i feel sick to my stomach about counseling today.

[ileana]

my bf and i are going to our first counseling session today. originally it was suppose to be to help us communicate better. but i have a problem with insecurity and jealousy and just plain ole feeling threatened by other women. lately we have gotten into a few arguements about my control and he changed some plans to accomodate me and a few other incidents as well. now he wants to bring "everything" up in counseling!

 

this guy acts so damm arrogant at times, and thinks he has no problems, that i'm the one with all the hangups, etc. and that is why he is going to counseling with me, to expose me so to say.

 

i'm really nervous, i feel like running away right now before he even comes back. i can pack in record time when i feel threatened or the need to escape.

 

i know i have these problems, but i also know that i don't want to be confronted with them at least not in front of him.

 

i've spend so much time denying alot of things and being so ambilivent about this relationship that i don't know if it is worth the pain of counseling. does that make sense? anybody? i feel so exposed

[Tony T]

Calm down, relax, take some deep breaths. Give up the idea that you have to be Miss Prissy Perfect. Now relax and stay calm.

 

It's not going to kill you to confront some of your shortcomings. The purpose of counselling, in this case, is to see where the problems are in your relationship. If the root cause is in some issues of yours, they need to be addressed.

 

If your guy is so closed minded, so immature, so savage that he would come down on you if, God forbid, you should have to confront some issues of your own...then you need to dump his butt TODAY!!!

 

The reason we are on the planet is to grow, to better ourselves, to improve our lives. You should be looking forward to this counselling with great anticipation. If you are intent on being stuck where you are, without confronting the problems you may have, then you shouldn't even be going...and you shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

Now, you need to be more open minded and understanding yourself if you expect others to be so with you. Without being confrontational, you should discuss your boyfriend's arrogance and other issues with the counsellor. Be kind, mature but firm in your discussion. Get some resolution. If you go into this session in combat mode, nothing will get accomplished.

 

By the same token, if your boyfriend becomes confrontational or accusative, tell him to back off. Let him know the two of you are in counselling for the purpose of improving the relationship. Tell him to point out the problems he has with you in a calm, loving way so that an atmosphere of healing will prevail.

 

If both of you will be mature...grown-up...about this session, it could be the best thing that ever happened in your life.

 

Now, I can certainly understand why you may not want to be confronted with certain problems in front of a counsellor with your boyfriend present. In that case, let your guy go in alone with the counsellor for half the session, then you go in alone for the second half. Schedule other sessions alone if necessary. When you feel comfortable with it, then go in together. That's when you will be able to work through issues together with the counsellor and improve your relationship.

 

Don't think that major changes can be effected with only one or two visits to the therapist.

 

You are going to have to confront your crap sooner or later...so do it now. Why would you want to put off becoming a better person?????

[Kathryn]

WOW!! You sound like me! I can pack and split in record time also! I am dealing with the whole jealousy issue and I'm not handeling it very well at the moment, so I can't advise you on that. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it doesn't feel good.

 

Kathryn

Calm down, relax, take some deep breaths. Give up the idea that you have to be Miss Prissy Perfect. Now relax and stay calm. It's not going to kill you to confront some of your shortcomings. The purpose of counselling, in this case, is to see where the problems are in your relationship. If the root cause is in some issues of yours, they need to be addressed.

 

If your guy is so closed minded, so immature, so savage that he would come down on you if, God forbid, you should have to confront some issues of your own...then you need to dump his butt TODAY!!!

