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After 13 years I realize I'm an unfit parent


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Old 25th September 2018, 1:09 PM   #1
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After 13 years I realize I'm an unfit parent

This has nothing to do with my bf. He's not in the picture. This is about my 13 year old daughter.


I used to think that I was good at this mom thing but apparently not, here's why;

1. Daughter does not know her boundaries in our parent child relationship

2. Daughter thinks she's on the same level as adults some times

3. She has no close friends or really close family other than me and my mom

4. She hates her life, feels lonely and doesn't want to live at times

5. She's not organized and is messy because I do everything for her she doesn't have chores

I'm not enough. I'm trying but I'm not fit for this I can see how ive screwed her up buy giving her almost everything she's asked for, not giving her consequences, by thinking I could raise her all on my own, she has no contact with dad's family. She treats me like crap and other times she's so kind. It's frustrating because I make it my goal to be kind and respectful of her .

I provide the basics, food, shelter, love, support, etc... but the most simple things like building a strong social presence, order and respect I've failed at.

She's 13 now. I almost think if I'm out the picture she'd be more successful.

Any advice?
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Old 25th September 2018, 1:13 PM   #2
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Stop doing things for her that she is capable of doing herself. Look up "enabling". As far as the rest, sometimes you don't have any control of those sorts of things. Terrible parents have produced US presidents and great parents have had children who die of heroin overdoses.
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Old 25th September 2018, 1:28 PM   #3
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I've noticed a lot of parents who acted more like a friend than a parent to their children are now paying for it. OP you aren't the only parent who is being treated this way by your young child.
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Old 25th September 2018, 1:49 PM   #4
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Sorry to hear that. Let me just ask one question: Does she got to school or is she homeschooled? Only reason I ask is it sometimes takes a tribe to correct the behavior of a child. Other kids will do that right away. Kids have to learn to adapt to all this, but it's all necessary skills for when they're older and have to get along with coworkers.

If she isn't homeschooled, then have you simply bailed her out of anything that happened at school instead of making her take the consequences of her actions? Because enabling/cushioning them amounts to the same thing.

A friend of mine has a delightful daughter, but a bigger attention hog never existed. If she couldn't be the center of attention, she could actually get nasty about it. Once in school, she started getting called out on it by her peers. So she's adjusting and much easier to be around now. So point is, be sure you're letting her peers as well as teachers, etc. , correct her. Don't get mad about it and jump in like Mama Bear. It's supposed to happen. She has to learn to live in the real world.

If her behavior has been off socially at school, then her being an outcast is why she's unhappy now. Before you take her to a therapist, try to observe her in a social situation with peers when she doesn't know you're watching and see if how she acts is actually different than what she tells you. I mean, plenty of kids tell their parents they're totally miserable, and then go off and have a great time with friends. Observe her around piers. Maybe you can see if there's something she's doing, a way she's acting, that is alienating them. Ask a teacher or coach to tell you what they've observed. Then if you feel she really needs some help with some behavioral issue and isn't functioning right, take her to a psychologist for assessment and therapy.

Sometimes when kids just get off on the wrong track, putting them into one of those ranches or schools where they have to earn everything is helpful, but I'm sure those aren't cheap. However you might at least try making her go to a summer camp where she is expected to go right along with the rest of the group whether she wants to or not. It could be a great experience for her.

Talk to the school counselor as well. And again, if you've done the ultimate overprotection by home school, time to put her in school. If it was only about academic, that would be one thing. But it's as much about social as anything.
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Old 25th September 2018, 3:58 PM   #5
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At 13 only you can change things around. I suggest you go to parenting classes or find a family therapist to help you through it. Your child is the most precious person on the planet so don't give up on her. Do anything necessary for her to have a good start in life.



If you feel you were unable to teach her good values by 13 then how will you know how to proceed from here? You don't. Recognize you need help and seek it. Any solid parent will have a rough time between age 14-18 so if you don't feel like a solid parent already you will need some guidance.
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Old 26th September 2018, 1:58 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsAllConfusing View Post
I'm not enough. I'm trying but I'm not fit for this I can see how ive screwed her up buy giving her almost everything she's asked for, not giving her consequences, by thinking I could raise her all on my own, she has no contact with dad's family. She treats me like crap and other times she's so kind. It's frustrating because I make it my goal to be kind and respectful of her .
Every parent makes mistakes. Single parenthood is like working without a net, there's no partner to (hopefully) help keep things on track. While some of what you describe is normal teenage behavior, you have enabled her to act out absent any consequences.

