Girfriends son is entitled, lazy, selfish and disrespectful and it's causing problems

[Normm]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 7 years, living with her for 4 years. She has a son who is now 15 years old. So he was about 8 when we met and up until about a year ago we got along great- to the point that he has said on occasion I am more of a father to him than his real father who he sees on a typical visitation schedule- his dad cares for him but is verbally abusive and never takes him anywhere- but that's not all that relevant.

 

In the past year it's gotten to the point that I can barely stand him. He's gotten disrespectful, obstinate, selfish, lazy, entitled, and just plain tough to be around. His mother will try to talk to him and she'll get one or two word answers, he'll walk away from her when she's trying to talk to him about an important issue such as him failing 2 classes in school. She'll ask him to do a chore such as clean his room, or take out the garbage, multiple times before he gets around to it and even then he'll do a half a$$ed job. He locks himself away in his messy room for hours at a time playing video games and listening to music.

 

About a month ago she and I were making dinner- well I was helping by grating cheese and setting the table (I'm not all that good in the kitchen but I try!). He was in his room the entire time- she said he was "studying" eventually she said "can you tell him dinner is ready?". So I knock on his door, no answer of course, I open the door, he's playing video games with his headphones on, he turns his head and I say "Dinner is ready!". I think I got a half a nod, he turns back to his computer. Even if he didn't hear me, he certainly knew I was in there. I go back to the kitchen, we sit down, waiting for him- of course he doesn't come out of his room. She goes and gets him, he sits down and I said "why don't you come to the table when asked?". He said "I didn't hear you". A fight ensures where I tell him he's got a piss poor attitude all the time, he doesn't listen and he lies- constantly. Even "if" he didn't hear me- how about taking a minute to figure out what I was telling him?

 

6 months ago I took him to a local stock car race track with a buddy of his. They kept disappearing at one point asked me for the keys to the car because they "forgot something". I have binoculars to watch the races and I watched them as they went into the car and sat there for 10 minutes inside the car. My suspicions aroused, later on that night I went through his backpack and found vaping materials. He vehomently denied they were his until mom finally read him the riot act to either come clean or face serious consequences at which time he buckled- it's been going on for quite some time. Point being he's lying, failing 2 classes, has a constant attitude, doesn't listen, doesn't do his chores until he's told and eventually yelled at multiple times, and I'm just sick of it.

 

Yesterday she told me he doesn't like it when I'm home (I moved in with them) because I'm not nice to him. She said he told her the reason he's in his room all the time now is because he's avoiding me. I told her that's BS he's been locking himself in his room for over a year it has nothing to do with me it's simply morre blame deflection on his part and she continues to buy into it. I told her it's difficult if not impossible for me to be nice to a kid that has such a bad attitude. She says I only see the bad, never the good, and I'm always critical and judgemental and hypersensitive to anything he does wrong. She wants me to "try", and even consider family therapy which I am not opposed to but I don't see the situation improving unless and until his attitude changes and that probably won't be for several more years, if ever.

 

I even offered to move out if it's so harmful and damaging to his development. She says no, that is not what she wants but to me, it's not off the table especially if things continue to deteriorate.

 

On occasion, when he pushes her too far, such as ignoring her simple requests for perhaps 6 times, or when 3 days later he still hasn't taken his pile of laundry from the basement, she goes ballistic and starts yelling at him which does seem to have a temporary effect- long enough for him to clean his room which lasts maybe a day at best. The problem is she sees his behavior as "normal teenage behavior". To the point that when we watch a movie and there's a teenager acting like a teen she says "see they're all like that".

 

 

As a sort of corollary on this entire thing- since we first met, I've been paying for half of his vacations which typically involve airfare, many of which involve scuba diving and considerable associated expenses, along with several concerts. I also pay for half of the food in the house and dinners out (I also give her $2k in "rent" towards monthly expenses). I'm winterizing my boat this past weekend, and I strained a muscle in my neck and it was a bit much to wash and wax it so I asked her what she thought about her son helping me out. She said "sure, you can pay him to help you". I thought that was weird, and odd, and wrong but I went up to him and said "I need help cleaning the boat because my neck is bothering me, mom suggested I pay you". I was hoping he'd say "I'll just help you since you pay for all this other stuff and take me to kickboxing and for haircuts etc". He simply responded "get a price on what someone will charge you to clean the boat and give me half". I guess to him that's fair. To me it was almost sacrilegious.

