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When your teen hates your partner, do you dump them?


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Old 7th September 2018, 2:55 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
That is not a relationship. Might as well spend that time doing something rewarding like a cooking class or the gym.



Before your individual rights comes your parenting responsibilities.



Then is then, and now is another issue. At this point in her life, with the trauma of being bullied, she needs someone to proof to her she is worthy of love, and worthy of love OVER a pheudo-bf. She is not 2 years old, not 5 years old anymore, now she's a teen and every decisions you will be making now will shape your relationship (and her trust in unconditional love) for the years to come.



Basically what you're saying to her is I devoted my life to you up to now so from now on you won't be my priority anymore. If she were 20, sure! but right now, at her age, it's the WORST time to send the message you don't value her enough drop that pseudo-boyfriend.


After I left my ex I met a nice younger man. My daughter was 14. That young man was 27 and I was 35. My daughter flipped. At 14 she felt threaten by a 27 year old entering my life, her life at the same time. She opened to me and I had to make a choice. I dropped the younger man. In a heartbeat.



10 years later I come across that younger man in the metro and we had lunch together. I told my daughter who was into her mid-20s. My daughter apologized to me, she said Mom I am so sorry for giving you a hard time when you met him 10 years ago, I am so embarrassed! I said that's alright. AT THE TIME she was going through the hardship of teenage-hood and did not need me to add to it by dating a younger stallion.



I dropped men more than once when my daughter was a teen and I don't regret any of them. When I dropped that younger man I sent my daughter the signal you matter that much to me. My daughter would walk through fire for me cause I did for her.
Your post is beautiful. You seem to be a great mom.

I'm still deciding what I'll do. I'll find the answer in time. I know id walk through fire for my daughter but she'd probably never do it for me. Our relationship is not balanced I give more than I receive, I respect her more than she respects me but I guess that's normal, I don't know.
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Old 7th September 2018, 2:59 PM   #62
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Your post is beautiful. You seem to be a great mom.

I'm still deciding what I'll do. I'll find the answer in time. I know id walk through fire for my daughter but she'd probably never do it for me. Our relationship is not balanced I give more than I receive, I respect her more than she respects me but I guess that's normal, I don't know.
All good parents do this and should expect it to be this way at least until the kids are well into adulthood. It's our responsibility. I would never, ever expect either of my children to "give" more to me than I give to them. That's a very odd way to look at parenting.

Respect is another thing.
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Old 7th September 2018, 3:07 PM   #63
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Our relationship is not balanced I give more than I receive, I respect her more than she respects me but I guess that's normal, I don't know.

You really expect a relationship with a teen to be balanced? You better grab your hat and hold on tight to it. From age 13 to 20 this will never be *balanced*. When age 15-16 come around she'll fight you more than ever and you'll have to remind yourself this is temporarily and your job is to shape her into adulthood! it's all for *her* good. You'll give 100 more than she'll give you back! It's gonna be the terrible-twos again except they're taller and bigger than you.
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Old 7th September 2018, 3:30 PM   #64
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Quite honestly, your daughter sounds like a brat. I know everyone says that kids go nuts when they reach their teens but that’s not necessarily true. While they do change, if you’ve taught them respect from a young age, they’re not going to suddenly turn on you.

The truth is, you should probably drop your bf and not date until your daughter has grown up and moved out. Not that I think she should be able to telll you what to do, but because I believe too much damage has been done and you can’t suddenly stop this runaway train and turn it in the opposite direction. This is the consequence of not instilling that respect long ago and not being the authority and parent.

Now you’ve dug this hole dealing with a child who doles our threats of killing herself. This situation leaves you with little choice because now you have to decide if you want to risk her killing herself opposed to standing your ground with this guy. It’s a high stakes gamble that I wouldn’t recommend because your daughter actually is likely to take her life just to make a point and because she’s too silly to understand the devastation it would cause you and your family.

