boyfriend's mother

[Yumi]

Right after a wonderful week together, this s**t has to happen... *sigh*

 

As far as I could tell when I was staying at her house, my boyfriend's mother liked me. I'm trying really hard to be friends with her because she seems nice, and he tells me that she likes me too. I wrote her a letter when I got back home, thanking her for a good time and telling her that I had started school and things... It was formally and respectfully written... I'm trying to let her know that I tihnk of her as a friend but still demonstrate filial piety which is a part of Japanese culture... I don't know maybe this is all a cultural thing....

 

Anyway, NOW my boyfriend wants to come visit me in a few months, and his mom apparently has some kind of problem with that. He says it's because he failed some classes a few years ago and is going to be in his fifth year of college next year, she thinks that coming here for four days would somehow affect his chances to get a good job. That doesn't make sense to me because he won't even graduate for another year, and the classes that he failed were over a year ago, before we even met. HE says that I'm an encouragement to study because he wants to be able to "spoil me" in the future. So I don't know why his mom objects to another trip...

 

Is there ANYTHING I can do to show her that I only have his best interests in mind??? He's pretty stubborn, so I tihnk he's going to come here no matter what she says, and no matter what I say... although I obviously want to see him again too, and since I already told MY parents that they could meet him, it would look irresponsible to them if he didn't come. But even when I was staying in their house, he would argue with her really fast in Japanese, tell her that we didn't want to come home for dinner or something, and I would only catch part of it and ask him to translate for me and he'd say "Oh it doesn't matter, let's go" I personally didn't mind when he didn't want to tell me where he was taking me or something, it was always a fun and romantic surprise! But I know that sometimes his mom didn't know where we were, or we would be late meeting her somewhere, and I guess she thinks that it was my fault or that I at least agreed with what he did, even though I usually didn't even know that we were supposed to meet her....

 

I don't mind it when he acts like that... I know it's hard to be translating for two talkative women and I know most of the "It doesnt matter" stuff was an effort to end a conversation that was really hard for him to participate in. But even though I don't mind, I think his mom does and I'm not sure that she knows how much I like her and how much I also want my boyfriend to get good grades and a good job! The only thing I can think of to do is to write her another letter... I really don't think we'd be able to carry out a phone conversation together, even to write a letter I have to use the dictionary every other sentence. Would that help? Would anything help??? I really love this guy, and we really want our families to approve of our relationship and eventually to meet each other and like each other... I wouldn't care if he couldn't come visit me immediately... but I can't wait until after he graduates! I AM supporting him in school, and I get mad at him when he doesn't study too! But how can I show him mom that I'm worrying about the same tihngs that she is????

[Tony T]

There is no way of knowing why his mother is objecting to this visit.

 

I think writing to her would be a very good idea. Maybe you could get help with it so it is done as well as possible. Then, just let it go.

 

I agree with you. It is not rational or logical for her to think a short visit will hurt his chances for completing his studies. That sounds like a very sorry excuse.

 

You need to have a good talk with your boyfriend and let him know you concerns, if you haven't already. Then the two of you need to work on solutions together. You can not let this drag on.

 

It may be that his mother does have some sort of problem with the relationship. That is not your problem. Yes, it's nice when people like you but you don't control that. It is very much out of your control.

 

Live the best you can, treat people the nicest you can...and if they don't like you or if they do things to make your life more difficult, just ignore them. That's all you can really do.

 

While it would be very nice, it is not essential that your boyfriend's mother likes you for you to have a good relationship with him...unless he is very close to his mother and she has a lot of influence on him.

[MegaB]

I think writing her a letter is a good idea. Also, it would be respectful to ask for her advice on how you can "guide" your b/f since your concern is the same as hers. She will feel that you are on the same wave length as her and accept you more. I think she sees you as a selfish non-Asian (or are you Asian?) who doesn't understand her culture. Even if you were Asian, you would be what they see as Westernized Asian, which is no different from non-Asians...so anyway, the point is, be as respectful as possible, and try to make her see that you agree with her. It seems like you don't really understand where she's coming from, but I can totally see why she is acting the way she is. You were a guest and she was nice to you. Once you become a part of a possible family, then her attitude is different. She will be more critical and she would expect more from you. Especially she would expect you to be very aware of cultural differences. No matter how much non-Asians think they know about the culture, there is so much they will NEVER get in their lifetime. Anyway, if you want advice on how to write the letter, I can help you with it. Good luck!