this is real life not a fairy tale...response to "kids of divorce"

[almostthere]

I didnt want this to get hidden at the end of that topic. i think i speak for many single moms maybe single dads on this.

 

This post is very distrubing to me. i actually found myself offended...which is next to impossible to do to me. let me ask this....for all of you who say the kids will be screwed up because the parents are divorced are you married with kids and still living with their dad? because no one and id bet on it would say that unless their life and significant other was good. until you experience what we divorced people go through and the guilt i wake up with everyday because i left my ex and i have the kids and they only see him once a week...dont tell me if it will mess them up. and for those that believe parents should stay together for the kids and deal with....you werent mentually abused were you? you werent on antidepressants just to live at home were you? you didnt have a full bottle of milk whipped at you because he / she didnt "feel" like feeding the child did you? i had 2 nervous breakdowns because of him. and i stayed and stayed for 8 years trying to make it work. but sometimes it just cant. and i am a child from divorced parents and if anyhting it has shown me that some times things dont work out and there is life afterwards. things can get better. my parents argued so bad i would hide and cry in my closet so for those of you saying youd rather have your parents hate each other and stay together....how selfish of you. make 2 people you love and care about stay together and be so miserable. thats no way to live. and i truly believe it is sad how many people are divorced and the children that need to alter their lives but i am a dam good mom and my kids say i am their best friend. every day. and they are happy. isnt that what its about when your a parent. making your children happy and giving them the best you can. i did that for my kids. i took them out of an unhappy home and provided them a happy comfortable life now. and i wouldnt go back no matter what anyone says. so before anyone says anything about running this country into the ground...wait. wait til your husband beats, abuses, cheats or leaves. then come on here and crying and feeling like you dont have a soul becuase you made his dad leave and listen to everyone say to you......you are going to mess the kids up. if you dont think that hasnt crossed any single moms mind on here....think again. even as bad as it was from me i feel awful everyday. but dont judge me til you've walked a mile in my shoes.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by almostthere

This post is very distrubing to me. i actually found myself offended...

 

I posted on that thread and was shocked by some of the one sided answers myself.. People without the ability to look at both sides objectively.

 

If I am correct though ( I didn't go back and reread the thread ) some evidence in forms of studies was presented that backed up the idea that Kids of divorce tend to have more problems.

 

There are 2 sides to every coin and I don't think there is a right answer to this as each case is different.

[tiki]

Don't let it get to you. Simply allow no room for failure.

 

You can make your child succeed! You WILL succeed.

[tiki]

P.S. This is a great example of how your posts and opinions can be portrayed. There is a real human being behind the computer screen reading your words on the other end. What you say out of anger, carelessness - ANYTHING - can be really hurtful to someone else. Remember that!

[New_Wife]

I agree with the original poster.

 

In a perfect world, there would be no divorce & people would always treat each other with respect and courtesy. In an ideal world, neither partner would cheat, beat, become addicted to drugs, gambling or alcohol. No mental abuse or verbal beat-downs would occur.

 

The bad news is - this isn't that world. Sometimes divorce happens & it sucks, and it's hard & people hurt. The divorcing people and the kids.

 

Of course the kids would be better of in the above-mentioned ideal world. Only an idiot would disagree with that. But that's not the one we live in. We live in this one. And I can tell you beyond any shadow of a doubt that I had a better life with my single mother (even with some of the bad stuff that happened), than I would've ever had a chance of having with my abusive drug-addicted natural father. Considering that he threw me against the wall when I was an infant (precipitating Mom's filing for divorce), I may not have had a life at all.

 

But I congratulate all the folks with perfect lives & no mistakes that are in a position to judge. It must be nice.

[almostthere]

Ok now that I have calmed down....