You might consider joining a single parent support group, lot of advice and strategizing available there from those who've already walked many miles.

No time like today to start making changes...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 26th September 2018, 3:21 AM   #7
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I was a solo mum to 2 boys for many years, my youngest son was a right terror, he missed school, took drugs, hung out with all the bad kids, ran away, got bought home by the police, fought with his brother, fought with me. It was an awful time, but I made it through.


How? firstly I went to see a CBT for myself, as I was so depressed and at the point of giving up, the CBT helped me to recognise each issue and find ways to resolve them.


This included sending my son to a child psychologist, getting help from truancy services and the local youth police officer. Sending him to a boot camp type course in the school holidays and asking both of his grandfathers to step in and help out during difficult times. It wasn't easy, but he made it through and he has a job, has done some training, has taught himself to play the guitar and to speak Cantonese and Mandarin. He is also very self aware of his behaviour and looks to avoid triggers.


I suggest you look after yourself first, go see a CBT or a counsellor and figure out how you can find the strength to deal with this, and then make a plan and take one step at a time.


I was once a 13yo girl and remember how obnoxious I could be at that age, keep in mind at all times her hormones are raging and most 13yo girls are dramatic, stroppy creatures...we all mellow over time though.


Good luck! Stay strong and don't give up, you haven't failed. You're just in a rough spot right now.
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Old 26th September 2018, 6:07 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsAllConfusing View Post
This has nothing to do with my bf. He's not in the picture. This is about my 13 year old daughter.


I used to think that I was good at this mom thing but apparently not, here's why;

1. Daughter does not know her boundaries in our parent child relationship

2. Daughter thinks she's on the same level as adults some times

3. She has no close friends or really close family other than me and my mom

4. She hates her life, feels lonely and doesn't want to live at times

5. She's not organized and is messy because I do everything for her she doesn't have chores

I'm not enough. I'm trying but I'm not fit for this I can see how ive screwed her up buy giving her almost everything she's asked for, not giving her consequences, by thinking I could raise her all on my own, she has no contact with dad's family. She treats me like crap and other times she's so kind. It's frustrating because I make it my goal to be kind and respectful of her .

I provide the basics, food, shelter, love, support, etc... but the most simple things like building a strong social presence, order and respect I've failed at.

She's 13 now. I almost think if I'm out the picture she'd be more successful.

Any advice?
I was exactly like her when I was 13. I hated life. It was an awful decade.

My mum also gave me everything with little to no work involved. I did get a job at age 15 but that was just because I wanted to be normal/fit in and have even more money. I didn't last long there though (working).

I developed a bad personality and had mild autism to boot - no real close friends but did have some people around me by the time I was 18 but was a loner prior to that due to my upbringing and inability to get along with others.

I hated life and was absolutely horrible to my parents. At times, they never thought life would be good again; I also felt the same way. Mum would say "one day this will all get better when you are older and you learn to like yourself". She was right.

You are not necessarily at fault here, it is most likely a combination of factors.. My parents, despite spoiling me, were great parents. I was just a very difficult teenage with additional needs they didn't know or understand at the time.

I am a generous and kind person yet could not... really be a good version of myself until much, much later in life. I am sure the nice side of your daughter is just waiting to blossom and stick around long term rather than just as a "good day".

This could all get better, my parents also felt they failed at parenting but then I came good later in life. I hope it doesn't take your daughter as long as it did for me, but I WAS loads happier at age 17/18 after high school than I was at age 13 Shudders.

IF you can afford it, things to relax her like acupuncture and Chinese medicine work wonders on anxiety and depression. I believe if I had eaten a clean low carb diet and did acupuncture earlier at her age - I would have came good at a much earlier age.... I also needed to be good at something, while the depression caused me to lose interest in life and in turn, my grades. I did not have anything to feel proud of and this becomes a viscous cycle so I HIGHLY recommend getting on top of it all now.

There is still time to turn things around. This is not necessarily your fault, it takes two people to act and react in most situations.
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Old 26th September 2018, 6:29 AM   #9
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You're being way too hard on yourself. You can only do so much as a parent. All you can do is try your best and provide the love, care and support that you can. She is her own person and entering adulthood and you don't have control over some things
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