Dealing with sexuality

[Whatsname]

I have another thread about my wife on here but don't really want the two confused on one thread, her problems are being dealt with but this issue is beginning to add to the others.

 

My 13 yr old daughter is beginning to have feelings for others, she has always been caring of other children and it has always been mentioned how compassionate she is and how she puts others first.

 

Now she is beginning to struggle with boyfriends and girlfriends and her own sexuality, she thinks she may be bisexual or lesbian and this is causing some angst and problems.

 

It all started off with the "will you go out with me" phase when they never actually saw each other outside of school (kinda cute stage if you remember it) meeting up at lunch times and walking part way home together but never actually going on a date anywhere, this was for a bout 8 months with a boy she's known for a while.

 

Recently sh'e broken up with him and has been exchanging flirty media messages with a girl at school who is openly gay, and was very close friends with another openly gay girl who unfortunately has moved away (though they are still in touch).

 

When she came to me about this she was a little nervous, big butch dad and everything, but in all honesty I have no truck at all with anyone's sexuality as far as I'm concerned we can't choose who we fall in love with and we can't choose our sexual orientation (if you think otherwise DON'T bother replying to this message - seriously DON'T) and I want my kids to be happy with whatever life choices they make be it sexual orientation, career, living location or anything really.

 

I talked her through it from my point of view, its really not any of my, or anyone else's, business who she loves or how she loves its her decision and she has to live with that and how it affects her - however, I did counsel that not everyone would have the same opinion nor be as understanding as me and her mum, even worse some people will use it against her or be overtly and openly aggressive and dismissive of her and her choices.

 

Unfortunately the **** has hit the fan and she confided in someone she thought she could trust who has blown everything wide open, causing her immense heart ache and problems within the school.

 

This has lead to her becoming aggressive herself and withdrawn, mainly towards me.

 

Last night she attacked her older brother with a vacuum pipe, cutting his head and bruising his face and she then turned on me. Whilst I am no giant at five foot six I am 17 stone and quite capable of looking after myself but she was wild, threatening violence and actually attacking me. It took all my resolve not to loose my temper up to a point, unfortunately I couldn't take it and eventually had to physically restrain her before she attacked anyone else.

 

She says that she wants to leave the home and go into care, my cousin did this age 15 in the 80's the abuse she suffered lead to alcoholism, mental health problem and a premature death at 40, this is not what I want for my daughter I looked after her from birth, solely, for the first 3 months of her life as her mother was too ill to take care of her, I never had that bond with the others.

 

She just won't talk to me about things, she says I don't understand and can't help - I tell her that if she won't inform me of whats happening then how can I begin to get an understanding of the issues she faces and therefore help her with things.

 

As I write this tears are falling down my face and my heart is breaking, I don't want my baby girl to leave I want to help and protect her, show her how to deal with things, be strong, not let others opinions and actions affect the outcome of her decisions, show her I love her and teach her to rise above others petty thoughts and actions and to ultimately be happy.

 

How do I reach out to her??????

[Mr. Lucky]

This has lead to her becoming aggressive herself and withdrawn, mainly towards me.

 

Last night she attacked her older brother with a vacuum pipe, cutting his head and bruising his face and she then turned on me. Whilst I am no giant at five foot six I am 17 stone and quite capable of looking after myself but she was wild, threatening violence and actually attacking me. It took all my resolve not to loose my temper up to a point, unfortunately I couldn't take it and eventually had to physically restrain her before she attacked anyone else.

 

I'm not sure this is as directly connected to her sexuality as you're making it. Kids, whether straight or gay, can be subject to other issues and disorders ranging from depression to anxiety and beyond.

 

I'm not sure what "go into care" means, other than it doesn't sound like something I'd surrender my 13-yr old daughter to, including allowing her to make that decision. Isn't there some way she can access counseling while still living at home?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

IMO, one incidence of mild aggression is not a pattern. To me this sounds like it is starting to be a pattern and even after someone was injured the aggression continued. Cause for real concern.

 

If it was my daughter, I'd take her to a therapist/psychiatrist who genuinely specializes in this sort of thing. I would start by calling her pediatrician/primary doctor's office and asking for a referral.

[Gaeta]

So, is she the victim of bullying at school because her secret is out? Your daughter needs to speak to someone neutral like a therapist, is there one available at school? Wanting to leave the home is simply her way to express she wants her bad feelings to stop but like you said running away isn't a solution.

[vla1120]

First, I would call her school and speak to a school counselor (not sure of their title in your part of the world.) Hopefully, the school will have some idea of how to help her navigate this situation and give her a safe harbor she can turn to when she is in school and problems arise. Our school has an after-school LGBQT support group for any kids who may be questioning, or just want to support a friend. Does your daughter's school have something like this, perhaps (or is there one somewhere else in your community?)

 

Second, I would seek professional help for her. She needs to learn how to best deal with these feelings and uncertainties, and how to respond to the narrow-mindedness she will experience (and clearly has already experienced.)

 

All you and your wife can do is to continually prove to her that she has your unconditional love and acceptance (and I am glad to know she has supportive parents like you. So many do not, unfortunately.)

[major_merrick]

She's 13. A lot of this is normal. Nobody really knows who they are at 13. I was having sex at that age, and still didn't know who I was or what I was doing. At that stage, you're halfway between being a child and being a woman and it is incredibly confusing. Not to mention that middle school tends to be a cruel place.

 

The violence is related to being bullied. She can't figure out how to act against the people who cause her pain, so she takes it out at home. It has very little to do with you, actually. You could try therapy, but I would choose a different route. Enable her to fight back and show how to engage her enemies! Teach her that anger is fine, but that it must be used carefully.

