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When your teen hates your partner, do you dump them?


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Old 3rd July 2018, 9:52 PM   #16
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Two things need to happen here...

1. You need to have better boundaries with this new relationship. Your child should not be forced to spend time with him, your relationship should not take time away from your child, and she should definitely not be exposed to things that are inappropriate for a child to see (ie. sexting history or inappropriate physical affection).

2. You need to have better boundaries and clearly defined roles with your child. It certainly sounds like her behavior is manipulative and unacceptable for a 13 year old child. You are her parent, she needs to respect that. But - I can imagine that she is manipulative and entitled in her behavior because boundaries and consequences for poor behavior have been inconsistently enforced in the past... would that be accurate?

How to right this ship... Well, you continue to parent your child and date your man when you have time, when you are not with your child. It's going to take a long time for this to come together... If it ever does.
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:19 PM   #17
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Yeah I'm sure when you said "why do you hate [boyfriend's name] she said "Mom it's because of his appearance and outgoing, kind and optimistic personality and that ACCENT!"

Unless he dresses like a homeless guy, there are other reasons other than his outgoing and kind optimism, and either your daughter isn't telling you what they are, or you aren't listening because you don't want to hear it.
I swear those are her EXACT words well instead of optimistic she said happy and positive.. She also doesn't like him because he treats her too good and he believes in God (he's not preachy).

I'm not making this up. I hear her. I listen to her.
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:30 PM   #18
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I swear those are her EXACT words well instead of optimistic she said happy and positive.. She also doesn't like him because he treats her too good and he believes in God (he's not preachy).

I'm not making this up. I hear her. I listen to her.
With all due respect, I don't know a single person who has disliked another because they "treated them too good."

Something is really off here...
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:32 PM   #19
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I donít think itís Ąthisď man. Thatís why we need to be careful when digging into old threads of posters, because these older posts might be about completely different things. Sure, she made a mistake, and it was very unfortunate that the daughter found stuff on her computer that she wasnít meant to see. she definitely shouldíve protected her computer better, and she now needs to help her daughter through that. She saw things that somebody in her age group shouldnít see. Especially not about her own parents .

However, there seems to be a relationship now that might be serious. The only thing Iím worried about is that she introduces the child to soon. Thatís all. Other than that, I donít think the daughter has any business to have any input whatsoever, unless the new boyfriend is disrespectful to the daughter or doesnít treat her well. Sheís 13. She doesnít run the household.
Yes this is a different man and my daughter and I have talked about that past incident. It was tough but we have moved on.

My boyfriend met us together before we decided to date. We met while my dauggter and i were traveling. It's my goal to keep them separate until months have passed and our relationship is stronfer. It's the best this way.
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:41 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by ItsAllConfusing View Post
I swear those are her EXACT words well instead of optimistic she said happy and positive.. She also doesn't like him because he treats her too good and he believes in God (he's not preachy).

I'm not making this up. I hear her. I listen to her.
Does she think he is fake?
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:42 PM   #21
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It's also not an either/or situation when it comes to making this girl be around this guy so soon. Mom can keep her dating life separate until the daughter's other serious issues get dealt with. It doesn't sound like they've been dating long, so why would there be no other option than to force her to be in their (the new couple) presence?

I don't force her to be around us. In the past I have given her the option of spending time with us or not so that she does not feel left out. Now we've learned that it's best to keep things separate. But even when this is suggested she is against it because she doesn't want me with him. Or she'll ask to come.
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:45 PM   #22
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With all due respect, I don't know a single person who has disliked another because they "treated them too good."

Something is really off here...
It's true.

I thought to myself those aren't great reasons to dislike someone but those are her reasons.
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:46 PM   #23
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I don't force her to be around us. In the past I have given her the option of spending time with us or not so that she does not feel left out. Now we've learned that it's best to keep things separate. But even when this is suggested she is against it because she doesn't want me with him. Or she'll ask to come.
With all due respect, that doesn't make much sense. Does she ask to spend time with you, or not?

What is your custody arrangement OP? Do you have your daughter with you full time, or part time?
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Old 3rd July 2018, 10:47 PM   #24
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Does she think he is fake?
Hmmm you know, I've never thought about that. Thanks. I'm going to ask her more about this.
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Old 3rd July 2018, 11:28 PM   #25
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With all due respect, that doesn't make much sense. Does she ask to spend time with you, or not?

What is your custody arrangement OP? Do you have your daughter with you full time, or part time?
I have full custody of my child. She is with me all the time.

When I go out with my boyfriend she can either hang out with her friend, hang out at the library, spend time with grandma or hang in the house. I never say you have to go with us. In fact It's less stressful if my daughter is not with us.

She doesn't have to ask to spend time with me because I'm always there and I ensure that I spend time with her. We just got back from spending time together. I wanted to see my bf as well but I didnt. My daughter and I spent the day together.
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Old 3rd July 2018, 11:30 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Two things need to happen here...

