Leaving Money to Your Kids

[Mr. Lucky]

For those of you entering your "golden years", are you on the same page as your spouse when it comes to estate planning?

 

I'm finding my wife is much more concerned with leaving a sizable chunk for each of our 4 kids than I am. And her approach to spending has gotten conservative to the point she really doesn't want to travel much or replace her 10-year old high-mileage vehicle.

 

Guess I look at it this way - we put each kid through college (youngest still attending) and helped pay for graduate school for two of them. Bought them cars when they started out, helped with down payments on houses, paid our share for weddings, etc. We have two wonderful grandkids and there are well-funded college accounts for each of them also. We're generous at birthdays, Christmas and special occasions. I feel we've done our part to "launch" and, for the most part (one notable exception), each child is on a good track.

 

As I wind down my career, there are things I want to do, some of them expensive. And it's tough having my spouse look over my shoulder and question how I want to spend "our" money. I kid my wife I want to leave just enough to pay for a fun wake with an open bar, a joke she doesn't think is funny.

 

Any one else have different expectations and plans than your spouse at this point in life?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Clavel]

sadly, i've lost quite a few family members these last ten years and the only problem with being in their wills is some other siblings were not in there.

 

my ex's uncle died and left him plenty but he did not leave my BIL anything. he left some to my kids and his kids but not him. which caused problems.

 

 

 

what ever you do make sure it's equal. discuss an amount with your wife and set it aside.

 

then ask her what are you going to do with all your stuff? i'm sure there is jewelry, china and collectibles, not to mention art work.

 

go from there.

[basil67]

Where I live, housing (renting and owning) is incredibly expensive and this makes giving an inheritance super important. Yes, there are more affordable regional towns, but all the work is in the cities. I know I will get a decent inheritance when my parents go and I'm already planning on bypassing some so that my kids can get a leg up. That said, my parents have been travelling and having fun. We joke with them about their SKIing (Spending Kids Inheritance) but they will still leave money for us.

 

For your situation? You and your wife are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Why not try and meet in the middle so that you have fun and she gets to help make the kids lives easier?

[Million.to.1]

It's an interesting question, and rather complicated considering all the options. Your wife and you are on totally different pages!

 

What do you and you wife's current wills look like as far as how you assets are divided?

 

One of you is likely to go before the other and usually the other spouse just inherits everything, so what the children get is ultimately decided by the the will of the one remaining parent when they pass.

 

When my grandfather passed at 98, leaving a property and money, my Dad, the last remaining son got 2/3 of his estate (1/3 to dads SIL). My dad was 73 at the time and 9 months later, he died too from an aggressive cancer.

Didn't seem fair. He really didn't have much time to enjoy it, and was retired himself and financially fine. He would have benefited from money earlier in his life.. while mortgaged and raising a family or whatever.

 

After seeing what happened with dad, My mum (sole inheritor of everything now) decided she is going to give my brother, (42) and I (39) an early inheritance rather us potentially be in our 60's getting whatever she leaves when she passes. She's kinda worked out what she needs to be ok for the next possible 30 years and wants to do lots of travel and whatnot so doubt she'd be leaving much if she made it to 100. (likely)

Awesome for us to get a bit now, as it gives us more options. Property prices are nuts and it's so much harder now than it was for the boomers to build assets - generally speaking.

 

I guess if you worked out with your wife what the costs of you both making it into your nineties with possible care costs etc, you can work out what sort of figure you will be leaving for the 4 kids... maybe think about giving them an early inheritance with the knowledge there won't be much coming when you go. You might find that's a favourable option for everyone.

 

I think you have done quite well by your kids, and have given them a good start in life with what you have covered financially.

[Gaeta]

I was brought up in a humble family. Both my parents have a grade 6 education and worked really hard all of their life to put us kids in school. They have not acquired any assets because all the money went to our education.

 

 

 

I gave all that I could to my daughter while alive. I will use my savings while I am alive and enjoy life. My assets will go to her when I pass but I will absolutely not refrain from living a good life because I want her to get more once I'm gone.

[Rockdad]

There was an article I saw once that there is a very high percentage of those that inherit money blow through it with 2 years no matter what age group they are in.

 

 

 

Like many I have seen family war break out over money and assets. The last time I saw this when my father passed I immediately removed my kids from my Will. I told them if their Step mom (who raised them) gave them even a peanut butter sandwich you all better be thankful for that. Based on past history my Ex will work the kids to get at some money is also an issue.

