New mom blues - issues with other parents

[major_merrick]

My daughter is now six weeks old! We've gotten past some of the initial hurdles, and overall she is a very quiet and content baby...but there's some issues. She's gone through colic lately, but I have that calmed down with some dietary changes and medicine. My big problem is the other women I live with. My husband has two other partners who are both experienced moms, and we have a housemate who has had three kids of her own. While having others around who know what to do can be nice, I'm finding it difficult because I feel like they are judging me.

 

Today, Wife #1 swoops in when my baby is crying and starts to fix the issue. Help is nice, but what I felt in that moment was jealousy and resentment. Is it that she thinks I'm incapable? It is like she has every domestic situation resolved before I have a chance at it. She cooks better than I can ever hope to, she's 24/7 "A#1 super-mom" to multiple children...and is pregnant so often that it seems like she has one every year!

On the flip side, my husband is a good dad and has made my time easier. He handles most of the late-night stuff, so my ability to rest has been greater than I expected. Still, even that kind of makes me feel like an inexperience freeloader....like I ought to just go back to work because that's what I'm good at. When I try to do work around the house, I get pushed aside because I don't do it right, or someone gets there before me. I want to do my part, but I feel like it isn't welcome.

 

Does anybody else feel like they have to compete with other parents? I realize that having multiple moms in a house is not the American norm, but what about like in the neighborhood or in your child's school? How do you handle it when other mothers seem to have more experience and constant advice, but you really want to figure it out yourself?

[MuddyFootprints]

Well, don't come across as though you've got it all figured out. You have your ideals but are lacking in experience.

 

Regardless of your wifely position in your household, you are mom#1 to one small life.

 

I'm sincerely worried about you and the lifestyle you've chosen for yourself and your little girl.

 

I almost wish you could call your mom.

[major_merrick]

Well, don't come across as though you've got it all figured out. You have your ideals but are lacking in experience.

 

Regardless of your wifely position in your household, you are mom#1 to one small life.

 

I'm sincerely worried about you and the lifestyle you've chosen for yourself and your little girl.

 

I almost wish you could call your mom.

 

 

I wish I had a mom I could call. But an addicted former stripper and former imprisoned sex offender was never a good choice of mom for me...and a terrible grandma for my daughter. I had to raise my sister because our own mother refused to feed her. I've made sure my mom doesn't even know I have a child. I wish I could count on my mother-in-law, but for all her politeness I know she takes a dim view of me because I'm not good enough.

 

I know I can't do this on my own and for the most part everybody means well...sometimes this is just too much.

[noelle303]

Well, I think pretty much every mom feels inadequate at some point by looking at and comparing herself with other moms.

 

Sometimes I feel bad that I can't participate in everything at my daughter's school and look at those moms who volunteer in a bunch of things and can feel pretty down about not being able to do all that due to work.

 

But then again, most of my mom friends from school say that they are completely envious about the way I handle being involved in things at the school and extra-curricular activites, as well as working.

 

So sometimes our own perception of us is the one most critical.

 

There's that saying about the grass always being greener on the other side. I'm sure they look at you and feel equally inadequate about things. Mom #1 could easily be stepping in so much because she feels threatened about her role in the household and feels a pressing need to reaffirm herself.

 

I don't know the nature of your relationship with your sister wives, but is it possible to sit down and have an honest conversation about all this?

 

I always feel so much better when my mom friends and I sit down with a glass of wine and talk about these things honestly, where we feel we are lacking and what we feel envious about and how we see ourselves and each other.

[snowcones]

Yes, I think most moms feel inadequate at some point. It's just that they don't have other moms living with them (let alone numerous other moms) to compete with. Usually they are the only mom and wife in their household. So yes your situation will be more intense in that way. The one saving grace I can take away from your situation is that it seems like your husband doesn't care about who's the better mom or whatever. He likes you all so this issue is a women-only thing. It seems like you're being a good mom so don't worry about it too much.

[Artdeco]

Whoa I admire you for putting up with that living arrangement. Wife number one number two number 3 etc. – Jesus this would kill me, especially with a newborn in the house that is mine. And then other mothers messing with your parenting? Absolutely unacceptable. Can you put your foot down a little bit? It’s your baby after all.

[grays]

I was a natural with the baby stuff, maybe everything up until 6 or so. But around that time until the present (kids are 9 and 15 now) started feeling inadequate in trying to keep up with school stuff, their social stuff (and actually I used to be great at that stuff, but last couple of years just haven’t had time), and extra-curriculars. There are going to be some things that come natural to you and other things that you’re gonna be so great out that the other moms get worried.

