No rules for new teen

[Brendarella]

I'm living with a man for 7years. We both have adult children out living on their own. He also has a son who just entered highschool, 14years old.

Throughout the years he has never really allowed me to get too close to his son. For that reason, I don't interfere, but I now find it hard to keep quiet.

The boy is 14 now, has never had to do a chore, or made his own sandwich.

Last week he brought over his "girlfriend", did not even introduce her, locked himself in his bedroom with her for several hours. Nobody said a thing about it.

Since then, it's happened three or four more times. I've never even seen the girl. Yesterday I finally brought this situation up to his dad. I let him know how wrong I felt it was and asked him to put a stop to it. His response was, "don't worry about it. He's not your kid!" It's obvious they're having sex and that bothers me. Is there another approach I should use? Should I just but out?

[Artdeco]

Since you live together, how is the general relationship between you and the kid? If it’s good overall, I wouldn’t interfere, and even though it sounds harsh, your boyfriend is right. He’s not your child. However, since you three seem to be living together under the same roof, there should be some general rules in place on how you treat each other in order to make sure that everybody is treated respectfully around the house. Including the son, of course.

 

If you feel that you haven’t really established a relationship with the kid, you should definitely work on that. Maybe ask for little favors, for him to give you a hand around the house, or ask him about his day and try to get involved a little bit more, without lecturing him.

[Wallysbears]

I wouldn't be with a man that thought it appropriate to "parent" in that way.

[anika99]

Well it sounds like staying out of matters concerning his son has always been the norm that you agreed to so that's unlikely to change now. It also sounds like your bf doesn't see any problem with his son's behavior so he's unlikely to do anything about it. So it comes down to can you accept this or not?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

His response was, "don't worry about it. He's not your kid!"

 

When he asks you to help out with the baby that could likely be a result of this behavior you can say, "not my grandkid!"

 

(He is not a good parent)

[Mr. Lucky]

When he asks you to help out with the baby that could likely be a result of this behavior you can say, "not my grandkid!"

 

Perfect!

 

Brendarella, as the minority party, you have two choices -

 

1). Stay in the relationship and mimic the three monkeys, see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing.

 

2). Walk away.

 

You don't really have any other options, so pondering how you'd interact with a teenager that doesn't want to hear it and a dad who doesn't want you to say it is a waste of time.

 

Pick one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

When he asks you to help out with the baby that could likely be a result of this behavior you can say, "not my grandkid!"

 

(He is not a good parent)

 

100% and likewise, if the teen makes a mess and he expects you to clean house and cook -- not my child. I'm staying out of it.

[Ronni_W]

, if the teen makes a mess and he expects you to clean house and cook -- not my child. I'm staying out of it.

But this is not a way to live! (How can normal, loving, compassionate people even consider it as an option?)

 

The original response, really, ought to have been along the lines of, "Not my biological child, no...but I do love him as my own, and my nearest and dearest."

 

If it's already too late for that, then it is what Mr. Lucky said. No other potential viable options.

[Brendarella]

I can not express how grateful I am for the responses to my dilemma. You all seem to confirm what I have been thinking. I do have a good relationship with the son. He has never disrespected me. It's the "parenting" by his dad that upsets me. Over time, though I hate to admit it, the lack of structure by the dad has caused me to dislike the son. Does that even make sense? I know my relationship with the dad cannot survive 7 more years. Thank you to everyone.

[Mr. Lucky]

He has never disrespected me.

 

Well, if you're the other adult in the house, and he's in his room with his girlfriend, never done a chore or made a sandwich - not sure I 100% agree with your statement, though I understand what you mean.

 

Brendarella, do you pay rent or contribute to household expenses? If so, I'd think you were entitled to a voice. And if his son is only 14, the fun is just beginning...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs._December]

His response was, "don't worry about it. He's not your kid!"

Then I'll assume you're NOT being foolish enough to cater to this kid you have no right to be concerned about and who isn't yours?

 

Like cleaning up after him, making him sandwiches, doing his laundry, cooking him dinner, etc. etc.

 

Let his ignorant father do it since it's HIS kid and all.

[Ronni_W]

, the lack of structure by the dad has caused me to dislike the son. Does that even make sense?

No, it doesn't really make sense. . Since you know the actual/true cause and target of your dislike, it's fine to just continue liking and loving your step-son, IMO.

 

In the situation of him not introducing you to his girlfriend, you simply could have stuck out your hand and said, "Hi, I'm <whatever you want to be called by her>; good to meet you."

Nothing wrong, that I can see, with helping out by being a good role-model, whether or not they are our biological children.

 

I myself have had to 'nudge' my two step-sons along, since their teens, as far as better social skills, how to properly wash a skillet, and that better impulse/anger control was needed.

To be fair, on the other side, their father has never adopted that kind of attitude against me. Whether that's because he's always known that, even when I was doing it imperfectly,

I've always loved his 'boys' and wanted only the best for them. And, they know that, too; so they take my sometimes clumsy-handed attempts in stride, and with love.

[Rockdad]

If this is the way dad has always raised his son I wouldn't guess dad is ever going to change his parenting method at this point. I believe you will pull your hair out trying to get him to change. It's not your place to disapline the son even if you were married it's dads responsibility. At least the son does not show you disrespect that's large in itself. Your going to have to determine if you can live happily like this. By the way my wife is step mom and we raised 3 boys.

[snflwrgrl]

That would bother me too. I commend you for having a sense of right and wrong and for trying to honor that. Have you and your boyfriend considered any type of counseling, either between the two of you or as a family? I know when I have been in situations I feel are wrong, I have spoken to my pastor and I’ve also seen a Christian counselor. Both were wise and knowledgeable and offered good, sound advice. Do you have anyone like that in your life that you can talk to? You are not alone! I will be praying for you, for God‘s direction and for peace with your decision..

[whichwayisup]

don't worry about it. He's not your kid!

 

You: Well, I know he's not my kid but I AM his step parent and living in the same house. Don't tell me don't worry about it. I'm concerned and I care, I think we can compromise and talk about this instead of shutting me down.

 

 

Honestly, it sounds like the two of you don't communicate (or he doesn't) in a healthy way. So what if he's not your child, you have been in his life for 7 years and there's nothing wrong with more caring and loving adults. It takes a village, the more parents keeping an eye on a kid, especially a young boy teen, the better!