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I am want to do something terrible....


Rachel

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I am so pushed to the limits with the lies of my boyfriend/lover/(who knows now?)that I want to make him feel the same pain I feel by calling up his common law wife and telling her that he has been involved with me and never told me that she existed. I need help in controlling my anger because I know I shouldn't do this, but I feel so humiliated by all his lies and today I just found out a confirmed suspition that he had someone else!

 

We have(had?) a long distance relationship and I know it would be so easy to just call up the house (I found out where he really lived) or send a letter giving evidence that we were involved together. I know you will all tell me this is pointless and that it will only make me feel worse.

 

I realize this, but the worst humiliation I feel is not being acknowledged with MINIMUM respect from him! Just the minimum! I feel the only way to make him understand my hurt is to do someting that would hurt him.

 

Please, somebody help me, advise me to be sane because I am afraid my emotions will take over and I will do something out of hurt.

 

I haven't even spoken to him yet about it but it doesn't matter if I do because he will continue to deny the truth.

 

It humiliates me to think he thinks I'm so stupid and in a way I want to show him I'm not as dumb as he thought and that he should not play with fire.

 

Please help me be reasonable. I am too emotionally high strung right now to think straight...

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The best revenge you can get is to sever all contact with this man, never talk to him again, never answer his mail or calls, change your phone number, and disappear from his life.

 

He will forever wonder exactly what happened.

 

As you say, if you confront him, he will only deny things. If you cut every contact with him...that will have the greatest effect on him.

 

Get a grip on yourself, talk this out with friends or other appropriate counsellors or clergy, and move on. There is no useful purpose served in remaining angry in this situation. Be thankful you now know the truth and you can move on.

 

You have learned some great lessons from this. I hope you remember them.

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Do you like what has been happening to you so far? Do you like how he's treating you? Because it won't stop until you get rid of him from your life.The choice has always been, and always be in your hands. You're not a victim,you're a volunteer.

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I'm writing to you as someone who has just been on the other side of this story. I just learned a few weeks ago my wife was having a hot affair on the side.

 

The best thing to your emotional well being will be to do exactly what you suggested. Send a letter with hard proof to his wife, but explain to her you had no intention to harm her, that you are a victim of this situation just as she is and that if you knew he was married you never would have never enter into this situation. And don't let him in anyway know it's coming to him. You have to be extrememly strong and play the game just a few days more until it blows in his face.

 

This is not about revenge, it's about helping his wife (if you were in her place, wouldn't you have wanted to know the truth?), this is about how you are going to look at yourself in the future, and it's about making guys like this learn a lesson they can't use other people.

 

If you don't do this, you will miss a non returning opportunity, you probably won't be able to keep this much longer to yourself and will confront him. That will be the greatest present to him. He will deny the story or just make some excuses, and then go on to his wife to tell her some lies about you. You will later feel bad about yourself, weather or not you will end it with him.

I am so pushed to the limits with the lies of my boyfriend/lover/(who knows now?)that I want to make him feel the same pain I feel by calling up his common law wife and telling her that he has been involved with me and never told me that she existed. I need help in controlling my anger because I know I shouldn't do this, but I feel so humiliated by all his lies and today I just found out a confirmed suspition that he had someone else! We have(had?) a long distance relationship and I know it would be so easy to just call up the house (I found out where he really lived) or send a letter giving evidence that we were involved together. I know you will all tell me this is pointless and that it will only make me feel worse. I realize this, but the worst humiliation I feel is not being acknowledged with MINIMUM respect from him! Just the minimum! I feel the only way to make him understand my hurt is to do someting that would hurt him. Please, somebody help me, advise me to be sane because I am afraid my emotions will take over and I will do something out of hurt. I haven't even spoken to him yet about it but it doesn't matter if I do because he will continue to deny the truth. It humiliates me to think he thinks I'm so stupid and in a way I want to show him I'm not as dumb as he thought and that he should not play with fire. Please help me be reasonable. I am too emotionally high strung right now to think straight...
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The best thing to your emotional well being will be to do exactly what you suggested. Send a letter with hard proof to his wife, but explain to her you had no intention to harm her, that you are a victim of this situation just as she is and that if you knew he was married you never would have never enter into this situation.

