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Old 23rd March 2018, 7:51 PM   #31
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My husband told me that he was locked in his bedroom at night until he was about 5. He calls it the "locked in, locked out" principle. Kids are locked in at night when they are toddlers, and locked out of the adults' bedroom. Safety alone is a good reason to do it....
OMG, Don't do this....

Scaring the crap out of your child isn't being a good parent...

Safety.. what about your child's mental well being..

There are many other ways to help a child stay in their room, my own son for example has never had his door locked ONCE and he has always slept in his own room, every night but he ALWAYS has access to us anytime he needs us.

We had a rule that stated he needed to go to sleep each night in his own bed and if he got up in the middle of the night and felt scared or lonely he could come in our bed.. ANYTIME...

I can't imagine all the emotional issues we would have had to deal with if we had locked him in his room and scared the crap out of him each night.. man....

I'm in my middle 50's and am not raising a child that is pampered.. but he is respected and loved and he is growing up just fine, good grades, funny, loves sports and a great kid..
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Old 23rd March 2018, 8:35 PM   #32
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OMG, Don't do this....

Scaring the crap out of your child isn't being a good parent...

Safety.. what about your child's mental well being..
I don't have personal experience with this, since I basically wasn't parented. However, my husband is fine. I've asked him specifically about it, and he told me it made no difference to him. It seems to be fine for his kids too, so I'm not sure where people get the idea that it "scares the crap out of" kids. What are they afraid of at night? (I'm not criticizing, I genuinely would like to know what the common issues are...)

When I was that age, the only thing that scared me was the place where we lived. The whole house (bad area). A locked door wouldn't have changed that one way or another. When I was scared, I was too scared to get out of bed at all! For my husband, it was snakes. So before he was put to bed, his dad checked under his bed for snakes. I can imagine that it is necessary to change what you do if your child has a specific fear (claustrophobia, for example), but I just can't see this as a blanket rule.

Of course, my husband's kids have a pretty good sense of his omnipresence. We've been married almost four months, and I've noticed that he's up a lot at night....tending things, checking things. I think the kids understand this and feel safe because of it.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 8:40 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by major_merrick View Post

As for the bathroom...who doesn't have a lock on their bathroom door?
Actually I don't right now because the doorknob was put on backward. So my kids could actually lock me IN the bathroom if they wanted to lol. My kids are teenagers, though, so it's not an issue. I'm usually in the bathroom being supervised by a dog and two cats.

Anyhoo, please report back to us in 2 years and let us know how the whole bathroom privacy thing is going when you have a toddler who doesn't ever want to leave you alone .

As far as the other stuff, yeah, some parents are SUPER strict about the bedroom and never letting kids into it. If you have a child who is not a good sleeper and you're constantly having to take them back to their bedrooms 5 and 6 times a night, you end up giving in just to get some sleep. (And even if you DO choose to lock your child in a bedroom, you'll probably still have a baby monitor to hear the wailing!) To each their own. With the kind of lifestyle you have, sexually speaking, it's going to be best to not let any children near your bedroom I would imagine. My daughter walked in on my exH and I more than once and it was just the two of us having sex, not extras in the mix. She was traumatized enough by that!
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Old 23rd March 2018, 8:42 PM   #34
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What are they afraid of at night? (I'm not criticizing, I genuinely would like to know what the common issues are...)
Usually the dark, and monsters. And just generally being alone.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 8:50 PM   #35
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Usually the dark, and monsters. And just generally being alone.
Yeah... that's about it..

When the parents wake up at night they have each other in bed, they can snuggle or lay a leg over the other but what does a kid have when he wakes up and is told to stay in bed or locked in their room, nobody but loneliness...
The people they want and need are over there snuggled in a bed together sleeping just fine...