 

 

Thoughts?

Edited October 23, 2018 by Normm

[Gaeta]

What consequences does he get for his mischief and bad attitude? He's at an age where you need to have a good strong hand on him otherwise laziness, bad friends, will win him over.

 

 

 

Videogames should be limited, cut the wi-fi or take the controls away when he's suppose to study. Same thing when he's disrespectful toward his mother or you. Meet with the teachers, schedule a tutor, come up with a plan to have him work on his weak subjects at school. He should do his homework sitting at the kitchen table with one of you supervising not standing too far.

 

 

 

Yes at 15 a teen should be able to do his homework responsibly and without supervision but some kids need a strong hand showing them the way. I have a 14 year old teen girl at home, I correspond with each of her teacher, I check her agenda each day, I have a tutor 2 times a week come home, I have her sit at the kitchen table and I stand by her while she does her homework, I revise all of her homework with her after they are done. I ask questions about her friends, I ask school if such and such friends is a good influence or not. It's a lot yes, but if I don't do that she'll fail all of her classes. If she demonstrates laziness, I cut the wi-fi, take away the switch (videogame).

 

 

 

Listed like this it sounds harsh I know but Claire is a happy teen. She's bubbly happy all the time, being closely supervised, knowing exactly what we expect of her, knowing what her role is at 14 brings her a sense of security she did not have in her home before she was entrusted to me.

[Normm]

What consequences does he get for his mischief and bad attitude?

 

Sometimes she'll take his phone away for a few hours, once in a while she'll take his phone when he's supposed to be studying but that happens rarely. I think once or twice he was grounded- no friends for a weekend that sort of thing. But it's rather sporadic and ineffective.

 

Videogames should be limited, cut the wi-fi or take the controls away when he's suppose to study. Same thing when he's disrespectful toward his mother or you. Meet with the teachers, schedule a tutor, come up with a plan to have him work on his weak subjects at school. He should do his homework sitting at the kitchen table with one of you supervising not standing too far.

 

I appreciate the advice but I've suggested all those things and more. She feels guilty doing the punishment thing and it just doesn't happen to any degree and I doubt it ever will.

 

This is more about how I handle my anger towards this kid. I really don't give a rat's ass if he fails out of school, that's on him. It's the day to day attitude that's the real problem, and the effect it's having on the relationship between his mom and I.

[Gaeta]

I appreciate the advice but I've suggested all those things and more. She feels guilty doing the punishment thing and it just doesn't happen to any degree and I doubt it ever will.

 

This is more about how I handle my anger towards this kid. I really don't give a rat's ass if he fails out of school, that's on him. It's the day to day attitude that's the real problem, and the effect it's having on the relationship between his mom and I.

 

 

Your anger is misdirected.

 

 

 

It should be directed at the mother for being slack, soft, and opting for the path of lease resistance when it comes to her flesh and blood. Children are the result of their upbringing. Being a good parent takes efforts and consistency which she doesn't care enough to put in.

 

 

 

You not caring if he fails at school, a boy you've raised since age 8, puts you in the same category as the mother.

 

 

 

The problem with this boy is: None of you care enough. It's sad. He's nothing more than a bother for both of you so don't wonder why he has a poor attitude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Normm]

The problem with this boy is: None of you care enough. It's sad. He's nothing more than a bother for both of you so don't wonder why he has a poor attitude

 

 

Oh she cares, if anything she's overprotective and feels guilt ridden when she doles out the slightest bit of punishment for the largest transgression.

 

 

Me? Yeah, no not all that much. At best he's not much more than an irritation to me at this point and at worst may be the downfall of the relationship.

 

 

I appreciate your feedback but in both your posts you missed the point- I'm not looking to improve his schoolwork- he's not my son- it's not my issue- nor am I going to try to teach his mother how to parent. I'm just trying to find a way to deal with this situation as it currently stands and keep the conflict low going forward, if possible.

[Gaeta]

Oh she cares, if anything she's overprotective and feels guilt ridden when she doles out the slightest bit of punishment for the largest transgression.