Wow Charlie! I never would have dreamed someon would

 

really understand me here! As much as I can appreciate \

 

the advice given by Tony and the other person, your advice

 

really speaks to me the most, and I think you are right

 

about being strong and playing the game back. How come so

 

many people give the opposite advice?

This is not about revenge, it's about helping his wife (if you were in her place, wouldn't you have wanted to know the truth?), this is about how you are going to look at yourself in the future, and it's about making guys like this learn a lesson they can't use other people.

 

If I was his wife I'd want to know too, and you are right

 

about making guys like this learn a lesson because he

 

thought that since I was a foreigner at the time I was in

 

his country that he could get away with lying to me. I am

 

sure that if I had been a native speaker from his country there is no way he would ever attempted to make up such a big lie! This is what infuriates me the most.

 

Since I've been back home I have been studying his language at university and am now able to read, write and speak his language way better than I could three months ago.

 

Tell me Charlie, if I send a letter to the wife what if he sees the letter first and gets ahold of it before she does??

 

Should I send it by recommened mail? or better still, wait until I know he has to go away for a few weeks and send it when he is not in the country?

 

What did you do in your situation with your wife? How did you deal with things?

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YOU ASK: How come so many people give the opposite advice?

 

Because, when you get down with the dogs, you get up with a bad case of fleas.

 

You are fooling with an atomic keg that sometimes gets people killed. To take the action you seem to favor makes you just as much of a scumbag as he is. I was hoping you would take the high road. I thought you had more class than him.

 

Do what makes you feel best, babe, but be ready to pay the consequences.

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Tony is right,Rachel.You are opening up a can of worms by telling the wife,and once you do it you have to live with the consequences. Besides all that,if you were so concerned about how his wife feels,why did you have an affair with her husband in the first place?

 

If you feel the wife should know,you should be ready to do a lot of apologizing because you are just as guilty as her husband is.So be prepared to accept the same amount of blame as the husband.The ONLY reason you want to tell her is to get back at the husband.If the husband treated you better,and cared for you more, would you be just as anxious to "protect" his wife?

 

I hate to be hard on anybody ,Rachel, but you need to face the truth if you ever want your life to get better.The naked truth is you tried to steal something that belonged to someone else.You tried to steal love of a husband for his wife. Telling the wife about it after the fact won't change what you did,or why you did it.

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Ignore my post above,Rachel. I responded a few hours after I posted my first reply ,without double checking, and got your post confused with another I read about earlier.I thought that you had known about the common law wife before you met the guy,and I was wrong.My post above is just way off mark and pretty insulting too.I owe you an apology.

 

Again,I'm really sorry for misunderstanding your problem.

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No, Rogue, you aren't far off. Maybe a few details wrong, but this guy's wife is an innocent pawn in this ugly deal and doesn't need to be dragged into in. Only a classless slut would do that.

 

It's bad enough that this lady has been victimized herself by this butthole but for her now to stoop to below his level and bring unkowing people into it, she is really showing her butt. I did feel sorry for her but after seeing how she wants to muddy up an innocent woman's life, I no longer feel that way.

 

There are other ways of getting vengeance against this man. When I personally have disputes with people, I do not draw in their friends and relatives to make them suffer as well.

 

No one has deputized this woman as the enforcer of her lover's marriage.

 

And one thing else, if a woman does not have the intuition to at least feel something weird when seeing someone...aldulters always leave clues...she needs to work on herself a bit. Going to the wife with this will only retard that growth and further make her a fool.

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Rachel (Where are you Charlie?!)

All you guys just don't understand anything about the nature of this situation and the cultural differences involved, especially Israeli culture. Israeli people are very strong, direct and don't have time for little niceties. All I want to do is to show him (yes, Show Him) that I am just as tough as he is, and not a little rich (he thinks I'm rich, polite, stupid North American who happened to be sojourning in the Holy Land.

 

I don't mean to sound biased here, but you guys have to understand that the Jewish mind and way of dealing with things is a little different than the typical WASP one. I realize I am making huge generalizations about this, and don't even have any real concrete examples to back up my statements. Our way is just different. Alan Dershowitz in his book, "The Vanishing American Jew" says Jews are just like everyone else, but some of their individual charaterisics are exaggerated to the fullest.

