Messed up

[Gary]

I know a lot of you will take the moral high ground and condemn me from the outset, but please desist, as I am suffering a lot.

 

I am married 14 years, in a loveless relationship, with two kids I am mad about. My wife and I are not close and haven't been for most of our married years. She came into our marriage with a lot of relationship problems, stemming mainly from her relationships with her parents.

 

Through the earlier years of our marriage I gave a lot of myself in trying to generating a level of trust. She has always been a distant and cold person, always 'doing the right thing' and never capable of being warm hearted. To this day she still has difficulty being relaxed or warm, even with the kids. Many years ago I considered leaving, but the overiding thought was that I couldn't let the kids grow up in such a cold environment.

 

Our sex life has been non-existant at times, and on a lot of occasions it would be just to facilitate me. Five years ago I had enough and screwed around a bit as, unlike my wife, I have sexual urges and needs. She found out - it killed me that I could hurt her like that, as that was never the intention. Since then things have not been much better, but I have behaved.

 

Now, two years ago I met a colleague that I have really enjoyed being with and we have both become the best of friends. I have never had as close and loving relationship in my life, and I really love her to bits. We have spent a lot of time together, and I have resisted having sex with her so far. I now find myself madly in love with someone for the first time in my life. My refusal so far to get sexually involved is now placing a huge strain on us, to the point that I risk losing her. I think it's make or break time. Here I am faced with beign truly happy for the first time in many many years.

 

Separation will bring a hell of it's own, not least because we all work in the same place, but also because the kids will suffer.

 

I suppose this story is as old as the hills, but when you are in something so deep as I am, it is hard to figure out which way is up.

 

Any thoughts?

[Tony T]

Start divorce proceedings tomorrow. Children are never served well in a loveless marriage. There are a lot of things you can do to mitigate any psychological problems they may endure as a result of you and their mother divorcing. By the same token, there is a great deal of damage that can be done to them by having them observe a mother and father who are not happy with each other. Kids are lots smarter than you think.

 

As a matter of fact, by exposing your children to your present marriage and its dynamics, you heighten the possiblity that they too will end up just like you...in marriages that are loveless and without meaning or fulfillment.

 

You only have one life to live. You have waited way too long to get out of this situation...one you shouldn't have gotten into in the first place. Take advantage of the remainder of your precious years on the planet by getting out of an unpleasant situation and beginning to enjoy the kind of relationship you should have found for yourself from the start.

 

Your wife is pretty dense if she doesn't understand that you need a lot more than a speedbump for a wife. If she cared about you more than the neighbor's dog, she would have freed you when she found out about your previous infidelity so you could find happiness in life. She's selfish and you should not be concerned about her future. Let her deal with finding someone who can worship a frigid statue.

 

Just be kind and gentle with the kids. Handle the divorce with great care, involve a psychologist if necessary and make sure the kids understand they have nothing to do with this matter.

 

Good luck. Enjoy the rest of your life. You just never know when it's going to end.

[Miss Mojo]

i totally agree with tony. your children will feed off this loveless situation, and possibly use it as a precedent for their future relationships.

 

do you think perhaps your wife is, in a sense, letting this loveless marriage rub off onto her relationship with the children? perhaps if you were to seperate, she might feel happier, and this happiness might rub off on your children.

 

it's much better that 2 children live in a house with one parent who is happy, than with two parents who are unhappy. don't let your unhappiness set an example for their future.

 

yes, a divorce will probably be painful for them, but it will be a lot less painful than growing up knowing your parents still live together but are not in love. this could tear them apart....i know because i grew up in the same environment. my parents divorced when i was 12 and i was devestated. but now i am older, i realise it was the best thing they ever did. i actually blocked out a lot of my childhood because what they shared (or didn't share) as a married couple, as my parents, really cut me up....now they are both happy in other relationships, i am happy for them, and i am happy.

 

i think the fact that you have resorted to having an affair says a lot about what you should do here. trust me, children are radars that are easily underestimated and they are alert to the tiniest inkling of when something is wrong.

 

you would be doing ALL of you a favour (a great one), if you were to leave your wife. don't compromise your childrens happiness and your own.