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When your teen hates your partner, do you dump them?


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Old 4th September 2018, 1:18 AM   #46
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I most definitely do not think that your daughter’s poor behavior should be rewarded in any way, including ending your relationship with this man...

However, if I was in your position, I would end the relationship with this man. Your greatest responsibility in life is to your daughter, and your daughter is crying out for help. You have BIG issues to deal with related to your daughter... I don’t see how you have the time or energy to devote to a relationship.

You need to do whatever is required to get your daughter on the right track. Find a family therapist, take some parenting classes, whatever is required. As a parent, sometimes your needs come in last and this is one of those times.

And for what it’s worth... I don’t know that she is the only one trying to manipulate this situation. The details of your story change ever so subtly every time you post, in that you look more sympathetic and your daughters behavior more outrageous. I don’t believe that you see him 10% of the time. I think you minimize the time you spend with him to suite your own purpose because in your last post, you said you spent for nights a week with him. You have moved quickly with this relationship, you have pushed this man on your daughter, and now you will deal with the consequences.

And, to even propose the possibility of having another child is to throw kerosene on an already out of control fire. Don’t do it, if you want to have any relationship with your daughter.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 4th September 2018 at 1:31 AM..
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Old 4th September 2018, 8:28 AM   #47
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Yeah I'm sure when you said "why do you hate [boyfriend's name] she said "Mom it's because of his appearance and outgoing, kind and optimistic personality and that ACCENT!"

Unless he dresses like a homeless guy, there are other reasons other than his outgoing and kind optimism, and either your daughter isn't telling you what they are, or you aren't listening because you don't want to hear it.
I think this is an old quote but those were 100% her reasons of why she doesn't like him; he's too kind, believes in God, has horrible style, is ugly, has poor grammar, is annoying and has an accent. I am not making this up. There arent any other reasons snd my dsyght5er can come to me with anything. Communications is open.
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Old 4th September 2018, 8:29 AM   #48
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I most definitely do not think that your daughterís poor behavior should be rewarded in any way, including ending your relationship with this man...

However, if I was in your position, I would end the relationship with this man. Your greatest responsibility in life is to your daughter, and your daughter is crying out for help. You have BIG issues to deal with related to your daughter... I donít see how you have the time or energy to devote to a relationship.

You need to do whatever is required to get your daughter on the right track. Find a family therapist, take some parenting classes, whatever is required. As a parent, sometimes your needs come in last and this is one of those times.

And for what itís worth... I donít know that she is the only one trying to manipulate this situation. The details of your story change ever so subtly every time you post, in that you look more sympathetic and your daughters behavior more outrageous. I donít believe that you see him 10% of the time. I think you minimize the time you spend with him to suite your own purpose because in your last post, you said you spent for nights a week with him. You have moved quickly with this relationship, you have pushed this man on your daughter, and now you will deal with the consequences.

And, to even propose the possibility of having another child is to throw kerosene on an already out of control fire. Donít do it, if you want to have any relationship with your daughter.
Great post.
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Old 4th September 2018, 8:30 AM   #49
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Two things need to happen here...

1. You need to have better boundaries with this new relationship. Your child should not be forced to spend time with him, your relationship should not take time away from your child, and she should definitely not be exposed to things that are inappropriate for a child to see (ie. sexting history or inappropriate physical affection).

2. You need to have better boundaries and clearly defined roles with your child. It certainly sounds like her behavior is manipulative and unacceptable for a 13 year old child. You are her parent, she needs to respect that. But - I can imagine that she is manipulative and entitled in her behavior because boundaries and consequences for poor behavior have been inconsistently enforced in the past... would that be accurate?

How to right this ship... Well, you continue to parent your child and date your man when you have time, when you are not with your child. It's going to take a long time for this to come together... If it ever does.
My child is always with me, if she's not in school and I'm not at work she's with me. The only way I can see him is going out of the home and leaving her home by herself for a frw hours or with grandma.
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Old 4th September 2018, 8:39 AM   #50
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
I most definitely do not think that your daughterís poor behavior should be rewarded in any way, including ending your relationship with this man...

However, if I was in your position, I would end the relationship with this man. Your greatest responsibility in life is to your daughter, and your daughter is crying out for help. You have BIG issues to deal with related to your daughter... I donít see how you have the time or energy to devote to a relationship.

