Ex says watching kids is a favor!?!

[norudder]

My kids are 8&10. My exh doesn't work. He's living with family. Finishing school for the past 3 years. Not taking summer classes. We do 50/50. During "my days" kids are with him while I am at work, then pick them up and drop them off again in morning.

 

I have been doing ALL the pick up and drop offs since school ended. No activities etc where we usually swapped. This morning I was late and asked him to pick them up so I wouldn't have to back track like I usually do. Normally nbd. We live 3 miles apart. It saved me 10 necessary minutes. I asked if we could do it more in summer.

 

Keep in mind it would only be 2 mornings/week and he's not doing anything. This was his response.

 

"So I am happy to go back to our original schedule, where on the "turn over days" I will bring them to you. On the days when they are with you, I am helping you out by taking the girls, essentially I am your daycare provider. You wouldn't ask the daycare to pick up your kids and drop them off for you, would you? These are days where, in a 50/50 custody agreement, I am not responsible for the girls...you are. I do you a favor by taking them for you while you go to work. If you would like to make other arrangements you are free to do so but I dont, in any way, feel obligated to come pick up the girls on days when they are not technically my responsibility. That is the joy of 50/50 custody. I hope that makes sense. I'm not trying to be difficult, I have to be able to have my time, just like you get yours."

 

 

Am I crazy for being upset? It's not about whether he picks them up, it's that he apparently sees it as doing me a favor!?!

Maybe I should look into day camps? I feel like that'd be petty to make a point but it's his point he's making.

 

I see time with them as a JOY not an obligation. Doesn't he get it? Maybe they would actually be better in a camp than more time with a dad who sees them this way.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He's probably sleeping in on those days and doesn't want to wake up. Yeah, he's being pretty icky about it, but he's not "legally" wrong. Sounds like the nit-picky kinds of things my ex and I would do in the beginning of our divorce when we were not getting along at all. How long have you been divorced?

[norudder]

He's probably sleeping in on those days and doesn't want to wake up. Yeah, he's being pretty icky about it, but he's not "legally" wrong. Sounds like the nit-picky kinds of things my ex and I would do in the beginning of our divorce when we were not getting along at all. How long have you been divorced?

 

 

Doing my best to just breathe and let it go as par for the course and it just being who he is and why we are divorced. It's been 5 years, 3 official.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Doing my best to just breathe and let it go as par for the course and it just being who he is and why we are divorced. It's been 5 years, 3 official.

 

Yep. Sorry you're having to deal with that, especially since he's not doing anything at all. I'd be very annoyed too! Vent away.

[norudder]

He said he doesn't want to make me feel like a bad parent and has never complained even though he does more than his fair share because he does his 50% plus 25% of my 50%.

 

 

Which is only during the summer and only because he's available. Apparently I'm a bad parent for having a job.

 

 

I am a 100% parent whether I am with them or not. Would gladly trade places.

 

Ugh.

 

Thanks for supporting the vent.

[Lotsgoingon]

He just said something to get under your skin ... and for a bit it worked.

 

You sound like a great mom. No need to question that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe they would actually be better in a camp than more time with a dad who sees them this way.

 

He doesn't see them this way, he sees you this way.

 

IMHO, he's already cooperating by taking the kids on what are your days. Asking him to make your life easier with pick-ups has nothing to do with his role as a parent, it's a favor for you. And it's neither unusual nor unreasonable for partners to stop granting those favors after divorce.

 

Were I you, I'd be grateful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norudder]

He doesn't see them this way, he sees you this way.

 

IMHO, he's already cooperating by taking the kids on what are your days. Asking him to make your life easier with pick-ups has nothing to do with his role as a parent, it's a favor for you. And it's neither unusual nor unreasonable for partners to stop granting those favors after divorce.

 

Were I you, I'd be grateful...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He hasnt been doing any pickups at all. Going back to the regular agreed on schedule, yes, that's good.

 

Altering the schedule for the summer, I see your point where that would be a favor not unreasonable to decline. However I also saw it as an opportunity to give the kids more sleep as well. But that's not changing.

 

The summer childcare issue during the day though, that is what I am referring to as not being a "favor" and unfairly portraying it as such.

