Otter2569 Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 This morning I learned that good friends lost their 19 y/o son last night in a motorcycle crash. This is so sad and shocking... What in the world could you possibly do to help anyone in a time like this? We live in a small town, they are very nice family, our kids grew up together etc. I imagine they want time with family to process what has happened but I also want to let them know I feel their loss and provide some support. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Just show up. Hug them. Cry with them. There is nothing you can do or say. Mutter I'm so sorry over & over. Being there is the only thing right now. In the months to come hopefully they will find their way to a support group for parents who have lost a child but now hugs & a shoulder to cry on is all there is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 I have been crying all morning. This is not going to be easy but I am heading over... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I am so very sorry for your loss. Be strong for your friends & come back here when you need a boost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 listen to them when they need to share their stories about their child ~ and definitely offer up any memories you have of him, because they will treasure each and every one of them ... long after he's gone, believe me, these new glimpses into his life from those who knew him not only keep his memory alive, they reveal new things about their son to them. I know that's been the case when someone shares a memory of my brother or of my parents, it's something else "good" to add to what I have of them. some people throw themselves into the mundane to get through this ~ they stay on top of bill-paying, keeping the car clean, etc ~ while others find it hard to even remember to do those things. If you see that happening, step in and help. They'll be operating on automatic because their world is up-ended, and your help will be appreciated. something I've done is sent Mass offerings to the family's church, in which a particular Mass is celebrated in memory of a person. It's a way to let the family know that their loved one is being remembered not only by you, but by the community of believers. This is a Catholic "thing," I am not sure if other faith traditions have something similar, but if the family are believers, it might be worth looking into. same thing with memorial contributions ~ did he have a favorite charity or pastime that you might be able to contribute in his memory? Since he was only a few years out of school, his classmates may be planning to do something; you might could loan your support to that. mostly, though, I think the most loving thing you can do for his parents is to "share" him with them through memories ... the worst feeling someone can have is worrying that people will forget the one you love ... I am so sorry for y'alls loss ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 How sad . This happened to a friend of mine a couple of months ago. It wasn't their son, but it was their daughter's boyfriend (died while working out), and the hurt is far-reaching. I think the best thing you can do is simply be there, but not just now. 6 months from now. A year from now. 2 years from now. When other people are afraid to say his name for fear of triggering pain, but all they want is to know that their son is remembered. (If you want to do something tangible and are a good enough/close enough friend right now, look up some meal organizing sites online. They are free and enable to you to set up a schedule with friends to bring them dinners.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Romantic_Antics Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 No parent should ever have to bury their child. I've dealt with it twice in my life (once as the boyfriend of a girl who was raped and murdered back when I was a teenager and again, to a lesser extent, with an uncle of mine who died before I was born) and can tell you that it has a devastating impact on the surviving family members that never fully goes away. It's much different than losing an elderly loved one and the grief can be almost unbearable at times. With that in mind, offer to be an ongoing source of strength and support for them. They're going to need it. You could also coordinate setting up a special, permanent memorial for him that the other members of the town can assist in. When my teenage girlfriend was killed, we planted a tree with a special engraved plaque in honor of her memory in the park behind her apartment. It meant a lot to everyone who knew her to have something live on after she was gone so you might want to consider doing something similar. Hang in there. My prayers and condolences go out to all of you who knew him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers and guidance. It is extremely helpful and very much appreciated!!! It was a very emotional visit but I think everyone felt a little better afterwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I'm glad you went to them. I lost my oldest brother in a drowning when he was a month shy of 19. It devastated my family but some people set up a football scholarship in his name that was given out at graduation in recognition of being an unsung hero. We come from a small town too and he was in the US Navy when it happened. I think it's a nice honor if others could come together to orchestrate something of that nature. I know my parents really appreciated it. Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted July 3, 2018 Author Share Posted July 3, 2018 I'm glad you went to them. I lost my oldest brother in a drowning when he was a month shy of 19. It devastated my family but some people set up a football scholarship in his name that was given out at graduation in recognition of being an unsung hero. We come from a small town too and he was in the US Navy when it happened. I think it's a nice honor if others could come together to orchestrate something of that nature. I know my parents really appreciated it. Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you! I am sorry about your brother. The loss of a young life is just so tragic. The feedback provided here is so insightful and helpful. I love the idea of doing something in his name: the fact that it keeps their memory alive and helps the family / community heal is very special. Because this is so fresh I will wait until after the memorial service floating any ideas. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 3, 2018 Share Posted July 3, 2018 Thank you! I am sorry about your brother. The loss of a young life is just so tragic. The feedback provided here is so insightful and helpful. I love the idea of doing something in his name: the fact that it keeps their memory alive and helps the family / community heal is very special. Because this is so fresh I will wait until after the memorial service floating any ideas. Thank you for your kind words. The way it was set up was that it was given every year until I graduated. I am 15 years younger than he was (I'm the youngest of my siblings) but back then the interest rates were much better and it lasted even longer than that. He was the oldest of six so each of us heard his name being honored at our graduations. It was really very special. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted July 7, 2018 Author Share Posted July 7, 2018 ...He was the oldest of six so each of us heard his name being honored at our graduations. It was really very special. That is very special...and touching 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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