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Son wants to sleep in my bed since hubby moved


cal gal

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My 14 year old son continues to try to come in and sleep with me since my husband moved.

 

I have explained to him that he needs to be in his own bed for his own comfort, privacy and emotional healing.

 

Just when things are going well - then he just comes in during the night time etc.

 

I feel so mean when I have to tell him to go back in his own bed and he's begging to lay down with me.

 

Yesterday - he was sick, so I let him sleep with me last night, so the vicous cycle starts again.

 

Any input and suggestions are appreciated.

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I can see why you're in a quandry about this. This is a tough age. He's not really grown up, a child emotionally, who just wants his Mama. But physically he's not so much anymore, which can make things uncomfortable.

 

Why does he want to sleep with you?

 

Is there a way to get him to sleep in his own bed but treat him like you would a younger child--tucking him in, sitting and talking with him before he goes to sleep. It's normal that he'd regress to an earlier age during this time, so some extra TLC at this time is in order. But I'd be wary of letting him sleep with me, though my daughter's 14, and if H suddenly disappeared, I wouldn't think a thing of it.

 

I guess it's the opposite gender thing and incest taboo that has you a little freaked?

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I think you know that letting your 14 year old son sleep with you is wrong..

 

It is damaging to him . you will start to affect how he relates to women.. and at this age that is the wrong thing to be doing

 

If he is having trouble dealing with everything you might want to consider counseling.

 

You cannot be his therapist as you are to close to the situation.. He needs a 3rd party to talk things out with..

 

Call and get him an appoinment for a counselor

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He probably is afraid of losing you as well since his dad left. No matter what age he is it can tramatic when parents split up . Him wanting to be with his mom when he is sick nothing wrong with that. My daughter gets into bed with me when she is sick and wants to be close. It probably is hard for him to deal with since it has always been you two . How long where you togther ?

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He does see a counselor AC, and it does help immensely, he just tends to fall back into this every month or so.

 

I think for him it is just a comfort thing. When my boys go to bed I always tuck them in and kiss them goodnight, so that continues like it always has.

 

It is a while later he comes to my room asking to lay down.

 

Why do I feel mean when I say no? He'll stand there and say "but it's a king sized bed... or I'm scared mom"....

 

Then I feel heartless.

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bluechocolate
If he is having trouble dealing with everything you might want to consider counseling.

 

Call and get him an appointment for a counselor

This is what I was thinking.

 

It is understandable why he wants to sleep with you. I don't know the story about your husband leaving, but your son is probably suffering a profound sense of loss & disquiet in his life. He probably fears (though maybe not consciously) that you'll leave him too. Most likely there are other changes in his behaviour as well. How is he coping at school? Is he having bad dreams?

 

Maybe you should find a child psychologist & book an appointment for yourself first to talk things over & see what you think.

 

---------------------------

 

oops - you responded to A_C while I was typing......

 

What does the counselor say about the sleeping business? Have you spoken recently to this counselor?

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This is what I was thinking.

 

It is understandable why he wants to sleep with you. I don't know the story about your husband leaving, but your son is probably suffering a profound sense of loss & disquiet in his life. He probably fears (though maybe not consciously) that you'll leave him too. Most likely there are other changes in his behaviour as well. How is he coping at school? Is he having bad dreams?

 

Maybe you should find a child psychologist & book an appointment for yourself first to talk things over & see what you think.

 

---------------------------

 

oops - you responded to A_C while I was typing......

 

What does the counselor say about the sleeping business? Have you spoken recently to this counselor?

 

totally agree with you Blue he is not excepting this loss well and making it hard for him to sleep in his bed . He has lost his dad and now he is afraid his mom will leave as well. That is great he is going to a counselor to help him deal with things Calgal. Have you told the counselor about him wanting to sleep with you and being scared?

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You do need to tell him NO.. he is a young man now..

 

Even though emotionally he is far from an adult he needs to learn to sleep by himself.

You have to trust yourself and make the decision for him.

And keep up the threapy.. I'll bet 10-1 that he would be worse off without it..

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You do need to tell him NO.. he is a young man now..

 

Even though emotionally he is far from an adult he needs to learn to sleep by himself.

You have to trust yourself and make the decision for him.

And keep up the threapy.. I'll bet 10-1 that he would be worse off without it..

 

 

I agree with you AC it is emotional and he is searching for that comfort from me. The counselor says that he is better off learning how to comfort himself instead of me doing this for him, ooooohhh to be a mom is a hard balance at times when I know I should say no, but I want him to not feel turned away...

 

Sassy,

 

Married twenty years, hubby = second affair, so asked him to move, divorce etc.

 

My other son is 16 years old.

 

They are both great kids and excellent students (top 3% in nation on SAT scores) very consistent. We do talk about all the changes coming and I'm sure that is hard for them as well.

 

We will move before too long - but stay right here in town. Their friends and schools will be the same. I am trying to keep things consistent and familiar as much as possible.

 

This bed time thing makes me feel mean though....

 

:(

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My girls are your boys' age. Maybe it's a girl thing, but they will sleep in one another's rooms every now and then, like if they watch a scary movie.

 

Do the guys share a room? Would that be a possibility?

 

I'd talk to your son's counsellor to ask his/her opinion.

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I agree with you AC it is emotional and he is searching for that comfort from me. The counselor says that he is better off learning how to comfort himself instead of me doing this for him, ooooohhh to be a mom is a hard balance at times when I know I should say no, but I want him to not feel turned away...

 

Sassy,

 

Married twenty years, hubby = second affair, so asked him to move, divorce etc.

 

My other son is 16 years old.