 

The reason we are on the planet is to grow, to better ourselves, to improve our lives. You should be looking forward to this counselling with great anticipation. If you are intent on being stuck where you are, without confronting the problems you may have, then you shouldn't even be going...and you shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

Now, you need to be more open minded and understanding yourself if you expect others to be so with you. Without being confrontational, you should discuss your boyfriend's arrogance and other issues with the counsellor. Be kind, mature but firm in your discussion. Get some resolution. If you go into this session in combat mode, nothing will get accomplished. By the same token, if your boyfriend becomes confrontational or accusative, tell him to back off. Let him know the two of you are in counselling for the purpose of improving the relationship. Tell him to point out the problems he has with you in a calm, loving way so that an atmosphere of healing will prevail. If both of you will be mature...grown-up...about this session, it could be the best thing that ever happened in your life. Now, I can certainly understand why you may not want to be confronted with certain problems in front of a counsellor with your boyfriend present. In that case, let your guy go in alone with the counsellor for half the session, then you go in alone for the second half. Schedule other sessions alone if necessary. When you feel comfortable with it, then go in together. That's when you will be able to work through issues together with the counsellor and improve your relationship.

 

Don't think that major changes can be effected with only one or two visits to the therapist.

 

You are going to have to confront your crap sooner or later...so do it now. Why would you want to put off becoming a better person?????

 

[ileana/ to tony]

tony, that was great advise about not going in like going into a combat zone. that helped me out alot. but when we got there the counselor already had her criteria for us set and followed that. we were originally going in for some communication skills help, and that is what she helped us with. i know my bf has alot of concerns about my other problems so to help ease his mind, i am going to see the counselor every other time by myself and then every other time together.

 

we learned alot today about communication and have an assignment to do active listening twice a week for now, until our next appt.

 

we have to re-state what the other has said, we have to set aside ten minutes for this activity twice a week.

 

i'm looking forward to this and feeling more hopeful about this relationship then i have in a long long while.

 

thank you for your advise, it was really wonderful and quite the eyeopener as i figured by what you said that i can learn from this counseling regardless if it works out with my current or not, cause i can take what ever skills and knowlegde i learn here to another relationship if needed be, but i hope not, i love my guy, and want things to work. thank you again.

Calm down, relax, take some deep breaths. Give up the idea that you have to be Miss Prissy Perfect. Now relax and stay calm. It's not going to kill you to confront some of your shortcomings. The purpose of counselling, in this case, is to see where the problems are in your relationship. If the root cause is in some issues of yours, they need to be addressed.

 

If your guy is so closed minded, so immature, so savage that he would come down on you if, God forbid, you should have to confront some issues of your own...then you need to dump his butt TODAY!!!

 

The reason we are on the planet is to grow, to better ourselves, to improve our lives. You should be looking forward to this counselling with great anticipation. If you are intent on being stuck where you are, without confronting the problems you may have, then you shouldn't even be going...and you shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

Now, you need to be more open minded and understanding yourself if you expect others to be so with you. Without being confrontational, you should discuss your boyfriend's arrogance and other issues with the counsellor. Be kind, mature but firm in your discussion. Get some resolution. If you go into this session in combat mode, nothing will get accomplished. By the same token, if your boyfriend becomes confrontational or accusative, tell him to back off. Let him know the two of you are in counselling for the purpose of improving the relationship. Tell him to point out the problems he has with you in a calm, loving way so that an atmosphere of healing will prevail. If both of you will be mature...grown-up...about this session, it could be the best thing that ever happened in your life. Now, I can certainly understand why you may not want to be confronted with certain problems in front of a counsellor with your boyfriend present. In that case, let your guy go in alone with the counsellor for half the session, then you go in alone for the second half. Schedule other sessions alone if necessary. When you feel comfortable with it, then go in together. That's when you will be able to work through issues together with the counsellor and improve your relationship.

 

Don't think that major changes can be effected with only one or two visits to the therapist.

 

You are going to have to confront your crap sooner or later...so do it now. Why would you want to put off becoming a better person?????

 

[Tony T]

I'm really glad you had a positive experience and that you have opened your mind to good things happening. The only way counselling can work is if each person makes a very firm committment to change. You have no control over your boyfriend.

 

You can't let down on the homework, either. You have to keep the communications skills going every single day...as long as the two of you are together.

 

If you feel there are other things the counsellor needs to address, please speak up during your sessions. And I think it's a real good idea for you to go alone and work on the things you need for yourself. That's great!

 

Keep a positive attitude and things will work out. Again, I'm glad you had a good experience today.