 

Here's what is my understanding after researching this topic forever. there are children who turn out fine. as long as the parents care enough to put in the extra effort needed so the children dont have the feelings that they get through this hard time. if you are going to divorce with children involved i believe that you should buy a book on how to help your children. if you take this on as a "team" instead of each person differently then it can work. my divorce of course and my healing is not part of the team. but i talk to my kids and they open up to me. i make sure they are happy on a daily basis. i watch for sad faces and weird behavior. if we open our eyes and take the focus off of our own hurt and focus on the children things can be better. dont date a lot and if you do...dont introduce the kids to every new guy. dont get a babysitter all the time just so you can go out. these poor children are the only victims in divorce. i was mentally abused but i dont cnsider me to a be victim. i was just there for him to take it out on. i dont believe in pitty parties. but i know in my heart everything for my little family of 3 will be great. and i'd even go as far as to say that someday all the effort i have put in, all the fun times and experiences we have had together will not only be appreciated but will be repeated by both of them through their families. and when they have grown and i truly know i did the best i could do and they are still my sweeties i will be able to sleep at night and all that guilt i will feel for the next 18 years will be lifted. im not perfect...i know ive made my fair share of mistakes in life, im not rich, i drive a 03 lancer around, and if im lucky i get to buy a new $20 shirt once a month. but in the whole scheme of things if the only thing i ever accomplish in my whole life is being a great mom....then i have conquered the world.

[Merin]

Originally posted by almostthere

in the whole scheme of things if the only thing i ever accomplish in my whole life is being a great mom....then i have conquered the world.

 

I have zero doubt you're a great Mom.. Yay for your Wee Peeps

[shamen]

I must admit that I stopped reading the other thread a while back because it was too long, but...

 

As a child of divorce, I'm glad my parents got one. It was hell in the house when they were trying to work it out. Life got a lot better when I was able to move in with just my father. Night and day.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by tiki

P.S. This is a great example of how your posts and opinions can be portrayed. There is a real human being behind the computer screen reading your words on the other end. What you say out of anger, carelessness - ANYTHING - can be really hurtful to someone else. Remember that!

 

I think I'll attach this comment to all my posts so I think twice before posting. I liked someone else's idea of sending emails that were written out of frustration to yourself first.

 

Anyway, my kids are doing wonderfully since my separation. We are still a family, we are just a different kind of family where mom and dad live in separate houses. The kids have two houses, they get to go on two summer vacations, they have two parents who love them and who get along and communicate always in the kids' best interests. In the future they may even have two moms and/or two dads and some new brothers and sisters.

 

I also don't believe that divorce ruins kids. It's what happens after a divorce that will determine much of the children's future behaviors. But some things will happen regardless of their parents marital status.

[tiki]

Yeah no joke, my son has a REAL four wheeler at his daddy's house and a go-kart and power wheel four wheeler at mine. Two birthdays, 2 Christmas mornings, two Easter Bunny's.

 

That kid gets everything! There's no way he'd be that spoiled and have all that crap if we were together!

 

And the great thing is, he knows no different because we divorced at such a young age.

[ScoffLaw]

Ignorant comments about how it's always better for parents to stick together, no matter what, aren't worth your time to argue with. We all know people who are better off after a divorce...and we all know people who stay together even though they SHOULD get divorced.

 

My brother-in-law came from a seemingly "intact" home. However, his father and mother have separate bedrooms and I have NEVER in seven years of knowing them seen them speak directly to each other. They always get one of their sons to deliver the message to the other. They never visit their grandchildren together; if they happen to be at the same place at the same time, they arrived in separate cars.

 

There were no hugs in their house. My family (mom and dad divorced) always gives hugs and kisses before parting, and at first my brother-in-law was taken aback when my mother and I hugged him. But now, even HIS brother asks my mom for hugs. And these are grown men now!

 

I don't know what all else went on in their home, but my brother-in-law has told my mother a few things, and they aren't great. Let's just say that unhappy spouses don't make very good parents.

[symphony1125]

Here's my take on it, and yes I am a child from one of those so called 'divorced families'. Whoever says 'Stay together for the kids' and such obviously needs to take a good look at reality! The way that I see it is if the parents do not get along, are constantly fighting, are angered, confused, outraged, etc...staying together is only going to hurt the children more...the longer they stay together, the more the children will begin to think that this is normal, this is how a marriage is supposed to work.

 

I mean, my parents tried to stay together for 10 years, until my father realized that I didn't cry anymore when they fought, instead I kept playing as if it was 'normal' That's when they filed for divorce. If you know you can't work out your marriage, end it.