Pls dont skip...i think my 7 yr old son has depression

[almostthere]

Thanks for reading I'll try not to keep you long. My son has been such a kind, loving light hearted boy his whole life. Recently tho he seems quick to cry and has been saying he doesnt get enough time with me. Which I havent changed at all. He gets me from the time we get home from work til bed time...just as he has for the past 7 years. My ex and I have been divorced for 3 years. so this is nothing new to him. However, my ex did move in with his gf about 3 months ago. and i have started to date someone new after breaking it off with my ex bf of 18months. He didnt know my ex bf very well so i know that has nothing to do with it. for the past 3 years the routine has remained unchanged. i live with my mom and every night after i tuck the children into bed i am allowed to go out with whomever i am dating. single moms trying to be in a relationship is difficult. I never ask my mom to put the kids to bed unless i am severly ill or i am called into work at my second job which has happened 1 time in 6 months. last night my son asked me not to go over to my current bf's house after I laid them down. Now i know it has nothing to do with my bf because my bf has been around my kids and they really like him and i believe my bf really likes them. So I dont know what is causing it except that my son has said he wants more time with me. I have been thinking about extending his bedtime til 830 maybe even asking my boss if i can leave at 430 instead of 5. i dont know how to make 5 minutes appear longer then 5 minutes. We are pressed for time after work. I pick them up from my sisters at 615 and we get home at 700 eat dinner and do baths and then its time for bed. but i do see them on the weekends. I just dont know how to ask him if he is depressed and what he s depressed about. I need to talk to him tonight. I want to get this straightened out now that i know what the problem is. thanks for your time.

[d'Arthez]

It could be that he is not getting as much attention from your ex, now your ex is in a new relationship. Or that the attention is less to your son's liking, than it used to be. I don't know if it is possible for you to find out, whether or not that has been the case, but if you can, do so.

 

And it can be that your son is depressed, or something else is bothering him. If you have the opportunity, try to get a professional's opinion. Children's issues can be as complex as adult's issues, with the added difficulty that it is harder to understand a child, if you are the parent.

[Outcast]

IMHO, you shouldn't be going out every night.

 

I have been thinking about extending his bedtime til 830 .I pick them up from my sisters at 615 and we get home at 700 eat dinner and do baths and then its time for bed

 

So he doesn't even get 2 hours with you per day and you're gone every night? How would you have liked it if your mom went out every single night instead of being home in case you needed her?

 

You have a child and having children means sacrificing sometime. Maybe go out one night a week but every night is much, much too much.

[Skeered]

I'm with Outcast on this one. You needn't be out so much during the week your children need to know if they are ill, bad dream whatever that they have mom right there to comfort them.

 

But aside from that, and I'm not saying that your not right but you seemed to have answers for everything except what's wrong with your son..you said I know it's not this because of this and and I know it's not that because of that however our kids are sponges, things we think they may not notice, remember or even care about maybe just the thing that is bothering them. You say your son likes your new BF..and again I'm not saying that he doesn't but I don't know many loving, giving, kind hearted children that would tell their parent that they don't like someone or feel comfortable around someone when they see that person makin their parent so happy. Kids can give up quite a bit of themself to make sure the one person they love the most is happy.

 

Ask your son what he would like to have differently, when he would like to spend time with you..as someone stated sometimes a chids problems are as complex as an adults. Open communication is KEY...

[Sheba]

It is not just a catch phrase, you know. You drive the kids around, feed them, bath them, put them to bed. Is that really spending time paying attention to them?

 

I have two kids. I separated from my husband when they were about 5 1/2 and 6 1/2. Every night, we would eat supper together and while we ate, I would focus on them and ask them questions about their day. Every night, I would read to them for at least 1/2 hour - usually an hour. I played their video games with them many nights. I coloured with them. I built lego castles with them. I made cookies with them. If there were chores to do, like shopping or tidying, we did it together.

