Trouble with my new role as a Parent.

[Ralph79]

Hello,

 

This is the first time posting in this sub-forum for me. I've gone through a few relationship troubles before, and I'm grateful for these forums. They've been of great help.

 

This is new territory for me though. I'm in my 2nd marriage. I tied the knot with a wonderful but complex woman. We had so many issues while dating, that to be honest, I didn't think we would get married. Long story short, I gave her a severe ultimatum and she stopped fooling around and has been completely straight with me and herself since. Life has thought me that there are no guarantees so I live my life a day at a time and I'm grateful for what I have every time I wake up.

 

Now what troubles me is this:

 

I grew up in a conservative household. My parents took me to Church every Sunday as a kid. My parents were against us dating young, etc... But they never hit us and my Mom was patient with me. The "threat" in the household was "You're Dad is going to find out what you did". And we were always brought up to be scared of our Father if we misbehaved.

 

Now, my Wife is extremely caring with our baby daughter, as is to be expected. She's very responsible and tends to her every need every second. However I am really concerned for the other kid in our household.

 

She has a 9 year old boy from a previous marriage. He stays with us part time, and the kid's Father takes care of him, plays with him a lot, but he's not well off financially so he doesn't spoil him much.

 

The boy always prefers to stay with us because there are video game consoles, a pool, more kids in our neighborhood for him to play with, etc.

 

But to get to the point: My wife treats him like crap. She has ZERO patience with him. Screams at him for the smallest of mistakes. Every time I leave them alone he ends up crying for one thing or another. She's told me she has a lot of trouble resisting the urge to hit him. And although they do have some pleasant and kind interactions , they are very rare. It's as if she regrets ever having him, and she takes it out on him.

 

Examples of the worst things I've seen her do to him:

 

1) Told him she's ashamed to have a [derogatory homosexual term] for a son

2) Threaten to hit him screaming at his face . If he cries then she gets more upset still and pinches him hard or slaps him.

3) He's gotten report cards at school and instead of supporting him in front of his teachers, or trying to find the source of the problem, apologizes for having a son that isn't very bright (in front of him)

 

The kid, for his part, is no saint. Worst things I've seen the kid do:

 

1) Lied to his Dad and told him we locked him in his room all night so we could have sex. He did this as retaliation because we didn't let him play Zelda (Videogame) because he was being punished for something else.

 

2) Pissed (literally) on our neighbors wall because he didn't feel like going into the house to the bathroom to pee. Obviously the neighbors were clearly upset.

 

3) Told his Dad I hit him and yanked his hair when he got some answers wrong on a math test we were practicing at home. Needless to say not only would I not hit a kid, I wouldn't ever lay a finger on my wife's son because I'm not the father. But since he didn't get to enjoy spending time with his friends as a reward for passing the test, he got angry at me and made this stuff up.

 

4) Steal things from his friends at school and claim that they were gifts to us.

 

I'm at my wit's end here. I don't know how to intervene on behalf of both. I've tried talking to the Father, but he resents the fact that the Kid prefers to stay with us (because of the conveniences) . He wants to keep him full time and says it's our fault he's acting out.

 

I've talked to my wife, and I've tried to convince her that we all might be better off if he just stays with the Father. But she starts crying and says "What kind of a Mother would I be ....." at which point I interrupt and say "The kind that doesn't sound like she regret having him whenever he's around ??". And needless to say that sparks a fight.

 

For our part, the kid doesn't really respect me. He treats me well because he knows I'm his ticket to the commodities he enjoys, but I can see it in his eyes whenever we spend time together , that he rather be with friends or his Dad, or alone playing videogames. When I pick him up from school or from his Dad's house he doesn't speak to me or acknowledge me unless he needs/wants something from me.

 

I'm willing to accept that for now. I have hopes that in time he will learn to appreciate what I do for him, but I'm concerned for my daughter's sake. I don't want her to grow up in this toxic environment.

 

When the kid's not around, we all get along perfectly ok. But when he comes and stays with us, I honestly don't even want to come home sometimes.

 

My wife, the kid's Dad and the Kid are going to seek therapy. For now that's the only solutions I see. But there's no guarantee that they'll get to the bottom of what's going on.

 

Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Anyone have some words of advice on how to deal with this?

 

I never been a parent before. I know I will have a chance to connect with my daughter over the years , but I do feel frustrated when I intervene on behalf of the boy when my Wife is berating him, only for the boy to tell the Dad later that we were both abusive with him.

 

I don't know how to proceed anymore

[mrs rubble]

The boy is probably lashing out for attention, it's fairly common when a new baby arrives. Did your wife always treat the boy like this? Or is she acting out due to post partum depression?

I would quietly video her in one of her rants, so that later she can see how she sounds, and how the boy is reacting. It might make her think about how she's dealing with him.

Being a step parent is the toughest job, I was one for 7 years and it was very challenging. The best thing you can do is just be there.

[Mr. Lucky]

You have to understand kids are the ultimate self-centered creatures. By design, they only know their own wants and needs.

 

So look at this from the 9-year old's standpoint - family split apart, mom has a new husband, he's split between homes and now a new sibling to steal all the attention. Not exactly "Leave it to Beaver".

 

Glad you're starting therapy, hopefully sooner rather than later. Your stepson is speaking out in the only way he can, everyone - especially your wife - will need to learn how to listen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OatsAndHall]

Your wife needs to learn how to be a parent. The way she is treating the kid is inexcusable and I believe it is the crux of the issue. You can discipline a child effectively without berating them or laying a hand on them I've been a teacher for a long time and I have worked as a mental health counselor at a youth treatment; if that boy tells a teacher or school counselor what his mother is doing, CPS will end up involved and then things will be a royal mess. I don't know how you go about addressing that with her but it does need to be discussed and fixed or else this situation will get worse.

