work with many attractive women, I meet attractive, interesting women almost daily, and have sometimes been sexually attracted, but have pursued none of it. Other women tend to pale in comparison, being with her made me redefine a lot of what I looked for in a woman. So a resolving of the situation has not happened yet. Just not interested in anybody I've met. Even tho' a big part of a natural relationship was missing, if I don't want to see anybody, it doesn't really matter now does it?

 

The trouble is, I screwed up.

 

I met someone I would really like to go out with.

 

Really.

 

Not just horny male here talking.

 

It just happened.

 

She is something else. She moves me with a power that I felt when I met my woman for the first time. We have not touched, just talked. I can't go there behind my woman's back. Not that kinda guy.

 

My woman would not stop me if I pursued the other.

 

I do not want to leave, or hurt my woman. We both realize that there while what we have is wonderful and fulfilling, guys were not designed to go without touching, intimacy, and sex for 7+ years at a time. We also realize that we may have already had sex for the last time ever. Ever. She is also afraid that her "oomph" may never come back. Ever.

 

So, tis a weird situation.

 

SO:

 

1.) Should I pursue this?

 

2.) If so how should I broach the subject?

 

3.) How can I make sure not to hurt my woman?

 

4.) Should I pass?

 

your thoughts are appreciated...

 

biff

[Tony T]

1.) Should I pursue this?

 

If you free yourself from your current relationship, sever those ties, etc. But it sounds like you're boxed in with all kinds of obligations. Split up the property and go separate ways.

 

You said you didn't want to hurt your lady but it would devastate her if you started having an affair and I promise you she would find out.

 

Pursue this only when you have cleared the way by doing all the groundwork of ending your current relationship and freeing yourself from all the obligations, promises and committments of same.

 

2.) If so how should I broach the subject?

 

Broach the subject with whom? You do not need to inform your lady that you wish to cheat on her or have an affair. You simply need to tell her the relationship is not fulfilling for you any longer and that you would like to terminate it in a loving, kind way. Then do so.

 

3.) How can I make sure not to hurt my woman?

 

You cannot hurt her. She can only hurt herself. However, by cheating on her, you will supply the data with which she will become hurt. You can be sure not to hurt her by putting off all activities with other women until your ties with her are severed, all property matters and settled, child custody is agreed upon and the two of you are living separately.

 

4.) Should I pass?

 

Pass what? If you're talking about passing on having an affair, that's your call. But this is nothing that can stay a secret for long. You've got many years to live and it seems you have quite an active libido, certainly compared to your partner. Sex seems to be a very important part of your life and a need you have. That's quite natural and you need not be ashamed of that.

 

If you feel compelled to seek out sexual activity for yourself, clear the way as described above and then you can do so conscience free.

 

Under no circumstances tell you current partner why you want to sever the relationship, if that's what you decide. But do not become sexually active with others if you plan to remain in a relationship with your lady of many years. Your mind cannot comprehend the complications that will arise if you try to keep all things going at the same time.

 

Life is too short. Make a decision on the direction you want to go and who you want to be loyal to and stick with it.

[Lilly]

Consider that the grass probably isn't greener on the other side.

 

Seems we live in a 'trade-up' era. We trade smaller homes for bigger ones, older cars for newer. We want, we want, we want. Something or someone else is always going to be better.

 

Why would our relationship be the one exception to the rule?. Maybe, with a different partner, our needs would be met and met more often and we'd finally be satisfied.

 

Obviously there are times when a new partner is the answer... seems as if that's exception rather than the norm. Often the fantasy of someone different is a lot better than the reality of someone different. I know many people who left their partners for someone else - someone younger or better looking, or someone who gave them more attention, be it in the bedroom or not, or who had more money or whatever. Without exception, the fantasy was better than the reality.

 

New partners may be great, but, like the rest of us, they have issues of some sort. Along with new partners come a new set of problems. You'd have to put up with something else. Guaranteed. There's just no way around it. NO ONE is perfect.

 

Sex is very important to you, very important in a rewarding and fullfilling relationship... if you really feel you aren't ever going to go there with your current lady again, then do get out and pursue this new lady.

 

But reality is... you can't look into the future, next month, next year her sex drive could come back. Who knows?. Why not concentrate on improving her libido? She's not the first to experience this, she won't be the last. Has she gone to see a GP? There ARE pills available to help with this, there is a lot of information (books, literature)around. Do some research... deal with the problem!.

 

Otherwise you may just discover that the grass isn't always greener.