 

If he were working, we would agree on a childcare plan. We wouldn't just say you figure out your days and I'll figure out mine with 2 different sitters etc. He agreed to this plan, just bugs me he tries to be a martyr about it.

 

I am grateful that it works out is overall cooperative. I am cooperative as well, financially supportive and flexible with vacation schedules, father's day etc. He has an in house sitter with his mom if necessary (if I'm not available) and between her and me, neither he nor the kids need for much. So watching kids for 2 of "my day" workdays is a favor I should be grateful for?

 

I guess it could be worse and it's a matter of perspective. I tend to meet people where they're at. Thank for the reminder though.

[Mr. Lucky]

So watching kids for 2 of "my day" workdays is a favor I should be grateful for?

 

Short answer - yes. Look at it selfishly - were it taken away, it would be logistically and financially inconvenient for you.

 

On the "Cooperative Divorced Parents Spectrum", you guys rank pretty high. Don't lose perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Clavel]

My kids are 8&10. My exh doesn't work. He's living with family. Finishing school for the past 3 years. Not taking summer classes. We do 50/50. During "my days" kids are with him while I am at work, then pick them up and drop them off again in morning.

 

 

"So I am happy to go back to our original schedule, where on the "turn over days" I will bring them to you. On the days when they are with you, I am helping you out by taking the girls, essentially I am your daycare provider. You wouldn't ask the daycare to pick up your kids and drop them off for you, would you? These are days where, in a 50/50 custody agreement, I am not responsible for the girls...you are. I do you a favor by taking them for you while you go to work. If you would like to make other arrangements you are free to do so but I dont, in any way, feel obligated to come pick up the girls on days when they are not technically my responsibility. That is the joy of 50/50 custody. I hope that makes sense. I'm not trying to be difficult, I have to be able to have my time, just like you get yours."

 

 

Am I crazy for being upset? It's not about whether he picks them up, it's that he apparently sees it as doing me a favor!?!

Maybe I should look into day camps? I feel like that'd be petty to make a point but it's his point he's making.

 

I see time with them as a JOY not an obligation. Doesn't he get it? Maybe they would actually be better in a camp than more time with a dad who sees them this way.

 

you picked him. and from what i can tell the two of you said your vows in english? so, you're stuck with him. like you need another kid.

 

just run the drill and keep it moving. you're doing great. you;re thinking about what the kids will need and keeping one step ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

take comfort in the fact that it's not forever.

 

one day one of the kids will start driving.

[Whodatdog]

He is doing you a favor. This issue isnt about the kids, its about your interaction with your ex, and his with you. Thats why they are exes.

[OatsAndHall]

A former work colleague of mine opted not to fight for custody when he was divorced as his ex stated she'd give him 50/50 time and that they didn't need to spend more money on lawyers handling that. He believed her, she was granted full custody and she moved their boy 800 miles away a year later. He's lucky to see his son six weeks per year. It devastated him as there was nothing he could do according to state law. I imagine your ex would be singing a different tune if he had been put in that situation and then given them half-time (well, three-quarters time in the summer).

 

 

 

If picking them up is a hassle for him, then all he needs to say is "I would like to go back to our original pick-up/drop off schedule" and leave it at that. The rest of his reply was just a snarky reply to get under your skin and made him look like a tool. If he'd prefer that they go to daycare in the summer, then he can pay for half of the bill.

[anika99]

I think he is doing you a favor by taking care of the kids on your days. This isn't about the kids or how he feels about them. He isn't refusing to take care of them. He's just pointing out that he is doing you a favor, which is true. I was a single working parent with no help from the father and when my kids were little I had to take them by bus to a daycare and then take another bus to work. Then do it in reverse on the way home. Those were long hard days for us. Your ex might be a jerk in general but in this situation he is helping you out a lot.

[OatsAndHall]

I think he is doing you a favor by taking care of the kids on your days. This isn't about the kids or how he feels about them. He isn't refusing to take care of them. He's just pointing out that he is doing you a favor, which is true. I was a single working parent with no help from the father and when my kids were little I had to take them by bus to a daycare and then take another bus to work. Then do it in reverse on the way home. Those were long hard days for us. Your ex might be a jerk in general but in this situation he is helping you out a lot.