[AlexMG]

Been through it when I became a mom when I was 18,an ex boyfriend would never come over to help me out at first.Said friends come first to me than our daughter,my oldest daughter whom is 21 now.I was hurt and my parents including his parents had enough.Said he had a huge choice,man up.They saw I was struggling.I called him and promised me he would come over to help,never did.I got better at it with help with my parents and his parents.That is when he got the wake up call.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just because most moms feel inadequate, doesn't mean that others ARE actually inadequate.

[]

Edited October 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[JuneL]

I would think a poly household is prone to have jealousy issues. There’s a movie “Raise the Red Lantern“, in which the 4 wives of a rich older guy were competing like crazy in the old Chinese time.

 

Just curious: Is having multiple wives even legal where you are currently?

[major_merrick]

Whoa I admire you for putting up with that living arrangement. Wife number one number two number 3 etc. – Jesus this would kill me, especially with a newborn in the house that is mine. And then other mothers messing with your parenting? Absolutely unacceptable. Can you put your foot down a little bit? It’s your baby after all.

 

 

I’ve tried to put my foot down, but the other two moms are very much in sync about how they do things. When my husband is away, I’m feeling like I’m on the losing end since it is frequently 2-on-1. Pregnancy left me physically and emotionally weak compared to my normal self. I want to do what’s best for my daughter, so having the more experienced “voices of reason” around me all the time makes me second-guess what I’m doing even when I’m sure I’m right. The whole last year of getting married and having a baby has flipped my world upside down.

 

 

I would think a poly household is prone to have jealousy issues. There’s a movie “Raise the Red Lantern“, in which the 4 wives of a rich older guy were competing like crazy in the old Chinese time.

Just curious: Is having multiple wives even legal where you are currently?

 

 

The thing is, the poly families that I’m aware of have jealousy issues centered mostly centered around the adult partners (ie. who is someone’s favorite). My husband loves me in a different way than he loves the other two, and I’m ok with that. Regarding the law – as long as you aren’t married on legal documents to multiple people and claiming it on your tax return, there’s nothing illegal about it. Our faith rejects the idea of marriage as a government institution anyways.

 

 

 

There's that saying about the grass always being greener on the other side. I'm sure they look at you and feel equally inadequate about things. Mom #1 could easily be stepping in so much because she feels threatened about her role in the household and feels a pressing need to reaffirm herself.

 

I don't know the nature of your relationship with your sister wives, but is it possible to sit down and have an honest conversation about all this?

I’ve wondered if perhaps Wife #1 is envious of my longstanding friendship with my husband. We were very close years before they met, and even tried to have children then but it didn't work. I’m also older and I’ve had my own career and my own home, so perhaps she sees me as some kind of threat? I’ve tried to talk about it with her before, but she won’t address the issue. None of this was a significant problem until I took leave from work and started staying home…it is like I’m in her territory. Lately she has stayed away from me during the day, and when we’re going to bed at night is not an ideal time to talk about it.

[Artdeco]

I’ve tried to put my foot down, but the other two moms are very much in sync about how they do things. When my husband is away, I’m feeling like I’m on the losing end since it is frequently 2-on-1. Pregnancy left me physically and emotionally weak compared to my normal self. I want to do what’s best for my daughter, so having the more experienced “voices of reason” around me all the time makes me second-guess what I’m doing even when I’m sure I’m right.

 

 

You say (at least) one of the live-in-GFs is a mother, and that she’s pregnant “all the time”.......So does that mean that there are multiple other children in your household? And if so, are there (jealousy or whatever other) issues with those kids as well?

 

Anyway: I’d find it very difficult to live that way, especially with kids involved. There are apparently multiple “ideas”, opinions and standards in place in your household on how to raise and take care of children, which is a breeding ground for conflict, and I’d also be interested to know how you explain to your child(ren), when older and school-aged, how exactly your poly-household works, who’s in charge, who is responsible for what, etc.

 

Children will at some point have social contact with other kids, and you as a parent will have to have contact with other parents, in and outside of school (birthday parties, sleepovers, .....); I think the older your daughter gets, the more issues will develop, inside and outside of the home. Not only among you, your H, and the GFs, but also with regards to your daughter herself, as soon as she’s in contact with other kids/families/teachers, etc. I hope you’re prepared to handle that as well as you can, on top of other females in your household interfering with your parenting. I remember your other thread about raising a “multilingual” child. I believe that’ll be your smallest problem, considering.