 

I did not have a parent or anyone to be with my kids while I went out, so I stayed home. I went "out" every second weekend, when the kids were with their dad - if he chose to have them, that is.

 

I don't regret a second of my enforced closeness with my children. They are teenagers now, and I have wonderful relationships with both of them. They both still fondly recall all of those stories I read, all the game playing time. My ex-husband had all the freedom to act like a single person, but I have had the last laugh because he really missed the boat on the joys of parenting.

 

I still find time to spend with my kids doing things together - it is not as often now, but they still need it and I still enjoy it.

 

I think you should find the time to spend more time being attentive to your kids. Put them to bed a half hour later, and spend the extra half hour reading to them, or playing their games with them. Talk to them lots - I hope you aren't on a cell while you are driving, or talking to others during supper - engage your kids in conversation.

 

I don't accept your rationalizations about "it can't be this or that". It COULD be any of those things you have rejected as the cause of his angst. The change in your son may be due to the simple fact that he is getting older and has a different understanding from his new, older point of view. He may perceive your boyfriend as in competition for your affection now, at 7, in a way that did not occur to him when he was 6. If both parents are having their affection diverted - from his point of view - he may be feeling quite panicked about how far down on the list he will become.

 

Honestly, you sound so busy I can easily imagine he may feel very low on the priority list.

 

I agree with the other posters. Stay home more often.. Give your boy the sense of security he obviously craves. He won't need you like this forever.

 

And, take him to the doctor.

 

Good luck to you both

[Sheba]

I just re-read your post. You spend an hour and 45 minutes with your kids. During that time, you drive for 45 minutes, then eat and bath them. Your son is right. He has no where near enough of your time. Find some more for him!

[Heavenlyflower9]

I totally agree with the all posters. You need to make more time for him. Not only for him but for the other children as well. My son is 6 and after our BIG move (to Germany) he seemed depressed also. But, now I'm a stay at home mom (I also have a 2yo) and spend as much time as I can with him after school. We go to play soccer, we do homework together and we go to the nearby playground. I know it's not possible for you to stay home.

 

What I'm trying to say is.......since i spend more time with him now he's no longer depressed. Go out maybe once a week instead of every night. Find activities on the weekend to do together as a family. Play board games, Does he like soccer? Ride bikes together. Think of something! He really needs you. Let him know that he's still important in your life and you care.

[RecordProducer]

Your case is fairly easy to analyze. Probably because I have two 7-year old sons so I've been in situations where I was depressed myself or didn't have time for them (for a few days or so) so I know how children respond to that. I have noticed that when I spend enough quality time with them, they seem very happy and content overall. I spend most of the day at home so my kids don't miss me, but when I go out, they miss me a lot and are always thrilled when I return. Now because your child has been used to this schedule (not to spend too much time with you), he accepts it as a default situation, but it doesn't make him happy nonetheless.

My son has been such a kind, loving light hearted boy his whole life. Recently tho he seems quick to cry and has been saying he doesnt get enough time with me.

This type of children's character especially feels the need for a lot of affection. So when you're with your son, you should be very affectionate, play with him, kiss him, hug him, laugh with him, talk to him, tickle him, smile a lot, etc. You should spend all your free time with him as much as possible and if you have days off, be with him all day and be actively engaged in pursuing various activities together.

 

However, my ex did move in with his gf about 3 months ago. and i have started to date someone new after breaking it off with my ex bf of 18months. He didnt know my ex bf very well so i know that has nothing to do with it

. This affects your son more than you think. He probably thinks that you love your boyfriend more than you love him, although he might not admit it. Just like women are jealous of their husbands' careers if they spend a lot of time at work, your son is chronically missing your attention.

 

Your child is also jealous of his father's girlfriend since he has moved in with her. He is thinking "My daddy wants to live with her, not me." He doesn't understand the concept of divorce and he sees it through his 7-year old eyes. While his father was living alone, he accepted the situation normally, but now he can't comprehend why his father can be 24/7 with another woman and so rarely with him. Fathers are very important to little boys. they are their idols. I of course know this by viewing my own children.