 

Best wishes.

[Tony T]

Very well put. I haven't seen the subject set out this clearly in a long time.

 

Many thanks.

[Crystal]

well before you go off having an afair consider this:

 

even tho she is going thru the change there is nooooo reason for her NOT to have a sex drive...believe me i've been down this road already at age 44, so i know...

 

my whole family started "the change in our late 30's to early 40's and there are ways to get around this lack of sex drive...

 

you need to be able to bring this up to her tho...

 

tell her to have her hormone levels checked...

 

all of them, including:estrogen, progesterone, testerone, DHEA, thyroid, estradial, and what ever else she and you can think of...

 

she needs to see her dr. as there IS help for this problem, it need not be a "problem" if she has an open mind and is willing to try things the dr. suggests..

 

also there are herbs that will/can help with this...DHEA is one of them, but i would recommend 7-keto DHEA as it is for women and wont make them grow facial hair...

 

there are other things as well but i can only remember the DHEA as that is what i have used and believe me it helps alot...

 

the other hormones can be treated and cause for this problem. i hope you don't have an affair...having been cheated on myself in the past, albeit several yrs ago, it is the one thing that will destroy a person and their trust.!!!

 

ask her to see a dr. for testing of the hormones and don't forget the thyroid one as if women have hypothyrodism as i do and once it is treated it can literally make a difference in your whole world and that is a fact!!!!!

 

so please talk to her before you do anything else!!!

 

if after that and she wont do anything to help get the feeling back again, then maybe you will need to talk to her again about your needs....but i hope you don't have an affair as tempting as it may be...just stay far away from this other woman, you don't need the temptation now do you???

 

if she were to get her desire back would that solve things??? i hope so...good luck!

Here's the deal, sorry so very long. I've been in a relationship for well over ten years. We are family now. Not married, more. Family. Me 36, her 47, our boy 16. (actually they were a package deal, but I think of him as "my boy") We get along great, own property together, live in the house we remodeled together (our 3rd.), and trust and love each other. The issue is, about eight years ago, the touching dried up. She has gone thru "the change" and is uninterested in touching, sex, and intimacy in general. I realize that this is somewhat chemical, and somewhat just her time in life, and don't take it personally. She feels enormously guilty about it. I try to never make her feel guilty about it. It has been very difficult on us. So our living situation is almost like the gay roommate situation, except that I'm straight, and if I were to go get laid or date someone that would be hurtful to her. I don't want to hurt her. I love women, I work with many attractive women, I meet attractive, interesting women almost daily, and have sometimes been sexually attracted, but have pursued none of it. Other women tend to pale in comparison, being with her made me redefine a lot of what I looked for in a woman. So a resolving of the situation has not happened yet. Just not interested in anybody I've met. Even tho' a big part of a natural relationship was missing, if I don't want to see anybody, it doesn't really matter now does it? The trouble is, I screwed up. I met someone I would really like to go out with. Really. Not just horny male here talking. It just happened. She is something else. She moves me with a power that I felt when I met my woman for the first time. We have not touched, just talked. I can't go there behind my woman's back. Not that kinda guy. My woman would not stop me if I pursued the other. I do not want to leave, or hurt my woman. We both realize that there while what we have is wonderful and fulfilling, guys were not designed to go without touching, intimacy, and sex for 7+ years at a time. We also realize that we may have already had sex for the last time ever. Ever. She is also afraid that her "oomph" may never come back. Ever. So, tis a weird situation. SO: 1.) Should I pursue this? 2.) If so how should I broach the subject?

 

3.) How can I make sure not to hurt my woman?

 

4.) Should I pass? your thoughts are appreciated... biff

[Tina]

Reading your post I can't help but be shocked that a 47-year-old woman went through menopause when she was only 39!! How is it that a woman so young could loose interest in touching and sex?? This worries me alot as a woman in her early thirties because I just love sex and can't fathon ever not being interested in it in the future. Was your woman really into sex before? I'm sorry to not address some of the more important issues in your post, but this is so shocking to me that I am looking for reassurance that this will never happen to me, for that would be the worst thing imaginable!

 

Here I was questioning how much sex drive women in their sixities have, and now we're only talking about someone in her fourties.

 

It's true though that I remember when my mom went through menopause in her early fifties I remember that she made some a very pessemistic comment about not desiring sex anymore. This worried me, but I was too embarassed to talk to her about it.

