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Would you be Single Parent


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

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Old 22nd June 2018, 9:21 AM   #16
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I am a teenager of parents no longer together. My father was not fit to take care of me, my mother did not love him anymore and they went their separate ways, Life became much easier with just my mom and she proudly raised me by herself with no problem. I think it depends on circumstances, for me it worked out for the better.
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Old 4th July 2018, 3:39 AM   #17
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My thing is why are Men that not gung ho about raising kids on their own. Why don't I see/hear men trying to raise a child on their own.

I find women lean towards this most of the time.
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Old 4th July 2018, 7:15 AM   #18
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There are many men who successfully raise their child/ren on their own. One can find numerous parenting forums and groups online specifically for single dads. There are even groups on FB and other sites for fathers to arrange play dates with other single dads.

It isn't that men, in general, don't have any desire to raise children on their own, but more like society doesn't generally acknowledge how many men do it. (commercials generally tend to show the mom with kids, and aim products towards women more than men when it comes to baby products, etc).

It also doesn't help that many courts still lean towards awarding custody to mothers, even when they may not be the best option for the child/ren. Attitudes are changing though, and more men are able to get custody of their children. The idea of a man receiving child support, instead of paying it, is rarely talked about in parenting forums, or in general really. It happens, it just isn't very common. Men being forced to pay child support for a child they never get to see, now that is a common conversation, everywhere!

I think, in many ways, single fathers have a harder time raising children on their own, and are treated differently than single mothers. I've seen it personally. Single moms being complimented for raising kids on their own, and single fathers getting a sideways glance, and asked invasive questions about where is the mother. A few years ago, I was with a male friend at a park with his kids, and he was asked to leave (rudely) unless he had children playing. The person who confronted him did not approach any women, only men! He was treated like a predator, because he was a single dad at the park (as were the other 4 men there that day. All of them were confronted by the same lady as my friend. I do mean confronted, not asked. She was rude to all of them.). I doubt many women experience that kind of thing happening while playing at the park with their kids.

I have known quite a few single dads, and for the most part they worked as hard, if not harder, to raise their kids as any single mom I've known. Personally, I give credit to any single parent, man or woman, who is able to raise happy, healthy and well rounded children into adults. It is difficult enough in a two parent home!
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Old 4th July 2018, 1:25 PM   #19
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I did not read the replies, just the OP. YES, I would totally be OK with being a single parent if I couldn't find someone on time.



I was a single mom (not by choice) and my son and I had a wonderful time together, had caring friends and family, enough money to have great quality of life, and he had the happiest childhood. He's now 16 and away to San Francisco and he just texted me "I love SF, but I can't wait to be home to you, R (his step father) and the dogs"


I know what being a single parent means and I'd do it by choice. That is, if sufficient financial stability exists so that a good, happy and safe childhood can be offered to the kid.
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Old 4th July 2018, 7:09 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
For me. I have to have things done in a methodical way. So that means if a woman really wants to have a child with me and parent them. She has to be very loving/giving and physically affectionate to make that happen and it going to be at least a 3 yr road possibly 4.

Year One-Date and become BF/GF/ Yr 2 get into reality. Yr3- Live together/Engaged/Married. Yr 4 have a child if so desired. My Ex is 41.
Mysterio, your methodical way is only good for women who are much younger (more fertile) than your ex. If she'd stayed with you and done things on your timeline - which would mean STARTING to try and conceive at age 44 or so, the odds of her having children would be virtually zero.

I suspect that you don't have much understanding of women's fertility. Either that, or you don't care about their fertility timeline. The upshot is that at age 41, your ex had no time to lose.
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Old 4th July 2018, 8:37 PM   #21
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I would prefer a partner/husband before having a child personally.

A newborn is an awfully hard thing to manage even with a supportive partner and help. I know hard working mums who had their mums move in with them as soon as their infant came home frm hospital - AND they also had supportive spouses who also took time off to stay home in that first month..

They still never slept at all, felt very off and barely able to function due to literally not sleeping for weeks at a time. Even with help.

As crazy as it sounds - yes I WOULD absolutely be a single mum by choice IF I could not manage to find a man by age 35. I would have a good job by that stage (podiatry), and I would simply march right to an IVF clinic and conceive artificially. True love can come later - fertility has a time frame in which it is a reality.

If a woman worked hard and has a good career and can afford to support an infant financially with time taken off work in the early stages, why not?

Most women have a very innate drive to be mothers. In 2018 no one has a right to tell a woman that she should miss out on the joys of motherhood because her life is not X Y or Z.

