Healingme Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 QUESTION FOR PARENTS *You are divorced/separated from your child's parent. *The child lives with you *The child's parent refuses to stick with a pick up/visitation schedule *No matter who creates the schedule including a judge *No matter how often you ask if there is a schedule that works best. The other parent just does whatever they want this has caused *you to miss/drop classes *you to leave work early for no reason ( parent says they CANNOT pick up but shows up to the school unannounced with no call or text, you get to the school, kid is gone) *you to leave work late and rush to get your child from school last minute ( parent says they WILL pick the child up then says they cannot 20 minutes before school ends) * Child comes home past bedtime which is 9pm or 30 minutes before bedtime with homework not fully complete ( not every night *child is in bed different times every night which means waking up different times every morning SO PARENTS WHAT WOULD YOU DO? you pretty much cannot keep a work schedule school schedule sleep schedule nothing. how do you live like this Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Is this a shared parenting arrangement? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Healingme Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 Well, we wound up in court about about a year into us separating because he refused to cooperate. I would get concerns from teachers tell him take away a privilege from our child and he would give it right back. I would say bed time is 8:30 (8-9 year old) and he would drop him home 8:15pm or 9pm with no notice. The court case dragged for over a year and he disregarded every court order given just did whatever he wanted. We cannot agree on any arrangement even when given the schedule he asks for, ( seeing our son daily and drop him home on time) he doesn’t even stick to that Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 We cannot agree on any arrangement even when given the schedule he asks for, ( seeing our son daily and drop him home on time) he doesn’t even stick to that Healingme, I'm going to guess this selfish behavior isn't something your ex just started post separation. So I'd hope this eventuality was raised early and often during the proceedings. To a certain extent, all you can do is all you can do. You'll have to focus on stability and patience during your custody times, doing your best to offset the drama. Is your ex seeing anyone else? It took a new relationship for my ex-wife to find something more interesting than messing with me. If there's any good news, I'd think with time things will settle down incrementally. Tough situation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 You plan and schedule your life like a single parent who has full responsibility for the child. Don't rely upon him for pick up/drop offs. And if he can't get the child home on a school night by X time, then he doesn't need to see the child on a school night. What is the official (court ordered) visitation schedule? Follow that. Or at least make the child available for that - so you cannot be held in contempt. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Well, we wound up in court about about a year into us separating because he refused to cooperate. I would get concerns from teachers tell him take away a privilege from our child and he would give it right back. I would say bed time is 8:30 (8-9 year old) and he would drop him home 8:15pm or 9pm with no notice. The court case dragged for over a year and he disregarded every court order given just did whatever he wanted. We cannot agree on any arrangement even when given the schedule he asks for, ( seeing our son daily and drop him home on time) he doesn’t even stick to that Does your ex pay child support or is this a shared parenting arrangement? Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 If there is a court order, then give a copy to the school, that alone should avoid him taking the child off school grounds when it's not his time. As for him not following the parenting time. Document that, and then go back to court. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Healingme Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 We have had several visitation schedules issued he ignored them all, any arrangements I make for pick up, he will show up, take our son and that’s that! whenever he wants. He was supposed to have weekends but that wasn’t enough (even though many weekends my son has not been picked up) so he started picking up from school daily and that’s a great help minus the last minute changes and the refusal to bring him home on time which means undone homework and less sleep for me and my son Link to post Share on other sites
Author Healingme Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 The school got a copy and ignored it. Then his dad called me saying “I know people in the school so they listened to me” “And they apologized to me for the issues” he picked our son up from school yesterday after me telling our son to go home! (10 years old) so I have not seen my son or heard from him for over 12 hours Link to post Share on other sites
Author Healingme Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 He pays $70 a week and has our son on his union health coverage all other expenses fall on my ( NYC) Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 The school got a copy and ignored it. Then his dad called me saying “I know people in the school so they listened to me” “And they apologized to me for the issues” he picked our son up from school yesterday after me telling our son to go home! (10 years old) so I have not seen my son or heard from him for over 12 hours You need to be more assertive. Whatever the most current court order says, follow it to a 'tee'. And talk to the school again, the principal, his teacher and any teachers aids he is around on a daily basis. Even bring another copy of the court order. Tell them the next time they release your son to his father when it's not dictated in the court order will result in legal action. This isn't alright, and it won't stop until you put a stop to it. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 According to the current legal agreement that you guys have, is he supposed to pick up your son after school every day? Is that his parenting time? When he shows up at your house unannounced, is that his parenting time? What does the current court order say - when is his time, when is yours? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Healingme Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 We currently have no order. I dismissed my cas because the school ignored the order and I was still stuck. So I was missing work for court every 2 months and nothing helped he refused to follow every single order so I cut my losses so I wouldn’t keep missing work on top of all the confusion with my work schedule because of pick up Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 We currently have no order. I dismissed my cas because the school ignored the order and I was still stuck. So I was missing work for court every 2 months and nothing helped he refused to follow every single order so I cut my losses so I wouldn’t keep missing work on top of all the confusion with my work schedule because of pick up In my opinion - you should get one. It will be worth it. Because at this moment, without a visitation/custody agreement - you can't do anything about him showing up, picking up your son whenever he wants to and not returning him. A court mandated agreement needs to be in place and needs to be followed strictly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Healingme Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 Yes I thought so too, but after a year and a half of visitation schedules it is clear that he doesn’t care what the judge says and even the cops as I have two reports and he still continues Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 If he shows up to your house and it’s not his time tell him he can’t see him and to come back later. If he’s a half hour late returning your son and it’s past bedtime make a call and tell him to keep him for the night. Inconvenience him a bit so he can know how that feels. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 You go back to court. Keep a log. He can lose his privileges altogether for disobeying a court order. Get an attorney and if you win, he'll have to pay your attorney. Maybe that will slow him down some. Also, get the court to agree to an email only communication with you two on one of those sites set up just for this. And ignore any other, including he shows up at your house. Your attorney might even be successful getting a restraining order if he shows up when it's not pickup time. Also, you can mandate a mediary be used for picking up. I think you need an attorney, family law. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 You go back to court. Keep a log. He can lose his privileges altogether for disobeying a court order. Get an attorney and if you win, he'll have to pay your attorney. Maybe that will slow him down some. Also, get the court to agree to an email only communication with you two on one of those sites set up just for this. And ignore any other, including he shows up at your house. Your attorney might even be successful getting a restraining order if he shows up when it's not pickup time. Also, you can mandate a mediary be used for picking up. I think you need an attorney, family law. I understand the OP's semi-practical approach, at some point this becomes as much a financial issue as it is a custodial one. It's great to say "call your attorney", but that starts the meter running and the bills pile up, often with little or no effect. Healingme, I'd try a more patient approach. Focus on your end with as little contact with your ex as possible. Let some things go, tough as that may be. Do this for 6 months and see if things either fall into a more acceptable structure and/or your ex get other priorities in his life. Certainly document everything, you can go back to court down the road if needed... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Document, document, document... Save every email, record every date he was late, and keep all financial records. You never know when you will need them. I agree, if things don't improve it may well be time to go back to your lawyer... I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Your ex sounds like a nightmare! Link to post Share on other sites
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