 

Gee, I want to be having sex as long as I live and I don't want to become a bitter, frigid woman after menopause like so many women I encounter. Why do so many older women become so bi--chy? Does it have to do with not feeling desirable anymore?

 

This is one of the reasons why I go with older men because my worst nightmare is to be with a younger guy who suddenly finds me undesirable later...

[Laurynn]

Great response, Crystal! I think it's really helpful for him to read the first hand experiences from someone who's gone through it..and I totally agree with all you've written/suggested. Hormones during menopause can play a HUGE part on libido.....and so many women don't realize that there ARE things that can be done about it. So many women suffer through this time, which often causes them to feel like less of a woman, they end up depressed, it affects their marriage adversely. Any woman going through this should go to their family doc, or better yet, a gynecologist, who specializes in this sort of thing. It's sooooo common but there are so very many things that can be done about it. And if this has gone on for some time and the woman has actually become depressed, her doc might even put her on antidepressants, but she should make sure it's the ones that don't affect the sex drive (I think Welbutrin or ?Effexor are ones that don't decrease sex drive).

 

There's tons of information online, about "Menopause and decreased libido"..all one has to do is search for it, read up on it, get informed, share that info with wife/partner and encourage her to seek the appropriate help.

 

L

[biff]

Oops! at little clarifying of the situation might be in order... I love the responses, helps get an outside view that I really need right now....

 

If I pursue this woman at all, it will be with the full knowledge/approval of my woman. I don't do things like that.

 

If it requires losing my woman, I'm not into that.

 

This is not a replacement I'm looking for. No one person is everything to everybody. I realize how lucky I am. The grass is not greener on the other side. (unless it's over the septic tank) (love you Erma!)

 

As a couple we are in a "One day you WILL have to go elsewhere if you ever want to get laid again" frame of mind. The situation has not ever presented itself, I am loyal after all. It's very, very hard to find a woman that I really could be close with. Or actually really interested in.

 

Even if we both realize this is inevitable at some point, that doesn't make it easy to "kick things off." Could you go to your partner, even knowing they are in the same frame of mind as you and say "I've got a date on Saturday?" I doubt it. Even if they want you to go, it isn't that easy.

 

And yes, this can happen to a rather sexual woman at 39.

 

Our sex/touching/intimacy-in-general life before was great. Could not have asked for better. She is as freaked out by this as I am. She also feels that a good physical life is part of a regular normal relationship. Hormone therapy, thyroid, multiple gynecologists, lots of research, more research, vitamins, excercise, even Oprah and yoga can shed no clues to or answers. Open-minded about medicine and alternatives is her middle name.

 

My woman and I had the conversation early on, about whether I would be 46 and her 57 (or me 56 and her 67) and me still want to be with her. She was worried that I would be the one who wouldn't be interested. Funny ole thing life, ain't it? ...

 

thanks for your help!

 

biff

[Lilly]

So you've TRIED alternative therapies, medication... all to no avail? Wow... you got me worried now and I'm only 32! LOL. There MUST be something out there that can help with this... I refuse to believe there isn't! (for my own sake).

 

What you are talking about is having an open relationship for the purpose of meeting your sexual needs. I have known a couple with an open relationship... funny, the reasons they looked outside the relationship in the first place WAS because of the woman losing interest sexually due to the 'change'.

 

It's worked for them... but that is ONLY because they have been together for some 18+ years, it would be quite dangerous, I would think, for a young couple to venture into this territory. They have the deep foundations of trust, respect and honesty there, which by the sounds, is where you are with your lady.

 

However, I do remember in conversation that the beginning WAS difficult... even though the brutal honesty was there they definately had to deal with the feelings that green eyed monster, jealousy brought up.

 

You say "If I pursue this woman at all, it will be with the full knowledge/approval of my woman" and "This is not a replacement I'm looking for". If honesty all round is your goal then I assume it would also be important to get the knowledge and approval of the new lady in question. You've not mentioned how you plan to deal with that part of the equation. The only way this will work is to be upfront with all involved otherwise someone may be unnecessarily hurt.

 

She needs to know from the start about your partner and that this is a joint decision in looking outside the relationship to meet your sexual needs. You need for her to make her own decision based on facts... you need her approval to be someone who is ultimately in your life to meet your sexual needs. It will be hard to find a lady who is willing to go along with these terms... but not impossible I expect.

 

I'm flabergasted nothing medically has worked. Food for thought.

[Crystal]

lilly don't despair over this (yet)

 

these things may never even happen to you!!!

