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Let Her Eat Cake!


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I've had several posts about GF, her daughter and their eating habits. I typically keep my thoughts to myself and look for insight here recognizing the sensitivity of the issue:

 

They recently joined a gym and see a personal trainer / nutritionist which is awesome. The nutritionist is concerned about the girls weight and is working on developing proper eating habits. And then...

 

GFs daughter makes a sheet cake for a cookout. 2/3's of which comes home with us. That very evening GF is telling me that she is so worried about the girls weight and eating. Says she is going to save her 1 piece of cake and throw out the rest (which I support doing). She does not.

 

The next morning I notice 1/2 of the cake is gone. I have to stop myself from throwing the remaining cake into the trash. I feel I am over stepping my bounds and its moms responsibility so I leave for work. When I come home GF has a note on the counter "Do not finish the cake". In the fridge the cake is gone except for a sliver. As far as I know, nothing is ever discussed.

 

Granted I do not know all the facts but I am feeling that GF set her daughter up for failure with her lack of follow through. It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??

Edited by Otter2569
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Is she seeing a therapist for her food addiction? It sounds like she’s using food as a coping mechanism.

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I've had several posts about GF, her daughter and their eating habits. I typically keep my thoughts to myself and look for insight here recognizing the sensitivity of the issue:

 

They recently joined a gym and see a personal trainer / nutritionist which is awesome. The nutritionist is concerned about the girls weight and is working on developing proper eating habits. And then...

 

GFs daughter makes a sheet cake for a cookout. 2/3's of which comes home with us. That very evening GF is telling me that she is so worried about the girls weight and eating. Says she is going to save her 1 piece of cake and throw out the rest (which I support doing). She does not.

 

The next morning I notice 1/2 of the cake is gone. I have to stop myself from throwing the remaining cake into the trash. I feel I am over stepping my bounds and its moms responsibility so I leave for work. When I come home GF has a note on the counter "Do not finish the cake". In the fridge the cake is gone except for a sliver. As far as I know, nothing is ever discussed.

 

Granted I do not know all the facts but I am feeling that GF set her daughter up for failure with her lack of follow through. It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??

 

Changing eating habits is *really hard*. I'm not religious but the Serenity Prayer comes to mind:

 

grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference

 

I think it will serve you well to be more accepting of how they are, if they change their eating habits then great, but I wouldn't realistically expect it. Then you just need to decide if you can live with that

 

Change like that is something a person needs to come to a decision to on their own for themselves, they can't do it for anyone else

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CautiouslyOptimistic
It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??

 

She probably is most of the time, but nobody's perfect.

 

Two steps forward....one step back....

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Art_Critic

BTW, you sound like a pretty cool gut looking out for her...

 

Have you thought about stepping on some toes and going beyond where you think you should to see what the reaction/action would be like ?

 

I would have been tempted to not shut my mouth and do nothing, I would have stepped in and threw the cake out.

In a previous life I was a Step Dad to a wonderful girl and I think that is where my instinct would come from, however.. back then my then wife gave me full reign to parent her as she was my own as we were a pretty tight family.

 

Since you have to keep biting your lip all the time maybe it would be better for you to deal with some of what you see and then take the heat, as the very least you could always back off it it didn't go over very well..

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Have you read some of his earlier threads? This has been an ongoing and deeper issue.

 

BTW, you sound like a pretty cool gut looking out for her...

 

Have you thought about stepping on some toes and going beyond where you think you should to see what the reaction/action would be like ?

 

I would have been tempted to not shut my mouth and do nothing, I would have stepped in and threw the cake out.

In a previous life I was a Step Dad to a wonderful girl and I think that is where my instinct would come from, however.. back then my then wife gave me full reign to parent her as she was my own as we were a pretty tight family.

 

Since you have to keep biting your lip all the time maybe it would be better for you to deal with some of what you see and then take the heat, as the very least you could always back off it it didn't go over very well..

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Art_Critic
Have you read some of his earlier threads? This has been an ongoing and deeper issue.

 

I certainly have, he was asking/ranting in this thread so I posted my advice for this thread instead of the others...

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Granted I do not know all the facts but I am feeling that GF set her daughter up for failure with her lack of follow through. It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??

 

Disagree with some of the other posters, this isn't your battle. And based on your previous threads, any input you might have will be discredited simply based on the source.

 

If you're going to stay in this relationship, I'd only interact with the daughter in issues that directly affect you. And even then, each instance will probably generate drama and tension. Seems to me a tough way to live...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Is she seeing a therapist for her food addiction? It sounds like she’s using food as a coping mechanism.

 

They went a while back. After a few sessions the therapist basically said she was fine and if you make an issue out of her eating and her weight then she will have an issue with her eating and weight.

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Changing eating habits is *really hard*. I'm not religious but the Serenity Prayer comes to mind:

 

grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference

 

I think it will serve you well to be more accepting of how they are, if they change their eating habits then great, but I wouldn't realistically expect it. Then you just need to decide if you can live with that

 

Change like that is something a person needs to come to a decision to on their own for themselves, they can't do it for anyone else

 

Agree. They have been trying to make changes and real change takes time. I do need to accept that this may be the norm. I should also be more proactive when I see a problem but recognize that it is really up to them.

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Does she just have a few more pounds, or is she obese?

 

Personally, I would say obese: 13 years old and 180lbs. Per the nutritionist, she gained 7 pounds in the last month.

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She probably is most of the time, but nobody's perfect.

 

Two steps forward....one step back....