 

What you can do about this is talk to your husband and get him to spend more time with your son (without his GF) and show him how much he loves him. At the same time, since he likes your BF (that's very good and I am in the same situation), you should use this to get your BF to replace the father figure a little. Don't be afraid of the consequences. My kids love my BF and I asked them once: "What if I don't marry him? How will you accept the fact that he will be gone from your lives?" One of my sons said: "We will always have the great memories of him being so good to us!"

 

Your child should always know that he is the best thing that ever happened to you and that you love him more than anything and that will never change no matter what. I repeat to my children every day that they are the sweetest thing in this world and nothing can compare to my love for them. E.g. I ask them "Do you know what smells the best in this world?" They answer: "We do!" Or I say: "Do you know who are most beautiful children in this world?" They say: "We are." I just made it clear that they are my top priority and they not only know it now, but are even being cocky about it!

[Lil Honey]

All good posts.

 

i have started to date someone new after breaking it off with my ex bf of 18months. He didnt know my ex bf very well so i know that has nothing to do with it.

 

Here is another way of looking at this statement from a 7 year-old's perspective: You started seeing a man for 18 months (when your son was 5 1/2 years old). Now you have another boyfriend. Your son is probably wondering when you are going to replace HIM.

 

I agreed with everyone else. If you have a boyfriend that doesn't understand the fact that you shouldn't be away from your children very often, then he is the wrong type of boyfriend to have.

[almostthere]

OK...thank you for the advice...but please stop bashing my parenting skills. If I could find more time with him you dont think I would? I am a single mom without child support trying to make a happy home for my kids. You guys make me feel like some crack addict mom who doesnt want to be around her children. I take them everywhere with me when I have them. We are zoo members and Shedd aquarium members. I leave work for ALL of their school things no matter what. I take their birthdays off, we save for vacations, go shopping together to run my errands just so i can be with them. I read to them, we watch movies, talk on our long ride to and from work. They are my best friends and i know its a mutual feeling. I am doing everything I can possibly do. I know I should be home after they go to sleep at night but its not like I am out being a kid. I am still responsible and I'm running out to try to keep another relationship that is important to me alive and well. I cant do anything different except for asking my boss if I could start going home 30 mins earlier a day. Which would put me further in debt. I already work two jobs to support them. What more can I do? I am insulted actually that I would be cut down so badly here.

[almostthere]

"Honestly, you sound so busy I can easily imagine he may feel very low on the priority list."

 

My kids are THE ONLY important thing in my life to me. My mom doesnt babysit them. She is just there after they go to sleep. Its not like I am running out on them. I REFUSE to answer my cell during our time. Of course I talk to them over dinner. Jesus....you all make yourselves to sound better then me when I am doing all the same things. I am VERY connected to my children. VERY. And I am the best mom I know. I do know that I could be home at night after they are asleep. I am working on that. I am just trying to make everyone happy and in the meantime...I am killing myself slowly. I am starting college soon and then I will have more time with them because I will be quitting my day job and I will be there before and after their school is done. Im trying to be a mom and a dad. As I always have. My kids have been what kept me going when my exhusband was mentally abusing me. Do you really think I would put them off to the side? I never told them what went on and they never heard it either. Most f the time as he was yelling at me I was locked in the bathroom rocking myself on the floor balling. thinking about killing myself to end the pain but knowing that I would miss my kids for all of eternity. They are truly the only people in this world that I love with my whole heart and they never have to second guess that any second of any minute of any day. So...now that I have clarified all of that...I feel better. We are all the same here. Us moms. you guys that posted back to me. I am just as good as you. and now you can see that too.

[Outcast]

You wanted to know why your kid is clingy and people told you. Whether or not you feel you need to be out each night, it won't stop your kid from being clingy because you're not around in the evenings.