[Ralph79]

Thank you all for your input .

 

When I first met my wife she told me she loved her son , and that he was her reason for fighting on in life . After a few months I met him and the interactions between them were awsome . My parents were loving but serious with me, and she was very playful and got along with him as if she was his sister. I never dated a Mom before . And I loved how playful they were .

 

Before we got married , we moved in together to see how things would pan out . We both had been married before , so this was nothing new for us , but I had never lived with a kid before since I was the youngest in my household by several years. In my family I am everyoneÂ’s favorite uncle , so I knew I would have no problem getting along with this kid .

 

Well things started out great , until her son started crying at night because he wasnt used ti having his own room . He slept in the same bed as his Mom or his Dad up to that point . I brought the Kid over , put him on our bed and I went to sleep on the Sofa . I knew I wouldnt be able to keep this up , but I was willing to give him a couple of weeeks to get used to things . But after the 3rd day , his Mom found out he was faking the crying by then and kicked him out of our bed and it was the first instance where I saw her screaming at him .

 

The kid apologized to me the next morning , but it was one of those apologies were they tell you with their eyes “I’m sorry but I hate your guts”.

 

The thing is , the kid stayed at his DadÂ’s for most of the week . In fact , due to some history between them , and some awful relationship choices by my wife in her past , she pretty much lost custody of her son . Not legally , but her ExH (The Dad) took him to a school nearby , and pretty much had his own mother look after him while he was at work . After meeting me , my future wife figured she would be in position not only to get back her son, but to put him in a more beneficial situation .

 

However I notice that when they spend time apart , they miss each other and talk over the phone a lot and have really cute conversations . But when they spend significant time together , it feels like they start resenting each other.

 

Ive inquired about this whole situation from all possible sources (The Dad , both grandmothers , relatives) and its a “He Said / She Said” ordeal . The common factors I found are:

 

1. My Wife spent 4 years in a toxic relationship where regardless of which point of view you take , all parties involved seem to agree that the kid was better off living with his Dad during this time .

 

2. The Dad has been involved in a toxic relationship himself for 5 years and currently keeps goong out with a Woman the kid hates , (She told him that once her sister would be born , he would be forgotten) .

 

3. The kid does want his parents to get back together but has been repeatedly told by both that they will never get back together

 

Anyways , to answer direct questions from replies:

 

1. The boy is definitely acting out . I think I was his best friend until he saw that his mom and I got married . He was miserable at our wedding . At that point he knew his dream of having his Mom and Dad get back together was practically over . Oddly enough he is very kind and very fond of his baby sister , and loves being with her . He doesnt regret her at all.

 

2. There hasnt been a need to record her . She is well aware of how explosive she is . When she calms down she apologizes to everyone , but thingd have gotten to a point where I said “ I dobt want your apology , I want you to control yourself , and under no circumstance will I alllow you to treat out daughter this way”.

 

3. The kid is the epitome of a self centered individual . I will bend over backwards for the kid , will miss work even to babysit him at times , take him to playgrounds and arcades , and if by the end of the day I didnt buy him a soda , he will tell his Dad he had a miserable time with me . At least his Dad has talked to me and thanked me saying “ I am glad someone like you is there with my Ex and my son . Believe me I have a lot of peace of mind , because I do see all the things you do for my son in good faith even though he doesnt fully admit things at times”

 

4. I have told my wife that if an outside party sees the way she disciplines her son , the CPA would be at our door sooner than she thinks . She cries , says she knows shes a horrible mother , but that she tries her best . I got tired of hearing that same line several times and I told her “ You know what , stop . I really think you want your son here because of what other people would say if you didnt . You dont really care to spend time with him . You love him , but It is obvious to anyone that he is the embodiment of a mistake you made years ago for with your ExH that cost you your Youth “. She says its not the case .

 

She has promised to work on their relationship . And I have told her that even though I have ZERO issues between us right now , Her continued treatment of the kid is something I will not put up with for much longer . And I have also told the kid that if he keeps disrespecting me and his Mom that I will talk to his Dad and I will make sure they no longer let him come live with us .

 

This works for a day or two and then they start fighting again. I hope therapy can help . I will keep you updated

 

Thanks !

[Blanco]

1) Told him she's ashamed to have a [derogatory homosexual term] for a son

 

WTF is this crap? That'd be borderline to say it about him in general, but TO him? Gross.

[Mr. Lucky]

The kid apologized to me the next morning , but it was one of those apologies were they tell you with their eyes “I’m sorry but I hate your guts”.

 

All of the formatting symbols in your text indicate you're typing your responses in another program (Word? Notepad?) and pasting them here. Doesn't work, at least not cleanly.

 

The kid is the epitome of a self centered individual .

 

You say "individual" like he's a fully formed human being. He's just a kid, reacting to the chaos in his life and the drama around him. If you want to change his behavior, change the environment he lives in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ralph79]

Blanco:

 

Yeah, when I was there and she told him this, I didn't know how to react. I didn't want to make a big deal out of this because, the Kid didn't cry. He just brushed it off as if it were another scolding. No kid should ever hear this, specially from their own Mother.

 

I try and cheer him up whenever I can, and he seems genuinly grateful for advice I give him, and for providing a shoulder to cry on when things get rough with his Mom.

