They tried to tell me.

[BettyDraper]

Everyone told me that this would happen.

 

For years, my husband and I were committed to living a childfree life. My husband even had a vasectomy. I started getting baby fever three years ago but I forced myself to ignore the visceral longing for a child. I felt that I was too damaged emotionally to be a good mother and I have some health issues which could worsen pregnancy and post partum. I was intellectualizing a choice which is not entirely rational. The need for a baby only became more intense with each year.

 

My husband always said that he didn't want to be a father. When we started planning our Catholic wedding, we became aware that a marriage in the Catholic church is only valid if the couple is "open to life". My husband and I had many philosophical discussions about parenting and our unhappy childhoods. One evening, we were watching a tv show and there was a scene which depicted a woman giving birth and then holding her baby. I burst into tears. I think that was the moment my husband decided that he wanted to have a child. I was open with my husband about my maternal urges and perhaps getting a dog to quell them. My husband said "Our vacations and pets are not going to satisfy your need to be a mother. I love you and I believe that you would be a great parent. That's why I'm willing to reverse my vasectomy so that we can start trying. I know I will love our baby."

 

During wedding planning, my mother and I have become much closer. We have had some difficult conversations but we handled them with maturity and grace. She was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and perhaps my mother's mortality has been integral in changing my feelings toward becoming a parent myself. My mother has promised that she will be one of my greatest sources of support during my pregnancy and right after the baby is born. My mother wants to come and help with her grandchild as she did with my brother's son. She even said that she would gladly pay for a night nurse so that I can get my sleep. Sleep is crucial for a woman who has the health issues that I live with. When I told my mother that we have decided to start a family, she laughed and said "I knew this day would come!"

 

I'm terrified of being a bad mother because I abused as a child. I'm also afraid of my illness becoming more pronounced because the pregnancy would be considered high risk. Nevertheless, my doctor has convinced me that I am just as capable as any other woman. He feels that my illness is well managed and I will do fine as long as I have a strong support system. I have had years of therapy. I have also had many years of experience with children and all of my loved ones believe that I would make an excellent mother. Sometimes my friends said that they didn't understand why I didn't want children because their kids adore me. I am also a devoted and involved aunt.

 

I've done some research on vasectomy reversal and the numbers are favorable. It helps that my husband had a very high sperm count right before he had the vasectomy. I am also quite fertile and my reproductive system is in excellent shape. While I understand that fertility decreases with each year past 35, I have seen many women have healthy babies well into their 40s.

 

My husband and I ready to stop letting fear keep us from the beautiful experience of parenting. We both have so much love to give. May God bless us with a lovely child which will will always cherish.

[Art_Critic]

That's one of the sweetest posts I've read on LoveShack...

 

I hope the reversal goes well as well as the rest.. I know of 2 people that have had them successfully...

 

and BTW...you will be a fantastic Mom ...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Awww, I agree that it's one of the sweetest posts here. I wish you and your husband all the best!

[BettyDraper]

Thanks so much! I pray that my advanced age and my husband's reversal will not stop us from conceiving.

I know I'm young but I am past the best time to conceive in terms of age. I know that we are both financially and emotionally stable enough to have a child so that helps.

[BaileyB]

My brother had a vasectomy after his second child, and then they decided they wanted a third. The doctor told him his chances of conceiving were 50% after the reversal... and one month later, they were pregnant. I have another beautiful, little niece.

 

It can happen. Good luck to you.m

[stillafool]

Oh good luck to you and your husband. You will make an excellent mother and will give your kid good advice. I'm so happy and I hope it happens soon for you.

[GorillaTheater]

I had a reversal. And four more kids afterwards.

 

 

They hurt like hell, though. Expect your H to be glued to the couch or bed for about a week.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks so much! I pray that my advanced age and my husband's reversal will not stop us from conceiving.

I know I'm young but I am past the best time to conceive in terms of age. I know that we are both financially and emotionally stable enough to have a child so that helps.

 

How about fertility treatments if you need them? Do you think you'd be able to swing it financially?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have a friend who was very young when she married her much older husband who'd had a vasectomy. She got pregnant right away after it was reversed. She sadly miscarried and I think SHE has some issues so she still is not a mother.....but age is not her factor at all. I believe she is still in her twenties. My point is, the vasectomy reversal worked .

[basil67]

Good for you Betty. This post warmed my heart.

