Friendships and Romance

[Whisper]

My boyfriend and I have a mutual friend. I am sort of long distance from him. Close enough to for us to spend weekends together, but far enough away where we do not see each other everyday. He comes to visit me on the weekends, but during the week our friend is typically over at his house. She lives close to him and we were both friends with her before we started dating. In the begining she encouraged our relationship.

 

At first I had no problem with her often being over there, realizing that there was nothing between them but a close friendship. But recently she got very angry at my boyfriend for putting me before her.

 

He used to give us both rides to a camping trip we take every month with other people. She used to sit in the front seat all the time, claiming to be car sick. After we started dating my boyfriend asked her to start sitting in the back seat, saying that it would be unfair to make his girlfriend sit in the back. She started screaming at him and they almost stopped being friends over it. Now, she just will not ride with us anywhere. I offered to let her sit up front, but my boyfriend says it would not be right and he does not believe she gets as sick as she claims.

 

She spends most weeknights at his house and my boyfriend calls me everynight. She also start screaming at him for talking on the phone too often to me. Saying that he should be entertaining her. I am confussed by this anger, because she is always over there and is really no longer like a guest. I could understand it if she only came by once in a while.

 

Eventually, she apologized for getting angry to him. I spoke to her about the situation and asked if she was upset that we were dating. She claimed not to be upset by it, but told me that she knew him longer and his girlfriends will come and go, while she'll be here forever. She also said she is sick of him always talking to her about me, she feels like a third wheel and that she was not going to hang out with either of us as much.

 

She has not actually cut back on seeing him, but she has sort of cut back on talking to me.

 

The two of us are really close, but I am feeling like she is competiting with me over my boyfriend. She always answers the phone when I call and lately has started making him dinner.

 

She claims I am closer to her than her own family and that she would die for me. But, I feel that despite her words that she is overly attatched to my boyfriend and even though her anger has faded, I think there is something not right about her having been that angry.

 

My boyfriend seems to think that everything is okay now. That she has some problems and jealousy, but that its getting better.

 

I used to never be jealous and threatened by her, but tonight when I called and she bragged about the dinner she was making him I found myself feeling hurt, upset and confussed.

 

I am not sure what to do.

[BeenThere]

This self proclaimed female friend/psycho is bad news!! Keep your eyes wide open! She has alterior motives, and they're NOT in *your* best interest!

 

My boyfriend and I have a mutual friend. I am sort of long distance from him. Close enough to for us to spend weekends together, but far enough away where we do not see each other everyday. He comes to visit me on the weekends, but during the week our friend is typically over at his house. She lives close to him and we were both friends with her before we started dating. In the begining she encouraged our relationship. At first I had no problem with her often being over there, realizing that there was nothing between them but a close friendship. But recently she got very angry at my boyfriend for putting me before her. He used to give us both rides to a camping trip we take every month with other people. She used to sit in the front seat all the time, claiming to be car sick. After we started dating my boyfriend asked her to start sitting in the back seat, saying that it would be unfair to make his girlfriend sit in the back. She started screaming at him and they almost stopped being friends over it. Now, she just will not ride with us anywhere. I offered to let her sit up front, but my boyfriend says it would not be right and he does not believe she gets as sick as she claims. She spends most weeknights at his house and my boyfriend calls me everynight. She also start screaming at him for talking on the phone too often to me. Saying that he should be entertaining her. I am confussed by this anger, because she is always over there and is really no longer like a guest. I could understand it if she only came by once in a while. Eventually, she apologized for getting angry to him. I spoke to her about the situation and asked if she was upset that we were dating. She claimed not to be upset by it, but told me that she knew him longer and his girlfriends will come and go, while she'll be here forever. She also said she is sick of him always talking to her about me, she feels like a third wheel and that she was not going to hang out with either of us as much. She has not actually cut back on seeing him, but she has sort of cut back on talking to me.

 

The two of us are really close, but I am feeling like she is competiting with me over my boyfriend. She always answers the phone when I call and lately has started making him dinner.

 

She claims I am closer to her than her own family and that she would die for me. But, I feel that despite her words that she is overly attatched to my boyfriend and even though her anger has faded, I think there is something not right about her having been that angry. My boyfriend seems to think that everything is okay now. That she has some problems and jealousy, but that its getting better. I used to never be jealous and threatened by her, but tonight when I called and she bragged about the dinner she was making him I found myself feeling hurt, upset and confussed. I am not sure what to do.

[Tony T]

Your girlfriend is one truly screwed up, immature psychoperson. I can't believe you would date a guy who would have her around so much. She's bloody nuts.

 

Yes, she does absolutely have a thing for your guy. It may just be a close friend thing but it's enough to make her jealous of others taking up his time. She needs to get a life and get out and find some romance for herself. I would say it's really unhealthy for her to be spending all her time with your guy in lieu of doing other things socially.

 

You should be concerned and you should discuss this thoroughly with your boyfriend. This lady could ultimately be the destruction of your relationship. She is right there with him and you are not. That's hard to compete with.

[Miss Mojo]

hi whisper,

 

so your boyfriend feels that her problems are getting better, eh? geez, i dread to think how she would have behaved *before* her apparent improvement.

 

i don't think there's any doubt about it that your friend is jealous. and immature. and insecure. and possessive.

 

even though she was the one that introduced you to your boyfriend, i don't think she would have anticipated at the time how the closeness that developed between you and your boyfriend would have made her feel. because your relationship with your boyfriend is on a very different level to a friendship, she probably feels she has taken a back-seat to the friendship she had with both of you before you met. things have changed and she is not accepting that. she is jealous of the closeness that has developed between you and your guy. she can't say she feels left out of things when she is constantly at your boyfriends place and she is communicating less with you.

