Step parent and relationship struggles

[Eclectic31]

I've been with an amazing person for a year. She has 2 girls. I'm struggling with the step parenting a bit. Mainly because I feel as though its hard to keep up with life as it is and this added to it makes it much more complicated for me.

I miss having time to myself and i'm always saying no to things I love, to attend to family obligations (to be expected). I do enjoy the family life but its very difficult and I am wondering if i've prematurely jumped in to a family much to early in my life and my situation. (i'm 33 but was in a 12 year relationship prior with a 2 month break).

Of course I knew this was going to be the case when getting together with her, but also our relationship is great and we are really in love. It seems to come at the cost of so much time and responsibility which i'm finding hard to grasp.

I want to be a good partner and do the right thing by her and the kids. But having these ambivalent feelings and what feels like constraints is difficult.

Once I open the door to these discussions I know we are going to head one way or the other. I want to be honest of course and give them all the best I can.

She is an amazing partner and mother, but its hard to know if i'm making the right choice as these feelings I have won't go away.

Thoughts and advice welcome.

regards.

[SouthernIslander]

I've been with an amazing person for a year. She has 2 girls. I'm struggling with the step parenting a bit. Mainly because I feel as though its hard to keep up with life as it is and this added to it makes it much more complicated for me.

I miss having time to myself and i'm always saying no to things I love, to attend to family obligations (to be expected). I do enjoy the family life but its very difficult and I am wondering if i've prematurely jumped in to a family much to early in my life and my situation. (i'm 33 but was in a 12 year relationship prior with a 2 month break).

Of course I knew this was going to be the case when getting together with her, but also our relationship is great and we are really in love. It seems to come at the cost of so much time and responsibility which i'm finding hard to grasp.

I want to be a good partner and do the right thing by her and the kids. But having these ambivalent feelings and what feels like constraints is difficult.

Once I open the door to these discussions I know we are going to head one way or the other. I want to be honest of course and give them all the best I can.

She is an amazing partner and mother, but its hard to know if i'm making the right choice as these feelings I have won't go away.

Thoughts and advice welcome.

regards.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. I've been a step parent for a while now, with a good relationship with my step kids. It took me longer than 1 year to get there (more like 3), so it didn't happen over night.

 

From my experience, the dating phase gives you time to get to know your significant other and the kids at a good pace. Step parenting and blending a family is for marriage or a similar long term commitment. In a lot of cases, it will put unnecessary pressure to be a "family" when its not done in that order and its best to take your time when kids are involved.

 

Listen to your gut. If you feel that you guys are jumping into a blended family prematurely, you probably are. Its not unreasonable to ask that you guys slow the family thing down a bit and it shouldn't be a deal breaker as far as the relationship.

 

 

Keep us updated and good luck to you.

[Simple Logic]

Basically you have decided you have moved too quickley to be the Dad to children that are not yours. It can be a easy mistake to make. Take the the time to discuss the time issue with your GF. Explain you want to continue to attend events that are really important, but need more guy time. I suspect she will understand.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been with an amazing person for a year.

 

You've been dating for a year, not married? Live together?

 

Doesn't seem as though you should feel pressure to attend every school, sports and/or extra-curricular event. You've only been together a short time and, speaking bluntly, they're not you kids.

 

Is this total involvement in family activities a response to expectations from your GF?

 

Mr. Lucky

[noelle303]

I honestly think it is too soon for you guys to be a "family". You've only been together for a year, that's not that long.

 

Where is the children's father and how does he fit in?

 

In my personal experience - I'm a single mom to a 7 year old. I have been in a relationship for over two years. We are not a family. My boyfriend does not live with us, does not stay over and does not participate in my child's life. He only rarely has contact with her as mommy's friend.

 

I'm saying that to show you that all these obligations that you've listed do not necessarily come with the territory of dating a single mom. It is a choice you and your girlfriend made, so I think it's time you talk about what's not working for you, especially before the kids get even more attached.

