We keep getting calls from the school because exw isnt being a mom

[almostthere]

At this point my bf and I consider me to be his children's stepmom. We cannot get married because of our financial situation. I will lose all of my financial aid for college. I dont mind taking out a loan for it but my schooling will cost over 200k...probably. Honestly, i think we will marry even though we will go into debt. Some things are more important then money.

 

My bf got a call yesterday from his kids school saying that none of his children (1,2,3 grade) have turned in their homework, are falling asleep in class, and dressed inappropriately for gym class on the p.e. days. He explained to the school that although he appreciates the call and wants to keep being informed of what is going on with his kids that him and her are divorced and living apart. So the school needs to call them both.

 

He addressed the subject with her and she made a hundred excuses as to why she doesnt have time to help the kids with their homework. I am what i consider to be a good mom. I sit down every night with my children and do their homework with them. I try to explain it as best i can and I believe i set a good example by being in college myself.

 

it is extremely difficult for us (my bf and me) to know that she doesnt care enough in her kids education to take the time and make sure they are learning and are responsible in getting their homework turned in. I am curious to see their report cards for the first quarter. I feel so helpless. Literally our hands are tied and we have to micro-parent. We do the best we can to teach them while they are over. Thats all we can really do. we certainly arent in a place in our lives to enter a custody battle because we cannot afford to support 3 more children. If he only had one we would be in court already. We live in a smalll 2 bedroom condo. There just isnt any room. Thier kids are already expressing to us how much they hate school and how they dont want to go to college because it is dumb and a stupid waste of time. I have taught my kids that they need to go to college so they can support themselves and one day a family and on top of that go to work everyday doing something they want to do. My son wants to be a marine biologist and my daughter wants to be like mommy and be a doctor. I am actually going for nursing but i am seriously considering being a doctor. I am not sure she knows the difference between the two. she is only 5. i am not saying that they will do this. I am just saying that i have already started to talk to them about what they want to be and i reward them (not financially so to say) for their great work in school. I reward them with vacations, time together at the park and i am a member to museums and zoos that we visit frequently. I just think education is the most important thing someone can have.

 

I dont know what i am asking here. I guess i just want some ideas on how we can help only seeing them twice a month. Their mom is a loser who is raising her oldest son (18) to be a loser too. i will be damned if his kids go that route too. This i wont allow.

 

Is just keeping up on her with the principal all we can do? it sure doesnt seem like enough. she is just all to consumed in her bf that her kids are being watched by her oldest son and he has become the "mom" and unfortunately and he is no more responible then her. I just feel like these three children are going to slip through the crack somewhere.

[a4a]

well your bf if he really gave a crap would keep track of all her misdoings and take custody of the kids and then you could get a larger home with her paying him child support instead of him paying.

 

no offense but you bf doesn't seem to really put his money where his mouth is.

 

If he is truly done with his X his priority should be those kids not worrying about her and how she may react.

 

Damn shame 3 kids will end up in the toilet because of her and his lack of action. This is not your battle cause you have no rights in the matter.

 

Your BF needs a foot up his ass. This is pretty much a constant from your numerous postings that he does not take proper action.

 

Probably with 5 kids you could still get financial aid if married.

[almostthere]

he really is trying. I dont agree with 100% of all of his choices but because i am not the parent here it is not my place. I still say things because they are children and i dont want to see anything happen but i really have no say. he grew up in basically poverty because his parents had 7 children. His one brother died already of cancer but out of the surviving 6 none of them have anything great going for them. in my opinion and in my childhood i was middle class. i was not rich and my parents struggled like everyone else. i am mainly concerned about just being able to provide a nice house in a nice neighborhood where my kids can attend a really good school.

 

I am not sure that he isnt doing the best he can right now. Do you know how expensive it is to feed 5 children? Childcare costs? Clothing and everything else? As far as a home goes we would provide less then they have right now. I am not sure that is any better. Then we have to move into some ghetto just to provide because we can barely afford child support for his kids and the needs of my kids. I cant expect my kids to live in the ghetto just as i dont want his kids to and right now they are doing ok.

 

Custody just isnt an option. Besides she is moving in with her bf next month and we are hoping things will change. In the past things have been rocky between us but this isnt about that. it is about how as "weekend parents" we can help this situation.

 

I appreciate your comments...I really do...however, it seemed to me that he was bashed for something he shouldnt be. He is more involved with his kids then any other single father i have met. during his slow season we had them over for dinner two week nights every week and then every sunday plus sat overnight to 8pm sunday. until she moves...then they will live too far to have them over for dinner. she is moving an hour and half away. we cannot stop that. we already tried.

[calalily]

Well, I'm Australian, and I presume you are American, so I presume the system works a little differently, but if you have 3 kids, and financial aid to do your course, there is every possibility that these kids will have an opportunity similar to you to go to university.