 

 

He's doing himself a favor too. He'd be on the hook for thousands of dollars in daycare bills if he opted not to watch them. It might be her time with the kids but daycare is still split 50/50, regardless of who they're with at the time. I have never come across a child custody settlement where this wasn't the case.

[anika99]

He's doing himself a favor too. He'd be on the hook for thousands of dollars in daycare bills if he opted not to watch them. It might be her time with the kids but daycare is still split 50/50, regardless of who they're with at the time. I have never come across a child custody settlement where this wasn't the case.

 

I hadn't considered that. That does shine a different light on the situation

[JuneL]

I honestly think it’s your responsibility to pick up and drop off the kids on your days. It’s not your business that “he has nothing to do”, which is not true anyway, as he’s watching the kids during the day every day in the summer.

[norudder]

I honestly think it’s your responsibility to pick up and drop off the kids on your days. It’s not your business that “he has nothing to do”, which is not true anyway, as he’s watching the kids during the day every day in the summer.

 

I've been doing all the pickups and drop offs on both our days since the summer.

[preraph]

You need to get a judge's order on all this so he's doing his part and understands he's also a parent.

[grays]

My ex and I share custody 50/50 and, while I'd never think of extra time with my kids as "babysitting", I would think of it as a HUGE favor to my ex to take them as much as you're talking about. I do 90% of my work, dating, socializing when I don't have my kids. I also do all my laundry, grocery shopping, annoying errands when I don't have them. Taking the kids for an extra day or two here and there is no big deal and I love having them around. But eight hours a day several days a week all summer. That's a ton.

[JuneL]

I've been doing all the pickups and drop offs on both our days since the summer.

 

But his text was in reply to your asking him to do the pick ups and drop offs more often on your summer days!

[littleblackheart]

He's doing himself a favor too. He'd be on the hook for thousands of dollars in daycare bills if he opted not to watch them. It might be her time with the kids but daycare is still split 50/50, regardless of who they're with at the time. I have never come across a child custody settlement where this wasn't the case.

 

In real life, things aren't as easy as that. If he's not working, he can't afford to pay for childcare anyway. He is doing her a favour.

 

OP, I think you're afflicted with a very common problem - the Single Working Mother Guilt Syndrome, especially during the summer holidays .

 

Your kids won't mind waking up early to spend the day with their father instead of going to summer camp and you can go to work knowing they'll be safe - it's all good.

[JuneL]

A former work colleague of mine opted not to fight for custody when he was divorced as his ex stated she'd give him 50/50 time and that they didn't need to spend more money on lawyers handling that. He believed her, she was granted full custody and she moved their boy 800 miles away a year later. He's lucky to see his son six weeks per year. It devastated him as there was nothing he could do according to state law. I imagine your ex would be singing a different tune if he had been put in that situation and then given them half-time (well, three-quarters time in the summer).

 

 

 

First, her ex seems to be someone who knows his boundaries, so I don’t believe he would have done what your former colleague did. Second, you can easily turn the same argument around. If her ex had granted full custody, then she probably wouldn’t think of picking up and dropping off her kids on her days as an inconvenience.

[OatsAndHall]

In real life, things aren't as easy as that. If he's not working, he can't afford to pay for childcare anyway. He is doing her a favour.

 

OP, I think you're afflicted with a very common problem - the Single Working Mother Guilt Syndrome, especially during the summer holidays .

 

Your kids won't mind waking up early to spend the day with their father instead of going to summer camp and you can go to work knowing they'll be safe - it's all good.

 

 

Every divorced man and woman I know has been required to pay for a portion of the daycare, regardless of the money they make. It's a part of every parenting plan I've ever seen, along with health care. If they can't afford to put the kids on their insurance, then they pay a portion of the premium and the out-of-pocket costs for the other parent. Especially in a 50/50 situation as they're not paying child-support.

 

 

 

Judges don't look at the job situation and say "Hey, I get it, you're not working and living with your parents; you get a free pass." The kids' well-being comes first and family court judges make that very clear.