She's not worried about his feelings, she is worried about how it makes her feel guilty. If her worry was really her son she would ignore the pain of her own guilt and give him the best supervision and education because the kind of man he will become depends on it. You need to understand what your wife does it not out of love and care for her son, it's out of care for herself.

 

 

I appreciate your feedback but in both your posts you missed the point- I'm not looking to improve his schoolwork- he's not my son- it's not my issue- nor am I going to try to teach his mother how to parent. I'm just trying to find a way to deal with this situation as it currently stands and keep the conflict low going forward, if possible.

I did not miss the point, I ignored it. I thought pointing to you why the kid is this way was more important. If you don't do anything about him things will just get worse, one day he'll grow taller than you, he'll punch you in the face, your wife will resent you for the rest of her life......you saw the movie I am sure. In short there is a big white elephant in the room and you're asking us how to ignore it. You can't.

[JuneL]

They are not married. Looks like this relationship has run its course.

 

She's not worried about his feelings, she is worried about how it makes her feel guilty. If her worry was really her son she would ignore the pain of her own guilt and give him the best supervision and education because the kind of man he will become depends on it. You need to understand what your wife does it not out of love and care for her son, it's out of care for herself.

 

 

 

I did not miss the point, I ignored it. I thought pointing to you why the kid is this way was more important. If you don't do anything about him things will just get worse, one day he'll grow taller than you, he'll punch you in the face, your wife will resent you for the rest of her life......you saw the movie I am sure. In short there is a big white elephant in the room and you're asking us how to ignore it. You can't.

[Normm]

She's not worried about his feelings, she is worried about how it makes her feel guilty.

 

 

Yes, all good points and it's rather frustrating to watch it on a daily basis but it's clear she's not going to change her behavior towards him. We're not married, although we are "legal domestic partners" as recognized by our state.

 

 

If you don't do anything about him things will just get worse

 

 

Not really sure I CAN do anything about it. When I've come down hard on him in the past I get backlash from my girlfriend. Mostly in the form of tears and then I feel guilty which means I'm putting my own needs ahead of his as you said earlier. So rather than confront, engage, and attempt to fill in the gaps of discipline I simply remove myself from the picture and ignore him for the most part. Not an effective strategy to further his growth and development but keeps me out of the line of fire for now, even if I risk a punch in the face later.

[NuevoYorko]

Teenagers can be monstrous. Mine was. I was pretty bad myself. When teens get into difficulties they need structure and reliable behavior from the adults in their lives.

 

You are not invested in parenting the kid. A step parent is still in a parental role. The fact that you've been involved for more than half his life, and living in the same house for 4 years yet still have no interest in how he is doing in school etc. makes me wonder why on earth you're living there.

 

Move out. You are not functioning as a stepfather. Kid does not need a resentful adult roommate, and you don't need an obnoxious teenaged roommate.

 

If you & his mom still want to date you can. You can do what you want to when he's at his dad's.

[Gaeta]

They are not married. Looks like this relationship has run its course.

Married or not doesn't matter to me. They have been living under the same roof for years he's a step-father, an influential male figure in this kid's life.

 

 

 

A kid is a kid no matter where she/he's from. As an adult we should welcome the opportunity to be a positive influence in a child's life.

 

 

 

I know so many people that their step-father or step-mother was the solid rock in their life and made a real difference in who they've become as adults.

[JuneL]

Married or not doesn't matter to me. They have been living under the same roof for years he's a step-father, an influential male figure in this kid's life.

A kid is a kid no matter where she/he's from. As an adult we should welcome the opportunity to be a positive influence in a child's life.

I know so many people that their step-father or step-mother was the solid rock in their life and made a real difference in who they've become as adults.

 

Yeah but the OP is not one of those step-parents. It’s clear he doesn’t want to play that role, and that’s why I think the relationship has run its course.

Edited October 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing in quote

[preraph]

These days with electronics, if you want to take something away, you need to take it ALL away or else it's the same as no consequences because if he can still use his ipad or laptop or landline, he's not hurting. I heard Dr. Phil say the same thing some years ago. She's not giving him any real consequences. Part of it certainly is teenage behavior, but just sulling up and not responding isn't right. I was a crazy teen at 16 and 17, but I never just refused to answer my mother or sit down for dinner.