 

here is some other herbs that i have heard about that have helped some people with low to no sex drive....

 

i don't endorse any of these....

 

i still think DHEA is the way to go...

 

i can't believe that this lady has tried every avenue

 

and every test and every medication???

 

but who am i to judge?

 

Maca is supposed to help with libido some.

 

Damiana is known to help some with sex drive and sexual health, especially with females, but also with males to a lesser degree.

 

Ginseng is mentioned by some to be helpful as is Ginkgo Biloba, but both have effects that build over time rather than just working immediately. You may have to take them daily for a month or two to see the most benefit. Ginseng is a general tonic that balances your body and gives you a little energy by helping your body burn fatty acids rather than sugar for energy. Ginkgo increases blood flow, especially to your extremities.

 

maybe a different kind of dr. would be able to help..

 

like an naturopathic?

 

can't think of the others right now...but i think if you/her want to get things straighted out she/you will explore EVERY avenue..

 

the best thing i can think of to tell you is that when getting test results, that most tests are in the normal low range and one should strive to get them above mid range..

 

so when they are saying this and that is "normal" i would ask for copies of test and see where she falls in the lab range...there are always other dr.s that are willing to go an extra step further to help and not just leave someone out there with no hope.....good luck!

 

So you've TRIED alternative therapies, medication... all to no avail? Wow... you got me worried now and I'm only 32! LOL. There MUST be something out there that can help with this... I refuse to believe there isn't! (for my own sake). What you are talking about is having an open relationship for the purpose of meeting your sexual needs. I have known a couple with an open relationship... funny, the reasons they looked outside the relationship in the first place WAS because of the woman losing interest sexually due to the 'change'. It's worked for them... but that is ONLY because they have been together for some 18+ years, it would be quite dangerous, I would think, for a young couple to venture into this territory. They have the deep foundations of trust, respect and honesty there, which by the sounds, is where you are with your lady. However, I do remember in conversation that the beginning WAS difficult... even though the brutal honesty was there they definately had to deal with the feelings that green eyed monster, jealousy brought up. You say "If I pursue this woman at all, it will be with the full knowledge/approval of my woman" and "This is not a replacement I'm looking for". If honesty all round is your goal then I assume it would also be important to get the knowledge and approval of the new lady in question. You've not mentioned how you plan to deal with that part of the equation. The only way this will work is to be upfront with all involved otherwise someone may be unnecessarily hurt. She needs to know from the start about your partner and that this is a joint decision in looking outside the relationship to meet your sexual needs. You need for her to make her own decision based on facts... you need her approval to be someone who is ultimately in your life to meet your sexual needs. It will be hard to find a lady who is willing to go along with these terms... but not impossible I expect. I'm flabergasted nothing medically has worked. Food for thought.

[Lilly]

Hey Crystal,

 

I don't have a problem with low sex drive... not yet anyways! Hopefully not in my lifetime!.

 

I was simply surprised that this lady has tried so many things so far but to no avail... there MUST be something out there that will make a difference. I like the sound of Ginseng though... will be looking at that the next time I'm at the healthfood shop

[Crystal]

sorry lilly...

 

i didn't mean to imply that you do have a problem now, but you seemed worried about it maybe happening in the future..

 

hopefully not tho!!!

 

i don't know if you remember recommending that book called "love yourself, heal your life"?

 

well i bought the work book instead and it is really interesting!!!

 

i don't agree with all that she says, like you can heal yourself from diseases like cancer, etc....

 

that would be nice...she goes a little overboard on affirmations, but otherwise i am totally enjoying the book..

 

i also bought a co-dependency workbook and am anxious to get started on that one too!

 

thanks for the help and i hope you don't have any "problems" later in life...lol!!!

Hey Crystal, I don't have a problem with low sex drive... not yet anyways! Hopefully not in my lifetime!.

 

I was simply surprised that this lady has tried so many things so far but to no avail... there MUST be something out there that will make a difference. I like the sound of Ginseng though... will be looking at that the next time I'm at the healthfood shop

[Lilly]

Glad you are enjoying the book, I've had it for years and often refer to is for one reason or another.

 

I know it's a bit over the top to think anyone can cure themselves from cancer but there ARE cases where people HAVE healed themselves from cancer and other terminal diseases by dealing with their past.

 

Personally, I know daily affirmations can have a HUGE effect on us. Our brains are like computers, we only get out what we put in. Put in more good stuff, get more good stuff outta life. Affirmations work, I kid you not!.