 

Very true! Its not going to change over night and its a slow process. It felt like I was watching an accident waiting to happen...and it did.

 

GF rarely buys junk food or ingredients to make junk so that's progress.

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Disagree with some of the other posters, this isn't your battle. And based on your previous threads, any input you might have will be discredited simply based on the source.

 

If you're going to stay in this relationship, I'd only interact with the daughter in issues that directly affect you. And even then, each instance will probably generate drama and tension. Seems to me a tough way to live...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It is tough to stand on the side lines when "big things" are happening but Mom and Daughter ultimately have to work this out.

 

I think I need to support and encourage good behavior but also not be afraid to speak up when there are obvious behavior issues or looming pitfalls. Its tough to know your place.

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They went a while back. After a few sessions the therapist basically said she was fine and if you make an issue out of her eating and her weight then she will have an issue with her eating and weight.

 

Does this therapist specialize in food addiction?

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nittygritty

Has the girl had a physical from a doctor? Blood tests to rule out thyroid or hormone problems? A doctor telling her that she needs to eat healthier, exercise and lose weight may be more effective than mom (or mom’s boyfriend) telling her. Because all she may be hearing is my mom thinks I’m fat.

 

Who bought the ingredients for a cake to take to the cookout? That was a bad idea to begin with. A cut up watermelon or some other healthier food would have been better to take. It does kind of seem like your girlfriend made a mistake.

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amaysngrace

What's done is done but next time something like that happens I'd tout the efforts of the D at the cook out for making such a delicious cake then ask who would like some to take home?

 

The positive praise along with the act of sharing rather than hoarding her food may do some good.

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Does this therapist specialize in food addiction?

 

I have no idea. Her mom brought her. I am sure her mom is aware of the issues and I hope it was discussed but I was not there to say for certain.

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Has the girl had a physical from a doctor? Blood tests to rule out thyroid or hormone problems? A doctor telling her that she needs to eat healthier, exercise and lose weight may be more effective than mom (or mom’s boyfriend) telling her. Because all she may be hearing is my mom thinks I’m fat.

 

Who bought the ingredients for a cake to take to the cookout? That was a bad idea to begin with. A cut up watermelon or some other healthier food would have been better to take. It does kind of seem like your girlfriend made a mistake.

 

Yes. From what I know she has been to a Dr. Mom bought cool whip and fruit for the cake. Everything else was made from scratch. I did bring over a watermelon. In hind sight, the watermelon would have been the better option.

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What's done is done but next time something like that happens I'd tout the efforts of the D at the cook out for making such a delicious cake then ask who would like some to take home?

 

The positive praise along with the act of sharing rather than hoarding her food may do some good.

 

I like this idea. There were a ton of desserts left over but I love the idea...anything but take the stuff home.

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BTW, you sound like a pretty cool gut looking out for her...

 

Have you thought about stepping on some toes and going beyond where you think you should to see what the reaction/action would be like ?

 

Thank you! I wish this wasn't an issue and I wish we could go through life like a normal family. This situation is challenging, draining and seems to kick me in the ass every time I let my guard down.

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Do you think you could just...stop caring about her weight and eating habits? I know you care about her health and her well-being, but maybe this is an issue you can purposely unburden yourself of. It's a sensitive situation, and you don't seem to be in a position to do anything about it. Leave it up to mom to handle it, and just try to love the kid as she is. This is important. Just love the kid. You don't have to care if she's fat.

 

And when mom vents/complains to you about this issue, just listen. You don't have to fix it. You don't have to offer solutions. I think mom is a big part of the problem. She doesn't really seem to have the discipline to guide any real lifestyle changes with her daughter, but she vents about it to you, and it makes you feel like you have to do something about it. No. This is not your issue to fix, and as a matter of fact, you trying to fix it could make things worse. A thirteen year old girl doesn't need to know that an adult man thinks she's too fat or eats too much.

 

But if you can't help yourself, and can't stop caring so much, then why not see one of the nutritionists/counselors/therapists that have counseled her previously? Daughter doesn't even need to be there. You can get a professional's opinion on how you should handle this.

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Do you think you could just...stop caring about her weight and eating habits? I know you care about her health and her well-being, but maybe this is an issue you can purposely unburden yourself of. It's a sensitive situation, and you don't seem to be in a position to do anything about it. Leave it up to mom to handle it, and just try to love the kid as she is. This is important. Just love the kid. You don't have to care if she's fat.

 

And when mom vents/complains to you about this issue, just listen. You don't have to fix it. You don't have to offer solutions. I think mom is a big part of the problem. She doesn't really seem to have the discipline to guide any real lifestyle changes with her daughter, but she vents about it to you, and it makes you feel like you have to do something about it. No. This is not your issue to fix, and as a matter of fact, you trying to fix it could make things worse. A thirteen year old girl doesn't need to know that an adult man thinks she's too fat or eats too much.

 

Well-said and, Otter2569, a way forward in general for you. Being a stepparent figure is all about a having a copy of the Serenity Prayer closeby with an emphasis on "the wisdom to know the difference"...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I remember that you’re not happy the girl’s mother has gained quite a bit of weight. Do you think your gf’s weight is your core issue?

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I remember that you’re not happy the girl’s mother has gained quite a bit of weight. Do you think your gf’s weight is your core issue?

 

Interesting question... I feel the issue for me is being with people who should do more to improve their well being (weight) yet have bad eating habits and in some instances exhibit reckless (sometimes unsafe) behavior when it comes to obtaining and consuming junk food.

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