[Mr. Lucky]

While I understand that fertility decreases with each year past 35, I have seen many women have healthy babies well into their 40s.

 

My wife was 38 (and I 47!) when our last “surprise” child was conceived, a young man who now towers over me by several inches. If anything, I think the fact you’re more settled in life gives you a leg up over young parents fighting life’s battles on several fronts.

 

Hope it all works out for you, the best thing will be that your’re parents! Did I also mention the worst thing will be that you’re parents? No other experience like it, sure you’ll be great. Best of luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

How about fertility treatments if you need them? Do you think you'd be able to swing it financially?

 

We can afford IUI but we would rather conceive naturally.

We feel that if natural conception does not occur, then we were simply not meant to be parents. We are opposed to adoption for other reasons.

[SJS]

Aww, good luck to you Betty! You always give good advice, and have a good head on your shoulders. You will be a great mom! And IME, when you're aware of how your childhood was bad and have taken the steps to heal like you have, you won't repeat your parent's mistakes.

[burnt]

Look at all the abusive parents--almost every single of them were abused themselves. An incredibly small minute percent are abusive because of mental illness.

 

So, yes, since you both were abused, there's the worry about whether you'd be bad parents as well.

 

With that said,

the fact that both of you talked about it, doubted yourselves, made significant life decisions against it for so long says a lot about how conscientious and thoughtful you both are.

 

In fact to add to that, the fact that you two are familiar with what abuse looks like and what it does to a child for life, if anything you are far more knowledgable about how to prevent an unhealthy childhood for your child. So in that sense it makes you far more suitable to be good parents.

 

More than anything else, what struck me in your post the most is how understanding, loving, and supportive you and your husband are to each other. A truly lucky couple. Loving parents who love each other and love the child--the most precious thing a child could ask for in this world and you two are very capable and willing to provide that.

 

I wish you all the best.

[BettyDraper]

Look at all the abusive parents--almost every single of them were abused themselves. An incredibly small minute percent are abusive because of mental illness.

 

So, yes, since you both were abused, there's the worry about whether you'd be bad parents as well.

 

With that said,

the fact that both of you talked about it, doubted yourselves, made significant life decisions against it for so long says a lot about how conscientious and thoughtful you both are.

 

In fact to add to that, the fact that you two are familiar with what abuse looks like and what it does to a child for life, if anything you are far more knowledgable about how to prevent an unhealthy childhood for your child. So in that sense it makes you far more suitable to be good parents.

 

More than anything else, what struck me in your post the most is how understanding, loving, and supportive you and your husband are to each other. A truly lucky couple. Loving parents who love each other and love the child--the most precious thing a child could ask for in this world and you two are very capable and willing to provide that.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Thank you so much for your lovely post! It was so positive and encouraging.

My husband and I have come a long way. We both had emotional issues which led to challenges in our marriage. Deciding to become parents is a radical act of love and a leap of faith.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Congratulations on your decision, Betty Draper!

 

My husband and I never planned on having children. I came from a large family and helped rear my siblings so was pretty tired of taking care of children and my husband had no interest. We conceived, though, and I can honestly say nothing in my life, aside from my relationship with Jesus Christ, has been more wonderful and satisfying than being a mother.

 

I can believe that you will be a wonderful mother and that you'll be so glad you made the decision to become one!

 

May God continue to bless you and your husband as your life unfolds together. I will look forward to reading updates on LS about your journey if you should decide to post about it.

[preraph]

When you are abused, your fears about continuing that cycle are certainly justified. You've been through therapy, so that's good, but you still fear it, so it's not all over. I recommend two things. One is both you and your husband, especially since you haven't contemplated children before and had time to really get down in the trenches about it, take a parenting class together so you are on the same page about discipline, etc. That way, you won't be doing what his mother and dad did to him when he was raised and what your mother and dad did to you when you were raised, which sounds like not the best situations, plus it will put you in agreement so your parenting will go more smoothly.

 

Second, if you start having an emotional problem and acting out abusively or some other way that's not the best, make time to get back in therapy so that at least you have an outlet and guidance.

 

Best wishes to you both!

[major_merrick]

Like you, the thought of having a child and abusing that child scares me....I was abused by both parents. I also didn't expect to be able to be pregnant, but I'm due in a couple of months.

 

Fortunately, my husband is an experienced father and I've got other girls to help me out. He's told me, and friends have told me as well, that since I think about it a lot I'm probably less likely to abuse my child. Plus, I have the accountability factor of living in a large household with plenty of other adults around.

