Talking to Someone you Hate

[ophelia]

This is kind of a wierd question, but I hoping you can help me. My sister lives in Atlanta, and for the past eight months dates Matt. Everyone in the family thought that he was bad for her, but we supported her because she was family. Then in March his fiance called her, and well the whole truth about his lies came out. It turns out he was a real player. My sister was devistated and for a while our family was worried that she might even hurt herself in her state. But things slowly got better

 

Now, his fiance has gone to Europe for a few months, and my sister called me last week. Apparently, she is back together with him. He says things like if he could be in Europe he would be, but he can't get a visa. Anyways, she called this morning and said that he wants to speak to me. She begged me, to talk to him and give him a chance. This may sound wierd but we are a close family, and my mother is ready to have this guy hunted down. I am the only person who knows that they are back together, my sister is afraid to tell anyone else.I feel that if I don't at least listen to her she would have nobody to talk to. My question is: should I talk to him (if I don't she said that he will try talking to my mother) and if I do what should I say. If I say how I feel about him, my sister will be devistated, should I just hear him out and be polite?

[Tony T]

Just pass this message along to him from me...you can keep yourself out of it.

 

Tell Matt I said:

 

1. HE is a no good, two-timing, rotten, deceitful, fraudulent, stinking scumbag of the worst variety.

 

2. Your sister is out of her everloving mind for taking him back...even after he says he would RATHER be in Europe...with his real love.

 

3. When HE was being the dirtbag he is and your sister didn't know it, all this was definitely Matt's fault.

 

4. Now that your sister knows exactly where he's coming from and still wants him around, she should get psychological attention on an emergency basis. I mean this guy (MATT) is ENGAGED and he would be in Europe with his love if he could get a visa...he told your sister that.

 

I think you should tell everyone, the ENTIRE family, what's going on. And if you give me Matt's address, I'll remove him to another state so he can't harm your sister any longer if you'll promise to get help for your sister. She is truly out of it.

 

Next question!

[Miss Mojo]

hi ophelia,

 

wow...your sister sure is a glutton for punishment. it's such a shame that she can't find the strength inside of her to walk away from this horrible "man". she sure sounds naive and vulnerable.

 

while his honesty about his fiance is to be commended, that doesn't change the fact that he is a two-timing sleazebag....i wonder if his fiance has any idea about matt and your sister. i think it would do her a world of good to know...she's going to marry a two-timer, after all.

 

anyway...back to the point. i can understand your family supporting your sister because she is family. i am currently (and have been for 2 years), going through the same thing with my sister (on-off, unfaithful, incompatible, frequent arguments). the really tough part in a situation like this is that you can talk to them until you are blue in the face, but they refuse to take their blinkers off when it comes to their other half. you stress to them that you are being totally honest because you can see the pain they are setting themselves up for, and you stress to them that you aren't telling them these things because you think it's fun....it's far from fun to watch someone you love set themselves up for hurt. it's also damn frustrating.

 

for your sister's sake, it wouldn't hurt to be polite to him. but by no means, don't let that stop YOU from being honest to him. i know how tempting it would be in a situation like this to get sarcastic, but being DIPLOMATIC without getting aggressive or sarcastic will (hopefully) be much more effective.

 

listen to what he has to say (it should be rather interesting and probably a load of rubbish) then tell him calmly, but firmly that if he has the slightest shred of 'man' in him, he will stop leading your sister on, and he will walk away. he has his future mapped out with someone else (poor girl), and he can't have his cake and eat it too. he needs to stop being so selfish.

 

....and please tell your sister to take a long hard look at the situation for what it is. i think she has delusions of a future with this guy, and she is allowing him to upset her.

 

i think your truthful words will not devestate your sister half as much as this man will eventually.....and wouldn't it be sad if she turned around in the future and said, "why didn't you say something at the time?".

 

your intentions are good....his are not. i think you would be doing a HUGE favour by admitting your feelings here. if that doesn't work, then she will have to continue to make her own mistakes all by herself....oneday she will pass her lesson in love. it wouldn't hurt if you could help her along a little bit sooner.