 

It is hard for me to just forget about a situation and let it go, and I am NOT stooping below to another level by doing this. It is not about revenge, as Charlie so well put it. It is just about making another fellow woman aware of what is going on around her, and also giving him back a taste of his own medicine. If you want to call it revenge. Call it that. After all, our "God" was a vengeful God...

There are other ways of getting vengeance against this man. When I personally have disputes with people, I do not draw in their friends and relatives to make them suffer as well.

 

Well, Tony, that is one admirable way of doing things which I respect. My way is different in that it encourages people to draw others in for support and help when dealing with a difficult situation, and it is not about making them suffer. It is about making everyone more aware and smarter.

And one thing else, if a woman does not have the intuition to at least feel something weird when seeing someone...aldulters always leave clues...she needs to work on herself a bit.

 

Didn't you read my past posts? I mentioned that I had very strong intuition that something weird was going on. Perhaps I forget to mention that there was also a huge language barrier to cope with at the same time, but despite that I still had good intuition.

 

Going to the wife with this will only retard that growth and further make her a fool.

 

I have absolutely nothing to loose in this, and he will be even more shocked to find out that I can do this from such a distance.

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Rachel!

 

I sent you email. Maybe it didn't reach yet. I'll check the address again.

 

I resent their rudeness towards your feelings. Calling someone a schumbag because he/she thinks differently than you is no higher moral grounds and no "high road". Be strong, I'm 100% percent with you. I'm talking from experience, not from the academy.

 

I wrote something to Tony about his judgement and was about to post it when I saw your letter, so I'll kill two flees in one strik.

 

Tony! you really don't have in betweens. Last week I read your response to a lady who her boyfriend didn't help her clean the house, or pay a fair share of the rent in her eyes. You were ready to pay yourself a visit to this guy and let him know what you think about him. Isn't that messing in someone other's life? Or maybe you were just joking.

 

I admire you for how you can so clearly convey your thoughts, but somtimes I feel you are like a lawyer that is most interested in winning the case for his side than remembering he's dealing with human beings.

 

Of course, when someone throws mud at you, you get dirty, but whoose hands are dirty?

 

Cuttting it all and moving on with your life is good when you find out that the partner you are dating is a jerk, but this guy has hurt deeply someone other, and sometime emotional pain can be worse than physical pain.

 

When a building is on fire most people would just care about getting themselves and their loved ones out of the fire. Very few would go back in and try to rescue someone else who is trapped in the fire.

 

When you take the 'high road' someone might be on the side of the road with a flat tire, or a mechanical problem, many cars can pass by before someone will stop to help. And yes, the one who does stop to help usually gets him/herself dirty with grease, and looses time wherever s/he was going. Still, I prefer this type to the ordinary type.

 

Yes, most people may decide to pick up the shambles and go on in their life with the scar, maybe being suspicious to every date they meet thereafter. Other may decide to do something about that, for themselves, for the wife, the true victim (is she a 'volunteer' too?) and for future women who may fall for this guy's lies. You can't run away always. Someday you have to turn around and stand for what you believe in, for what's it's worth.

 

It's up to Rachel to figure how to act. The two possibilites are for her to choose. I don't claim to KNOW for fact like you what is more moral, although I know what I would choose, but I resent the way you try to make her feel she have to be ashamed for having a spirit to stand for something she believes in.

 

And my final argument, if your wife/girlfriend/love was cheating on you wouldn't you would like to know early than late? I bet 99 out 100 people would like to know if their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/lover is cheating on them. Not that they want it to happen! But if it does happen better they learn about this early. Rachel can go on notify the wife without exposing her identity. Yes, the wife might be hurt and react initially very emotionally towards Rachel. But in the LONG RUN she will be happy that she got to know this.

