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Why Did He Become so Distant?


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Hi;

 

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Fifteen years ago when I was 20, I was casually seeing a man 10 years older. The relationship ended, (I don't remember why) and I moved on with my life including moving out of the state.

 

Four months ago, I decided to look him up because I am going through a divorce (only married a year or so). Anyway, we have been having great conversations on the phone, and made plans for me to go visit him. He had been very positive on the phone, and I got the sense that he was definitely interested in "trying again".

 

I went to visit, and the first day I was there was great. We were both giddy about seeing each other again, we laughed and talked. There was a little conflict, however, when he told mentioned his "two" children. I only knew about one, and became a little jealous at the idea that he had a second child with the same woman only seven years ago. I made comments like "I don't think you need anyone else in your life right now", and "there must be something between the two of you if you have another child eight years after the first". (We had been drinking).

 

Anyway, the next morning he was extremely moody. The rest of the trip (two more days) was rather tense. When he took me to the airport, there was no talk of seeing each other again or anything. Once I got home, I called and left a message apologizing for being so unsupportive, and that I wanted to be there for him in anyway that I could.

 

Do you think my comments upset him so? While we were talking about it he didn't seem pissed, but really changed by the next morning. We had built so much on the phone over the previous four months, I would hate that everything is now ruined. Please advise!

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YOU ASK: "Do you think my comments upset him so?"

 

Absolutely, that's a no-brainer. You don't see him for 15 years or so, get into a divorce, start feeling lonely, and think you can just bop into some ex-lover's life as if he had been in hibernation all this time.

 

He was just dumbfounded that you could even begin to be upset about whatever his life had brought him...having been out of it for so long. That wasn't a cool thing to do. You told him you didn't think he needed anyone else in his life right now...hell, you called him...he didn't call you. He didn't ask for your opinion on his life.

 

Also, it is a very dangerous thing for you to be calling up people and trying to get love affairs going again while you are in the vulnerable state that you are in. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. Very serious life mistakes are made while people are going through emotional turmoil.

 

Settle back, relax, get your divorce finalized, heal from it, and go find some new people to bring love into your life.

 

And get out of this thing about being upset about the way other people conduct their lives. People really resent that. Please don't be mad at me for telling you this...it's just something you have to know and maybe your parents never told you. Don't give advice to others unless they ask for it, be ready to face consequences if they don't like what you say even after they've asked, and NEVER comment on the way people conduct their lives.

 

I still love you, though.

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Hi Tony;

 

Thanks for your response. I'm glad that I got a man's opinion. You are right, it was not my place to judge what he had been doing for the past 15 years. I do care for him, though and would like to pursue this. What are my next steps?

 

Thanks!

YOU ASK: "Do you think my comments upset him so?" Absolutely, that's a no-brainer. You don't see him for 15 years or so, get into a divorce, start feeling lonely, and think you can just bop into some ex-lover's life as if he had been in hibernation all this time. He was just dumbfounded that you could even begin to be upset about whatever his life had brought him...having been out of it for so long. That wasn't a cool thing to do. You told him you didn't think he needed anyone else in his life right now...hell, you called him...he didn't call you. He didn't ask for your opinion on his life.

 

Also, it is a very dangerous thing for you to be calling up people and trying to get love affairs going again while you are in the vulnerable state that you are in. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. Very serious life mistakes are made while people are going through emotional turmoil. Settle back, relax, get your divorce finalized, heal from it, and go find some new people to bring love into your life. And get out of this thing about being upset about the way other people conduct their lives. People really resent that. Please don't be mad at me for telling you this...it's just something you have to know and maybe your parents never told you. Don't give advice to others unless they ask for it, be ready to face consequences if they don't like what you say even after they've asked, and NEVER comment on the way people conduct their lives. I still love you, though.

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