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my daughter is seeing a heart specialist...dad and kinda step dad want to go...


almostthere

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I am taking my daughter a week from tomorrow to a heart specialist for a murmur her doctor heard. he just wants it checked out...hopefully it isnt anything for concern (although i do feel very concerned right now).

 

I told her dad (my exhusband) and of course he wants to be there. I told my bf (been dating for a year but best of friends for almost two) and he wants to be there too.

 

I live with my bf (we cannot marry because of my schooling, financial aid reasons) and he is very close with my kids. both of them have told me several times how sad they would be if we broke up and asked when we were going to get married. my daughter is 5 and my son is 8.

 

If my bf goes then my exhusband will not. he is not that comfortable and he doesnt understand why my bf is included in things like this. as soon as i told my bf, right after the doctors appt, he called his boss and requested that day off. my exhusband did not go to my daughter's preschool grad because my bf came. my daughter wanted my bf to go. is he supposed to say no and just stay home?

 

so who really has more of a right to go? if i tell my bf not to go then he will be hurt and i love him. if i tell him he can then the dad wont go and i think since he is her biological dad he has a right to go.

 

What do i do?

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bluechocolate

What do i do?

 

The child's father has a right to be there.

 

Yes, he's acting like a jerk (though I don't know the circumstances of your break-up), but he still has a right to be there.

 

come to think of it - I do remember you.........doesn't change my opinion though.

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HokeyReligions

You don't tell either of them to be there or not. If your ex is going to be that childish then don't worry about it. It is his choice if he wants to be there or not for his child.

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superconductor

Both of them are acting like jerks.

 

The bio dad won't go if the BF is there? WTF?? Since when has this hospital visit have anything at all to do with him?

 

And your BF wants to go even though he knows that your daughter's father won't go if he's there? A good man will know when to back off. Clearly, your BF doesn't.

 

Tell them both to suck it up.

 

By the way, heart murmurs are nothing new, and only rarely do they signify anything dangerous. Certainly, get it checked out, but don't lose sleep over it. My paternal grandfather lived with a heart murmur until he was 81. My other grandfather (mother's side) also had one; he died at 73 after falling down some concrete steps.

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bluechocolate
Both of them are acting like jerks.

 

The bio dad won't go if the BF is there? WTF?? Since when has this hospital visit have anything at all to do with him?

 

And your BF wants to go even though he knows that your daughter's father won't go if he's there? A good man will know when to back off. Clearly, your BF doesn't.

I agree.

 

The school play is one thing, Dad missed it, his loss. This is something completely different. Kinda step-dad should do the manly thing here, keep the peace & back off.

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  • Author

I think it is appropriate for the biological dad to go too. I was thinking about it like this...

 

if one of my bfs kids had to go in to get checked my bf and his exw would go. and I wouldnt even think about asking to go. not because i am not concerned but because it really is their place to go and i wouldnt want to make his exw uncomfortable during a time like that.

 

if my exh's gf wanted to go I wouldnt say anything about it but thats because i like her. so i go by example #2.

 

Blue chocolate you have me confused...what do you mean you think you remember me but it doesnt change your opinion? I am not sure how to take that.

 

As far as the dads relationship...he pretty good to the kids. financially he does not take care of them at all but this isnt about money its about our daughter.

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bluechocolate

Blue chocolate you have me confused...what do you mean you think you remember me but it doesnt change your opinion? I am not sure how to take that.

Ha! Nothing to worry about. I only said that because I initially said I didn't know the circumstances of the break-up with your husband (sometimes circumstances can make a BIG difference). Then I remembered that I had read & answered some of your posts in the past, but even so my opinion on this matter remains the same. Does that make sense?

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I say encourage both to go, because this is a health matter that they BOTH need to be aware of (even if it may be on the minor end of things), and it's best if they hear what the doctor has to say about her care or what she needs to do/avoid since both have access to raising her.