 

The biggest concern to me would be that this girl seems too open about everything. Why is she telling her friends about her sexuality, let alone telling you? I would NEVER have spoken with either of my parents about that kind of thing. Your daughter should take this as a lesson that many things in life are better left unshared, and that the majority of people in the world are untrustworthy.

[Whatsname]

She's 13. A lot of this is normal. Nobody really knows who they are at 13. I was having sex at that age, and still didn't know who I was or what I was doing. At that stage, you're halfway between being a child and being a woman and it is incredibly confusing. Not to mention that middle school tends to be a cruel place.

 

The violence is related to being bullied. She can't figure out how to act against the people who cause her pain, so she takes it out at home. It has very little to do with you, actually. You could try therapy, but I would choose a different route. Enable her to fight back and show how to engage her enemies! Teach her that anger is fine, but that it must be used carefully.

 

The biggest concern to me would be that this girl seems too open about everything. Why is she telling her friends about her sexuality, let alone telling you? I would NEVER have spoken with either of my parents about that kind of thing. Your daughter should take this as a lesson that many things in life are better left unshared, and that the majority of people in the world are untrustworthy.

 

Perhaps I should show her this, thank you.

 

When we spoke about this earlier my counsel was to keep it to herself - people pretend to be many things when they want to, friends even if it suits them, but arm them with information about yourself and you ready them for attack as well as comfort.

 

She made a mistake telling this girl, she knows this now, I spoke with her calmly yesterday and reiterated my point (and yours) that whatever she is, its is her business and no-one else's not even me and her mothers.

 

All we can do is provide love and support, understanding may not always be there, but love and acceptance no matter what the issue, is key.

 

It's hard seeing her like this but I told her she needs to wait a while, until she is away from the school environment and into an adult world where she can more easily pick and choose friendships and learn to deal with things in an adult way, she will always come up against people who are prejudiced against her beliefs and feelings (which I find completely wrong) but hopefully she will be better equipped to deal with them and have a network of like minded people to support and love her for who she is.

 

As far a bullying goes she'e pretty tough on the physical side, she rugby tackles me to the floor whenever she wants too, but the emotional side will take a bit of encouragement and tutoring on how to deal with it, that I need to learn to get across.

[major_merrick]

She might not even have to wait until she's out of a school environment - even just a couple of years will do. I met my husband when we were kids, and we dated as teenagers. Probably would have married a lot sooner if I hadn't been confused and if I hadn't been so rough on him.

 

The big thing your daughter is going to learn in the coming years is how to figure out who other people are. To survive, I divide the world into four categories - friends, acquaintances, enemies, and unknowns. Friends are loyal and deserve loyalty. Acquaintances don't overtly mean harm, but are not automatically trusted. Enemies deserve fierce opposition, deception, and scorn. The rest of the world, the unknown ones, are to be evaluated carefully and placed into one of the other three categories. Teach your daughter this. Just because you have friendly conversations with someone doesn't make them a friend, merely an acquaintance until they are proven trustworthy. Classmates at school are mostly acquaintances, not friends....and can easily prove to be enemies.

 

To overcome the emotions of being bullied, your daughter needs to be a winner, not a victim. The most satisfying resolution to conflict is to exact a price upon the enemy. To teach her to deal with her enemies, she may need to be physical at times, but also she needs to be deceptive - being smart is more important! It doesn't sound like she has the necessary discernment yet. Physicality without deception and discernment simply means trouble with authority (because authority hates physicality). Physicality totally repressed by authority, such as in a school situation, means trouble at home. If your daughter is acting out, she lacks the proper outlet for her emotions, and she lacks the discernment to figure out the proper time/place/method for counterattack.

 

I also suspect that if your daughter has aggressive tendencies, she will have issues in relationships later on until she figures out how to relate to people who AREN'T a threat. I naturally sought out contact with other girls because I was aggressive/initiative and they were receptive. At 13-14 (and really until my 20's) I could sexually dominate other girls my own age. I had trouble being soft enough to have real relationships. My husband was more difficult, and we fought a lot. I had to hit 30 before I could tone down our mutual combat enough to marry him. If your daughter ends up in a serious relationship, try to help her understand that she's going to do some changing inside herself.

Edited May 10, 2019 by major_merrick

[Miss Clavel]

she's too young to be having sex, with either gender.

 

we all must keep our hands to ourselves. period.

 

i have a completed transgender god son my oldest daughters bff since 6th grade. they met in ballet and they were both very good dancers, always the lead.

 

"she" went through school as a girl until 10th grade.

 

"she" even had a long term sexual relationship with my nephew. a first for them both. and after "she" transitioned..well..it's taken years for him to get over and his mother will never get over it. it's caused such a riff in our family because i've always backed "him". his mother died at 37 and his father's a piece of ****. my sister says her son got bullied that the kids say my nephew made "her" turn away from men. well they say it way more rough and graphic but you get my drift.

 

he's in his twenties now and he's announced he's getting engaged and plans to marry his live in love.

 

i've actually had people ask me if his partner is a lesbian. wtf? tmi.

 

he's happy. they're happy.

 

it was hell tho, ain't gonna lie.

 

so, your daughter better lean to fight with her words if she's gonna be in a minority. and make no mistake. to a lot of people, it's not accepted. times change and all that but the bottom line is...no one needs to know who's doing what to whom, how they identify or where they put it. not their business. tmi.

 

advise her not to overshare, privacy is important.

Edited May 28, 2019 by Miss Clavel