 

 

 

I didn't leave my wife out to hang alone, I appointed a trusted friend couple as executors should we go together and or assist her. Friends that know my ex and her character and ones my kids respect and mind as they do us. My wife and Atty also has specific instructions as well.

[alphamale]

you should enjoy your golden years but still leave a little nest egg for all your kids. you have done more than enough for them. I highly doubt any of your kids expect anything from you at this stage.

[carhill]

OP, IMO you've been wonderfully generous to your children, they're very fortunate, and now it's your time after a long and no doubt challenging career.

 

You've already left a lifetime of money to your kids and with the time to grow it every day. Far more upside than any inheritance.

 

If you have an otherwise peaceful marriage, there are other ways of handling things. My best friend did a two degrees of separation slush fund from his consulting and BOD work after retirement and it is totally off-book and for whatever he wants to do. Some has found its way to grandkids, funded business ventures for friends, even helped a few entrepreneurs with patents. He ascribes to that old Mason maxim of answering the call. His wife wants for nothing and thoroughly enjoys her homeless work and dumpster diving frugality.

 

I get the you and me joined at the knee forever and ever honey stuff, I do, but sometimes a man has to go off and be a man, even if it pisses off his wife occasionally. You get to decide that. You've certainly earned it. Best wishes for the health to enjoy it.

[BaileyB]

My parents did as you have done, they paid for some (not all) of my post secondary education, they gave me money for the down payment for my first car, and they have been quite generous in so many other ways ("Santa" still brings us gift certificates every year to get our cars washed at a local car wash - something that I consider a "luxury," and certainly appreciate.)

 

When my father passes, I will receive a large inheritance from him.

 

My father has been quite clear that he wants this money to go to his children and grandchildren (not his girlfriend, as my mother has passed away). In our most recent conversation, he told me that he has been very generous to her in paying for some of their travels, as he wanted a partner with whom he could travel in his retirement.

 

I will say, I'm glad that he has enjoyed his retirement. He has travelled more in the last few years than he has in all his other years combined. I don't begrudge him that, at all. That money is his money to use as he wishes, and I have no expectations related to the money. In fact, I had to make my peace with the fact that I may get nothing when he spent exorbitantly after my mothers death. There was also the uncertainty that he would remarry and the money could go to his new wife.

 

One thing to add, my grandfather did a lovely thing before he passed away. He gave each of the grandchildren a few thousand dollars because he "wanted to watch us enjoy the money" while he was still here to see it. He didn't understand why he should wait until after he has passed. That was how I financed my first European trip - as I had always dreamed of going to Europe but could never afford to travel while paying for school. It is a nice memory for me, that we "shared" this experience together. It's just something to consider...

 

Another thought, if your wife has difficulty spending the money, would she consider traveling "with" the children/grandchildren. This way, the money could be spent on an experience that are shared with your family. As an example, a few months before my mother passed, we travelled to Walt Disney World. My parents paid for the park admission for all of us. I just about didn't go, because I didn't really have the money to travel. But, I'm so glad that I did - those memories and pictures are now invaluable to me. I know - it may not be the holiday that you want... Again, just something to consider. It may be an easier sell for your wife...

Edited October 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[snowcones]

There are two of you and unless you're very wealthy or both of you die suddenly, most likely your estate will be depleted by long-term care costs. So. Might as well use that cash to travel and enjoy life while you still have it in you to enjoy.

[Mr. Lucky]

what ever you do make sure it's equal. discuss an amount with your wife and set it aside.

 

Will is done, it does indeed treat each child equally.

 

For your situation? You and your wife are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Why not try and meet in the middle so that you have fun and she gets to help make the kids lives easier?

 

We started out that way, but she's become a moving target as her views change. I'm mid 60's, she's 9 years younger and this has only become an issue in the last 2 years or so...

 

I guess if you worked out with your wife what the costs of you both making it into your nineties with possible care costs etc, you can work out what sort of figure you will be leaving for the 4 kids... maybe think about giving them an early inheritance with the knowledge there won't be much coming when you go. You might find that's a favourable option for everyone.

 

I think you have done quite well by your kids, and have given them a good start in life with what you have covered financially.

 

Thanks, I hope we've done well too. I have a daughter that's testing that theory.

 

We gave each child a small lump sum this year. To your point, might do that more going forward based on investment returns, etc.

 

I will absolutely not refrain from living a good life because I want her to get more once I'm gone.