Edited October 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[major_merrick]

You say (at least) one of the live-in-GFs is a mother, and that she’s pregnant “all the time”.......So does that mean that there are multiple other children in your household? And if so, are there (jealousy or whatever other) issues with those kids as well?

 

Anyway: I’d find it very difficult to live that way, especially with kids involved. There are apparently multiple “ideas”, opinions and standards in place in your household on how to raise and take care of children, which is a breeding ground for conflict, and I’d also be interested to know how you explain to your child(ren), when older and school-aged, how exactly your poly-household works, who’s in charge, who is responsible for what, etc.

 

Children will at some point have social contact with other kids, and you as a parent will have to have contact with other parents, in and outside of school (birthday parties, sleepovers, .....); I think the older your daughter gets, the more issues will develop, inside and outside of the home. Not only among you, your H, and the GFs, but also with regards to your daughter herself, as soon as she’s in contact with other kids/families/teachers, etc. I hope you’re prepared to handle that as well as you can, on top of other females in your household interfering with your parenting. I remember your other thread about raising a “multilingual” child. I believe that’ll be your smallest problem, considering.

 

 

Thankfully, I haven't had issues with the other children - and there are a number of them. My husband and wife #1 have been together for a few years, and they have definitely been "busy." I've had some issues this past year with fitting into the family. The kids who are old enough to talk call Wife #1 and #2 "Mom" interchangeably, but they are still figuring out who I am. As all the kids get older, I'm sure there will be issues. It isn't like we are the only poly family here, though, so there is some support and a close-knit religious community.

 

Nominally my husband is in charge. He has the ultimate say in our home. However, he doesn't exercise that final authority much (what do you do with a patriarch who doesn't act like one?) If he did, that might solve some of this. The closest thing we have to a second person in charge is actually our housemate. My husband calls her "number one." They aren't in a relationship, but they are close friends and they work together. He's taken some responsibility for her children since she is the widow of a close friend. At this point, I'm probably going to ask her to mediate between me and Wife #1 because she understands my point of view, but she's unrelated to the situation.

[NuevoYorko]

From your descriptions of your family life, especially the fact that some kid or kids call more than one woman "mom," those other women ARE your child's mothers. You bore the child, but I'm not sure how much seniority that gives you with regards to mothering her. I'm thinking this is mostly about your ability to put yourself aside and get better acceptance of the fact that you are one of many, and your individuality needs to be subsumed. I'm sure you'll get better at that as time goes on. You've undergone a monumental change of lifestyle, belief and status in just a handful of months.

[whichwayisup]

Speak your mind and be honest, tell them how it makes you feel when they do x,y,z.. Tell them that you appreciate the help but you are the baby's mother and need them to respect that and not to take over.

[major_merrick]

From your descriptions of your family life, especially the fact that some kid or kids call more than one woman "mom," those other women ARE your child's mothers. You bore the child, but I'm not sure how much seniority that gives you with regards to mothering her. I'm thinking this is mostly about your ability to put yourself aside and get better acceptance of the fact that you are one of many, and your individuality needs to be subsumed. I'm sure you'll get better at that as time goes on. You've undergone a monumental change of lifestyle, belief and status in just a handful of months.

 

 

Adapting to a collective is difficult. I've done it before when I lived in a commune, but I wasn't a mom back then. Since being a mom is something I never thought could happen, and given my body's lack of regularity this may be the only child that I have, I'm pretty possessive. Maybe overly possessive?

 

 

Things have not gone well the last week. My husband and our housemate left on a business trip, which messed things up. Before he left, my husband explicitly left ME in charge, not Wife #1. Even though we have worked side by side together on multiple tasks, she has an attitude with me and constantly reminds me of how I'm not doing things "right." At this point, it isn't about parenting at all - it is just about power and hierarchy. My existence and now my having a baby has upset what she thought was a fixed hierarchy....with me in the lowest spot.

[No_Go]

It's interesting - if I were you, I'll treat the whole situation as running small business. I.e. delegate tasks, take ownership etc as appropriate.

 

Excuse me if this is not aligned with your beliefs, but why raising a child should be one person job? As long as the child gets the best care, it's all it matters at that stage (it's not like you're teaching a newborn your value systems etc). But it's good to set precedents for the times when it will really matter - i.e. when she's older.

 

Adapting to a collective is difficult. I've done it before when I lived in a commune, but I wasn't a mom back then. Since being a mom is something I never thought could happen, and given my body's lack of regularity this may be the only child that I have, I'm pretty possessive. Maybe overly possessive?