 

I think that perhaps you might consider that university/college is a middle class value - not everyone wants or holds it dear. He was obviously working class, and so his wife and children were - so they appreciate jobs and employment, not education. This is an equally valid choice, and your snobbery is showing here.

 

Both their parents are "working class" and so they don't appreciate education - including attendance, or homework, and you should take this into account - values are different. Otherwise that degree you are working towards would mean nothing because everyone would have one.

 

He is more involved with his kids then any other single father i have met. during his slow season we had them over for dinner two week nights every week and then every sunday plus sat overnight to 8pm sunday.

 

No offence, but this isn't particularly involved - it may be in general comparison, but not when compared to what a dad should be doing.

 

it is about how as "weekend parents" we can help this situation.

 

Firstly, don't talk about people being losers - this is a surefire way to send these kids plummeting into a life of crime. Secondly, just support them and try to make them feel included, and tell them nice things about themselves. Thirdly, remove your expectations about what they should do with their lives - if it's not ever possible for them to match this, it will also turn them into serious offenders.

 

I dont agree with 100% of all of his choices but because i am not the parent here it is not my place. I still say things because they are children and i dont want to see anything happen but i really have no say.

 

That's your key statement here - they aren't your children, and their mother and father have a right to raise them as they see fit, according to their own values - not yours. And from what you have said in your posts your boyfriend is putting his girlfriends' financial education aid over the wellbeing of his own children, so he is no better and certainly no more concerned about this than she is.

[Buttaflyy]

I agree with the previous post. He needs to do something about this. By telling the school that they should themselves contact the mom, kind of sounds like he's throwing off the responsibility.

 

If the children are being neglected, nothing else should come before their well being. If they are failing, and he does nothing, he is also part of the blame. IMO, even before marriage, with this situation being what it is, his focus should be on raising his kids. I'm sure that no matter what, your focus is on yours.

[almostthere]

Look...not to be rude but you two have seriously missed the boat. Where do you get off calling me snobby. My dad was a f'n cop and cheated on my mom 7 times until she finally stopped forgiving him and then the only reason we could keep the house they had was because he paid child support and she worked in customer service in which we all know doesnt pay well. So im sorry we were working class.

 

My bf and his exw were not considered working class when they were married. She lost her job and was too lazy to get off the couch forcing them to leave the current house they were renting and moving back in with his dad. She was off of work for 9 months. and my bf worked part time as a self employed person in HVAC. They didnt have a good work ethic!! Plus his exw cheated on him then divorced him to go live with the other man. so it appears to me since he cannot be the good dad you described i guess he is doing his best with what he is allowed. It was not his fault.

 

Snobby because i want my kids to know education is important? lets not talk about struggling. I used to won a home with my exh but because i was mentally and physically abused i left him. I moved my two kids back in with my mom and have had to stay there for 4 years until my bf and moved in together. I am not receiving any child support because my exh is "too lazy to work" as he said to me before. Now he is working so hopefully i can have a little help. I shop at aldi and every other place i can to save. i clip coupons and go to four different stores every week just to save a buck. I know what it is like to not be able to afford things. Jesus, i am not or have ever been spoon fed.

 

As far as school goes...isnt a high school eduaction at least required for most decent jobs? C'mon why are you killing us for doing whatever we can for his kids? i know i am not their mom but i am not pushing my views on to him he is asking for a little help from me because he wants to be better.

 

And here in america almost every job requires at least some degree and by the time our youngest children graduate only warehousing jobs and customer service jobs will be available without a degree. College is becoming a necessity. If you dont believe me google it!

 

All i asked for was ways that we can help his kids. thats it. What is wrong with us wanting to help his kids? I dont care what you think of him as a dad. Get your marriage broken up because your spouse f*d someone else and left you for him/her forcing you out of the house and being a weekend dad. you two have no clue. sorry to be rude but you dont. maybe you two are the spoon fed ones.

[Buttaflyy]

I'm sorry, I missed the part where you were called Snobby. I don't agree with that at all. I see that you have a concern for these kids. I also know that times are hard, but really if the kids are being neglected dad has to go into action. You too if you marry. I've had a similar situation with my SO, yes he only has one child, but I have one as well and it would be a big difference from the way that we live now. The bottom line though is, if we had to take custody of his daughter it would be a sacrifice we'd just have to make. Especially, had it been under those circumstances. I can't imagine letting a child fail in life and not do something. Especially if it were my child. Dad has to be more active in their everyday lives somehow. Maybe he and the mom can sort something out? If the kids were shown how serious this is, they may be more attentive to making progress. They also need direction and won't do these things on their own.

 

Hope all goes well.

[calalily]

Where do you get off calling me snobby.

 

Here are examples:

 

i want my kids to know education is important

I used to won a home

isnt a high school eduaction at least required for most decent jobs?

 

Words like "decent" jobs qualifies as a class view.

 

And by the way, my sob story has yours beat. My parents had only primary school education.

 

why are you killing us for doing whatever we can for his kids?