 

She's being way to soft on him. She shouldn't nag him to do chores. She should tell him "X needs to be done by this time tomorrow" and if it's not, she takes all his internet devices away for at least a day or two. Not a few hours, where he can just nap and then wake up back to normal. Please.

 

Why not get her for Christmas Dr. Phil's book "Family First" if she reads. And then suggest you both read it and get on the same page. Maybe that will encourage her to read it because you're not just pointing the finger at her but at yourself as well.

[Normm]

You are not invested in parenting the kid.

 

That's true. I've "been" involved, although not to the degree mom would have liked. Lately I'm not involved at all.

 

A step parent is still in a parental role.

 

I'm not a step parent- we are not married. I am mom's live in boyfriend.

 

The fact that you've been involved for more than half his life, and living in the same house for 4 years yet still have no interest in how he is doing in school etc. makes me wonder why on earth you're living there.

 

Because I'm in a relationship with his mother?

 

Move out.

 

It may come to that. I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel on a 7 year relationship over the wants and needs of a 15 year old teenager with an attitude but it's a possibility.

 

If you & his mom still want to date you can. You can do what you want to when he's at his dad's.

 

If I move out it's over.

[Normm]

She's not giving him any real consequences.

 

 

That much is certain and not likely to change any time soon.

 

 

Why not get her for Christmas Dr. Phil's book "Family First" if she reads. And then suggest you both read it and get on the same page. Maybe that will encourage her to read it because you're not just pointing the finger at her but at yourself as well.

 

 

I'm going to look into that book right now thanks.

[Gaeta]

It may come to that. I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel on a 7 year relationship over the wants and needs of a 15 year old teenager with an attitude but it's a possibility.

 

 

Again, you would not be moving out because of the wants and needs of a 15 year old kid, you'd be moving out because of mom's unwillingness to parent him properly. Do we agree if mom was a proper parent it would be easier to go through this phase?

[Normm]

Again, you would not be moving out because of the wants and needs of a 15 year old kid, you'd be moving out because of mom's unwillingness to parent him properly. Do we agree if mom was a proper parent it would be easier to go through this phase?

 

 

No doubt. If I move out the relationship is over. Other than the problems with her son, things are great. So I end the relationship because she doesn't parent her kid properly and he's a spoiled brat with an attitude?

 

 

I might. Or I'll just wait it out and hopefully he'll be gone to college (probably community college) in 3 years.

[preraph]

That much is certain and not likely to change any time soon.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to look into that book right now thanks.

 

I googled it and I see there is also a workbook that goes with it. I bet that would come in handy and keep you both focused. Read through all the descriptions of his books in case there's one specifically for teens!

[Gaeta]

No doubt. If I move out the relationship is over. Other than the problems with her son, things are great. So I end the relationship because she doesn't parent her kid properly and he's a spoiled brat with an attitude?

 

I might. Or I'll just wait it out and hopefully he'll be gone to college (probably community college) in 3 years.

 

 

He's a spoiled brat because he was not parented properly.

 

 

 

He'll drive you crazy with something else like call each week for more money and she'll obey. Then she'll bail him out of trouble most time, etc etc etc. He'll be 30 and stealing in her purse.......ok ok I may exaggerate but all this to tell you our children don't stop being our children because they go away to college. I have a 31 year old daughter and each day I hear mom!!

 

Do you have children of your own? where is this kid's father?

[Normm]

He'll be 30 and stealing in her purse

 

Funny you should say that. I have said to her don't leave your purse around because he'll be tempted to steal from it to support his vaping and electronics projects. I never leave my wallet laying around. She thinks I'm being ridiculous.

 

Do you have children of your own?

 

I have 2 grown daughters ages 27 and 22, my eldest has 2 children of her own. They live out of the area I don't see them very often.

 

where is this kid's father?

 

His dad lives about 1/2 hour away, sees him on a typical visitation schedule but they've had rocky times recently as well, his dad is verbally abusive as he was to my girlfriend during their marriage. He doesn't take any interest in the kids academics never talks to teachers or goes to parent teacher conferences but does try to lean on him when my girlfriend says he's screwing up in school. He virtually never takes him anywhere other than dinners out here and there. It got so bad several months ago my girlfriend filed for a change in visitation because her son didn't want to see his dad- the judge said "teenagers are tough but we don't take them away from their dads because their dads yell at them" or something like that and the motion was denied. Therapy was advised but not ordered (or maybe it WAS ordered) either way they went a few times, things seemed to improve and no more therapy. But the court process did open up his father's eyes a bit and he's not nearly as nasty as he was before, as far as I know.