 

 

Things have not gone well the last week. My husband and our housemate left on a business trip, which messed things up. Before he left, my husband explicitly left ME in charge, not Wife #1. Even though we have worked side by side together on multiple tasks, she has an attitude with me and constantly reminds me of how I'm not doing things "right." At this point, it isn't about parenting at all - it is just about power and hierarchy. My existence and now my having a baby has upset what she thought was a fixed hierarchy....with me in the lowest spot.

[major_merrick]

It's interesting - if I were you, I'll treat the whole situation as running small business. I.e. delegate tasks, take ownership etc as appropriate.

 

Excuse me if this is not aligned with your beliefs, but why raising a child should be one person job? As long as the child gets the best care, it's all it matters at that stage (it's not like you're teaching a newborn your value systems etc). But it's good to set precedents for the times when it will really matter - i.e. when she's older.

 

 

I'm thinking you're right. We're going to have to have things a bit more set in stone. My husband is obviously in charge, and he's set up our housemate as his second in command mostly because she's older and they work together. After that it is unclear, so we're going to have to work it out when they get back. If nothing else, things are inefficient right now.

 

 

As for raising a child with more than one person...I think it is the best idea ever. I just wish Wife #1 and I got along better. Since I've been home we have done nothing but clash. It isn't even over major stuff - just picky little details like the location of safety pins or whether I wear a bra to bed. I try to disengage and even let her have her way, but she wants to fight about it. I'm actually going back to work after Thanksgiving instead of after Christmas since my presence at home all day just isn't productive.

[No_Go]

So the easiest split of responsibilities happens if you follow the natural strengths of each member of the team (or family in your case). If wife 1 is good at home organization/cleaning - let her pick this domain. You pick another one that you’re better at, and you are both main ‘owners’ of each project. In your baby’s case - you as a mom are obviously the main ‘project owner’ but you can delegate her certain aspects- e.g. putting the baby to sleep, baths etc. Then you leave her do it with minimal interference.

 

The nitpicking I think is a symptom of something else. When people are scared to bring bigger issues, they focus on smaller ones that are in their ‘comfort zone’. In your case it’s likely adjusting to a new person in the household and it’s inevitable, just wait it out... Unless you spot something else that can be addressed sooner.

 

 

I'm thinking you're right. We're going to have to have things a bit more set in stone. My husband is obviously in charge, and he's set up our housemate as his second in command mostly because she's older and they work together. After that it is unclear, so we're going to have to work it out when they get back. If nothing else, things are inefficient right now.

 

 

As for raising a child with more than one person...I think it is the best idea ever. I just wish Wife #1 and I got along better. Since I've been home we have done nothing but clash. It isn't even over major stuff - just picky little details like the location of safety pins or whether I wear a bra to bed. I try to disengage and even let her have her way, but she wants to fight about it. I'm actually going back to work after Thanksgiving instead of after Christmas since my presence at home all day just isn't productive.

[whichwayisup]

I'm thinking you're right. We're going to have to have things a bit more set in stone. My husband is obviously in charge, and he's set up our housemate as his second in command mostly because she's older and they work together. After that it is unclear, so we're going to have to work it out when they get back. If nothing else, things are inefficient right now.

 

 

As for raising a child with more than one person...I think it is the best idea ever. I just wish Wife #1 and I got along better. Since I've been home we have done nothing but clash. It isn't even over major stuff - just picky little details like the location of safety pins or whether I wear a bra to bed. I try to disengage and even let her have her way, but she wants to fight about it. I'm actually going back to work after Thanksgiving instead of after Christmas since my presence at home all day just isn't productive.

 

Sounds like the two of you really need to be honest and have some real heart to heart conversations to work through this. She feels threatened by you and you feel intimidated and judged by her. It isn't about the picky little things, it's much deeper...You two are just using the smaller issues to hide the elephant in the room. He also has to set the tone and be involved and be fair to you all.

[preraph]

I wish I had a mom I could call. But an addicted former stripper and former imprisoned sex offender was never a good choice of mom for me...and a terrible grandma for my daughter. I had to raise my sister because our own mother refused to feed her. I've made sure my mom doesn't even know I have a child. I wish I could count on my mother-in-law, but for all her politeness I know she takes a dim view of me because I'm not good enough.

 

I know I can't do this on my own and for the most part everybody means well...sometimes this is just too much.