You need to do whatever is required to get your daughter on the right track. Find a family therapist, take some parenting classes, whatever is required. As a parent, sometimes your needs come in last and this is one of those times.

And for what itís worth... I donít know that she is the only one trying to manipulate this situation. The details of your story change ever so subtly every time you post, in that you look more sympathetic and your daughters behavior more outrageous. I donít believe that you see him 10% of the time. I think you minimize the time you spend with him to suite your own purpose because in your last post, you said you spent for nights a week with him. You have moved quickly with this relationship, you have pushed this man on your daughter, and now you will deal with the consequences.

And, to even propose the possibility of having another child is to throw kerosene on an already out of control fire. Donít do it, if you want to have any relationship with your daughter.
Woe 4 nights a week? Well no it's not 4 nights a week now if it ever was.

My daughter has a therapist. Insurance doesn't pay for family counseling.
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Old 4th September 2018, 5:39 PM   #51
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Woe 4 nights a week? Well no it's not 4 nights a week now if it ever was.
A link, to a previous post you made on July 1/2018.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/rom...eing-too-needy

"I see my boyfriend four nights a week or more after work." I don't mean to be disrespectful, but those are your own words...
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Old 4th September 2018, 5:49 PM   #52
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I think this is an old quote but those were 100% her reasons of why she doesn't like him; he's too kind, believes in God, has horrible style, is ugly, has poor grammar, is annoying and has an accent. I am not making this up. There arent any other reasons snd my dsyght5er can come to me with anything. Communications is open.
After reading this, I might agree with her! I mean, with all these flaws, what do you see in him? (Okay, so he's kind - that's not unique.) She is probably embarrassed for you, and would be embarrassed to be seen with the two of you.
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Old 4th September 2018, 6:03 PM   #53
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I married a guy that my son hated. He had good reason to. When my husband and I split up and then got back together, my son was disappointed but I told him that if my husband was ever mean to him, I would walk away from the marriage. My son knows I donít say things I donít mean so he was happy about that. I let my husband know that if he was ever mean to my son, Iíd leave and not even discuss it with him. He said ok. That night, all of us and several of my family went to dinner. About halfway through the meal, my son got up from the table, walked over to my husband, and hugged him. That brought tears to my eyes. My husband asked if I told him to do that and I said no. He too was touched. However my now ex was a rotten person and lit into my son just a few months after we were back together. He was verbally abusive to me too. I left him shortly after that.

Your bf sounds very nice and even with the contrast of my ex, my son was willing to give him the benefit if the doubt. Your daughter has a lot to learn.
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Old 5th September 2018, 10:29 AM   #54
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A link, to a previous post you made on July 1/2018.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/rom...eing-too-needy

"I see my boyfriend four nights a week or more after work." I don't mean to be disrespectful, but those are your own words...
Thanks for the link. Now remembering it I remember talking to my mom who said it was good to see him 4 times a week but to just split the day up, so morning with my daughter and night 2 to 3 hours with him. I wasn't working then so I'd see him after work.

Now I'm working and daughter is in school so we're figuring out the schedule so far I've seen him once this week for about 3 hours. I think now itll be once or maybe twice a week for 2 to 3 hours.
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Old 5th September 2018, 11:44 AM   #55
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I think now itll be once or maybe twice a week for 2 to 3 hours.
The issues with your daughter aside, doesn't seem like the basis for a fulfilling relationship. You might have to realize the circumstances life has presented you and accept we don't always get what we want. Tough position, sometimes being a parent to a teenager is more akin to being a passenger than the driver...

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Old 5th September 2018, 4:02 PM   #56
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You have the rest of your life to find a man, right now your hands are full with your daughter and men can wait. You won't die because you don't date for the next couple of years.



At 14 my daughter hated the man in my life, turns out she was right to hate him. She could not put it into fancy words for me but expressed it by misbehaving and rebelling. When that relationship ended my daughter and I were able to rebuild a closeness that had almost disappeared because of her hate for that man. If I had remained with that man my daughter and I wouldn't be as closed as we are today.
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Old 6th September 2018, 10:09 AM   #57
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You have the rest of your life to find a man, right now your hands are full with your daughter and men can wait. You won't die because you don't date for the next couple of years.