1. You need to have better boundaries with this new relationship. Your child should not be forced to spend time with him, your relationship should not take time away from your child, and she should definitely not be exposed to things that are inappropriate for a child to see (ie. sexting history or inappropriate physical affection).

2. You need to have better boundaries and clearly defined roles with your child. It certainly sounds like her behavior is manipulative and unacceptable for a 13 year old child. You are her parent, she needs to respect that. But - I can imagine that she is manipulative and entitled in her behavior because boundaries and consequences for poor behavior have been inconsistently enforced in the past... would that be accurate?

How to right this ship... Well, you continue to parent your child and date your man when you have time, when you are not with your child. It's going to take a long time for this to come together... If it ever does.
Thank you, you are right about everything.

I don't force her to spend time with us and she has never seen us do anything sexual in person or through text.
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Old 4th July 2018, 11:22 AM   #27
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I have full custody of my child. She is with me all the time.
Is your daughter's father in her life at all and does she get to spend time with him?
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Old 4th July 2018, 12:21 PM   #28
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Like others have mentioned, children, especially teens and pre-teens don't like to see their parents dating. So her reaction is normal.


What you need to do is to kindly but firmly explain to your daughter that you understand it's not what she wants, but you will date this man or if this doesn't work out, you will likely look to date someone else. You have to be unwavering in making it clear that this is not negotiable.



Also, expect it to take it a long time for the relationship to warm up. Years. I read in a book that it takes about 4 years for things to settle down in blended families.


I was in a very similar situation, my son was 12 yo when my husband and I started dating and I also had him full time. He has told me he doesn't want me to date, to which I patiently explained that I have to, because I still have life ahead of me and while now him and I are together, he will go off and have his own life and family and I want to also have a partner in my life. I promised him I will make sure I choose someone kind and loving and ensure that he is treated right when the time comes. That was when he was about 11. The conversation happened more than once and I was firm every time.


When I met my husband he was 12, and told me, once he met him (about 6 months in) that he likes him, and it's not about him, but he doeesn't want to share me. I kept my stance, kindly, no shouting, hugging him, but firmly explaining that mom has a life and he's still number one and will be sure we have lots of time together, but mom needs to do this. I said I'm glad he likes him and to let me know if anything changes.


He slowly got used to the situation. My now husband did not move in with us until 2.5 years into the relationship. Their relationship is a very good one now, 4 years later. My son puts him down on form as his father (although he has a biological father he talks on the phone with about once a month) and he is happy with our rebuilt family.



Something I did, I told my husband to never discipline my son, always just be a friend and if any misbehavior or criticism feels necessary to bring it up to me and let me be the bad guy. Luckily, my son is an almost perfect teenager, very respectful and kind and we hardly ever have any kind of issues with him, other than maybe not picking up after himself all the time and other minor stuff like that. My husband doesn't get on his case and they are friends.



But it all warm up slowly over the years, I didn't push them, nobody tried to force anything, I was just very firm about what's going to happen and my son had to accept it and make the best out of the situation. I love them both and my husband brought two dogs and a kitty in our lives and my son loves them to pieces.


Don't fight with you daughter, always talk to her calmly, hug her, reassure her evertything will be ok and you'll look out for her ,but you will be in a relationship because you want a relationship in your life and this is normal, people are not meant to be alone. That's what I told my son "people are not meant to be alone, sweetie".
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Old 4th July 2018, 5:58 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by BluEyeL View Post
When I met my husband he was 12, and told me, once he met him (about 6 months in) that he likes him, and it's not about him, but he doesn't want to share me.
Excellent post. OP read this on several times.
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Old 5th July 2018, 7:54 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
It's not at all unusual for children to not want their parent to have a relationship, and this includes adult children as well. I've seen a number of instances where the grown children (with families of their own) express strong objections to a surviving parent starting to date after the death of the other parent. They generate all kind of excuses, but it all boils down to a type of jealousy.

In the case of this 13 year old not approving of anyone her mother dates, well, I'd say that's par for the course. Dads don't like the boys their daughter date, Moms don't like the girls their sons date, etc., etc. Why would she be agreeable to sharing her mother with a strange guy if she knew she could prevent it.

What's totally out of whack here is the mother giving the daughter the power to veto her relationship, even knowing that she'd veto any relationship. This 13 year old is ruling the roost because she has not had limits set and she knows exactly how to manipulate people and situations. She needs to be shown that not only does she not have veto power, she doesn't even get a vote!

My guess is that her veto powers are not limited to boyfriends either. I think the whole parent/child relationship needs to be redefined. Most kids would not even presume to express an opinion, much less undertake to undermine the relationship.

I agree completely about not introducing children to dating partners for a long time. 6-9 months was my rule of thumb, but my daughter was older and more mature. A year isn't unreasonable. Less than 6 months, no.
This is not too different from my situation - dating a woman with an empowered child. As someone put it: a child will assume power if they perceive their parent / guardian as weak.
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