I do draw the line at irresponsible parenting; if a woman is dirt poor and has no degree or career path at least lined up, and if she is never willing to put in effort to provide and fully intends to remain welfare dependant - then yeah, she is an idiot for breeding solo! It is all well and good if a poverty stricken woman finds a partner with a job - and can support a child when she fails to bring in any income.

In my case - my parents would be retired by age 35 and would gladly have stayed home with baby from early days to help me. It would NEVER be my first choice, and it may be rather selfish; on the other hand, if a woman can afford it and has a good job/degree/solid future career wise - then I do not see any lasting issues or traumas that would be sustained by way of single parenthood alone......

I feel lucky to have a partner and it would be very upsetting to have to bypass that intimate bond of child birth, pregnancy and raising an infant that is yours - TOGETHER - I would be very upset at losing out on that more complete experience of motherhood. Then again, I also know many relationships that are not true love based and where the lady fell pregnant by accident, and the guy feels stuck for life despite not actually loving their partners nor having ever been in love in the first place.

True love is rare, not just everyone feels a mutual spark and gets to end up with the people they actually feel the most excited about. I have written extensively about different types of falling in love, and a lot of relationships are more convenience based than they were love based.

True love and motherhood are not always concurrent and they CAN be mutually exclusive - sometimes the motherhood has to come first and the true love bit later, and that can end up making for a better life for all involved as opposed to say, settling with a man for convenience only to ONLY derive joy from a child and 0 joy from the actual relationship....

I know my first choice is to be in love with the father of my prospective child, but my second choice is a emphatically to have the child solo and love IT, and then find a man after the birth with whom I share true love with.

It looks a tad empty in a sense, my friend is in a loveless marriage with 4 young kids.... Sure, his work, friends and children make his life great.. But you know, it is a bit of a shame he misses out on sharing that true intimacy that developing true feelings for your partner also brings to the table. And yes he has came out and told me himself that he was suffering in silence in a loveless marriage. Yes we are just friends and he told me because he was very upset about it and didn't know who to turn to that (that wouldn't judge him or go running to tell his wife).

My approach is tailored to tick off the boxes: a child and a happy marriage, and a good job for both my and a spouse (good job not rich). So what if I do not do this all in the "usual" order?
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Old 4th July 2018, 10:24 PM   #22
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I pretty much completely agree with this entire post.

Careers first, marriage/partnership and lastly child is obviously the ideal situation but life doesnít always work that way. Fertility gives us very limited windows to be mothers, one can find love on the other hand in any point if their life. One can develop a good career later in life too.

So my first choice will be having a baby with my partner, but if this doesnít happen in the next 2 years (by 35), Iíll extract some eggs and see whether to do IVF immediately or buy a couple of years with freezing.

Being a single parent for a financially secure woman/man is nothing to be ashamed about. And probably the child will be much happier anyway with a single parent than with 2 parents in strained relationship...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh 87 View Post
I would prefer a partner/husband before having a child personally.

A newborn is an awfully hard thing to manage even with a supportive partner and help. I know hard working mums who had their mums move in with them as soon as their infant came home frm hospital - AND they also had supportive spouses who also took time off to stay home in that first month..

They still never slept at all, felt very off and barely able to function due to literally not sleeping for weeks at a time. Even with help.

As crazy as it sounds - yes I WOULD absolutely be a single mum by choice IF I could not manage to find a man by age 35. I would have a good job by that stage (podiatry), and I would simply march right to an IVF clinic and conceive artificially. True love can come later - fertility has a time frame in which it is a reality.

If a woman worked hard and has a good career and can afford to support an infant financially with time taken off work in the early stages, why not?

Most women have a very innate drive to be mothers. In 2018 no one has a right to tell a woman that she should miss out on the joys of motherhood because her life is not X Y or Z.

I do draw the line at irresponsible parenting; if a woman is dirt poor and has no degree or career path at least lined up, and if she is never willing to put in effort to provide and fully intends to remain welfare dependant - then yeah, she is an idiot for breeding solo! It is all well and good if a poverty stricken woman finds a partner with a job - and can support a child when she fails to bring in any income.

In my case - my parents would be retired by age 35 and would gladly have stayed home with baby from early days to help me. It would NEVER be my first choice, and it may be rather selfish; on the other hand, if a woman can afford it and has a good job/degree/solid future career wise - then I do not see any lasting issues or traumas that would be sustained by way of single parenthood alone......