 

You're right in saying that becoming a parent (especially intentionally) is a radical act. I figure that recognizing that is what will make you a good one!

[BettyDraper]

When you are abused, your fears about continuing that cycle are certainly justified. You've been through therapy, so that's good, but you still fear it, so it's not all over. I recommend two things. One is both you and your husband, especially since you haven't contemplated children before and had time to really get down in the trenches about it, take a parenting class together so you are on the same page about discipline, etc. That way, you won't be doing what his mother and dad did to him when he was raised and what your mother and dad did to you when you were raised, which sounds like not the best situations, plus it will put you in agreement so your parenting will go more smoothly.

 

Second, if you start having an emotional problem and acting out abusively or some other way that's not the best, make time to get back in therapy so that at least you have an outlet and guidance.

 

Best wishes to you both!

 

I like the parenting class idea. Luckily, we already agree on discipline. It appears that I will be the stricter parent. I refuse to be as strict and punitive as my parents though.

 

I can always call my therapist if I need help with parenting.

[Leigh 87]

I felt exactly the same.

 

I was dead set against children. I never dreamt of weddings or babies. I never played with barbies.

 

No one was surprised when I declared that I would not have children. Although my family felt I was good with kids - I talk to them like little adults/friends rather than kids. Not sure if that is even a good thing, it is just the way I am; I am not one for making baby noises.

 

At age 31 it all changed. The urge came in waves and it was undeniable; I am a breeder by nature.

 

I am 31. I am not super fertile due to PCOS (basically, I do not ovulate) BUT - get regular periods now thanks to acupuncutre, Chinese herbs and positive thinking....

 

The biggest thing for me is, the urge to be a mother is so strong that it is actually hard to sit on the urge for long; for me, it will likely be a few years before I conceive (I do not want IVF).

 

I am finding it hard to imagine entering me early 30s. being 32, 33 34.... And having to sit with this urge.

 

Fingers crossed it happens for you very soon! It only takes a few months for most women, so you should be a mother very soon and I couldn't be more excited for you:love:

 

I just know it will be the best thing that ever happens to me and despite my short comings and prior mental health issues, I am meant to be a mother. Do not let an imperfect upbringing deter you - both my fiance and I had weird up bringings yet know we will make great parents.

 

As long as you can manage to not have manic episodes around your children, then a happy loving home is all that matters with the ability to provide for them. Not many people have perfect mental health, we all have crappy things about ourselves that leaves lasting scars.

 

It is funny how there are the people who change their minds, and then there are the people who never get to say " well, they were all right, we DID change our minds"

[Leigh 87]

Thank you so much for your lovely post! It was so positive and encouraging.

My husband and I have come a long way. We both had emotional issues which led to challenges in our marriage. Deciding to become parents is a radical act of love and a leap of faith.

 

 

This Sums up exactly how we feel..

 

Fiance is a recovering drug addict. Sh*t childhood. Abused by the mum then abandon, after being taken away from his loving father and has not seen his father in over 21 years (mother took him from Russia to Australia then abandoned him).

 

We broke up for a while. Both have mental health issues and we honestly did not believe we were mentally sound enough to have a healthy, happy life together. We were even okay about breaking up and being single - we felt well, people like us are best suited to being alone.

 

Miracles happen. Sometimes, two people with big issues come together and make each other have the biggest drive in the world, to work towards health. For reasons that were not considered or actively "tried" for.... Sometimes it just works out for the best, I believe that sounds like what happened to you two...

 

I still cannot believe we lasted and that things just.. got better. Much less wanting to be parents. It is mostly an act of love together - I am unsure about our propensity to be parents if we had not met, I think we would have driven more sane mentally healthy people away yet for some reason shared character flaws made us want to ditch them.

 

I sincerely hope you do not have to sit on the urge to be a mother as long as I will have to, and that you avoid the fertility treatments I will be starting at age 33.

 

Am not looking forward to the two years of sitting on this urge to be a mother, but I hope we are all pregnant soon!

 

Wishing you guys the best of luck - it will be the best thing you have ever done, you won't imagine your lives without your children and I am so excited for you both:)

[BettyDraper]

I felt exactly the same.

 

I was dead set against children. I never dreamt of weddings or babies. I never played with barbies.