 

I just get dissapointed when, after I feel I made a connection with him, and gained his trust, he simply brushes me off the next day. He spends all day watching TV on the couch or playing videogames or at a neighbors house playing with kids his age. I ask him if he wants to play catch outside, or some board games, or anything else, but he doesn't even reply. I ask him to pause whatever he's doing to talk to me directly and he looks at me with a "what the hell do you want now" look , and I ask him if there's a problem with us? He shrugs his shoulders and says nothing. I ask him if he's angry at me. Again he shrugs his shoulders and says nothing. I ask him if he's not going to say anything at all? . And again he shrugs his shoulders as if to say "Meh , I don't care to give you an answer".

 

His Mom sees him doing this and another fight starts. At which point I'm like "Man, I need to step out for a bit and catch my breath".

 

Mr. Lucky:

 

At times I reply from an Iphone, but it logs me off so I use select all and copy before clicking post, just in case I get logged off again and lose my text. When I re-log it adds these things and it doesn't let me edit them out as easily. When I post from my PC I have no issues.

 

In regards to the individual comment, yeah I know he's a kid. You call them the "ultimate self-centered creatures", I like to use the word individual, but I don't mean that as to infer that he's an adult in any way.

 

I thought I could provide a better environment for him. My Wife asked that of me when we got married. I promised her that I would do everything in my power to make sure that he never felt like a cast-off, or the odd sibling out.

 

But it's not entirely up to us. There's also the Father who insist on keeping him full time. The Dad lives in a poor neighborhood, and his Mother(Kids Grandmother) takes care of the kid when he's at work. Except that the Grandmother has a severe Diabetes problem and a Chronic condition where she faints and experiences short term memory loss. My stepson who is not even 10 years old has been "trained" (Term used by his Dad) to take care of his grandmother whenever this happens. He calls his 911 and then he calls his Dad.

 

The last time this was a problem the Grandmother fell and hit her head and was bleeding and wouldn't wake up. Their phone line wasn't working and the kid was crying alone in their house because he didn't know what to do. He's told never to go outside when staying with his Dad. Fortunately the neighbors overheard the boy screaming for help and they contacted the Dad.

 

I feel really bad for him. On one hand , if I support my Wife and help her get complete legal custody of him, I know how they get along. I don't know if that's the best course of action. On the other hand his Dad does spend a lot of quality time with him when he's off work, but lives in a dangerous part of town, has no one he can really count on to take care of the kid, so we have to split time with him.

 

I feel stuck

[Lotsgoingon]

Man, make sure you get to therapy for your own benefit.

 

You describe one complicated, complex, shifting, confusing, dynamic, chaotic system of relationships. I'm amazed at the number of variables and people involved and how their behavior shifts and changes with locations and so on.

 

Just to state the basics: you are a great man ... That you could describe this messy situation with such clarity and dispassion speaks highly of you and your smarts and open-mindedness ...

 

Family systems therapy is often good for this kind of complex dynamic involving multiple people. But I have just generally found a top therapist will figure out how to help ... or admit they can't help and recommend someone else. Get someone really good! Some excellent! ... If after a month, you aren't blown away and impressed by insights and suggestions of the therapist, can them and find another therapist. You need someone who is extremely sharp. A mediocre therapist ain't gonna cut it for this complicated dynamic.

 

Also, I would say talk to friends who are great problem solvers ... Sometimes just the right lay person has a tip or two that makes all the difference. You know any CEO's? Or know any people who lead or manage complex organizations? CEO's deal with departments and managers that have all kinds of confusing conflicts and dynamics while also keeping an eye on customers and shifting customer bases ... and new products ... So CEOs can be good (at times) at seeing a big picture within a confusing mass of data.

 

Getting this complex family working smoothly is going to take time. I'm just hoping the kid isn't a psychopath--really hoping this is just some phase he's going through. Lying is not good.

 

Brother my heart and brain go out to you ... that is one dazzlingly complex series of relationships and conflicts ... Holy Moly. There are major mergers and acquisitions involved billions of dollars that aren't this complex.

 

I see nothing obviously wrong that you're doing. I think you getting the smartest therapy or coach you can find would be helpful. So you maintain your own sanity and effectiveness in helping resolve these conflicts.

[Miss Clavel]

no one under my roof can put their hands on anyone else. ever.

 

that's the rule. and you need to sit her down and tell her that to her face.

 

make her learn it.

 

after that all of you can learn the rules to a civil verbal disagreement. before that, make new rules about when it's time for everyone to listen to you and retreat to the corners. they can try going for water and drinking 6oz , go for a shower or bath, walk around the block, put on headphones, learn calming breathing techniques.

 

but dude. she has to calm down. or be tranquilized. ask the doctor.

 

she needs help and threapy.

 

she's dead inside. she can't even feel a childs pain? she can listen to him crying like that and remain unmoved?

 

hurry. hurry.

Edited July 25, 2018 by Miss Clavel

[Whoknew30]

He doesn’t respect or trust you bc he can’t even respect or trust his own mother. It sounds like you’re in denial of who you married. It sounds like she is the type that puts men first & will take it out on that same man’s child when it doesn’t work out. What’s to say this doesn’t work out & she doesn’t do the same to your child.

 

I have & will always live by the code “if a person can treat another human being that came from them less than their supposed to, why would one ever trust that person to treat them right”? A toxic relationship is no excuse to mistreat your own child...no offense it’s pretty bad for a mom not to have custody of their 9 year old.

 

What mother worth her salt complains of a toxic relationship but then is ok with the man she had a toxic relationship with to keep her child. None of this makes sense besides plain old denial of what kind of woman your wife really is.