[Artdeco]

Has the relationship ever been good between you and him? You mentioned it was “good” in the beginning. Can you elaborate on that a little bit more?

 

And also: about what time did it start to get worse?

[Normm]

Has the relationship ever been good between you and him? You mentioned it was “good” in the beginning. Can you elaborate on that a little bit more?

 

And also: about what time did it start to get worse?

 

 

Up until a year ago we'd hang out together, we'd go places together, including family vacations where I shared my passion of scuba diving and got him certified. He told his mom that he saw me as more of a dad then his actual dad.

 

 

Then his attitude started to sour. I responded to his transgressions typically by yelling at him out of frustration because he clearly wasn't listening to his mothers weak attempts to reign him in. She said "yelling doesn't work because he just shuts down and doesn't hear you".

 

 

So after several cycles of this nonsense I decided I'd just back off and let the chips fall where they may. As I mentally count the number of times she'll politely ask him to complete some sort of mundane task which means he's gotta pull himself away from inventorying weapons in a computer game or fiddling with some electronic device for 30 seconds- which most often he refuses to do, as he sort of smirks at my girlfriends as if to say "yeah right I'll get right on that", my frustration continued to mount to the point where I recently - as in the past few months- determined the best course of action was to simply ignore the entire dysfunctional situation including him.

[basil67]

If you are at the point of ignoring him, you MUST move out. Your actions are only exacerbating an already difficult situation.

 

I feel so sad for the lad. One parent who doesn't do boundaries and the other who pretends he doesn't exist. What hope has he got?

[Normm]

I feel so sad for the lad. One parent who doesn't do boundaries and the other who pretends he doesn't exist. What hope has he got?

 

Also his dad who has nothing to do with his schoolwork, never takes him anywhere and has a history of being verbally abusive.

 

If you are at the point of ignoring him, you MUST move out. Your actions are only exacerbating an already difficult situation.

 

Yeah, except I'm not quite ready to give up what might be the best relationship I ever had for a spoiled brat teenager with an attitude. Of course his mom could always pull the plug but her words and actions to date don't indicate that's going to happen.

Edited October 23, 2018 by Normm

[Artdeco]

Up until a year ago we'd hang out together, we'd go places together, including family vacations where I shared my passion of scuba diving and got him certified. He told his mom that he saw me as more of a dad then his actual dad.

 

 

Then his attitude started to sour. I responded to his transgressions typically by yelling at him out of frustration because he clearly wasn't listening to his mothers weak attempts to reign him in. She said "yelling doesn't work because he just shuts down and doesn't hear you".

 

Well it sounds like you guys have (had) a good basis. Can you not appreciate that and go from there? I think you have much more than many stepparents: a good relationship with the kid when he was younger. 15 is a difficult age. They’re not 8 anymore, but also not fully grown. Can you say puberty?

 

I would try to focus on the better, closer relationship you used to have. Many biological parents go through the same exact thing, so don’t be surprised at his behavior. It’s normal. Many teenagers are disrespectful, irresponsible, etc. Some more, some less. And yes, yelling won’t work. Remember your own teenage years! Try to include him as much as possible. Be present. Don’t ignore him. Maybe some humor will help, too.

[basil67]

Also his dad who has nothing to do with his schoolwork, never takes him anywhere and has a history of being verbally abusive.

 

So it's not just two poor role models, but three. Do you seriously expect the kid to turn out well with this lack of support behind him?

 

Yeah, except I'm not quite ready to give up what might be the best relationship I ever had for a spoiled brat teenager with an attitude. Of course his mom could always pull the plug but her words and actions to date don't indicate that's going to happen.

 

No, she won't throw you out. She doesn't care about her own poor parenting so she's probably not going to care about your lack of parenting either. She probably also doesn't care that you call her child a brat and that you criticise her parenting.

 

I'm not going to buy into the fact that as a live in boyfriend you have no responsibility. Like it or not, it sounds like you're the closest thing he's got to a solid male role model. But instead of finding a way to connect and help him, you ignore him. Connecting with a troubled teen is not easy. I can only suggest family counselling for all of you.