 

there's also the possiblity that when your boyfriend wasn't attached, she didn't want him. now that he is attached, she wants what she can't have. and now she is really peeved. it seems to me that she is trying to make you feel threatened by cooking him dinner and spending a lot of time at his place.

 

i think this girl needs a lesson in what true friendship is. she introduced you to this guy, you became his girlfriend and she should be happy for you. a true friend doesn't carry on like a nutcase and attempt to emotionally blackmail you with comments such as "i would die for you"..."you're closer to me than my own family".

 

relationships may come and go, but your friend needs to realise that the time spent between boyfriends and friends is divided different when relationships come along.

 

also, is your boyfriend aware of the things she is saying to you and how it makes you feel?

 

perhaps a good talk with her is in order. she needs to be aware of how this is affecting you. don't attack her, but start with something like, "i know you're entirely happy with this situation at the moment. you know you can talk to me and be honest".

 

if she doesn't get her actions in check and grow up and stop acting like a 14 year old, she could very well end up losing the affection of the two people she is vying for.

 

best wishes

[Miss Mojo]

perhaps a good talk with her is in order.

she needs to be aware of how this is affecting you. don't attack her, but start with something like, "i know you're entirely happy with this situation at the moment. you know you can talk to me and be honest".

quote should read: "...NOT entirely happy...."

[Whisper]

Well, she does have romance of her own. In fact she jumps from relationship to relationship very quickly. I think maybe that is part of the problem. Her current one is about to end.

 

I have always been in the background socially to her. She is louder, more outgoing and dresses more revealingly then I do and I've always just sat back and let her be the center of attention.

 

I started to do that with my boyfriend as well, which would have been a mistake. He stopped it by talking to her and then to me, to let me know that he might no longer be friends with her. This was after she got angry. But when I called her that night to make sure that she was okay, she didn't want to talk to me and asked for him right away. They talked and she apologized for being angry.

 

Then I spoke to her and asked her if she had any problems with us dating, which she denied it, but really seemed bothered still.

 

My boyfriend knows that I'm uncomfortable with things right now, I've been pretty honest with both of them. He says that she wanted to be first in his life and they just needed to butt heads a few times.

 

Everything appears calm, but I cannot help but think that she was so angry because she either likes him or is upset about our relationship.

 

I figure, I just need to be very aware of the situation. Sadly, I need to stop trusting her and assume that she might try to interfer with our relationship. I think she already has tried when she told him not to talk to me so often.

 

I feel like I really trust my boyfriend, but we have not been dating that long and this situation is enough to keep me from fully giving up trust. At least he realized there was a problem before I talked to him and at least he was willing to stop the friendship if need be.

 

But if she ever stomps her feet and he comes running, I'll have to end the relationship. I might not cry loud, but I still won't be second place in my boyfriend's life.

 

I would end the relationship just to avoid the awkwardness, but he treats me well in ways I've never experienced. Spends money on me, cooks me dinner and seems to adore me. And I really do not want to end it, especially just because someone threw a fit about us.

 

But I think I still need to be alert. Sometimes guys pretend to be nice in the begining of a relationship and then later get worse. And he does have a woman, trying to tear him away from me right there.

[BeenThere]

I think you have found a healthy way to deal with the situation for now. This girl (how old is she?) sounds more like a jealous mother-in-law than slighted friend. My advice would also be not to confide in this girl on a personal level. Be polite, but keep a safe distance. I would also try to avoid the "threesome." You and your boyfriend should be allowed some "alone time" without this this emotionally needy tag-along. Don't ask your boyfriend to make a choice between the two of you...wait to see if he has the integrity to make the decision on his own. This will tell you a lot about HIS character. I certainly hope he's not flattered by all of this and allows his ego to stand in the way of good judgement. As for you, be cautious and take it slow. Don't allow this potential relationship to turn into a game of tug-o-war. Try to keep a level head and remain calm. The more mature you are; the more foolish this girl will look.

 

Good luck to ya. Sounds like you'll need it!

Well, she does have romance of her own. In fact she jumps from relationship to relationship very quickly. I think maybe that is part of the problem. Her current one is about to end. I have always been in the background socially to her. She is louder, more outgoing and dresses more revealingly then I do and I've always just sat back and let her be the center of attention.

 

I started to do that with my boyfriend as well, which would have been a mistake. He stopped it by talking to her and then to me, to let me know that he might no longer be friends with her. This was after she got angry. But when I called her that night to make sure that she was okay, she didn't want to talk to me and asked for him right away. They talked and she apologized for being angry. Then I spoke to her and asked her if she had any problems with us dating, which she denied it, but really seemed bothered still. My boyfriend knows that I'm uncomfortable with things right now, I've been pretty honest with both of them. He says that she wanted to be first in his life and they just needed to butt heads a few times. Everything appears calm, but I cannot help but think that she was so angry because she either likes him or is upset about our relationship.

 

I figure, I just need to be very aware of the situation. Sadly, I need to stop trusting her and assume that she might try to interfer with our relationship. I think she already has tried when she told him not to talk to me so often.

 

I feel like I really trust my boyfriend, but we have not been dating that long and this situation is enough to keep me from fully giving up trust. At least he realized there was a problem before I talked to him and at least he was willing to stop the friendship if need be. But if she ever stomps her feet and he comes running, I'll have to end the relationship. I might not cry loud, but I still won't be second place in my boyfriend's life. I would end the relationship just to avoid the awkwardness, but he treats me well in ways I've never experienced. Spends money on me, cooks me dinner and seems to adore me. And I really do not want to end it, especially just because someone threw a fit about us. But I think I still need to be alert. Sometimes guys pretend to be nice in the begining of a relationship and then later get worse. And he does have a woman, trying to tear him away from me right there.