[Ralph79]

Man, make sure you get to therapy for your own benefit.

 

You describe one complicated, complex, shifting, confusing, dynamic, chaotic system of relationships. I'm amazed at the number of variables and people involved and how their behavior shifts and changes with locations and so on.

 

I'd like to think that life has prepared me for this task. I have overcome so much BS in my life, that I brought on myself for not having some backbone, that , while I have a lot of tolerance for all this chaos somehow, I am not about to let this situation persist without taking action anymore.

 

Also, I would say talk to friends who are great problem solvers ...

 

I ask friends and family alike vague questions on the matter without giving specific details. And I try to surmise strategies on how to deal with this, but I rarely come by any helpful advice other than seeking therapy for the whole family.

 

Sometimes just the right lay person has a tip or two that makes all the difference. You know any CEO's? Or know any people who lead or manage complex organizations? CEO's deal with departments and managers that have all kinds of confusing conflicts and dynamics while also keeping an eye on customers and shifting customer bases ... and new products ... So CEOs can be good (at times) at seeing a big picture within a confusing mass of data.

 

I know a few individuals who run companies, but those few prioritize work over family. They provide and abundantly, but at the expense of quality time with their loved ones. My dad, may he rest in peace , was one of them. I'm sure he would say "Just focus on your job , and things will fix themselves". I've found that this approach might work for an individual, but it doesn't work for those around you.

 

Getting this complex family working smoothly is going to take time. I'm just hoping the kid isn't a psychopath--really hoping this is just some phase he's going through. Lying is not good.

 

Scary thought here: My wife has nephew (her older Sister's son) that lives in an eerily similar situation to my stepson. That kid got expelled from school because he started "Touching" other kids at school. He's supposedly acting out due to lack of attention, but I'm scared that it's something that happen "within the family".

 

We're not at that point yet, THANKFULLY, but I see a pattern that I want to avoid at ALL costs.

 

Getting this complex family working I see nothing obviously wrong that you're doing. I think you getting the smartest therapy or coach you can find would be helpful. So you maintain your own sanity and effectiveness in helping resolve these conflicts.

 

Thank You. It does mean a lot getting thoughtful advice.

 

no one under my roof can put their hands on anyone else. ever.

 

Agreed 100%. I just can't intervene when it's not my child. I can only be there and try to dissuade conflict to the best of my ability. I fear though, that by not wanting to add fuel to the proverbial fire here, and being aggressive , I am seen as weak and lose some respect in my own household .

 

that's the rule. and you need to sit her down and tell her that to her face.

 

make her learn it.

 

Believe me I have tried several times to make this point clear as day. It is difficult, because not only was she raised by a mother who hit her, she came off an abusive relationship in which she was constantly beaten by her Ex. I was about to give up on her completely because she wouldn't let go of her past, but I am grateful that she was able to leave that life behind, yet the damage remains in a way . She has gone to therapy and it did help, but this is the first time we are all going to therapy , (the kid's dad included)

 

but dude. she has to calm down. or be tranquilized. ask the doctor.

 

she needs help and threapy.

 

she's dead inside. she can't even feel a childs pain? she can listen to him crying like that and remain unmoved?

 

hurry. hurry.

 

Well, we just found out that we're going to have another baby. So her mood is going to be hectic for the next 9 months.

 

We'll see how it goes.

 

Thanks all for your advice and for reading about my situation.

[Ralph79]

He doesn’t respect or trust you bc he can’t even respect or trust his own mother. It sounds like you’re in denial of who you married. It sounds like she is the type that puts men first & will take it out on that same man’s child when it doesn’t work out. What’s to say this doesn’t work out & she doesn’t do the same to your child.

 

I have & will always live by the code “if a person can treat another human being that came from them less than their supposed to, why would one ever trust that person to treat them right”? A toxic relationship is no excuse to mistreat your own child...no offense it’s pretty bad for a mom not to have custody of their 9 year old.

 

What mother worth her salt complains of a toxic relationship but then is ok with the man she had a toxic relationship with to keep her child. None of this makes sense besides plain old denial of what kind of woman your wife really is.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

Yes my wife made mistakes in the past. Her first marriage didn't work out because the guy (Stepson's Dad) betrayed her trust, but she was already expecting their child before they could get divorced.

 

After that she had admittedly made terrible mistakes when it came to relationships, the last of which (before she met me) cost her the custody of her child.

 

She has betrayed me in the past as well. And I do know what she's capable of (for better or worse). Things have been good between us for over a year now. And while I'm wary of her past, I did choose to give our relationship one last opportunity, and allowed her to earn back my trust day by day, thus I have to keep an eye on our future as well.

 

And yes, if the time comes where she treats my daughter this way, or betrays my trust, I feel I am ready to fight for custody of my daughter to protect her if need be.

[Whoknew30]

At least you know...as for the your step son.

 

My whole life is based on behavioral training right now. Try giving him all the praise you can, when he’s not even done anything. Repeat what a good kid he is, how proud you are ext...overload him with attention. Than when he is being defiant or rude, tell what you expect & than show him no attention...at all! No yelling, over repeateding, nothing.

 

Someone only repeats a behavior bc they’re getting something out of it. Sounds like he gets attention that way, & your wife behaves the way she does bc she’s taking out her frustrations on him. You should also use the same technique with her. When she becomes abusive, tell her what she’s doing is wrong & then show her no attention.

 

You continuously do this, things will get better for you. You can also use reinforcement (aka bribes) towards the boy if he behaves how you want when over. Good luck!