 

You may have a thousand logical reasons for why you need to be out each night and you may have a long list of things you do do. None of those counts when it comes to a kid's emotions. They are too young to add up all you do do and say 'oh well then, because she spends X Y and Z with me, I shouldn't mind that she's out every night when I'm in bed'.

 

So there's no point going on about how wonderful a mom you are and all you do do. That's not the point. The point is that kids have very short-term memory and needs at that age and to him, you being out each night is an eternity even though you are with him a lot of the other time.

[glittergurl]

Oh, my mom went out a couple of nights while I was a child. It may have just been a couple of nights, but even though there was somebody else in the house "just in case", I did not feel 100% safe and comfortable until she got back home. So I can imagine how your kids must feel if you're gone many nights. Children sence so much of what's going on around them, even what you don't tell them.

 

No one is saying you're a bad mother; but maybe you don't realize that your son is thinking and worrying about a whole lot of things that maybe you simply don't take the time to think of. Of course a lot of kids are in wayyyyy worse situations than yours; but you were asking about people's opinion here on why your son could be upset. And this is quite an obvious one that you could fix quite easily.

[brashgal]

You say nothing else has changed other than you have a new boyfriend and your ex moved in with his gf.

 

Does his see his Dad at all? Could be he's uncomfortable if he's going over to a new house (the gf's house).

 

Thought number two - new class at school? everything going ok at school? Learning to read, learning new math skills, etc = stress for some kids. Or dealing with bullies, new set of friends, etc. - he may want additional comfort from you.

 

Last thought - what another poster indicated, he's seen you leave his Dad and your exbf - may cause him some insecurity.

 

It is tough being a single mom - I'm glad you're concerned and trying to help him. Hopefully you can spend some additional time with him on the weekends.

[Sheba]

I am not trying to make you feel like you are a bad mother. I think we all do the best we can, but sometimes, we need someone else to tell us what is the best we can do. I have always parented "by committee". I am lucky to have parents, sisters, friends and an ex to consult about how to deal with my kids. Over the years, I have asked all these other parents thousands of questions - I have done the same thing as you did here by posting your question.

 

I think asking for help parenting is a sign you are a conscientious parent.

 

I don't think you like the answer, but you have got it. Your boy does not like you to go out at night. It makes him feel anxious. I found out, the first time I came home a little late, how my son felt about me being out - he was very upset that I was late. When I asked him why, he said "Why do you get upset when I am late? I love you as much as you love me!" So now, if I am going to be later than I told my kids I would be - I phone and tell them I will be late! When my son is old enough to go out late, I expect him to show me equal consideration.

 

It won't be long before your boy is less needy. He is very young now - and the time will fly by! In the mean time, why you don't just visit with your boyfriend at home, instead of going out?

[almostthere]

I'm sorry...I didnt mean to be so snippy with my reply on Friday. I did have a long talk with my son and found out he is uncomfortable with my ex's girlfriend. And I have nicely said to my ex that he needs to ask her to calm down. My son and I were driving home and he asked me why daddy's girlfriend hates me so much. Me as in mommy. I really didnt know what to say. I'm not saying that I have nothing to do with this. I am sure I cause so upset for my son too. But it seems his major concern is daddys girlfriend. My son says she says a lot of bad things about me. and my son says it confuses him because he doesnt see those things from me that she does. Which of course me and the GF have never met nor known each other ever.

 