 

I'm sorry your husband feels uncomfortable, but he really needs to look past it and put your baby's needs first. And that means sometimes teaming up with your boyfriend and his girlfriend to help raise the kids the best way possible.

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You had me worried there for a sec bluechocolate. I always liked your advice but i was afraid what you might be thinking!! lol

 

Anyway...thanks for all of the advice on this issue. Thankfully its just for a heart murmur. if it was more serious I have to admit i would want my bf to come with. I need the support and comfort only he could give me in a more difficult situation...no matter how it made my exh feel. I wouldnt be able to handle anything more serious without him by my side. I could handle it but i wouldnt want to.

 

I guess i will talk to him about it and see what happens. and i will talk to my exh and see what he says. the last post did however make a lot of sense that my bf should be and needs to be involved in the medical issues of my children since he lives with them 7 days a week. but since right now it is my understanding it is just a heart murmur maybe just me and my exh should go. if, God forbid, the specialist thinks something more serious is wrong then i will include him because he should be there and i need him there.

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RecordProducer

If my bf goes then my exhusband will not.

That's HIS problem, not yours. If your ex insisted that his GF goes there, would you NOT go because of her? You would still go.

 

he is not that comfortable and he doesnt understand why my bf is included in things like this
Well he has to wake up some day and realize that when people split, new partners enter their lives and they have all the privilege of being included in everything.When you marry your BF, he will be the one living with your daughter, kissing her goodnight, taking her to the doctor when she has a fever in the middle of the night; he will be a part of her life and an active participant in everything that's related to her.

 

So your ex is plain wrong about wanting to exclude your BF from the picture. You can bring whomever you want there with you and no one has a right to tell you that you can't bring your love partner there. If you're going to need a hug, who's gonna give it to you? Your ex? I bet you couldn't care less about his hug.

 

as soon as i told my bf, right after the doctors appt, he called his boss and requested that day off. my exhusband did not go to my daughter's preschool grad because my bf came. my daughter wanted my bf to go. is he supposed to say no and just stay home?
Obviously his pride is more important to him than his daughter. He is being infantile about this.:mad:

 

so who really has more of a right to go? if i tell my bf not to go then he will be hurt and i love him.
They both have the right to go, considering their position in your daughter's life. Don't hurt your BF! He loves your children and if you exclude him from the important moments of their lives, you will distance him from them. And that's not good. Your future is with your BF, not with your ex. Make yourself happy. Make your children happy. The 3 of you need to live with the BF, not your spoiled ex.

 

 

if i tell him he can then the dad wont go and i think since he is her biological dad he has a right to go.
You've mixed three different terms here: right, desire, and blackmail.

 

They both have a right to go. None of them has a right to tell the other one to NOT go.

 

They both have a desire to go, BUT if your BF goes then the father has NO DESIRE to go. That's his choice, not yours!

 

The bio dad is blackmailing you with something that you really don't have to buy. Who the hell is he to impose conditions that suit only him and nobody else?

 

Let him know that the BF is going and if he doesn't feel like being there for his daughter, he is welcome to not show up.

 

He is an ass, if you ask me! :sick:

 

Hope all goes well with the examination. Murmurs are normal in kids and they go away later. I've had it then it disappearred. Good luck! :)

 

P.S. Your BF is a sweetheart! Don't lose a man like him over an idiotic ex! ;)

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whichwayisup

Both should go. The more support the better. Remember, this isn't about you, the ex or your present guy - This is about your daughter who needs everybody who is in her life that is close to her.

 

My thoughts are with you, and I hope all goes well. Please post back when you know what's going on.

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RecordProducer
Both should go.
That's nice, but the father will not go if the BF goes so "both" is not an option.

 

I think anyone's value in a child's life is measured with how much effort you put into it. The BF is obviously putting a lot of effort: takes care of kids that are not his, he even took a day off to be with her in the hospital. The father, on the other hand, will put effort if the BF doesn't. He is trying to squeeze the BF out so that his miniature effort counts as a big sacrifice. He doesn't want to sacrifice for his own daughter! Who needs a father like that?