 

I'm hoping for a "great" life, but agree with your comment...

 

I didn't leave my wife out to hang alone, I appointed a trusted friend couple as executors should we go together and or assist her. Friends that know my ex and her character and ones my kids respect and mind as they do us. My wife and Atty also has specific instructions as well.

 

Sounds well-planned, though it's easier when just you are making the decisions.

 

I highly doubt any of your kids expect anything from you at this stage.

 

They do not. This is more about my wife, I was hoping she's be a more enthusiastic partner in some of the adventures. For instance, I enjoy travel, would like to take it up a notch and live in other locales 3-4 months a year. She was all for it, now seems to have financial cold feet.

 

I get the you and me joined at the knee forever and ever honey stuff, I do, but sometimes a man has to go off and be a man, even if it pisses off his wife occasionally. You get to decide that. You've certainly earned it. Best wishes for the health to enjoy it.

 

Thanks, I'm active and healthy and would like to indulge before the flesh gets weak. I've been to enough funerals lately to know the future isn't promised to any of us.

 

One thing to add, my grandfather did a lovely thing before he passed away. He gave each of the grandchildren a few thousand dollars because he "wanted to watch us enjoy the money" while he was still here to see it. He didn't understand why he should wait until after he has passed. That was how I financed my first European trip - as I had always dreamed of going to Europe but could never afford to travel while paying for school. It is a nice memory for me, that we "shared" this experience together. It's just something to consider...

 

Have done that already with my kids and plan on doing it again. With the grandkids, the focus has been on providing for their education.

 

There are two of you and unless you're very wealthy or both of you die suddenly, most likely your estate will be depleted by long-term care costs. So. Might as well use that cash to travel and enjoy life while you still have it in you to enjoy.

 

We are in the US, certainly not "very wealthy". I agree with your approach ...

 

Thanks to everyone who took time to share your thoughts. In the interest of stimulating further discussion, I'll share this with my wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

[alphamale]

When my father passes, I will receive a large inheritance from him.

 

me too, he's a retired physician and made a lot of investments. we never talk about it but once he did say to me that i'll be "taken care of"...

[RecentChange]

Gosh I say enjoy your golden years!!

 

I am 40, I live in an incredibly expensive area. I don't own a home (not willing to stretch my finances that thin), and have NEVER expected an inheritance from my parents.

 

My dad worked very hard for what he has. He paid for 4 years of college, and a modest car when I was 18.

 

I have never expected anything more - down payments? College accounts for grand kids? My, they have been quite blessed by your generosity.

 

Being able to graduate college without debt is a huge gift, and I am extremely grateful for the sacrifices he had to make in order to provide that for me.

 

Now that he is retired, I am so happy that he has the time and money to enjoy life. To buy a race car to tinker on. Him and his wife travel all the time. They just got back from visiting NYC and hiking in Vermont. She has her horse and now has the money and time to travel to competitions.

 

I am thrilled for them! This is their time, I would never want them to live it any less full so that they could squirrel away silly money for me. I would feel terrible if they did that.

 

Do you think your kids really want their mother driving an old car just so they can have some more cash after she dies?

 

I have never talked about an inheritance with my father. For whatever reason I always assumed there would be nothing (my mother left nothing but the unpleasant fees associated with death for us siblings to pay). One time I joked that I only want the car, and he said something about their investments).

 

It's certainly not something I have ever counted on. I suppose some money would be a nice surprise, but honestly I would prefer that he enjoy it.

 

Is that really where the priorities are? Money means more than experiences? Maybe you could talk to her from that angle. Or her kids could talk to her.

Edited October 18, 2018 by RecentChange

[major_merrick]

I think it depends on your values. I'm just now beginning to think about it since I just had a child. My parents left me nothing, gave me nothing (unless you count scars), and paid for nothing. I still made it. If my daughter ends up being like me, she'll be stubborn enough to make it whether there is money or not. My husband, on the other hand, is a "generational" thinker, as are his parents. He envisions some kind of dynasty 100 years into the future, and is planning accordingly. I'm pretty sure that "golden years" don't factor into his plans at all - he's going to work hard until he drops. He also plans on taking care of his parents, as the entire family rejects the idea of the long-term-care system.

 

 

 

What is important to you? For me, if I live to be old (which I doubt) I wouldn't care about traveling the world or doing fancy stuff. What I envision doing wouldn't take much money, so I wouldn't worry about defrauding my daughter of anything she would need.