[GorillaTheater]

Well, we just found out that we're going to have another baby. So her mood is going to be hectic for the next 9 months.

 

 

I want to congratulate you, I really do. But with this dynamic in play, I have to admit that my stomach dropped a little reading that.

[OatsAndHall]

I was a stepfather to three boys for six years in a previous life and I would strongly suggest that you talk to your SO about taking a more active parenting role with your step son. When I met my ex-wife, two of the three boys were raising all kinds of hell as they got stuck in the middle of a bad situation between their mom and their biological dad. I did a little bit of disciplining when I first started hanging around (I'm a teacher and it's just second nature..) but I told my ex-wife that I wanted to have an active role as a disciplinarian when it became obvious we were getting serious.

 

 

 

This will help you in a number of ways:

 

 

First of all, you can parent in a more proactive manner than your SO and bring some positive structure to the kiddo's life. If you hold the boy accountable for his actions in a calm, collected manner through some consequences, he'll see that the parenting at your place isn't isn't yelling or berating. It's being told in a calm manner what he did wrong, why it was wrong and then dealing with the consequences. This alone with benefit him and your family, greatly. And, always remember; "talking tos" DO NOT WORK. Consequences (extra chores, losing electronics, etc...) are a must if you're going to change a kid's behavior. Their frontal lobes aren't fully developed so they're not going to fully grasp what they did wrong but adding in a consequence will reinforce what you tell them. It's going to be tough going at first because the kid isn't used to it but he'll adapt in time and life will go on.

 

 

 

Secondly, it is going to give you more a peace of mind. You won't feel like a mediator or a bystander anymore. You'll be taking more control over the ship and it won't seem so helpless. And, you'll start to develop more of a father role in the boy's life which will improve your relationship. I firmly believe that kids can't have too many parental/authority figures in their life (assuming everyone is on the same page) as it will only help them grow into healthy, mature adults.

[Ralph79]

At least you know...as for the your step son.

 

My whole life is based on behavioral training right now. Try giving him all the praise you can, when he’s not even done anything. Repeat what a good kid he is, how proud you are ext...overload him with attention. Than when he is being defiant or rude, tell what you expect & than show him no attention...at all! No yelling, over repeateding, nothing.

 

Someone only repeats a behavior bc they’re getting something out of it. Sounds like he gets attention that way, & your wife behaves the way she does bc she’s taking out her frustrations on him. You should also use the same technique with her. When she becomes abusive, tell her what she’s doing is wrong & then show her no attention.

 

You continuously do this, things will get better for you. You can also use reinforcement (aka bribes) towards the boy if he behaves how you want when over. Good luck!

 

Thanks for the constructive advice. I appreciate suggestions and comments . But I am truly grateful for strategies or stories of situations that relate to mine that can prove learning experiences.

 

Believe it or not, I have tried the "provide attention/take it away" approach. And it does work wonders. The time he told his Dad I yanked his hair and dragged him (which was a lie), I stopped talking to him for a week. I didn't scream or get mad at him, I simply didn't acknowledge his presence . I didn't answer when he called me. I acted the same way he acts towards me. His Mom begged me to quit the "act", because she said he was crying over the way I was ignoring him . So I talked to him and told him that if he truly wanted me to forgive him , that he had to self-ground himself for a week. He wouldn't go out with friends, he wouldn't play videogames or watch TV. He had to help around the house, and do extra Homework we printed out for him (on top of what he had from school), for a week, without whining or complaining at all, or else it wouldn't count. He agreed and he complied, and things got back to normal for a while .

 

I know I can get through to this kid. The biggest obstacle is the shared custody. Because we've been in the middle of imposing discipline , but then he calls his Dad, he tells him he's sad and his Dad promises that they'll do something fun as soon as he goes home to him. So the kid starts ignoring discipline and even acts defiantly. If we take something away from him he'll just say : "I don't care , I can do it with my Dad", or "I don't care, My Dad will let me".

 

And when we talk to his Dad about helping out with discipline he says : "Whatever he did at your house, it's your problem because you guys weren't on top of things. Your punishments run their course when he comes here with me".

 

But when it's the other way around , and he does something wrong with his Dad he expect us to continue his punishment. The Kid hit a girls at school while he was staying with his Dad. So he had to go answer for him at school. He grounded him for 3 months. We couldn't take him to the movies, to parties, to playgrounds , because he was supposedly grounded for what he did. But then we found out that his Dad actually lifted his punishment after only a week but never told us, and told my stepson not to say anything or else the punishment was back on. Which meant the Kid didn't want to be with us during this time because we were the only ones holding up our end of the bargain.

 

So I sometimes feel that I could approach this kid with the best parenting advice on Earth, and it will all be for naught as long as we have shared custody and we don't abide by the same rules.

 

I also confronted my wife again about her anger issues and suggested to the family therapist some sort of anger management therapy. The therapist is still in the process of evaluating the situation. She told me it's not time for me to get involved yet in the talks between my wife, stepson and his Dad.

[Ralph79]

I want to congratulate you, I really do. But with this dynamic in play, I have to admit that my stomach dropped a little reading that.

 

Haha, thanks. I guess I'm a little worried myself to be honest. But I'm trying to do everything in my power to resolve any sources of conflict before they start. I'm trying to communicate with everyone in my house so that we have a clear understanding of each other. I'm taking them to see a family therapist. I'm trying to convince my wife to enroll in some sort of social mother-daughter activities that's safe for pregnant women in order for her to get distracted.

 

We'll see how it goes.