Anyway...about me going over to my BF's house...I cant have him over at mine because I live with my mom and she doesnt allow it. And I hate where I live and I am embarressed of it for reasons I wont list due to pride. Short of it would be I live with my mom who is rehabbing her condo. I have the master bedroom, my kids share the smaller room (I wanted them to have the bigger room but she wouldnt allow it), and my mom sleeps on the couch in the family room and doesnt want me to have men in my room. I thought I was 26 but I guess I'm 16. So, inorder to see him I have to go over to his house. It's so hard. I have been alone for 3 years. The last BF didnt show my kids the time of day and I cant allow that. I think I stayed so long for selfish reasons...and I will never admit this to anyone but you guys...but he made enough money for me to be an at home mom and part time college student. If he would of really showed an interest in my children he would have stole my heart. but any man that I choose to be with has to want to be with the kids. I shouldnt even have to say that...it should be assumed. What else sometimes do us single moms have to be happy with in life but our children? Its hard. All I know is i dont want to give up on school but I so want to get an apartment and be able to be a mom by myself and not have my mom trying to do it too. Anyway...I mostly just came on to say I am sorry. I did ask for advice. And I got it. Its just that I may not make a lot of money, my car is not new anymore, I have no savings account because I need every penny to raise my kids, and I havent made my mark on the world...yet. All I know I am doing right so far is being a mom. So I got a little offended. And i apologize.

[HokeyReligions]

You should be able to have your bf over without him being in your room. Why not a family dinner? Then watch TV together or something like that. Include your mom a bit too -- she's your family too.

 

Your son is growing up - he needs a different quality of time with you now too. Different conversations, different social activities, etc.

 

night my son asked me not to go over to my current bf's house after I laid them down.

Did you stay home or go?

 

Your son needs to know that HE comes first. You might be able to tell him that, but he needs to SEE it and that means words are not enough. If he asks you to stay home once in a while then do that. If your new BF is a good guy he must understand that your kids will always come first and he will understand if you need to stay home.

 

Talk with your mother too and show her as well, that you have your priorities straight. She is, and always will be, involved in your life.

 

Does your son fall asleep easily? Then wake him up when you come home and give him a kiss and tell him you are home and let him fall back asleep. Extend his bedtime by 15 or 20 minutes to show him that you know he's growing up and that you want to spend more time with him.

 

Its going to be difficult especially with you going to school - but that is a great thing to show your kids--that school is important. That is a great role-model for them and you'll be glad you did that later (in many ways). School isn't just for you -- its for them too and for your mother.

[TheDiva]

I'm sorry...I didnt mean to be so snippy with my reply on Friday. I did have a long talk with my son and found out he is uncomfortable with my ex's girlfriend. And I have nicely said to my ex that he needs to ask her to calm down. My son and I were driving home and he asked me why daddy's girlfriend hates me so much. Me as in mommy. I really didnt know what to say. I'm not saying that I have nothing to do with this. I am sure I cause so upset for my son too. But it seems his major concern is daddys girlfriend. My son says she says a lot of bad things about me. and my son says it confuses him because he doesnt see those things from me that she does. Which of course me and the GF have never met nor known each other ever.

 

I think you need to have a longer talk with the ex about that. This is a MAJOR concern for a 7 year old!

 

I am myself a step-parent, and no matter what I have been told about the ex-wife, no matter my personal experiences with her, though I haven't met her in person, mainly for lack of opportunity, but we have talked on the phone. I NEVER permit myself to speak ill of her in front of ANY of my children much less her own son. His dad gets him in the summer. I know she speaks ill of us to him because he has questioned me about it. (Why she says this? Why did she say that?) My husband as well, with as many bad things as he has to say about her:rolleyes: , doesn't say anything bad either in front of the kids.

 

It is causing your son concern, and rightly so. You are his mother, the one person he knows that loves him and will do anything for him. So of course it will cause him depression to hear someone speak of you in a bad light. This GF has no right to speak of you that way, no matter what. And if she is doing it, then I strongly suspect your ex is doing it as well. They can talk about you all they want, but should never do it in front of or with your son.(I hope you don't speak ill of either of them as well. ) After warning him (ex) once, I would take some measures to keep it from happening again. I really don't know if you would have some legal options here, but this could pychologically damage your son. Your son said he is uncomfortable with the GF, so if you have a visitation order, prehaps you can tell the ex that his GF needs to go elsewhere for that time he spends with son if they cannot keep their mouths civil in front of him. They are (hopefully) adults and shouldn't be stooping to such a sophomoric level.

 

Good Luck