[Mr. Lucky]

For me, if I live to be old (which I doubt) I wouldn't care about traveling the world or doing fancy stuff. What I envision doing wouldn't take much money, so I wouldn't worry about defrauding my daughter of anything she would need.

 

Do you really see spending the money you've earned as "defrauding" your daughter?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Money means more than experiences? Maybe you could talk to her from that angle. Or her kids could talk to her.

 

Both good ideas. Thanks...

 

Mr. Lucky

[major_merrick]

Do you really see spending the money you've earned as "defrauding" your daughter?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Kind of. I see it as my responsibility to avoid being wasteful. In other words, I'm fine buying new parts for my cars, getting a new pistol when I want one, or anything else that's tangible and reasonable. Where I draw the line is at blowing money on "experiences" and other things that just don't hold tangible value. I see things like fancy foreign vacations as inexcusable waste.

Part of me is screaming these days that I haven't saved enough money for my daughter (and hopefully other future kids) to have everything. Another part of me says that they ought to attend the "school of hard knocks" for a while growing up so they turn out strong and stubborn like me.

[MuddyFootprints]

Story time, I'll apologize in advance.

 

My husband and I are 9 plus years apart. We have a lot of friends who are more senior to us.

 

We've lived and grown up with a lot of people around us who have no problem sharing their life lessons. Because we've grown older with them, we've heard those lessons...maybe not heeded those lessons, yet.

 

We have a friend, he's 20 years older than my husband, 10 years older than his wife. They are wealthy.

 

They were driving around one day, quite a number of years ago, discussing this same thing. I remember when my husband told me about the discussion. Our kids were still pretty young.

 

What the man said to his wife, as she was fretting about the future finances of the kids, was...If this is what we are going to worry about, we might as well drive this truck over this bridge right now. Problem solved.

 

Present day. He's hoping to get through Christmas with his wife at home. Early onset Alzheimers. Regrets, he has more than a few.

 

He said to me, we're sitting on a goldmine. I can't even take her to Florida.

[beatcuff]

i am a 50 something, M with 4 now 20 something children. W and I grew up just above poor. we are now successful enough we have a fair amount of money. but you would never realize it. not that we are spendthrifts - we both drive luxury cars, just bought them a couple of years old. we appear (can never be sure) to be on the same page. we give our children everything but not exactly. example - when they played ice hockey: sticks cost up to $300. many players received those sticks as xmas or birthday presents. i never spent more than $100 on a stick. they got last years model but also the right size and curve. and they got them when they needed it. same with clothes/shoes/etc. birthdays was 'their choice of dinner' and xmas was really down played.

 

we paid/are paying for their college. we feel setting them up for a good life is more important than our 'extra' enjoyment (we hang out with persons of similar or less income which helps greatly). we made it very clear college money was an advance on their inheritance. especially because 1 - one year of college- not for him, 2 - chose a moderately priced school with a scholarship, 3 - elite with no money, 4 - state school.

 

our will is setup so they receive half upon reaching 25 (basically expect them to 'blow it' - car, vacations) and the rest at 30 (for a home, fund a business).

 

lastly the vacation home (which should be a magnet - on the river, near ski areas and other recreation) is in a very restrictive trust - stays in the 'family'.

 

i am surprised more have not mentioned using trusts as a good way transferring money. maybe i am used to it in my line of business. there are some beneficiaries that are shall we say 'have issues' that are in the fifties still on an 'allowance'.

[major_merrick]

Trusts are a good tool. I know that everything my husband owns and has/will inherit is in a trust - his idea, not his parents'. Essentially the trust is a totally separate legal entity, and it allowed him to combine his property and his parents' property and avoid inheritance issues entirely. I'm not sure of the provisions of the trust or how it works, but I know that it is set up to do the following -

 

1. Prevent things from being taken away if his parents have hospital costs.

2. Secure everything in the event of a lawsuit - since the trust owns everything nothing can be taken in court if an individual is sued. Wages could get garnished, but that's about it.

3. Avoid probate court and inheritance disputes - it is all worked out beforehand.

4. Provide a way that property/assets are managed in the event of his death. He can plan things rigidly 100 years into the future if he wants to. I know that certain properties my husband owns are restricted from sale in future generations, and can only be sold to family members.

 

 

Of course, things vary state-to-state, and setting it up absolutely requires the involvement of a good lawyer. I'm pretty sure the cost of setting up a good trust and associated documents is a couple thousand dollars or more in attorney fees.

