Quintets Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 (edited) Hi all, I'm torn on how much I should tell the mother of my kids about my new wife. Tough situation. I'm on my second marriage and have two daughters DD12 and DD16 from my first marriage. My kids stay with my new wife and I three nights every two weeks. We've only been married a year and blended families is really hard work, especially with my eldest. Although she gladly helped out during the wedding, she's very stubborn and doesn't like the new home location across town and the new house rules. My new wife is much tidier than I was and the change isn't sitting well. The younger one gets along famously with my new wife. When we were married six months, things got bad. Unfortunately, my wife, experienced really bad bullying and harassment at work. It was so bad for her she tried to commit suicide, twice The first time, she got talked out of it, and checked herself into the mental health unit at the local hospital for 8 days. Then afterwards her boss was being a total dick about it and it triggered her again with another attempt a month later with a tablet overdose. She's a preschool director, and you need to be tough to handle 60 screaming kids. I knew there was some family of origin issues with her dad, but it seemd she'd gone a fair way towards reconciling. It happened when her father passed away, and the employer was bullying before, during and after the funeral. To make it worse, the employer was a senior church minister. Telling the Workers Compensation claim people was stressful enough to put her back in hospital. She's been in hospital 8 times. I've been really stretched trying to support her and she's gotten really needy. The psychiatrists had put her on meds and the first set made her really agitated and angry. She called my DD16 a "f*cking b*tch" and threw a glass of water at her for fighting about not taking showers and got really sensitive about how the girls set the tables for dinner. She was in the kitchen and smashed bowls and vases. When I called her on it to defend my kids, she got really angry that I wasn't supporting her. The tension with my daughter had been happening often enough that my wife was threatening to leave. The kids told their mom(my ex) and my ex was asking what the hell was going on and whether my house was safe for the girls. I told her about the bullying and the mental health issues and the old meds and tried to say everything was getting better. By then, we'd switched meds and my wife had calmed down a lot and even apologised to my DD16. All the same, my ex knew I was hiding something. I was hiding the suicide attempts, not suprisingly. My wife said the suicide part was none of my ex's business. A few months after the fight with my kids, my wife has been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder(C-PTSD). She's still not back at work yet. Should I have told my ex about the suicide? Or now even the C-PTSD? Q Edited June 23, 2018 by Quintets fixed timelines Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Your wife is extremely mentally ill. She is a danger to herself and others. She should not be around children. Yes you should tell your ex. Your daughters should not be around her. Protecting your kids should be your priority. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Because your wife's condition is effecting your children, their mother has the right to know what is going on, not all the details but that your wife is struggling & having a hard time. For the children's safety, can you alter your custody schedule? Keep the sleep overs to a minimum. It may help lower your wife's stress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyLibertyBelle Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Your wife is extremely mentally ill. She is a danger to herself and others. She should not be around children. Yes you should tell your ex. Your daughters should not be around her. Protecting your kids should be your priority. This is absolutely correct. There is no way you should allow your children near her and in fact I don’t think you are safe either. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 As a mother, I have to be honest and say that I would not allow my child to go back to a house where someone threw a glass at her and almost got her injured. So yes, I think I would want to know the extent of her issues and what exactly is being done to remidy them and how can I know that my kids are safe in that environment. As a father, do you believe your kids are safe in that environment? I advise you that, until your wife gets a handle on her problems, maybe spend some times with your daughters on your own away from the house? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 Your children should be your first priority. Most moms would not want their children anywhere near someone like your wife. She’s dangerous and volatile. It’s people like that who snap and end up killing everyone around them and then kill themselves. You’re taking a big risk putting your children in the path of this storm. I’d suggest that you talk to your ex about this and you both can make a decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 I agree, your ex needs to know - the kids safety comes first. Make sure your wife doesn't go back to that job. Make damn sure. Approach the bully boss and make sure that boss understands what they been doing is not right. Give your wife time to care for her own well being. Unfortunately you may feel isolated andali e for a while - but she needs time to recover and work through her traumas. That can take a long while even with weekly therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 You've only been married a year, I don't understand why you haven't put your kids first and why did you lie by omission to your Ex, those are her kids too. You certainly should tell your Ex and you should also listen to her about protecting the children. There is no reason I can think of that you should expose your kids to the chaos and suicide issues in your household. While I'm sure you want the best for your wife it certainly was your Ex's business about her suicide. What if she commited suicide and one of your kids had found her, that would change them for life. I'm not sure where you sit in the whole married one year and is this worth it talk you should be having with yourself but you might want to pay attention to the chaos this relationship is causing you and your kids and weigh getting out of it.. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 Make sure your wife doesn't go back to that job. Make damn sure. Approach the bully boss and make sure that boss understands what they been doing is not right. Quintets Don't go anywhere near the bully boss. This is a work problem & you don't work there. You said your wife was receiving workers' compensation. If you don't already have a workers' compensation lawyer, get one. Let that person advise your wife how to respond to the bully boss. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 The kids shouldn't be subjected to that. Your first obligation is to your kids not the new wife. If she stops cooperating with treatment or stops taking meds the way they were prescribed, you shouldn't keep her around. Believe me, the kids will tell your ex-wife, so you may as well beat them to it. She very well may petition for custody or temporary custody, and it's not a bad idea. Child Protective Services wouldn't sanction them staying in the home unless the new wife gets much better. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 Why are you referring to your current wife as step mom... it's very odd. Why wouldn't you refer to her in the title as your current wife? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 (edited) I'm torn on how much I should tell the mother of my kids about my new wife. Tough situation. I'm on my second marriage and have two daughters DD12 and DD16 from my first marriage. My kids stay with my new wife and I three nights every two weeks. Your ex, mother of your children has every right to know. If the situation was reversed and their step father tried to kill himself, wouldn't you like to know? Edit to add, okay I read the rest of your post, you tell your ex everything! Your kids are suffering and they shouldn't have to be around your wife when she is at her lowest and acting out abusively to them! When she is well again and on meds/doing therapy etc and can show she is stable and can handle being in your kids lives, your children shouldn't be living in the same house as her. It's not fair to them. Edited June 25, 2018 by whichwayisup Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 yes, you have to tell their mom. and see if you can get the 16yo a driver's license. they can drive over and visit and if your "wife" is "not receiving" they can drive away. good luck i can't name three men i know that would stick around for this woman. it's a LOT Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts