Should I ever tell my son?

[Big Aus]

I've known for his all life that he's not biologically mine, and it has never affected the way I feel towards him. If anything it has made me more protective.

I thought it strange at the time. My wife was perpetually in a foul mood, and we were never intimate, except for one time out of the blue, and even then the timing didn't match.

He looked nothing like me, or my family. Many, many years later, I had this confirmed with a Paternity test.

 

I have loved him from the moment I held him in my arms, and that has never stopped. If anything I felt guilty over my suspicions and loved him even harder. His mother is psychotic and unstable, and I have always been scared she would blurt something out.

My family is tall, I'm 6'3", and all my kids are above average, except for him. He is the smallest in our entire family, and this has always been an issue for him. (And has always made me feel protective)

 

He is now in his early 20's, and his mother is long gone. I never discussed this with her, and in fact I pray she never actually realised, or that it is one of many pieces of truth long since lost in her deluded mind.

 

His younger brother has now hit adulthood. He is tall, tallest of my kids, and much taller than my elder son. Plus he looks a lot like me.

 

This has recently become a topic of conversation amongst my kids. I'm worried that he will suspect.

 

So my question is whether I tell him, and try to control the conversation?

Or simply leave it?

 

If I'm being honest, then yes, I'm scared he might want to track down his biological father.

Since I don't know, that would involve asking his mother, and god know what lies she would come out with.

 

Mostly, in all honesty, I just want to save him from any hurt.

[JFReyes]

I'd wait until he asked me directly and then tell him the truth; it's the right thing to do. Good luck.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think I'd probably wait. He may not want YOU to be hurt so he may do it on the sly (Ancentry DNA, etc.).

[Mysterio]

Take a trip together. On you. Tell him when you get home. Say you want him to know the truth. You control the naritive. I think if your honest with him. In time he will understand. I found out I had a half brother when I was 14. It did not change anything for me.

 

I don't like secrets like this. It bothers you. So tell him in a loving way, then you have to tell the other kids afterwards.

[Soloman3]

Flip the scenario.. would you want to know?

 

Also, he can easily find out by himself by taking a DNA test. (Ancestry or 23&me) Would you rather he find out that way or from you?

[MetallicHue]

On the other end I’d want to know. I’m not sure of the best way to deliver the news but I would tell him.

[The Outlaw]

If you want to save him from any hurt, don't tell him anything. If it were me, the truth is always better but somethings such as that would be better left unsaid.

[RecentChange]

Well honestly, I think it's a shame the truth been withheld for this long, but it is what it is.

 

My husband did not know that "his dad" was not his dad until he was 16.

 

He loved his dad - the father that raised him, and his dad loved him back. The fact that they are not biologically related never affected their love for each other.

 

But being lied to, not having the real truth about who HE is, etc really hurt him.

 

It seemed like the info was withheld not so much to protect him, but because it was the easiest path for the adults involved.

 

And of course his biological dad has since come sniffing around a few times - usually when he needs something. He even had the audacity to ask us to put him up because he needed a place to live.

 

So I don't know - I don't think knowing the truth will change the way you two feel about each other. But he will probably feel betrayed for not being told something pretty vital about himself.

 

And with all the dissimilarities - he may have had a guy feeling all this time.

 

My husband was blind sided because his step dad and him actually look much alike. Strangers would comment on it - so imagine his surprise to learn that they weren't biologically related.

[basil67]

I think he has a right to know.

[Beendaredonedat]

My suggestion is to just wait. If he asks then you can tell him.

 

If none of his other siblings know the truth nor do any of the extended family then how would he even ever find out? For all he knows you're his loving father (which you are) and the truth may never come to light. What he looks like and what his stature is usually isn't a precursor to ask "are you my real father?"

 

Did you destroy the paternity test you had done?

 

You deserve kudos for your wonderful devotion to him from birth. You are his dad.

[MJJean]

He's an adult and has the right to know the truth.

[preraph]

I would wait until he is an adult to tell him. Teens don't handle this stuff well. Get him out of high school at least.

[RecentChange]

He's in his early 20's, he is an adult and has a right to know.

 

What if he has a medical issue .. going to tell him then when he is already streased?

 

There is no right time to tell something like this, but there are wrong times.

 

You say mom is long gone, I assumed dead, but then you say she will tell lies... So just astranged?

 

That sounds familiar as well.... My mother in law told tons of lies, said it was different men, even put a third party on the birth certificate, but DNA doesn't lie.

[Tamfana]

I say tell him now. Yourself.

 

Many people are discovering that their fathers aren’t their biological fathers because of the popular DNA tests you can buy now. That’s how I discovered just a couple of months ago that my dad wasn’t my bio-dad. (We are called NPE’s, not parent expected. Now there are even support groups for NPE’s.)

 

My father has died. Well, both of my fathers have died. I would love to have met my biological dad. Judging from what I’ve heard about him and what I know of his kids, he was a good and kind man. But nothing ever will diminish my love for my real dad, the man who raised me. Nothing. Ever. I just feel sad and angry that I was lied to and that my dad was lied to.