Edited October 20, 2018 by major_merrick

[norudder]

"This is more about my wife, I was hoping she's be a more enthusiastic partner in some of the adventures. For instance, I enjoy travel, would like to take it up a notch and live in other locales 3-4 months a year. She was all for it, now seems to have financial cold feet"

 

Is it possible there's something else to her hesitation and the finances are where it's playing out?

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it possible there's something else to her hesitation and the finances are where it's playing out?

 

Possibly. Our daughter has struggled with addiction for most of her adult life and it's been really hard for my wife to get to any level of detachment.

 

My wife seems to feel almost guilty about enjoying herself when one of the kids is in such a self-destructive hole. Trust me, I could write an entire chapter on all the co-dependent mistakes we've made, enabling our daughter to act out even more. Took me a long time to realize we can't fix her and, beyond that, we have 3 other kids (and two grandkids) deserving equal love and attention. My wife is somewhat behind on this curve and the situation seems to weigh on her more lately.

 

Some of this might be behind her negativity in this regard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

As a parent, you’re not obligated to keep tending to your children once they’re grown. However, I definitely want to leave something to my son but I’m looking more toward leaving him a business that he can take over, or property/home in a beautiful place that he and the rest of our family can either live in or vacation at. I have had a life insurance policy for a number of years now and have no intention of cancelling it. So, no matter what I accumulate or spend over the coming years, my son will have that. Given that, I don’t really worry about what I do with my money or how much I spend.

 

My situation is a little more simple in that I only have one child. However, I specify in my will that I want a certain amount to go to my sister and her son. It’s nice being able to leave something for those you care about. However, there are limits to that and I wouldn’t let it affect my ability to enjoy my own life. I doubt your kids would want you to do that.

 

One thing I would add - make sure your family knows where your will is. When people pass away, things can get crazy. My parents died about 15 yrs ago, within 8 days of one another. We found their will but it had been drawn up in the 1970’s. We weren’t sure if there was a new will or not. That wouldn’t have been an issue except that my family was in a strict religion. My sister and I had left years before that and my other sisters were convinced that our parents had cut us out of their will. I told them if they could find that will, let me know. I was actually surprised that my parents hadn’t drawn up a will since before I graduated from high school. You can’t believe how people act once money is involved. I never thought I’d see it in my family but it happened.

[major_merrick]

As a parent, you’re not obligated to keep tending to your children once they’re grown.

 

 

I think this depends on a person's values and family setup. In my husband's family, things are definitely different than this statement. He and his parents are incredibly tied together....common ownership of property, common business interests, etc... It is hard to tell where one household ends and the other begins. Income has shifted back and forth between them over the years also. I'm guess my husband keeps track of it somehow, but I'm not privy to those records.

 

As I've mentioned before, my husband thinks in a generational way. He's planning 100 years into the future and trying to assure the stability of his great-grandchildren. Of course, his family also looks back on over 800 years of recorded family history, so that definitely influences his thinking.

 

I'm not quite that forward-thinking, but I definitely want my daughter and future kids to be secure. I anticipate that will take some significant tending well after age 18. The Millennial generation is still struggling to launch...in their 30's. I hope that trend changes, but we can't guarantee it.

[Miss Clavel]

I think it depends on your values. I'm just now beginning to think about it since I just had a child. My parents left me nothing, gave me nothing (unless you count scars), and paid for nothing. I still made it. If my daughter ends up being like me, she'll be stubborn enough to make it whether there is money or not. My husband, on the other hand, is a "generational" thinker, as are his parents. He envisions some kind of dynasty 100 years into the future, and is planning accordingly. I'm pretty sure that "golden years" don't factor into his plans at all - he's going to work hard until he drops. He also plans on taking care of his parents, as the entire family rejects the idea of the long-term-care system.

 

 

 

What is important to you? For me, if I live to be old (which I doubt) I wouldn't care about traveling the world or doing fancy stuff. What I envision doing wouldn't take much money, so I wouldn't worry about defrauding my daughter of anything she would need.

 

ya. my dad left me his body and his library card which was in his wallet with one thin dime. oh, and one penny.

 

i didn't think about it that much at the time but now that i have all these orphans running around, i realize it bothers me, it's always bothered me. he left us nothing. nothing.

 

i bought some life insurance. it's a respectable amount in the real world.

 

 

 

and they can spend it on a wedding, a downpayment or a trip to katmandu.

 

whatever. they. want.

 

i just had to leave a little.

 

you know?