[Ralph79]

I was a stepfather to three boys for six years in a previous life and I would strongly suggest that you talk to your SO about taking a more active parenting role with your step son. When I met my ex-wife, two of the three boys were raising all kinds of hell as they got stuck in the middle of a bad situation between their mom and their biological dad. I did a little bit of disciplining when I first started hanging around (I'm a teacher and it's just second nature..) but I told my ex-wife that I wanted to have an active role as a disciplinarian when it became obvious we were getting serious.

 

 

 

This will help you in a number of ways:

 

 

First of all, you can parent in a more proactive manner than your SO and bring some positive structure to the kiddo's life. If you hold the boy accountable for his actions in a calm, collected manner through some consequences, he'll see that the parenting at your place isn't isn't yelling or berating. It's being told in a calm manner what he did wrong, why it was wrong and then dealing with the consequences. This alone with benefit him and your family, greatly. And, always remember; "talking tos" DO NOT WORK. Consequences (extra chores, losing electronics, etc...) are a must if you're going to change a kid's behavior. Their frontal lobes aren't fully developed so they're not going to fully grasp what they did wrong but adding in a consequence will reinforce what you tell them. It's going to be tough going at first because the kid isn't used to it but he'll adapt in time and life will go on.

 

 

 

Secondly, it is going to give you more a peace of mind. You won't feel like a mediator or a bystander anymore. You'll be taking more control over the ship and it won't seem so helpless. And, you'll start to develop more of a father role in the boy's life which will improve your relationship. I firmly believe that kids can't have too many parental/authority figures in their life (assuming everyone is on the same page) as it will only help them grow into healthy, mature adults.

 

Once again, I am truly thankful for the constructive advise.

 

My wife does let me have an active parenting role. Only a handful of times has she ask me to back down on my passive-aggressive discipline approach. My issue in this sense is with the kid's Dad.

 

My Wife and the kid's Dad hurt each other a lot in their past. If it weren't for the kid they would never talk to each other, but as it stands they have to talk for the sake of their son. However they hold their past against each other and they can't seem to act in the best interest of the boy. I have tried to intervene , although it's really awkward because it feels like it's not my place to do so, but even though I have made several points get through to both of them, they fall back on blaming each other for things done in the past.

 

My stepson will sometimes listen to me, but he gets moody and when he's acting out, he treats me like crap. Yet I've gotten him to open up at times, he hugs me and cries and tells me he feels really depressed and sorry for being awful. I mentioned this to the family therapist and it will be addressed as well. They've only gone to 1 meeting do far. So I'm hopeful for the future. But I don't think things will magically get solved with a few visits to the therapist. I do know that all involved including myself will have to actively work towards a solution.

 

Thanks for the advise once again. Some ideas I'm interested in implementing in my situation.

[OatsAndHall]

Once again, I am truly thankful for the constructive advise.

 

My wife does let me have an active parenting role. Only a handful of times has she ask me to back down on my passive-aggressive discipline approach. My issue in this sense is with the kid's Dad.

 

My Wife and the kid's Dad hurt each other a lot in their past. If it weren't for the kid they would never talk to each other, but as it stands they have to talk for the sake of their son. However they hold their past against each other and they can't seem to act in the best interest of the boy. I have tried to intervene , although it's really awkward because it feels like it's not my place to do so, but even though I have made several points get through to both of them, they fall back on blaming each other for things done in the past.

 

My stepson will sometimes listen to me, but he gets moody and when he's acting out, he treats me like crap. Yet I've gotten him to open up at times, he hugs me and cries and tells me he feels really depressed and sorry for being awful. I mentioned this to the family therapist and it will be addressed as well. They've only gone to 1 meeting do far. So I'm hopeful for the future. But I don't think things will magically get solved with a few visits to the therapist. I do know that all involved including myself will have to actively work towards a solution.

 

Thanks for the advise once again. Some ideas I'm interested in implementing in my situation.

 

 

I got stuck between my ex-wife and the kids' biological father on many occasions and it's a bad position to be in. In retrospect, I wish I had just backed out of that side of things and focused solely on the boys. So, I would suggest that you avoid the family sessions as it sounds like there's a lot that they need to address on their own. And, it's an added stress that you don't need at this point.

 

 

 

Therapy takes time... My middle stepson was in therapy twice per month and we saw changes in behavior quickly but it took a few years to address all of the issues the boy was having. It may be a good idea to have the boy in therapy on his own as well as family therapy. He's much more likely to open up to a therapist without his folks in the room.

 

 

 

Both of the younger stepsons started out being rude to me but I nipped that in the bud pretty quickly. Once they realized that treating anyone with disrespect resulted in disciplinary action, they shaped up quickly. Our first year together, the youngest one pushed it so far that he basically lost Halloween. All he had to do was sit in the corner quietly for ten minutes because of something he'd done to his older brother that morning. He couldn't do that and by the end of the day, he had lost two rounds of trick-or-treating, his costume and was stuck with me for the night while his brothers went out with his mom. And, that wasn't me being an absolute dictator, that was a four year old yelling obscenities all day. But, everything turned out for the best in the end. I told him that I'd order pizza and we'd watch "Scooby Doo" together if he did some extra chores. He did so and it was a fun night.