[Gaeta]

If I understand this well you started dating her only 2 months after your divorce? This is a typical mistake people do after a divorce, they rush into another relationship to numb their pain and avoid loneliness. This relationship escalated too fast, you were barely single and there you were playing step dad.

 

 

 

My bf and I have been dating 3 years and we only had each other to worry about our kids are adults. A couple of months ago I was given the guardianship of a 14 year old. Suddenly we find ourselves playing parents. Things are doing well because him and I have 3 years of solid rock underneath our feet. With only 1 year dating our relationship would not have survived. You need to go back at dating and stop playing step dad.

[Eclectic31]

Thank you all for your support.

To shed more light on the situation, though it’s only been a year, it seems we do have body clock measures to adhere to if we were to stay together.

After discussing things in life that we want, we worked out that in order for me to have my own child, it has to be by the time she is 35 or 36 at the latest. She is 33.

This adds pressure for us to work backwards from there to get used to living with eachother and for me to play a role of support and step parenting.

I discussed with her it wouldnt feel comfortable for me to move in together till sometime next year.

I find it hard to feel comfortable about the pace of things, but at the same time we are amazing together and very in love.

Becuase of these body clock restraints, we would have to become a family next year sometime. This seems quite difficult for me and I’m not sure how to process or deal with it, Especially as we are so good together.

I know this was always going to be the case, but I’m really realising the responsibility and demands of looking after someone else’s children. And how I don’t get to have as much time to myself anymore, which makes me feel unhappy at times.

Obviously I should’ve foreseen this but our close connection pulled us rapidly together very quickly. I really had never experienced a connection like this ever. Perhaps i should leave and realise it is just bad timings for our lives?

Or do you take a chance at a long game knowing she is a great partner.

When I talk to her about my feelings, she becomes insecure with my ambiguity. Perhaps I lack self efficacy and understanding of myself.

I love her very much and want the best for her and the kids. But not sure how to know what might be best for myself, but also them.

Edited October 17, 2018 by Eclectic31

[Art_Critic]

but I’m really realising the responsibility and demands of looking after someone else’s children. And how I don’t get to have as much time to myself anymore, which makes me feel unhappy at times.

 

I feel I have to mention this but having your own children takes up even more of your time, with Step Parenting their is usually an imbalance with duties and also the other Parent normally picks up some of the parenting time too.

 

I've been a Step Parent before in a previous marriage for 5 years and I think part of our success in parenting was my then wife's ability to include me in all the decisions and I was essentially raising my own child with the caveat that she has a Father.

 

Time is a big element in molding the family unit, I withstood rejection and a year or 2 of therapy sessions with her till things worked out, while the marriage did end I am still a very small part of her life today and I had an impact on her life today that changed her, she is 25 today and all grown.

I would not trade that part of my life for anything....

 

Today I remarried and we have our own almost 11 year old that consumes most of our lives .. but happily and that is also something I would never change.

Just last night we were out at the ball field till 10 o'clock playing a double elimination tournament, so our entire evening was at the ball filed, which is 2 or night's a week and many days during the weekend.. he loves playing ball...

 

then in the shower and off to bed, so from about 5pm till 11 was all about him....

 

I love it... I'm 55.. we had him later in life but he is who I am today...

 

A Father....

 

You can be too, something you need to remember is that time by yourself isn't nonexistent when you are a parent, just different...

For example:

I woke him up at 6am, already having had his pancakes and fruit ready for him, his Mom takes it from there and gets him to school...I went to work and got to work at 6:30ish and I now have some me time for an hour or so till more workers come in...

 

Different.... but by far more fulfilling than anything I have ever been a part of in my life...

[Gaeta]

Or do you take a chance at a long game knowing she is a great partner.

When I talk to her about my feelings, she becomes insecure with my ambiguity. Perhaps I lack self efficacy and understanding of myself.