 

I gave you plenty of good advice about what to do, but I was honest. Did you come here to be told the truth in an anonymous situation, or be praised for how wonderful and insightful you are? Cause if you want to dog on the ex wife, there is a section called rants.

[almostthere]

Ok...i went to lunch and had a few cigarettes. I was completely bothered by the way the post was handled. Buttaflyy thanks for sticking more to the topic.

 

I am not trying to say i am better off or not better off then any one else. Yes i realize these are not my kids but i am sincerely concerned on their well being. After my schooling is done and we can provide for all the kids then we are snatching custody. I am just trying to do the best i can now. they dont have an good influence in their life right now for a mother figure and I am trying to be one when i have them. I am trying to teach them the best i can about life not just school.

 

Of course i worry about my kids but i worry about his too. I am studying to be a nurse at a hospital for children who are deprived their parents due to cancer. You would be surprised at how many parents cannot handle their children being sick and wont even visit. It's sad. So if you think i am not capable of caring for children other then mine i have decided to devote my life to them. No matter how difficult it will be. i am sure i will be driving home from work crying a lot.

 

The bottom line is really this...i feel very badly for these kids. I especially feel horrible that there isnt a way that we could help more. I am trying to change my hours at work to pick them up from school and sit with them to do homework. But their mom just wont allow it. I guess i can understand being a mom myself. but that might give me the incentive to do something about it.

 

my bf is working 2 jobs right now because we are buying all the kids new winter coats, boots, hats and clothes for the cold weather coming. we are doing the best we can for them. His oldest daughter just had a bday. her mom took a vacation during this time and we had them at our house (thankfully we wanted them for her bday) and we did the cake and all and she didnt do anything. not even a gift or a simple cupcake. this breaks my heart. it really does. we took her out to chuck e cheese for her bday party and we had a great time. do you know how heart breaking it is to hear children say they wish their mom was thre for them more often?

 

we really are doing our best...its just hard with their mom hating me and not dropping the kids off to me or allowing me to come pick them up.

 

i am just so frustrated. i feel like she is not allowing them the chance to succeed or teaching them responsibility. i am just sad about the whole thing. i know i am not perfect if i was sometimes i think i should have stayed with their dad and just taken the abuse...but what really would i have been teaching them. its ok to hit your wife and disrespect her? its ok to be a wife and be treated that way?

 

childhood is the foundation for life. I just dont want theirs ruined...thats really all.

 

my bf only told the principal to call his exw to tell her because she would not believe him or care if it just came from him. the principal of the school has more impact. he did ask the principal to please keep him informed so we know what is going on.

 

everything is what it is right now. nothing can change even if we took her to court. as things are right now i need some advice on the current situation. thats all. i just want to help them right now.

[almostthere]

and we are trying to take control of the situation...hence the post. why else would i be asking for help? this is his first divorce and my first shot at step parenting...i am just looking for advice.

 

...and a decent wage is what i meant by decent job. its very hard to raise kids on minimum wage. could you do it for $12/hour with everything being so expensive? i dont think so.

[seven]

almostthere ... will just say that I think your intentions are good to help your bf's kids. Every school has a school counselor/psychologist available to help with these types of issues. Actually, I'm surprised the principal hasn't suggested this. Sounds like bf's children are being neglected. You can help by suggesting/encouraging their dad to set up an appointment with the school counselor so together a plan can be started to improve the kids living situation and communication with parents/teachers. Sometimes it just takes one person (not necessarily a family member) to get the ball rolling. That someone can be you. Knowing someone cares enough to take action will make a positive difference in their lives.

 

 

by almostthere:

Ok...i went to lunch and had a few cigarettes.

 

Soapbox (sorry literally can't stop myself): the cigarettes ... they're expensive for one thing and lung cancer is a nasty little disease. My dad died from it, wasn't pleasant to experience or watch. Plus, one day you'll be a nurse/doctor ... practice what you'll preach.

[almostthere]

Thanks seven. I was thinking about writing the school and asking if there was anyway the school could help. I dont know how or how i can fix the problem but these kids are in trouble all the time there and sometimes (most of the time) it isnt their fault. Like the homework thing.

 

As far as smoking goes...i know its a horrible habit. Its just with all the stresses in my life ablready I am not ready to add to it. However, watching these videos and reading about diseases in school I am seriously trying to get my life to even out then I will quit. I dont want to die with lung cancer. The more i see it the more it scares me. I am sure i will be scared out of my bad habit.

[Buttaflyy]

As far as smoking goes...i know its a horrible habit. Its just with all the stresses in my life ablready I am not ready to add to it. However, watching these videos and reading about diseases in school I am seriously trying to get my life to even out then I will quit. I dont want to die with lung cancer. The more i see it the more it scares me. I am sure i will be scared out of my bad habit.

 

I'm withya on that! I totally understand, I've been trying to quit for a while now. It doesn't help since here at work, I have smoke partners. I wish I had a partner to quit with (hint hint)

 

Let us know how the call to the school turns out.