My Boyfriend has 3 children

[bunnzy]

I am 20, turning 21 in November, but I have been told I am mature for my age. My Boyfriend is 29, and he adores me, and I absolutely love him. We communicate really well, we have the same goals, he makes me feel special, constantly giving me flowers and chocolates, loved he just gives me 'that look' whenever he sees me and safe (he is a black belt in karate). He is Mr Perfect. Insists on paying for everything, whenever we go out.

 

We are discussing marriage now. His family are very very excited, but my parents are unsure of his motives.

 

He has 3 Children, who are true individuals. Ce'nedra is 10, is getting to be a pre-teen and doing alot of things i totally understand and her dad, my b/f doesnt! Linda is a very inteligent quiet girl (9) and Perrin is a vivacious independent and stubborn 6 yr old. [Perrin adores me, but the girls are a little more reserved although they are warming up] I really want what is best for these darling kids. The girls need more positive role models than thier mother. Dad has custody and Mum sees them every Thursday after school, every other weekend and every other week in holidays.

 

The Mum is a druggie, alcholic nymphomaniac. She left my boyfriend 5 years ago, not wanting the kids anymore, she would rather have her drugs. Since then he has been depressed, relying alot on his mother, his sisters, but mostly focusing on being a single dad, and he is a wonderful father. There are issues, resentment towards the Mum and bad-mouthing about her, which i do not condone. I need a little help with this problem, how to involve the mother positively in the kids lives, without stressing me out too much.

 

I also need some parenting tips. I am only 20, taking 3 kids on is HUGE. I need all the help I can get. Mostly I'm wondering how do I get them to listen and respect me without yelling at them?

 

How do I get my Dad to warm up to my b/f? How do i get involved in discipling the kids fairly? What do i do when they don't listen? theres more questions, but these are the main ones at the moment. I would appreciate any positive feedback at all, but no critism please, i get enough of that from my family as is!

[Merin]

Taking on 3 of someone else's Little People is huge... pssshhhh having 3 of your OWN Little People would be huge... LOL

 

This is something IMO you need to discuss more with your BF... while I understand that you want to "Mother" his Kiddo's.. you must also understand that 1) His Kids STILL do have a Mom (yep even if she's all the things you've mentioned) she is STILL in thier lives, and without doubt I'm sure her Kids love her.. so saying DON'T run thier Mom down regardless of how you or your BF feel about her, it will breed bad feelings.

2) That his Kids may feel that you have no right to tell them what to do or how to do it.. again this is an issue you need to discuss with your BF and what he's okay with and what he isn't...

 

Be a good role model for his kids... be thier Friend... look out for them... but don't push to be the "Mom"

 

As far as getting your Dad to warm up to your BF... IMO your BF is a grown man and he is going to need to take some initiative to get to know your Dad... show him that he is a good guy.

 

Last but for real not least... BE SURE of what you're getting into here. His Kids have been through a lot at this point and the last thing they need is to become close to someone who again decides that it isn't what they want or was more then they were looking for.....

 

Good Luck

[jhurtinct]

I totally agree with Merin on this (good advice given-Merin)

I want to second a few things #1 try not to let anyone speak neg. about these childrens mother, it will only destroy them. #2 try and be a friend and point them in the direction of positive things (let the father and mother be the parents). #3 make sure about your relationship and get things squared with the family first, those children don't need another heart break in their lives.

 

Good luck with everything and be careful in your decisions, talk to your dad about what his concerns are he may have some valid points, he loves you I'm sure and only wants the best for you.

[Outcast]

Mostly I'm wondering how do I get them to listen and respect me without yelling at them? Mostly I'm wondering how do I get them to listen and respect me without yelling at them?

 

How do I get my Dad to warm up to my b/f? How do i get involved in discipling the kids fairly? What do i do when they don't listen?

 

You have to work this out with your bf - you are an 'intruder' in a sense. You'll never be 'mom' so you'll have to be more like 'auntie'. Your bf and you have to come to an agreement about how you handle these situations and then he has to explain to the kids what he expects of them and of you in terms of how you relate. You can also get some great books on how to step-parent.

[bunnzy]

Thank you for your comments guys. The children are generally good at taking direction from anyone their dad trusts, they are used to being disciplined by their dad, aunty and grandma. I think i will check out the library and some book shops for advice books.

 

Its a little bit funny with my dad. When he married my mum, he had 3 kids from a previous marraige too. Although his kids werent living with him... until I was born then i had a step-brother who was my 'real' brother and 2 step sisters who ive only met a handful of times.

 

My parents have let me know what i am getting myself into. Their marraige is so strong, but nearly broke apart at one point because of the ex wife. I can totally understand how they don't want me to be involved in this family, but i believe i can learn from thier mistakes (my mum ALWAYS talks bad about my dads ex wife, which is something i will never ever do, its too damaging) I have had hours on end listening and really taking into account everything my parents are telling me, but in the end they trust me and my decisions. It is just painful that they don't trust who i love.

 

Me and my boyfriend have been talking at length about our relationship, about my family, about the children mostly. We do not want to subject these precious kids to any more trauma. They deserve better. I love my boyfriend and adore these kids.

 

Any more 'parenting' tips would be appreciated. These forums are fantastic by the way, everyone is so open and objective, i love it.

[pooh23350]

My boyfriend is /was in the same situation as you are now.He knew from the start that if he wanted to be with me I was a pakaged deal.I have 4 daughters.He took it on very well.He really did not say too much to them at first when they were being bad or anything like that.I guess he was afraid of what my reaction was gonna be.The way he did it was little by little.If they did somthing wrong he would say somthing to them after about a month or so after we were together.He would not make them do anything around the house because I guess he thought that was my part.Now we have been together for a little over 3 months and he is fully involed in there lives.He does things with them,like sit down and helps them with there homwork,reads books to them,plays games with them, and things like that.He even disaplines the kids when they need it.I don't say a word to him about it.and if the kids say somthing to me to try to get out of it I just tell them he told you to do it,now listen to him or you will go to your room.Or if he tells them to go to there room I tell them the same thing.Do what he says.He does not hesitate anymore to say anything to them.My daughters have never turned around to him and said"i do not have to listen to you because you are not my father".I hope they never do.I think they know better though.Basiclly what I am trying to tell you is,take it step by step and ask your boyfriend what your limits are when it comes to disapling them.I hope this helped a little.

[Shana]

Geez, 3 kids.. dam, I got 3 cats and they are huge to deal with.

 

I think your too young and have too much going for you to take on someone elses kids and the mother of those kids.

 

Sorry, Im with your Dad, he knows best here.