I feel lucky to have a partner and it would be very upsetting to have to bypass that intimate bond of child birth, pregnancy and raising an infant that is yours - TOGETHER - I would be very upset at losing out on that more complete experience of motherhood. Then again, I also know many relationships that are not true love based and where the lady fell pregnant by accident, and the guy feels stuck for life despite not actually loving their partners nor having ever been in love in the first place.

True love is rare, not just everyone feels a mutual spark and gets to end up with the people they actually feel the most excited about. I have written extensively about different types of falling in love, and a lot of relationships are more convenience based than they were love based.

True love and motherhood are not always concurrent and they CAN be mutually exclusive - sometimes the motherhood has to come first and the true love bit later, and that can end up making for a better life for all involved as opposed to say, settling with a man for convenience only to ONLY derive joy from a child and 0 joy from the actual relationship....

I know my first choice is to be in love with the father of my prospective child, but my second choice is a emphatically to have the child solo and love IT, and then find a man after the birth with whom I share true love with.

It looks a tad empty in a sense, my friend is in a loveless marriage with 4 young kids.... Sure, his work, friends and children make his life great.. But you know, it is a bit of a shame he misses out on sharing that true intimacy that developing true feelings for your partner also brings to the table. And yes he has came out and told me himself that he was suffering in silence in a loveless marriage. Yes we are just friends and he told me because he was very upset about it and didn't know who to turn to that (that wouldn't judge him or go running to tell his wife).

My approach is tailored to tick off the boxes: a child and a happy marriage, and a good job for both my and a spouse (good job not rich). So what if I do not do this all in the "usual" order?
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Old 5th July 2018, 11:20 AM   #23
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only if you can explain to the child why you have a Dad, but the child does not ... think kids are just a theoretical add-on? then you haven't looked at this from the child's pov


so answer "where's my Dad?" and/or "if you have a Dad, then so should I"
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Old 8th July 2018, 3:19 AM   #24
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I just want to state some things, because I want you all to know the scoop.

In 2012. I met my EX. I was 41 she was 35. We dated for 5 months. At first it was great. Then towards the fall. She started talking about wanting kids. I felt that was way too much at that stage. We had a mini break up. Then we split for good. We remained friends.

She dated other guys. I since our break up in 2012. I have had 3 romantic prospects. AK in 2013. T in 2015 and In August 2017. I atempted to date a woman from my gym, but found out that she was married, so that was put to rest right away.

My Ex asked me 2 yrs ago if I would be willing to have a child with her. I apeased her by saying I would think about it. I should not have done it, but I was caught off guard. Anyways I said no. My reason is that I truly believe in myself and want and desire the conventional situation. That is. Date/BF-GF/Engagement/Marry. If all is well. Then its possible to bring a child into the world. I want any child I create to see their parents in a loving situation.

Her and I breaking up is this in a nutshell. She is more concerned bringing a bio child into this world, than connecting romantically with a partner. So for me projecting us as a couple. The raw truth. Her and I bring a bio child into this world. We are not connected and we fall apart. I need a lot of physical affection to feel connected and bond with a woman. She is not like that. Or at least a quarter of her is. The other guys that she has dated since me. I think they get that as well. So they all let her go or stopped trying with her.

At this point. I don't know if she and the guy she was dating are a couple or there she had Artificial insemination worked. Since March. I had seen her once with a friend when I was driving some where else and I talked to her a couple of days ago, as I had some personal info to tell her about something.

So I guess I will know the scoop in the fall when the baby is due. I think its a Donner situation. There are no traces of a man that is caring for her.

Anyways. Once again. All the men I know that are fathers is because of a marriage/Divorce. Not having a bio kid with a woman that they have no romantic ties with, and being a father like that.

Good for her and she has waited enough. I just feel for me. I want the loving relationship first before kids come into the picture if thats even a possibility.
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Old 8th July 2018, 3:31 AM   #25
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At this stage of my life. I would say that I lean away from having kids. I have no facination with that at all at least 75%. So its going to take a great woman, to pump up any desire to have kids with her. I just don't think about.
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Old 24th July 2018, 11:14 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by thefooloftheyear View Post
Its selfish, IMO...

There are just vital life lessons and experiences kids get from both parents...No man could be a perfect mom and no woman could replace a father...Even if the parents don't get along, its still best that there are both influencing a child's life..



TFY


This is very hetero normative. What about lgbtq couples that adopt or use in vitro?

What about single parents of either gender that seek out strong healthy influences of the other gender through aunts/uncles, grandparents, church community, coaches etc?

Several ways to fulfill that influence
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