"Mourning"

[Dandelioness]

I have a 2 year old daughter whom I've been able to develop a strong attachment with. She's a wonderful little girl and I really enjoy watching her personality grow.

 

When I was in my third trimester with my (now) 3 month old, I started to feel a bit worried that the new baby would alter our relationship for the negative. I was assured this was normal and temporary.

 

Since my beautiful baby has been born, there's been an obvious adjustment. My toddler loves her sister. She hugs and kisses her, helps out, and tells me she "likes" her. I always imagined her to be such a great big sister, judging by her personality type and ability to be liked by so many people.

 

Anyway, my sweet little one has not always been so kind to her baby sister. We now have to monitor them closely because she has slapped her, scratched her face, and stepped on her head. She tells me she wants her to stay home (with the dog) when getting ready for outtings, and doesn't like sharing me with her. She's also been exhibiting a lot of attention-seeking behaviours (nothing serious).

 

I understand she's 2 and adjusting to having a new sister. I understand she's struggling with not being our "one and only". I get the mixed feelings and emotions. My partner and I are working through it with her.

 

We plan outtings as a family. We have "dates" with each of our girls so they can have undivided attention from us. We use empathy and coregulate. We label strong feelings and offer a lot of affection to them both. We bedshare. I tandem-breastfeed. We're both very involved parents who have the ability to take leaves from work for an extended period of time.

 

Anyway, I love my children and we are trying to make this work. At night time, when they're both asleep, I sometimes feel like I'm mourning the loss of that bond I had with my toddler. I love my baby. It was a planned pregnancy and a gift to my children. It's just different. I have no regrets about having any of my kids.. but again, it's different.

 

What I worried about during my third trimester is playing itself out. I can't give my baby the same attention my toddler had as a baby.. and I no longer can give my toddler the level of attention she used to get. It's life, I know.

 

Just to be clear, my toddler always had a good balance between her parents and granparents. We've engaged her with other people (cousins, kids at the public library, family drop-ins, etc). She's been a well-rounded kid.

 

Can anyone relate?

[elaine567]

Gorillas have a baby every 4 years approximately.

She starts weaning her baby at 3 but it gets her undivided attention till the new one comes along when it is then 4yo.

I feel that perhaps we as humans are practising a bit of conveyor belt parenting, forcing young children who still need the closeness of a mother to accept younger siblings far earlier than they are comfortable with.

Not sure how that helps you today but maybe something to think about for the future....

[Dandelioness]

I'm in my mid 40s and have 3 children. There won't be any more children in the future.

[anika99]

It gets better. I had my kids almost 5 years apart. Since my son was older he never hurt the baby but he did start acting out by becoming needy and throwing temper tantrums.

 

When he grew up and had his own children they were all born within 2 years of each other. The first was a boy and did he ever become difficult when his sister was born 2 years later. He was so mean to her and like you, they could not ever take their eyes off of him when he was around her. This continued for several years. When the third child was born he had no reaction to that baby, but he still had it out for the 2nd kid, the one who had dethroned him.

 

Once he got to be about 5 is when it started to get better. Now all the kids are in school and he is the protective big brother and he and the 2nd child have a close relationship. So it gets better but it's really hard in the toddler years. One thing I used to do when I had my 2nd was get my sons' father or my mother to take care of the baby for a few hours so I could do something with my oldest. Just the two of us would go to the park, maybe get a treat. I couldn't do it often, maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks, but I just wanted to show him that he was still special and important to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

It was a planned pregnancy and a gift to my children.

 

If you mean you had the second child so the first would have a sister, you basically guaranteed this scenario would happen. "Sibling rivalry" is a term in the popular vernacular for a reason and each child goes through it, to a greater or lesser extent.

 

Those good news is, saying "we're like sisters" takes on a much more positive meaning down the road. Just have to survive the first couple years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[major_merrick]

I can kind of relate. I'm in my third trimester with twins, and I had my first baby last September. My boys and my girl will be very close in age. I think that's a good thing. Since my twins will take more of my attention, there will be a bit less time for my daughter. And less time for my husband and my girlfriends. It is all a big balancing act.

 

I think it is good that you had your children close together. When your 2 year old gets older, she won't remember a time without her sibling. We basically don't remember much before age 3 or 4. My sister came into the world when I was 9. With my parents unwilling to care for her, I ended up being more like a mother than a sister. That awkwardness has followed us into adulthood.

 

What you're going through is natural, but the spacing of your kids is about right. Just relax a bit.

[Lotsgoingon]

Over time you don't need to give them the same amount of individual attention as you gave the toddler ... Over time, with a little luck, they will have a relationship with each other ... and that's fine and as rich as the individual attention that you're worried will be missing.

 

It's fine to admit that two children is A LOT different than one child ... Literally the work of parenting increases by about three to five times ...with the addition of one more child. Yes, there will be running around and chaos, but that's fine ... people survive and thrive on the energy of a busy family struggling with chaos.

[Miss Clavel]

i am the second child. my older sister has told me many mean things over the years.

 

such as: "my life was perfect until you came along" and "i've hated you since you were born".

 

she did scream at me. she did hit me.(until our teens when i punched her back) when our mom would send me somewhere with her she made me walk behind her. if we were sent to a movie or a show she made me sit behind her in another row.

 

we had two younger sisters but she never seemed to react to them the same way.

 

all she ever did towards our mom, for years, was to act like she owned her. like they were married. she'd let on that she knew things about our mom that we didn't. things about her feelings, fears or finances.

 

in our mom's old age i ended up living with her with my daughter and it sent my older sister over the edge emotionally. she screamed at me for weeks not to believe our mother wanted me there.

 

sorry. just sayin, sometimes it doesn't go away.

 

you'll have to keep watching.