 

With DNA tests so popular now, he’s probably going to find out on his own and I really think it would be better that you tell him.

 

That’s what I would have wanted, about 50 years ago. Being lied to about your identity is painful.

[Beendaredonedat]

He may have a "right" to know but unless he himself is asking, why does he "need" to know and likely be hurt and alienated thinking that his whole life has been a lie.

 

If there is zero chance of him finding out from another relative, then telling him on the ODD chance that he may need his bio father's kidney or something isn't, IMO worth it. He's no where to be found anyway so there is that as well.

[Tamfana]

But being lied to, not having the real truth about who HE is, etc really hurt him.

 

It seemed like the info was withheld not so much to protect him, but because it was the easiest path for the adults involved.

 

Exactly right.

[Beendaredonedat]

Many people are discovering that their fathers aren’t their biological fathers because of the popular DNA tests you can buy now. That’s how I discovered just a couple of months ago that my dad wasn’t my bio-dad. (We are called NPE’s, not parent expected. Now there are even support groups for NPE’s.)

Can I ask what made you question that your father may not be your bio father? what was your reason for getting a DNA test done and using your dad's sample against your own?

[Tamfana]

Can I ask what made you question that your father may not be your bio father? what was your reason for getting a DNA test done and using your dad's sample against your own?

 

My daughter and son in law had it done for fun. No one in my father's line appeared in my daughter's results, but other people from another family showed up in spades. That's how we discovered it. I had never questioned whether my dad was my bio-dad.

Edited August 22, 2019 by Tamfana

[major_merrick]

OP - tell nobody. Take the secret to your grave. You'll do a lot more harm than good by letting it out at this point.

[RecentChange]

Can I ask what made you question that your father may not be your bio father? what was your reason for getting a DNA test done and using your dad's sample against your own?

 

Many people are using services like ancestory.com to learn about their heritage.

 

For example my family is quite mixed, we have heard stories about being this and that nationality in our back ground, but no real definitives.

 

So my sister (bio half sister) like many people have, submitted her DNA as part of their comprehensive package.

 

She found out about her heritage, got a fairly complete family tree and even found out about half siblings she never knew about.

 

It's through these ancestor research sites that many people are finding out that there father's aren't really their fathers. Or they have relatives that they never knew existed.

 

So it's not really a case of taking a test to see if your parents are really your parents. It's collateral damage from doing heritage research.

 

Also - if anyone in the family of the bio father does an ancestry test - they may discover that they have a brother....and contact him.

 

It's happening more and more - that's why the odds of him finding out that his dad is not is bio dad because of these services is a real possibility.

[Tamfana]

Did you tell him the truth?

[Leigh 87]

Screw it. Don't bother. He'll probably never talk to you again. Do you feel telling the truth is worth risking ever having contact with your son ever again ?!?

 

Sometimes being honest only results in pain and heartache. And all for what ?!? So he can leave you, the man who truly loves him, to go track down a man who was a sperm donor to him ?

 

I just don't see how being honest is going to lead to anything but heartache and pain for the pair of you. What good would come from it ?

[healing light]

I would definitely tell him, especially since he seems to be hung up on his appearance versus his siblings. He's an adult who has a right to know his family medical history.

 

I would tell him now because then you can frame it well and give him the relevant context--that you have always loved him as if he was your biological son. You can explain that you wanted to wait until he was through his developmental years before revealing it to him because adolescence is already confusing enough without this added knowledge/you didn't want him to feel like he didn't belong as a loved and valued unit of your family, blah blah blah.

 

This secret will only feel like more of a burden over time; he will likely eventually find it out and feel betrayed if anyone knew and withheld that information from him, only adding layers of complexity to the situation and potentially more pain to process.

 

So, yes, I encourage you to tell him now.

[MsJayne]

We had a huge lie like this in our family, and the damage was far reaching and still is. It's hurtful, and distressing, but not as hurtful and distressing as being unwittingly forced to live a great big lie. I suspected my mothers disgusting secret from the age of about 14, and later on I realised that it was the cause of all the problems in our family. My father is dead now, and so is the sister who was a product of our mother's grotty affair, and I cannot tell you how it irks me that they're both gone, with no chance now for the truth to be told out loud, while the cow who hurt us all so much with her lies and deceit is still stealing oxygen at 87 years old.

[Big Aus]

He's not hung up.

 

I honestly have no idea who his biological is.

 

He still sees his mum occasionally. She's only long-gone in the sense that she walked out on us years ago. She is delusional to the point of believing her own lies. If we had to ask her to identify the father, God only knows what psychotic crap she's going to come out with. Or what bizarre allegations she'll make against me to justify it.

 

I think things like "right to know" are throwaway lines to avoid making hard choices.

 

Relationships are never perfect. I don't want him thinking that anything, ever, was "because he's not really my son".

I'm no saint, but I can honestly say it has never been a factor.