 

All you guys just don't understand anything about the nature of this situation and the cultural differences involved, especially Israeli culture. Israeli people are very strong, direct and don't have time for little niceties. All I want to do is to show him (yes, Show Him) that I am just as tough as he is, and not a little rich (he thinks I'm rich, polite, stupid North American who happened to be sojourning in the Holy Land. I don't mean to sound biased here, but you guys have to understand that the Jewish mind and way of dealing with things is a little different than the typical WASP one. I realize I am making huge generalizations about this, and don't even have any real concrete examples to back up my statements. Our way is just different. Alan Dershowitz in his book, "The Vanishing American Jew" says Jews are just like everyone else, but some of their individual charaterisics are exaggerated to the fullest. It is hard for me to just forget about a situation and let it go, and I am NOT stooping below to another level by doing this. It is not about revenge, as Charlie so well put it. It is just about making another fellow woman aware of what is going on around her, and also giving him back a taste of his own medicine. If you want to call it revenge. Call it that. After all, our "God" was a vengeful God... Well, Tony, that is one admirable way of doing things which I respect. My way is different in that it encourages people to draw others in for support and help when dealing with a difficult situation, and it is not about making them suffer. It is about making everyone more aware and smarter.

 

Didn't you read my past posts? I mentioned that I had very strong intuition that something weird was going on. Perhaps I forget to mention that there was also a huge language barrier to cope with at the same time, but despite that I still had good intuition. Going to the wife with this will only retard that growth and further make her a fool. I have absolutely nothing to loose in this, and he will be even more shocked to find out that I can do this from such a distance.

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You are being unfair,Rachel.If our cultures are supposedly so diffirent,then why bother asking us for advice? It seems to me you've already made up your mind what to do,so why ask us about it?

 

The fact is cheating on your spouse is wrong in both cultures. You may think revenge is right,but the truth is you're only doing this because you've been hurt not because it's the right thing to do. It was the husband's treatment of you that makes you want to tell the wife,not the sense of right or wrong. Like I said earlier,if the husband treated you better,would you still want to tell the wife ?

 

You have one motive,that is to hurt the husband. Sure knowing the truth about your spouse is important, but when you tell the truth for the sole purpose of hurting someone it is wrong. Deep down inside,I think you're hoping it will hurt their marriage and maybe give you a chance to win back the husband.You've already said in your one of your post that you wish to keep him if you could.

 

I see why you really want to tell the wife.So does Tony.It's clear to us that you have no concern for the wife,only making the husband pay. You are just using the truth as an excuse.

 

That sort of behaviour is wrong because if everybody tried to take revenge on every bad thing people did, that is all we would be doing with our time.One person hurts another,who in turn hurts another, who in turn hurts someone else.You would hurt the husband,who will in turn ,look to hurt you back.Where does it all end?

 

Look Rachel,you were fooled into this by the husband.Why do you continue to want him back? Why do you insist on letting this man hurt you even more by trying to keep him in your life?

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Well, Rachel, I pray that you are not an example of a member of the Jewish race. I really don't think they would claim you. I am NOT Jewish but I can tell you more about the Jewish people than you ever dreamed. You are not like any of them.

 

Jewish people are kind, rational, considerate and they take total and complete responsiblity for what happens to them. They are proud and they will fight against offensive forces. But in personal matters, they take control. They don't blame others for what happens to them and they don't bring others into their personal matters.

 

I have many dozens of close Jewish friends and they are among the greatest people I know. Not one of them holds your attitude.

 

I am truly sorry for what happened to you but people are deceived every minute of every hour all over the world. Get over it, get a life...but, whatever you do, don't pin your behavior on the Jewish race. They would have nothing of it.

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YOU WRITE: "Tony! you really don't have in betweens. Last week I read your response to a lady who her boyfriend didn't help her clean the house, or pay a fair share of the rent in her eyes. You were ready to pay yourself a visit to this guy and let him know what you think about him. Isn't that messing in someone other's life? Or maybe you were just joking."

 

You can't compare apples and oranges. In the response to which you referred above, of course I was joking about visiting this guy. I don't have time for that. I was making a point. Also, in this matter, everyone involved knew what was going on.

 

I am very happy you have come to this lady's aid and have given her support. That's what this forum is for. People tend to have selective attention, that is, they tend to see and hear that which most likely validates their own feelings. You have done that for her.

 

I promise you, no matter what she does, I will not be affected in the slightest. However, I truly hate to see her make a total fool of herself but I really do respect your point of view and can understand the mindset that would support that.