At 14 my daughter hated the man in my life, turns out she was right to hate him. She could not put it into fancy words for me but expressed it by misbehaving and rebelling. When that relationship ended my daughter and I were able to rebuild a closeness that had almost disappeared because of her hate for that man. If I had remained with that man my daughter and I wouldn't be as closed as we are today.

So would you say ending my relationship is a good idea?

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your daughter now and are you dating anyone?
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Old 6th September 2018, 12:04 PM   #58
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So would you say ending my relationship is a good idea?
Yes, I would pick my child over a boyfriend. My relationship with my child is for life and men will come and go.

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If you don't mind me asking, how old is your daughter now and are you dating anyone?
My daughter is now 31 years old. After I left the live-in-boyfriend she hated I remained single for a few years. I am now in a relationship for 3 years, my daughter adores that man.



A couple of weeks ago I was given the guardianship of a 14 year old. I am so busy with making sure she has everything she needs, with helping her with her homework, driving her back and forth to school, I wonder how people can date with teens. I have practically abandoned my BF. This teen I have under my supervision is a child with 0 problem. She is polite, helpful, kind temperament, the easiest kid which is making my job easier, if she had any special needs I can't imagine being able to date.
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Old 6th September 2018, 2:15 PM   #59
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[QUOTE=Gaeta;7630643]Yes, I would pick my child over a boyfriend. My relationship with my child is for life and men will come and go.

My daughter is now 31 years old. After I left the live-in-boyfriend she hated I remained single for a few years. I am now in a relationship for 3 years, my daughter adores that man.

That's great! Everyone seems to be settled.

Looking at my situation I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm leaning towards staying in my relationship. As it stands now I see him once or twice a week for 2 hours or so. My daughter doesnt want me with anyone, any man that has shown any interest in me she has despised. I feel that I'm an individual and deserve some social or romantic life especially as I'm aging. For 12 years I was not an individual I catered to my daughter intensely and now I can see the consequences of that. I did bad. I've spoiled her and I gave her my undivided attention constantly. Realizing this I see I was selfish.

I feel that as long as I keep them separate it should be ok. I don't force him into her life, she doesn't have to see him or talk to him. He doesn't come to our home. It's so frustrating because I do all of this to keep them separate and it's not enough for my daughter because I'm still with him. I feel there has to be some middle ground.

We'll see what happens.
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Old 7th September 2018, 11:19 AM   #60
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Looking at my situation I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm leaning towards staying in my relationship. As it stands now I see him once or twice a week for 2 hours or so.
That is not a relationship. Might as well spend that time doing something rewarding like a cooking class or the gym.



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My daughter doesnt want me with anyone, any man that has shown any interest in me she has despised. I feel that I'm an individual and deserve some social or romantic life especially as I'm aging.
Before your individual rights comes your parenting responsibilities.



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For 12 years I was not an individual I catered to my daughter intensely and now I can see the consequences of that. I did bad. I've spoiled her and I gave her my undivided attention constantly. Realizing this I see I was selfish.
Then is then, and now is another issue. At this point in her life, with the trauma of being bullied, she needs someone to proof to her she is worthy of love, and worthy of love OVER a pheudo-bf. She is not 2 years old, not 5 years old anymore, now she's a teen and every decisions you will be making now will shape your relationship (and her trust in unconditional love) for the years to come.



Basically what you're saying to her is I devoted my life to you up to now so from now on you won't be my priority anymore. If she were 20, sure! but right now, at her age, it's the WORST time to send the message you don't value her enough drop that pseudo-boyfriend.


After I left my ex I met a nice younger man. My daughter was 14. That young man was 27 and I was 35. My daughter flipped. At 14 she felt threaten by a 27 year old entering my life, her life at the same time. She opened to me and I had to make a choice. I dropped the younger man. In a heartbeat.



10 years later I come across that younger man in the metro and we had lunch together. I told my daughter who was into her mid-20s. My daughter apologized to me, she said Mom I am so sorry for giving you a hard time when you met him 10 years ago, I am so embarrassed! I said that's alright. AT THE TIME she was going through the hardship of teenage-hood and did not need me to add to it by dating a younger stallion.



I dropped men more than once when my daughter was a teen and I don't regret any of them. When I dropped that younger man I sent my daughter the signal you matter that much to me. My daughter would walk through fire for me cause I did for her.

Last edited by Gaeta; 7th September 2018 at 11:22 AM..
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