[Lilly25]

Wow Ralph your situation sounds a lot like ours. I’m the mom and I have a 10 year old son. My husband ( his step dad ) and I have an almost 2 year old as well. Let me just tell you that I understand almost all of this except your wife’s reactions and treatment of him. I think if she has not already, your wife should seek therapy first and foremost for herself and I don’t say this at all to be mean, but because I too am in therapy and it does wonders for me. It sounds like she needs to be able to put herself first and help herself cope with and navigate the blended family situation and her very crucially important role as a mother. You could go to therapy with her too. I think there may be some resent because maybe she really likes her life with you and daughter as well, but she should unconditionally love her son because he didn’t ask to exist and I’m sure the divorce of her past was not at all his fault but from the child’s perspective I’m sure he also has a little jealousy of new sibling as well as resent and confusion of why his parents and his family in his mind are not together. I would also say good job for being a good step dad and caring enough to make this post. The truth is you can never replace the love that he seems to be craving from his dad and sadly no one but his dad can choose to start giving him that, but in your role you can be a supportive step parent and show him you care in your own ways. My husband struggles a little more than you it sounds, but I don’t quite struggle as much as it sounds that your wife is. I totally get this scenario though and the complexity of each persons perspective and feelings. It’s crucial to do what you can now and let me warn you it might not get easy very fast. My therapists warned me that age 10-13 can be the hardest for boys. All you can do is support, encourage, and love. If you have it in you you could also try talking to his dad positively or maybe dad and your wife need to have a chat alone with son together to show him that they are on the same page and that he cannot get away with making up abuse from your house. That worked surprisingly well after something similar at my house. My son has really toned it down since then. Best wishes

[Ralph79]

Thank You Oats & Lilly for your input and shared experiences.

 

Oats: I try to remain objective whenever my wife discusses anything with the Kid's Dad. I have made it clear that to both of them that she will always have my support in any argument she involves me in, but anything that happened in the past should have no bearing on what happens here and now. They were completely different people 10 years ago, and they both live under different set of circumstances that have changed their perspectives completely.

 

I try and do my best to keep my wife grounded when it comes to issues beyond ourselves, through advice and opinions. That's why I tell her she'll have my support to do what's best for all involved.

 

Regarding any updates with their behaviors after sessions, things have toned down quite a bit, although I honestly think it has to do more with the fact that he hasn't been around as much lately than with the therapy itself. It seems they grow more patient to each other after they have been time apart.

 

Lilly: Thank you for sharing. And I accept all type of advice here on these forums. If I'm here asking questions, then I respect opinions of all types coming my way without getting offended. Yes I agree with you regarding my Wife. She is going to therapy now. She has severe anger issues and there are things I cannot help her with since I'm not a qualified therapist myself. As other posters have stated , the best I can do is be there for her, and make sure she doesn't fall back on bad parenting habits with our daughter. She was starting to show some signs of frustration with her (At times our baby girl only let's us sleep for 2 hours a day tops). I confronted her about it and told her that I will not tolerate her externalizing her frustration towards her. We got in a heated argument in part because we were both DEAD tired from lack of sleep, but I made it clear that under no circumstance should we blame our 8 month old daughter for her sleeping habits. We both apologized to each other in the end, but I did tell her that I will not hesitate to confront her again about this.

 

And regarding my stepson, I'm trying to see things as a balancing act of sorts. I need to be part parent (step-parent), part friend, part mentor, even part bully. He does things that I know other kids would bully him at school for, so I start teasing and nagging him about silly things he should avoid doing (i.e.: imitating certain characters, being a copycat of his friends, crying over not getting his way, etc). I'm against bullying when there is ill will intended, but I make fun of him sometimes "in house" so that he doesn't do things that I KNOW he will get DRILLED for at school.

 

He's looks up to one of the neighborhood kids. Everyone has their own style, they all play video games and have their own callsigns and nicknames. My stepson asked his Dad to buy him the exact same shirt his friend has. He asked his Dad for a certain haircut (yeah , you guessed it, it's the same as that other kid), and that kid has a video game nickname. For privacy sake I won't share the actual name but let's just say the kid calls himself RockStar2 (cuz the kid's dad is a gamer and has the name without the number), so my stepson decided to call himself RockStar3 because he thinks its cool. I non stop teased him about it until he dropped that nickname and thought of an original one by himself.

 

He lies to us. And when we ground him he calls his Dad and tells him he misses him and that he no longer wants to be with us because he doesn't feel welcome. His Dad is always on his side, but this last time we grounded him I did call his Dad and explained this:

 

"Dude, your son is starting to develop really bad habits. Lying, stretching the truth, and not telling the whole story. I know you want to believe that you have him under control, but you don't. I'm not going to tell you how to raise your son, but if you don't give us the opportunity to discipline him then count us out. I'm trying to help all of you and it's impossible if this kid gets away with everything with your help. If this is how you are going to handle things then I don't want him near my daughter, because I don't want her looking up to him when he pulls stunts like that".

 

The Dad sensed anger and frustration in me and said that I was right and that he was going to leave him with us for a few more days until he completed his punishment.

 

So I'm working on that. It's complicated. At times it feels like a task that doesn't really belong to me, but for the sake of my daughter , I need to do my best effort to make sure that her brother grows into someone worthy of being her role model.

[BaileyB]

But to get to the point: My wife treats him like crap. She has ZERO patience with him. Screams at him for the smallest of mistakes. Every time I leave them alone he ends up crying for one thing or another. She's told me she has a lot of trouble resisting the urge to hit him. And although they do have some pleasant and kind interactions , they are very rare.

 

Examples of the worst things I've seen her do to him:

 

1) Told him she's ashamed to have a [derogatory homosexual term] for a son

2) Threaten to hit him screaming at his face . If he cries then she gets more upset still and pinches him hard or slaps him.

3) He's gotten report cards at school and instead of supporting him in front of his teachers, or trying to find the source of the problem, apologizes for having a son that isn't very bright (in front of him).