Then after you break up with the guy, lay the law down with this kid - and she she’ll be sorry she ever took away your bf distraction.
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Old 7th September 2018, 3:33 PM   #65
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Quite honestly, your daughter sounds like a brat. I know everyone says that kids go nuts when they reach their teens but that’s not necessarily true. While they do change, if you’ve taught them respect from a young age, they’re not going to suddenly turn on you.
Agree. My teenagers are extremely respectful and I'd be shocked if either one of them disrespected me or my ex-H. I've dealt with some dishonesty with my daughter regarding her relationship with a boy, but that's been the worst of it.
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Old 7th September 2018, 3:45 PM   #66
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The daughter is in therapy for this and other issues. It's obvious she is dealing with mental health issues already. Being a strong parent model is important with our kids while growing up but even some children with strong models will have behavioral issues, or a series of mental issues following being bullied or following a divorce or the death of a parent. I don't think OP is 100% responsible for her daughter's behavior. I think the kid is screaming out loud she needs the love of a parent, by parent I mean a guiding, securing parent that knows what is best and is taking charge.
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Old 7th September 2018, 5:36 PM   #67
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The daughter is in therapy for this and other issues. It's obvious she is dealing with mental health issues already. Being a strong parent model is important with our kids while growing up but even some children with strong models will have behavioral issues, or a series of mental issues following being bullied or following a divorce or the death of a parent. I don't think OP is 100% responsible for her daughter's behavior. I think the kid is screaming out loud she needs the love of a parent, by parent I mean a guiding, securing parent that knows what is best and is taking charge.
In some cases that might be true but the reasons the daughter gives, and saying she doesn’t want anyone in her mom’s life, screams entitlement.
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Old 7th September 2018, 6:29 PM   #68
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
All good parents do this and should expect it to be this way at least until the kids are well into adulthood. It's our responsibility.

I would never, ever expect either of my children to "give" more to me than I give to them. That's a very odd way to look at parenting.
I don't know anyone who has parented a teenage who expect their teen to give, more than they receive... Well said.
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Old 7th September 2018, 6:49 PM   #69
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Being a parent is about paying it forward. Your mother would have given you more than she received. You give your daughter more than you receive. And she will give to her child more than she receives. And so it will go into the future.

The only exception to the rule is where the parent has been affected by physical/mental illness or substance abuse and the child needs to take on the parenting role.
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Old 7th September 2018, 9:21 PM   #70
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
That is not a relationship. Might as well spend that time doing something rewarding like a cooking class or the gym.

Before your individual rights comes your parenting responsibilities.

Then is then, and now is another issue. At this point in her life, with the trauma of being bullied, she needs someone to proof to her she is worthy of love, and worthy of love OVER a pheudo-bf. She is not 2 years old, not 5 years old anymore, now she's a teen and every decisions you will be making now will shape your relationship (and her trust in unconditional love) for the years to come.

Basically what you're saying to her is I devoted my life to you up to now so from now on you won't be my priority anymore. If she were 20, sure! but right now, at her age, it's the WORST time to send the message you don't value her enough drop that pseudo-boyfriend.

After I left my ex I met a nice younger man. My daughter was 14. That young man was 27 and I was 35. My daughter flipped. At 14 she felt threaten by a 27 year old entering my life, her life at the same time. She opened to me and I had to make a choice. I dropped the younger man. In a heartbeat.

10 years later I come across that younger man in the metro and we had lunch together. I told my daughter who was into her mid-20s. My daughter apologized to me, she said Mom I am so sorry for giving you a hard time when you met him 10 years ago, I am so embarrassed! I said that's alright. AT THE TIME she was going through the hardship of teenage-hood and did not need me to add to it by dating a younger stallion.

I dropped men more than once when my daughter was a teen and I don't regret any of them. When I dropped that younger man I sent my daughter the signal you matter that much to me. My daughter would walk through fire for me cause I did for her.
That's very sweet, I agree 1000%! My daughter is 6, and I can't imagine ever choosing anyone over her! I haven't had a boyfriend since I split with her dad and I'm taking my time. It's all about her, trying to find a new job that's closer to spend more time with her, and making our new home safe. Men can wait!
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