 

You didn't have much of a chance to learn good mothering from your own mom, and I think these other women can see this and are trying to provide you a better role model and let you learn from them. I think you should swallow your pride and learn from them. Do as they do next time if it worked! Thank them or repeat back to them what they did so they can see you heard it and saw it, like, Oh, so if you do this, it calms the baby down. Thanks, I'll try that.

 

Why on earth they are taking the housework away from you is a mystery, but maybe they just sense you're overwhelmed. Anyway, there is always opportunity to beat them to loading the dishwasher or running the sweeper, and there's not really a wrong way to do it as long as you rinse the dishes and pick up any huge globs before sweeping, so maybe you are feeling a little inadequate, but they sound more helpful than not. Jump in and beat them to some of the chores, though. Glad your husband is letting you get some sleep.

 

My big sister was colicky and it was a freaking nightmare, according to my mom, and my sister had to have so much attention both from that and being a premie that she hated when mom had me, hated having to compete for attention or not always get her way. She still has some issues and seems narcissistic, so don't be surprised if your little one has some quirks too from all the necessary attention -- but being in a household where there's other kids, I believe will actually prevent your baby from turning into my sister! Hope so, anyway.

 

I'm not a parent, and the only other thing I'd add is that sometimes people in the same household (typically it's mother and father only or sometimes an in-law) may have to make a conscious effort to have rules and get on the same page about raising the child. Maybe you buy them all the same child rearing book (Maybe Dr. Phil's Family First) and then you can have discussion about it and it might or might not help. Good luck! Sounds like you're doing a good job to me. Just try to not get defensive with anyone trying to help.

[major_merrick]

Sounds like the two of you really need to be honest and have some real heart to heart conversations to work through this. She feels threatened by you and you feel intimidated and judged by her. It isn't about the picky little things, it's much deeper...You two are just using the smaller issues to hide the elephant in the room. He also has to set the tone and be involved and be fair to you all.

 

 

Wife #1 is definitely feeling threatened and is acting territorial. Before I married my husband and moved in with his family, we were good friends (although she was always a little weird). Now she hardly talks to me. When we do tasks together she glares at me and mutters stuff in Spanish that I don't understand. With everything else going on I haven't had a chance to address this. Wife #2 is much more open, and is usually affectionate with me. Her attitude is innocent and sweet and lately she's been very physical.

 

I try to beat them to some of the chores as Preraph suggests, but it hasn't worked. I just can't get myself up that early in the morning. Wife #1 must be up at 5am or some ungodly hour...it is like her energy is limitless. If I try to help with a chore like doing the dishes, she makes me uncomfortable. A couple of times she has actually pushed me aside.

 

I try to let it go. Wife #1 has some emotional issues and past trauma, and even before I joined the household I was aware that she doesn't always act logically or normally. Still, it stressed me out.

[amaysngrace]

I’d be quite happy if when I went to do the dishes someone pushed me aside and then took over. Just sayin.

 

Maybe you need to figure out how to be a team rather than viewing each other as opposition. Is there anything that you would seek wife #1’s advice for? Maybe if you feel inadequate with something you could simply express how you admire how she does something so well and then kindly ask her to teach you. That may force you to both work together and help strengthen your relationship but it will require you to go to her for help.

 

Would you be willing to do that?

[Maddieandtae]

Learn a little Spanish and the next time she mutters under her breath do the same in Spanish ?

[major_merrick]

I’d be quite happy if when I went to do the dishes someone pushed me aside and then took over. Just sayin.

 

Maybe you need to figure out how to be a team rather than viewing each other as opposition. Is there anything that you would seek wife #1’s advice for? Maybe if you feel inadequate with something you could simply express how you admire how she does something so well and then kindly ask her to teach you. That may force you to both work together and help strengthen your relationship but it will require you to go to her for help.

 

Would you be willing to do that?

 

 

A good thought...I'll be on the lookout for something that I can ask her about. It is hard on me because at this point I'm just feeling awkward and intimidated. She's tough to approach, and when she approaches me I'm never quite sure how it is going to turn out. For example, a while back she woke me up one morning after my husband had left. She sat on the bed just staring at me really really close. After several minutes she pushed me onto my back and said, "Are you gonna get up, or what?" Then she leaned in and sniffed at me (I was half expecting a kiss or something) before throwing a blanket at me and walking off. Weird.

 

I'll try to learn how to cook some of the things she likes to make. She won't touch my food half the time. And it isn't even a matter of pleasing my husband - as long as it isn't bugs he's happy with whatever it is. This thing is totally between her and me. And her kids like me, too. IDK if that helps or hurts.