 

(I write a lot of things on this forum to make points because, unfortunately, I can't be there in person to move my hands and resonate my voice emphatically).

 

Hang in there for this lady. I know she appreciates you.

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Rachel,

 

I'm coming into the scenario rather late.

 

I understand the hurt and anger you feel and yes, revenge of this type would feel good for a moment. And no, I don't understand the culture of Israel but I do know some of their base values taken from the god they worship:

 

They value forgiveness over revenge,

 

Selflessness over selfishness,

 

Abstinence from sex outside of marriage,

 

Faithfulness over adultery.

 

Rachel, you cannot have this strength-seeking revenge on the man without causing hurt to his wife. Their union was blessed by God and the church... don't take the maintenance or destruction of it upon yourself. Please.

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It's not a good idea to make a blanket statement to "You People." I think it is because you don't like the advice that was sincerely posted as considered solutions to your problem.

 

You wanted someone to tell you that revenge is good and telling his common law wife would really hurt him and you would be able to get back at him in that way and feel better that you caused pain. Because people didn't give you that advice, you made the statement that they don't understand "anything about other cultures." What other cultures are you talking about besides the culture where being rude is acceptable?

Well, Rachel, I pray that you are not an example of a member of the Jewish race. I really don't think they would claim you. I am NOT Jewish but I can tell you more about the Jewish people than you ever dreamed. You are not like any of them. Jewish people are kind, rational, considerate and they take total and complete responsiblity for what happens to them. They are proud and they will fight against offensive forces. But in personal matters, they take control. They don't blame others for what happens to them and they don't bring others into their personal matters. I have many dozens of close Jewish friends and they are among the greatest people I know. Not one of them holds your attitude. I am truly sorry for what happened to you but people are deceived every minute of every hour all over the world. Get over it, get a life...but, whatever you do, don't pin your behavior on the Jewish race. They would have nothing of it.
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Tony,

 

I was mostly referring to the Jewish aspect of Chutzpah (guts) in stating the way I react to things. I won't be passive or immobile in a situation that needs to be dealt with. And you don't know me in other aspects of life. You can't be the moral judge of assuming I am not a king person.

 

You completely overlooked the language barrier struggle I went through with this man, not even admiring me (not that I ask for admiration) or appreciating the efforts I took to learn this man's mother tongue, which the average person probably wouldn't bother doing.

 

I think I know this situation better than you, and have enough instincts to know who to act. Your reactions on this forum have been good for me in a way because my resolve has strengthened because of them.

 

Thank you all!

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Rachel, you cannot have this strength-seeking revenge on the man without causing hurt to his wife. Their union was blessed by God and the church...

They aren't legally or religiously married. They are

 

common-law.

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Rachel,

 

I don't think you clearly understood what Rogue, Tony, or Taressa were saying to you.

 

Let's say you were having a relationship with this guy, and he was treating you like a queen. He was the most wonderful guy, he was everything you wanted..everything you dreamed of. Then you learned that he was married; would you call up his wife and tell him that he was involved with you? Using your earlier words, I bet 99 out of 100 women wouldn't. They'd be happy with him. So it's not that you'd be doing the "right" thing; you calling this other lady totally depends on how he treated you. He was a jerk, and you realize that he has his own life, you've lost him and you don't know what to do.

 

You say it all in your email:

I want to make him feel the same pain I feel by calling up his common law wife and telling her that he

You're doing this to get back at him and to hurt him, but you're going through his wife to get back at him. By hurting his wife, you're hurting him.

she existed. I need help in controlling my anger because I know I shouldn't do this,

You say yourself that you need to control your anger, that you shouldn't be doing this.

but I feel so humiliated by all his lies and today I just found out a confirmed suspition that he had someone else!

You feel humiliated; he lied to you, he played with your heart and mind. Deep down inside you really don't care about his wife, you care that you've been hurt.

We have(had?) a long distance relationship and I know it would be so easy to just call up the house (I found out where he really lived)

More questions. Don't you call his house before?

 

You just found out where he lived???

 

Honey, these are things you need to know of BEFORE you

 

get involved in ANY relationship with a guy: his real name, his address, his phone #, his age, even his occupation, and WHETHER HE's MARRIED.