 

They are both great kids and excellent students (top 3% in nation on SAT scores) very consistent. We do talk about all the changes coming and I'm sure that is hard for them as well.

 

We will move before too long - but stay right here in town. Their friends and schools will be the same. I am trying to keep things consistent and familiar as much as possible.

 

This bed time thing makes me feel mean though....

 

:(

 

Wow! No wonder the child is having a hard time with this. He is use to you two always being together. I feel for him and what he is dealing with. My heart goes out to you both.You and your kids have and are dealing with alot right now . Hugs to you Calgal!

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I don't know, my parents started having problems when I was 16 pretty bad and then got divorced a year later. There is no way I would have asked my mother to sleep in her bed, not at 10 even. I stopped doing that at 3 or 4 I think. Of course at the time I saw her as the driving force behing a lot of the chaos around the house, or at least an equal partner if not the ringleader. I reached out to my close friends during that time, which was a lot more comfortable since friends have some boundaries.

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Sorry but if my husband and I ever divorced and my 14 year old son asked to sleep in my bed with me...I'd say yes. He's my child who needs to have a feeling of security and comfort. I would say yes. I think it's sick to think of it any other way.

 

There's not a thing in the world wrong with it as long as it's only once in a while. Not all the time.

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At 14 they are not children any more. At all. You want to pay for years of therapy for him when he's grown, keep letting a boy in puberty sleep in mom's bed. You people are creeping me out. You do realize that 'kids' that age are having sex with each other, do you not? Childhood ends much earlier than when you were kids, people.

 

Hell, even when I was that old I would have thought it creepy - not comforting - to sleep with either parent.

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I think it's "creepy" that some parents think it's creepy for their CHILD of 14 to be too old to sometimes sleep in the same bed as they are.

 

Maybe if you saw nothing wrong with it, they wouldn't be having sex with other CHILDEN!

 

It was a comfort for me at 14 to be able to do that. Your good instincts as a mother are telling you that it's the right thing to do. When it's not...you'll know that too.

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whichwayisup
Why do I feel mean when I say no? He'll stand there and say "but it's a king sized bed... or I'm scared mom"....

 

Because he knows how to push your buttons and make you feel abit guilty. He isn't doing it meanly or malciously, but he is manipulating you so he gets what he wants.

 

Take him back to his room, sit with him for afew minutes, leave a light on if need be, tell him you love him, nothing bad is going to happen, he's in a safe and loving place, and you'll see him in the morning...Give him a hug and a kiss too.

 

He needs to feel secure and right now he isn't. That is why he's wanting to sleep in your bed. All sorts of fears and bad thoughts going through his head.

 

Try not to feel bad or guilty by telling him no when asks to sleep in your bed. Sympathize with his fears, his worries, but don't give in to him.

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I am a Mom that talks openly about anything sexual with my boys.

 

The boundaries of what is acceptable and not is so clearly stated to them.

 

My 14 year old is an exceptional looking guy, and told me a few days ago that he has not made out with anyone.

 

Because we are honest, respectful, upfront and open with each other - is probably one of the reasons why he feels he can ask to sleep with me.

 

Just trying to make the best choices for my boys as they get older - and have them remember boundaries.... not just with me - but with everyone in life.

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Although this is not within the social norm, I have been completely unable to dig up any evidence that this harmful to the child. The fact that he needs to crawl in bed with his mom is a sign that he needs some help, probably in the form of professional analysis/counseling, but I don't see any reason to believe the act itself is harmful. Unfortunately, I can't find any peer review quality study on this subject. Does anyone know of any? If not, its fair to be concerned, but there isn't any evidence to support the notion that this behavior is causing any harm to her son.

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Then dig up some peer-reviewed studies that say it's a grand thing. You do realize that if this was a 14-year-old daughter sleeping with her father, this board would burst into flames with the outraged howls of posters, do you not? It's no different when the genders are reversed.

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whichwayisup
Then dig up some peer-reviewed studies that say it's a grand thing. You do realize that if this was a 14-year-old daughter sleeping with her father, this board would burst into flames with the outraged howls of posters, do you not? It's no different when the genders are reversed.

I was just thinking along the same lines too, if she had a 14 year old daughter, would we be giving her the same advice? Not to let her sleep in her bed??

 

Daughter or son, a young teen is old enough to know sleeping in mom's bed isn't a good thing and it will turn into a habit, and a learned behaviour.

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This is a question of comfort and security. It's not about sex. As has been pointed out, no one would say a thing if this was a daughter. Why should there be a difference? As long as it's not a habit, I see nothing wrong with it. And it's not out of the blue. Your husband, his father, just left. He's still a CHILD who needs his mother's comfort.

 

What is so wrong with letting him stay in your bed once in a while until he feels secure again? Pop some popcorn, put the tv on. Watch a little TV, kiss him goodnight. What's the big deal? That's called being a good mother. Your guilt in saying no, should tell you that it's the wrong thing to do. He needs you now. Like I said though, just don't make it a habit. That's not good for a child of ANY age or sex.

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As has been pointed out, no one would say a thing if this was a daughter.

 

A daughter and a father? Oh I think you're dead wrong there.

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A daughter and a father? Oh I think you're dead wrong there.

 

Ha! What else is new? We rarely agree.

 

But no, I really don't see a thing wrong with it. Why make it sexual? It's a matter of being a parent and providing security when it is needed. Fourteen is still really young. And as I've said, it's ok once in a while. If it became a habit, then yes, I'd see a problem. The boy just needs comforting and a feeling of security from his mother. Why is that so damaging? I think it's more damaging to NOT provide that when it is needed.

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I think it is clear that this is more than an occansional occurance as she has been advised by the therapist that he needs to sleep on his own..

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