i'm so sick of myself i could scream

[!]

o.k. this is how it's been: i've always been an inquisitive person, i always ask people what are they doing, who with, where are you, where are you going, etc.

 

i do this with my kids, boyfriends, friends,family, etc. i've always been this way. i don't do it in an intrusive way just as a conversational way.

 

well my bf don't seem to understand this. lately he has been exploding at me over stupid things that i ask or say. he is thinking that my only reason is just to see "who" he is going to be with "female" or not.

 

granted in the past that was the case at times and i do have a history of being very jealous and controlling and very possessive. something i'm working on and slowly getting better.

 

after all how do you change a life time of those things in one day which is what he wants? so, over the weekend we got in this big battle cause i asked one too many questions, i.e. where are you? why are you there? BANG!

 

he blew up at me cause he thought i was trying to find out if he was with another woman or something like that, which i wasn't. i had know reason to think that on a sunday morning he would be.

 

we do live together and have been together for over two years now. so today i decided not to ask one single question or even call him at work so he would not think i was checking up on him.

 

well my feelings and emotions have to go somewhere, so tonight i got his cell phone when he wasnt home and scrolled through his call log. found nothing, but almost wished i had so i had a reason to leave him, sick huH?

 

i don't want to leave him but i think he can do so much better then me with all my "problems". i even went to the gym and worked out to try to occupy myself today.

 

so what can i do? i'm going crazy from myself, i need a vent or something, it is so hard to hold things in, but i guess this is normal, not to enquire about people and their business, so i'm trying to be a good girl, but it's so hard, any suggestions to help me through this until i get use to not doing it? help?

[Tony T]

I think getting sick of yourself is a pretty good step forward in getting better. I'm so used to other people beating me to the punch by getting sick of me first I never get to that point.

 

You have to ask yourself how your life will improve if you know where your boyfriend is at all times, who he is with, what is is doing, etc. You already have evidence that asking these questions is not productive and only causes problems.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is enter into an agreement with your boyfriend that every time you ask a question like this, you will be obligated to put $5 in a jar. He has to agree to answer without getting angry. But YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY!!! The total each month will be donated to the charity of his choice and he gets to take the tax deduction.

 

When facing the options of being calm, trusting your boyfriend, and allowing him the freedom he deserves or going broke and filing bankruptcy, I think you will get over your problem real fast...and be the better and richer for it.

[apple of sodom]

Okay, I can understand how over time a person would get sick of supposed possessiveness or over-inquisitiveness,

 

but that is no excuse to blow up over the issue.

 

Most of the time when a person blows up over such questions,

 

it usually indicates two things.

 

The first being an anger disorder.

 

The second being a guilty conscience.

 

It's hard to resist checking up on the "significant other,"

 

and a lot of people I know who are in trusting relationships still feel the need to do this as some sort of

 

ego reassurance. Looking at his cell phone is perfectly justifiable in my opinion. Nothing unhealthy about that.

 

Now, if you start following him around and taking it to the extreme-- that can be a problem. Anyway, I'm sure he's not entirely innocent of checking up on you also.

 

The point is that it's one thing to be frustrated over

 

your possessiveness and overly inquisitive personality, and it's another thing to escalate that frustration in to any kind of confrontation. You obviously realize that your habit is affecting your relationship and you've made an effort to change the behavior. That's the first step.

 

The second step is to relax and realize that if he is cheating on you or doing anything else you should know about it will be blatantly obvious. Things have a way of sneaking up on people. Give yourself a break and maybe things will loosen up. As an experiment maybe you should back off and stop asking questions for a week or so. Don't be cold, just don't ask as many questions. See what happens. See how he acts. You might be surprised- and not in the way you expected.

 

 

 

o.k. this is how it's been: i've always been an inquisitive person, i always ask people what are they doing, who with, where are you, where are you going, etc. i do this with my kids, boyfriends, friends,family, etc. i've always been this way. i don't do it in an intrusive way just as a conversational way.

 

well my bf don't seem to understand this. lately he has been exploding at me over stupid things that i ask or say. he is thinking that my only reason is just to see "who" he is going to be with "female" or not.

 

granted in the past that was the case at times and i do have a history of being very jealous and controlling and very possessive. something i'm working on and slowly getting better. after all how do you change a life time of those things in one day which is what he wants? so, over the weekend we got in this big battle cause i asked one too many questions, i.e. where are you? why are you there? BANG! he blew up at me cause he thought i was trying to find out if he was with another woman or something like that, which i wasn't. i had know reason to think that on a sunday morning he would be. we do live together and have been together for over two years now. so today i decided not to ask one single question or even call him at work so he would not think i was checking up on him. well my feelings and emotions have to go somewhere, so tonight i got his cell phone when he wasnt home and scrolled through his call log. found nothing, but almost wished i had so i had a reason to leave him, sick huH? i don't want to leave him but i think he can do so much better then me with all my "problems". i even went to the gym and worked out to try to occupy myself today. so what can i do? i'm going crazy from myself, i need a vent or something, it is so hard to hold things in, but i guess this is normal, not to enquire about people and their business, so i'm trying to be a good girl, but it's so hard, any suggestions to help me through this until i get use to not doing it? help?