I realize this, but the worst humiliation I feel is not being acknowledged with MINIMUM respect from him! Just the minimum! I feel the only way to make him understand my hurt is to do someting that would hurt him.

Your words: You're trying to make him understand your hurt. What you're NOT doing is trying to help his wife out because you feel bad for her.

Please, somebody help me, advise me to be sane because I am afraid my emotions will take over and I will do something out of hurt.

I, like Tony, Rogue, and Taressa said, advise you to stop talking to him; forget about him and move on.

Please help me be reasonable. I am too emotionally high strung right now to think straight...

You're very upset and hurt, be careful and don't do anything that you will regret later. You need to cool off and think straight. You're angry and you want to lash out at him; but please wait and think about it.

 

Think about both ways: what's the worst that could happen?

 

If you stop talking to him, forget about him, move on, the worst of the situation is that you'll suffer from a broken heart; you may not be able to trust men so easily, etc etc.

 

Alternatively, if you confront his wife, his marriage might be destroyed and he may try to get revenge on you. You never know, there are lots of crazy people, I've heard very crazy stories. The worst thing that could happen is that he could try to hurt you even more by getting revenge at you. In addition, you will still be hurt and upset, nothing will change that.

 

Please think about it, Rachel.

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Taressa:

 

Rachel will only listen to people who will encourage her to stoop to the lowest levels of human vermin. It is useless to talk to her unless you encourage her to regress as a human, subscribe to the retaliatory tendancies of primitive mammals, and prod her to do her thing.

 

She will not be content until she is thoroughly convinced she has caused pain and heartbreak for others in this scenario.

 

Hopefully and/or thankfully, she is not armed, does not know how to make bombs, and does not desire to overthrow the government of the United States or any other country.

 

If nothing else positive has come out of this, at least I have learned never in all my days to cross a woman named Rachel anywhere in the world.

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So kind of you to give it a whirl. But Rachel is extremely closed minded and not nearly as evolved spiritually and emotionally as you.

 

She craves to get back at people. Maybe in her next life she will learn to take responsiblity for what happens to her and not pass it on to others, especially those who had no part in it.

 

No matter what people have said here, she has only listened to those who have subscribed to her need for revenge against this man who mislead her.

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So kind of you to give it a whirl. But Rachel is extremely closed minded and not nearly as evolved spiritually and emotionally as you.

 

Who do you think you are to be the judge of who is more

 

spiritually evolved? You are very arrogant in your views

 

here Tony, and remember that you will be judged back for

 

taking such a judgemental view of me.

She craves to get back at people. Maybe in her next life she will learn to take responsiblity for what happens to her and not pass it on to others, especially those who had no part in it.

 

Everything is intertwined and connected, my dear. Now

 

you are proclaiming yourself to know all about karma and

 

past lives?! You are seeing this from a purely spiritual

 

point of view (the place where positive energy lives),

 

and you don't see the value of negativity or the shadow

 

side of things. People like you are deceptively more

 

dangerous than you make me out to be. You have no program

 

built in you to handle negativity. I am a shadow woman.

 

I am dark, I admit that, but people like me are also

 

necessary to keep a proportionate balance. Some people

 

have a problem handling my energy because I am so unlike

 

anything they are familiar with, but through my life and

 

experiences I have met others who are like me and can

 

relate to me.

No matter what people have said here, she has only listened to those who have subscribed to her need for revenge against this man who mislead her.

 

Yes that is true because most of you don't have the kind

 

of courage I have. You are like robots

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Who do you think you are to be the judge.......

Rachel...my dear,

 

who do YOU think you are to be reading a post which is addressed to ME, and even states "personal and confidental". Yet you choose to add your two cents in.

 

If you don't like to hear what you've asked for (advice), then I personally don't want to read what you have to say.

 

End of discussion.

 

Period.

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Rachel...my dear, who do YOU think you are to be reading a post which is addressed to ME, and even states "personal and confidental". Yet you choose to add your two cents in. If you don't like to hear what you've asked for (advice), then I personally don't want to read what you have to say. End of discussion. Period.

If Rachel has no respect for her life or her time, how could she possibly respect other people's call for privacy and confidentiality?

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