I love her very much and want the best for her and the kids. But not sure how to know what might be best for myself, but also them.

If you were in love, leaving her would not even be an option in your head and heart.

 

 

 

I think this relationship ran high on adrenaline and you're starting to come down from your cloud. You are not ready for this it's obvious. You are not even living together and already you feel the step-dad shoes are too big. It's a very legitimate need on your part to want a different life and not want to jump in an already made family at your young age.

 

 

 

Like Art critic explained once kids are involved in your daily life there is no more *me*. I get home at 18h00 then go straight to fixing dinner, then dishes, then homework with the kid, then running around for school project, then back in the kitchen to fix lunch boxes and it's 22h30 time to bed. It's like that every day of the week. I get to bed exhausted and bf is getting a rain-check for sex again.

 

 

 

If you are not 100% committed to family life it can be hard and destructive to the relationship.

[Eclectic31]

Interesting paths and stories some of you have shared.

It is clear that I’m not ready to fullfill this roll of step parenting or being an actual parent just yet. Which is why We have planned for it to happen next year and so on. Is that irresponsible, knowing that I’m having these fleeting feelings of ambivalence. I do get feelings of joy and happiness too. But it’s all mixed in there.

Does not being ready ‘now’ mean don’t plan for such things or anticipate that I do want these things later at some point. We seem to cruise through hard problems together with sccuinct cooperation and understanding.

I really do see her as a great life partner. I just feel I’m a year or so off having experienced being independent and self sufficient which was something perhaps I needed post last relationship.

My dad says I should just jump in and live with her, and put it to the test. You’ll find out quickly weather you want to do it. But I’m unsure that is a good idea too as I know I don’t feel ready yet know!

[Mr. Lucky]

My dad says I should just jump in and live with her, and put it to the test. You’ll find out quickly weather you want to do it. But I’m unsure that is a good idea too as I know I don’t feel ready yet know!

 

I was struck by something you posted earlier:

 

Because of these body clock restraints, we would have to become a family next year sometime.

 

It's not like baking a cake. You don't mix the ingredients together, put it in the oven, set the timer and out pops a family. So your whole construct seems somewhat artificial and forced to me.

 

I agree with Gaeta - if the timing and situation were right, you wouldn't be posting here. You'd know.

 

At the very least, I'd go slowly with great communication and transparency. Understand your GF may have a lot of ways to motivate a square peg into a round hole...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SouthernIslander]

Interesting paths and stories some of you have shared.

It is clear that I’m not ready to fullfill this roll of step parenting or being an actual parent just yet. Which is why We have planned for it to happen next year and so on. Is that irresponsible, knowing that I’m having these fleeting feelings of ambivalence. I do get feelings of joy and happiness too. But it’s all mixed in there.

Does not being ready ‘now’ mean don’t plan for such things or anticipate that I do want these things later at some point. We seem to cruise through hard problems together with sccuinct cooperation and understanding.

I really do see her as a great life partner. I just feel I’m a year or so off having experienced being independent and self sufficient which was something perhaps I needed post last relationship.

My dad says I should just jump in and live with her, and put it to the test. You’ll find out quickly weather you want to do it. But I’m unsure that is a good idea too as I know I don’t feel ready yet know!

 

My DH and I knew we would get married fairly early in the relationship but my relationship with his kids progressed at a slower pace (longer than 1 year). That worked out well for me and the kids.

 

I think you are putting unessesary pressure on yourself to be a step parent because you love your girlfriend. It’s perfectly okay to have a wonderful relationship with your girlfriend but slow down the step parenting.

 

No, kids are involved. Don’t jump into living together as a test run. If that test “fails” that can have a negative impact the kids too. I think you are doing the absolute right thing by waiting.

 

I think what you need to do now is determine if you truly miss the single life or if step parenting is progressing too quickly before making the next move.

[SouthernIslander]

Understand your GF may have a lot of ways to motivate a square peg into a round hole...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good point. I can see that as a possibility too.