 

I'm concerned for my daughter's sake. I don't want her to grow up in this toxic environment.

 

My wife, the kid's Dad and the Kid are going to seek therapy.

 

I do feel frustrated when I intervene on behalf of the boy when my Wife is berating him, only for the boy to tell the Dad later that we were both abusive with him.

 

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. You sound like a good man, who is undeniably well intended.

 

But, let's be honest here... What you have described is child abuse. Your wife is emotionally and physically abusing her son and that is not acceptable.

 

I don't blame the child for acting out - his parents are divorced, he is dealing with a blended family, and his mother yells at him, belittles him, pinches and slaps him at her convenience. The poor child.

 

You say that you don't want your daughter to grow up in a toxic environment - sorry, but it's too late. If she is witnessing what is happening between your wife and her son, she is living in a toxic environment. And, if you wife is capable of treating her son this way, she is also capable of treating your children this way... Based on what you have written, it's already happening...

 

It is good that they are going for counselling. I hope it helps, I sincerely do. But, don't be surprised if child protection comes knocking on your door some day... because, it would be a very appropriate call for the counsellor, who is a mandated reporter, to make. And not only the counsellor, the child's father, a neighbour, a teacher. It may not be a bad thing, because they may well require you all to take some parenting classes.

 

I'm sorry, I know... It's not what you wanted to hear. I applaude your attempts to help this boy, but your wife is out of line here and you are limited with what you can do to change that. I read a lot of justification and you are making a lot of excuses for your wife in your post... The fact is, your wife lacks self control and she has significant issues with anger that she is taking it out on her child. And, you had two more children with her... Yikes.

 

I'm sorry if this is a little harsh and hard to read, but as someone who works with child protection it really bothers me when people chose to have children, parent them poorly, and then blame the children for acting out. It also really bothers me when inappropriate and abusive behavior is excused and minimized. Be careful with this woman - protect the children.

Edited August 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sorry, I know... It's not what you wanted to hear. I applaude your attempts to help this boy, but your wife is out of line here and you are limited with what you can do to change that. I read a lot of justification and you are making a lot of excuses for your wife in your post... The fact is, your wife lacks self control and she has significant issues with anger that she is taking it out on her child. And, you had two more children with her... Yikes.

 

I'm sorry if this is a little harsh and hard to read, but as someone who works with child protection it really bothers me when people chose to have children, parent them poorly, and then blame the children for acting out. It also really bothers me when inappropriate and abusive behavior is excused and minimized. Be careful with this woman - protect the children.

 

Feel the same way. Ralph79, you’ve spent a lot of time defending the indefensible. Your wife is abusing her son, happening under your roof. Until you put a stop to it there won’t be a way to have a healthy family unit, your kids included. Make a stand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I need to be part parent (step-parent), part friend, part mentor, even part bully. He does things that I know other kids would bully him at school for, so I start teasing and nagging him about silly things he shouldnt be doing. I'm against bullying when there is ill will intended, but I make fun of him sometimes "in house" so that he doesn't do things that I KNOW he will get DRILLED for at school. I non stop teased him about it until he dropped that nickname and thought of an original one by himself.

 

"Dude, your son is starting to develop really bad habits. Lying, stretching the truth, and not telling the whole story. I know you want to believe that you have him under control, but you don't. I'm not going to tell you how to raise your son, but if you don't give us the opportunity to discipline him then count us out. I'm trying to help all of you and it's impossible if this kid gets away with everything with your help. If this is how you are going to handle things then I don't want him near my daughter, because I don't want her looking up to him when he pulls stunts like that".

 

It's complicated. At times it feels like a task that doesn't really belong to me, but for the sake of my daughter , I need to do my best effort to make sure that her brother grows into someone worthy of being her role model.

 

One other thing, as I reread your post and felt compelled to comment. Your job as a step parent is not to be “part bully.” If you feel that you need to bully your child to teach and parent him, you are yourself way out of line... that is a form of emotional abuse and it is absolutely unacceptable. It is possible to talk with your child, to help him to understand how his behaviour will be seen by his peers, without nagging him, belittling, and bullying him. When you do this, you are no better than your wife who tells his teacher that he is “not that bright.” If you think you are helping him by teasing and bullying this child, who is already being emotionally and physically absurd by his mother, you are sadly mistaken.

 

The whole bunch of you need to take some parenting classes and spend a good length of time with the family therapist. The child may be the one acting out here, but a lack of self control and poor parenting skill is the problem.

 

As to the fact that you want this young man to be a good role model for your child, that you don’t want her looking up to him when he is acting out and misbehaving... let me rephrase that for you. I think what you meant to say was, you have an obligation to provide a safe and stable home for this boy, such that he may grow and develop into a responsible, kind, considerate, and productive young man... And as such, he will be an excellent role model for your daughter, who will of course, learn from her brother and look up to him as all younger siblings do.

 

Can I appreciate how exasperated you all must be with this young man’s behavior - absolutely! Have I experienced how frustrating it can be to have a child who cries and keeps you up all night, such that you are so exhausted that you feel you are not able to cope worth the demands of parenting - absolutely! You have my sympathy, dealing with this situation must be hard! But, this is what you all signed on for when you decided to procreate - parenting is hard and it’s not something you want to do poorly because the task is so important.

 

But, the fact that his parents are bullying, emotionally and physically abusing this child, is indefensible and unacceptable. You need to require more of everyone in this situation - yourself included. Good luck.

Edited August 19, 2018 by BaileyB