 

No one was surprised when I declared that I would not have children. Although my family felt I was good with kids - I talk to them like little adults/friends rather than kids. Not sure if that is even a good thing, it is just the way I am; I am not one for making baby noises.

 

At age 31 it all changed. The urge came in waves and it was undeniable; I am a breeder by nature.

 

I am 31. I am not super fertile due to PCOS (basically, I do not ovulate) BUT - get regular periods now thanks to acupuncutre, Chinese herbs and positive thinking....

 

The biggest thing for me is, the urge to be a mother is so strong that it is actually hard to sit on the urge for long; for me, it will likely be a few years before I conceive (I do not want IVF).

 

I am finding it hard to imagine entering me early 30s. being 32, 33 34.... And having to sit with this urge.

 

Fingers crossed it happens for you very soon! It only takes a few months for most women, so you should be a mother very soon and I couldn't be more excited for you:love:

 

I just know it will be the best thing that ever happens to me and despite my short comings and prior mental health issues, I am meant to be a mother. Do not let an imperfect upbringing deter you - both my fiance and I had weird up bringings yet know we will make great parents.

 

As long as you can manage to not have manic episodes around your children, then a happy loving home is all that matters with the ability to provide for them. Not many people have perfect mental health, we all have crappy things about ourselves that leaves lasting scars.

 

It is funny how there are the people who change their minds, and then there are the people who never get to say " well, they were all right, we DID change our minds"

 

Sometimes all it takes is the right partner and healing for people to change their minds about important relationships.

 

My husband and I know that we don't have to follow in our parents' footsteps. We know better so we can do better.

 

I'm so happy that acupuncture worked for you! I've heard that it's great for fertility. I have excellent reproductive health but I am already enhancing it with supplements. My husband is doing the same. We still need to have his vasectomy reversed so we are not trying yet. We're just saving towards the procedure because it's not cheap.

[Leigh 87]

Sometimes all it takes is the right partner and healing for people to change their minds about important relationships.

 

My husband and I know that we don't have to follow in our parents' footsteps. We know better so we can do better.

 

I'm so happy that acupuncture worked for you! I've heard that it's great for fertility. I have excellent reproductive health but I am already enhancing it with supplements. My husband is doing the same. We still need to have his vasectomy reversed so we are not trying yet. We're just saving towards the procedure because it's not cheap.

 

All I can say is - you are obviously in the best possible place to have kids, so it will come at the ideal time!

 

My reproductive health seems that it could also be great too thanks to acupuncture, Chinese Medicine and using all natural products/low sugar ad carb diet.

 

It is amazing what natural medicine and a healthy lifestyle can do! I have no doubt you will both be parents as soon as the procedure is done.

 

I am glad I had a lot of time to think about becoming a parent.... Maybe the roadblocks (my prior bad fertility) was for a reason....

 

I can tell our kids will be very much wanted, that can only be a good thing!

 

All the best, please update us all, I am super excited and will be thrilled when I see the post about your exciting news

[BettyDraper]

All I can say is - you are obviously in the best possible place to have kids, so it will come at the ideal time!

 

My reproductive health seems that it could also be great too thanks to acupuncture, Chinese Medicine and using all natural products/low sugar ad carb diet.

 

It is amazing what natural medicine and a healthy lifestyle can do! I have no doubt you will both be parents as soon as the procedure is done.

 

I am glad I had a lot of time to think about becoming a parent.... Maybe the roadblocks (my prior bad fertility) was for a reason....

 

I can tell our kids will be very much wanted, that can only be a good thing!

 

All the best, please update us all, I am super excited and will be thrilled when I see the post about your exciting news

 

I have been on Keto for almost a year and lost 20 pounds. Keto is also great for fertility. Healthy lifestyles certainly make a huge difference.

 

Your positive vibes are very kind and helpful. I'm not worried about the reversal. I'm more concerned about my fertility even though my reproductive system is in fine shape. All of the articles about age related fertility issues have made me nervous.

 

I will be sure to update everyone!

[bathtub-row]

So happy for you! Now, you know that the Betty Draper on Mad Men wasn’t much of a mom. Lol.

 

I knew someone who’s husband didn’t have a reversal and she got pregnant anyway. Talk about tongues wagging. It was, however, her husband’s child.

 

Don’t let the abuse thing cause you to think you won’t be a good mother. If anything, it has taught you what not to do. I know several people who were abused as children and they’ve made great parents. Far better than some who were overly-sheltered. It’s your choice.