 

Moreover, if he is not glad that this BF loves his children then he is screwed up, if you ask me. Would he prefer it if the BF were hostile toward his kids? Probably yes.

 

The BF is creating a relationship with his future step-children and he deserves some credits for that. The father is trying to ruin that. No one is standing in between the kids and the father, but he is trying to stand in between his kids and the BF.

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Record Producer read my mind exactly and hit the nail on the head. Couldn't have said it better. Your ex is driven by ego. Your BF is driven by love.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Well...thanks for all your advice. The appointment is done now and she is fine as we all thought she would be.

 

It went like this...

 

My bf went to work because the boss wouldnt let him off.

 

My ex "forgot" about the appointment and called me at 4:00 pm to let me know he forgot and to see how things turned out. I reminded him two days before the appointment that it was Friday at 10:30 am. He didnt remember until 4:00 pm that day. Nice huh?

 

So all in all...I was the only one who went.

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seriously your ex is some piece of work... glad it all worked out for you how's the little one??

 

 

this is another example of a parent(x-H) not really giving a crap but putting on airs for the benefit of saving face publically........ there are so many of those out there. Shame they won't just admit to it and just go away allow the child to be with a parent or family who really does care.

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I agree A4A at least you admit you don't want em and aren't having them..

 

I want the government no where near my reproductive rights but it doesn't change how sad it is you need a license to hunt fish drive etc... but any moron can have kids.

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I agree A4A at least you admit you don't want em and aren't having them..

 

I want the government no where near my reproductive rights but it doesn't change how sad it is you need a license to hunt fish drive etc... but any moron can have kids.

 

 

If by chance I had one (lets say I never knew I was pregnant and gave birth in the Burger King bathroom) :lmao: I would not want it and would promptly Ebay the child for a dandy profit. :lmao: :lmao: I admit it! 100%! Hell if I had it I may as well make me happy and some good adoptive parents too.

 

I would last maybe 2 weeks of putting up the false mommy front. GAK! :sick:

 

Now my H did kinda want kids... I did ponder it for him.... but he would have to be the sole caretaker of it without any expectations of me bonding with it.

This is not a logical thing to do nor in the best interest of all parties.

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If by chance I had one (lets say I never knew I was pregnant and gave birth in the Burger King bathroom) :lmao: I would not want it and would promptly Ebay the child for a dandy profit. :lmao: :lmao: I admit it! 100%! Hell if I had it I may as well make me happy and some good adoptive parents too.

 

I would last maybe 2 weeks of putting up the false mommy front. GAK! :sick:

 

Now my H did kinda want kids... I did ponder it for him.... but he would have to be the sole caretaker of it without any expectations of me bonding with it.

This is not a logical thing to do nor in the best interest of all parties.

 

I bet you'd be a great mommy A4a! You'd probably be a better mom than some of the people we talk about. :D:p

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Of course the dad has a right, but he's refusing it by not attending because of the BF. That's his problem, I don't think it's your responsibility to tell the BF he can't come because the ex has a problem. What, are you never supposed to move on, remarry? He should want to know the man who spends alot of time with his kids. If he cared that is.

 

Glad your daughter is well! :)

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I bet you'd be a great mommy A4a! You'd probably be a better mom than some of the people we talk about. :D:p

 

people tell me that same damn thing but they are serious.

 

man kids gross me out.... hanging on you... poopin' :sick: needy needy cry cry.... gimme gimme..:sick:

 

ok nuff jackin almosts thread.

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RecordProducer

I am very glad everything is OK with your daughter. :)

My ex "forgot" about the appointment and called me at 4:00 pm to let me know he forgot and to see how things turned out.
If it weren't sad, it would be hilarious. :confused:

 

One mor reason for you to take your boyfriend next time and NOT worry about your ex's (lack of) feelings.

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