 

 

 

My ex-wife's dead beat sperm donor hadn't worked in five years and the judge ordered him to pay child support, half of the daycare, and half of all out-of-pocket medical costs for the kids.

[littleblackheart]

Every divorced man and woman I know has been required to pay for a portion of the daycare, regardless of the money they make. It's a part of every parenting plan, along with health care. If they can't afford to put the kids on their insurance, then they pay a portion of the premium and the out-of-pocket costs for the other parent. Especially in a 50/50 situation as they're not paying child-support.

 

 

 

Judges don't look at the job situation and say "Hey, I get it, you're not working and living with your parents; you get a free pass."

 

 

 

My ex-wife's dead beat sperm donor hadn't worked in five years and the judge ordered him to pay child support, half of the daycare, and half of all out-of-pocket medical costs for the kids.

 

It probably depends on where you live, and on how much everyone is making but usually, no one will be asked for something they can't afford. That's not just the law, that's also basic common sense. Ex's Deadbeat exH may have had some money after all.

 

In the end, the judge can award whatever (they do actually look at both parties' income and assess accordingly), if the person can't pay, they can't pay.

 

Besides, he is looking after the children, therefore providing childcare. He's doing his part. They have a 50/50 arrangement here, he's not an absent father. This picking up/ dropping off business is not a hill I'd want to die on, personally. My exH refuses a 50/50 arrangement, barely sees the children and getting financial contributions from him is like pulling teeth, by comparison.

 

OP's kids (the priority) are well looked after by both parents.

 

I think OP, like most single working mothers, has the holiday blues. We all have it. She's creating a problem where there isn't one, fundamentally. I

 

ETA: Even if there was a problem and exH is being a bit precious, what is there to do? It's temporary and he's being cooperative by looking after the kids. It may not be a great compromise but sounds better than any other alternative.

Edited July 29, 2018 by littleblackheart

[OatsAndHall]

It probably depends on where you live, and on how much everyone is making but usually, no one will be asked for something they can't afford. That's not just the law, that's also basic common sense. Ex's Deadbeat exH may have had some money after all.

 

In the end, the judge can award whatever (they do actually look at both parties' income and assess accordingly), if the person can't pay, they can't pay.

 

Besides, he is looking after the children, therefore providing childcare. He's doing his part. They have a 50/50 arrangement here, he's not an absent father. This picking up/ dropping off business is not a hill I'd want to die on, personally. My exH refuses a 50/50 arrangement, barely sees the children and getting financial contributions from him is like pulling teeth, by comparison.

 

OP's kids (the priority) are well looked after by both parents.

 

I think OP, like most single working mothers, has the holiday blues. We all have it. She's creating a problem where there isn't one, fundamentally. I

 

ETA: Even if there was a problem and exH is being a bit precious, what is there to do? It's temporary and he's being cooperative by looking after the kids. It may not be a great compromise but sounds better than any other alternative.

 

 

No, they calculated the deadbeat's average salary from the previous ten years and calculated his child support based off of that. The average of his salaries was $15/hour and his child support was calculated at $500/month. Then, the judge ordered him to pay for a quarter of the daycare. He tried to put up a fight over paying health care but was ordered to pay a quarter of out-of-pocket expenses as well.

 

 

 

Yes, the state you live in is a determining factor but I know divorcees across the country and this process has been pretty standard. Family court judges seem to toe the same line; the kids' well-being comes first regardless of unemployment.. If you're unemployed, then they're going to look at what your capable of making and order support and tell you to get a job.

 

 

 

I would have a hard time believing that the OP's ex wouldn't be obligated to pay for daycare bills, even though he's unemployed. One of my closest friends tried to get his child support reduced when he went back to school and wasn't working full time. The judge basically said, "tough sh-t, the amount stands, work more." He went back to court three times over that as he couldn't afford the child support but finally gave up and worked full time while going to school.

 

 

 

And, honestly, I firmly believe that's the way it should be. If you have kids, then taking care of them is your priority. That's common sense; you're responsible for them in every way, including financially.

Edited July 29, 2018 by OatsAndHall