I will say that my Son wasn't a trouble with his sleeping habits and him coming in bed in the middle of the night was just fine and as he got older he stopped even coming in at all unless he is sick, scared or just had a bad dream so I can't really speak to having a child who won't go to bed in their own bed and what to do but I doubt locking the door is the right answer...
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Old 23rd March 2018, 8:55 PM   #36
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When the parents wake up at night they have each other in bed, they can snuggle or lay a leg over the other but what does a kid have when he wakes up and is told to stay in bed or locked in their room, nobody but loneliness...
Now that my kids are teenagers, I look back and wonder why anyone ever tells someone they are "holding their baby too much." "You're going to spoil that baby!" Babies are literally glued to their mothers for 40 weeks, then thrust out into a cold world and be expected to just be OK being "alone." What a rude awakening!
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Old 24th March 2018, 6:26 AM   #37
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Wow, locking a kid in their room? I see more safety issues with this then leaving the door open. What if there's a fire? What if they start choking or throw up and they can't leave the room to wake you up?

My daughter goes to sleep in her room. She knows she has to sleep in her room, it's a safe and comfortable place for her. She's not afraid of the dark or monsters, however, sometimes she has a bad dream or there's a thunderstorm going on and it scares her because she's a 7 year old little kid. When that happens she comes into my room and we snuggle together and she instantly feels better.

My kid is entitled to her mother at any point during the day or night if she needs me.
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Old 24th March 2018, 7:06 AM   #38
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I don't have a lock on my bathroom door. We have a funny technique called "knocking on the door" instead. Likewise we've never had a lock on the bedroom door. Yes, one of our children has caught us in coitus a couple of times, but she learned how to knock.

I would never lock children in or out of a room. Supervision and support are both way more important than privacy.
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Old 24th March 2018, 7:12 AM   #39
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The kids don't own your life, and you need at least one room in the house besides the bathroom where you can close the door and be left alone for a bit.
Are you seriously suggesting that it's OK to leave toddlers or young children in a house unsupervised while mom and dad take "time out"? I'd be reporting someone who did this to child services - heaven knows what type of harm unsupervised little ones could cause to themselves.
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Old 24th March 2018, 8:01 AM   #40
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Are you seriously suggesting that it's OK to leave toddlers or young children in a house unsupervised while mom and dad take "time out"?
No kidding. When my son was 4 1/2 he opened his bedroom window, climbed out, and dropped 20 feet to the (thankfully) fluffy grass below because he didn't want to take a nap. He was in his bedroom with the door closed (not locked) and I was elsewhere in the house. I'd have felt SO guilty if his door had been locked and he'd done that! I already did feel guilty for not having a child safety lock on his window. I still tear up thinking about what could have happened that day. Ironically, the same day, a little boy in the cul-de-sac we lived in choked on a hot dog and his mother, a nurse, had to give him the Heimlich. We could have had two awful tragedies that day .
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Old 24th March 2018, 8:59 AM   #41
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Oh lord, I can't imagine anything more unsafe than locking a bedroom or bathroom door and leaving toddlers unsupervised in a home. I'm reluctant to even go to the bathroom or run to the kitchen without watching them... often leave the bathroom door open, for that reason.

And, I was probably about 12 the last time that I slept in bed with my parents. I went through a phase where I was having difficulty handling stress and was having insomnia. I used to sneak into my parents room (so not to wake them), and gently touch her shoulder... she would startle awake (hated that) and then I would crawl into bed and finally get some sleep. I was anxious and sleeping next to her was very calming...

My brother used to do the same. When he was younger, he would sneak into their bed at night. They grew frustrated and told him no more... so they would wake every morning to find him sleeping on the floor at the base of their bed.

I can't imagine living in a home where I wasn't allowed in my parents bedroom...
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Old 24th March 2018, 9:10 AM   #42
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I'm reluctant to even go to the bathroom or run to the kitchen without watching them... often leave the bathroom door open, for that reason.
Right. If you have the luxury of another responsible adult (or older child) in the home to keep an eye on the toddler while you go to the bathroom, or maybe even take a shower (!), great! Most people do not have that luxury all of the time. And we all have our stories to tell about things our toddlers got into when we weren't looking!!
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Old 24th March 2018, 9:41 AM   #43
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Right. If you have the luxury of another responsible adult (or older child) in the home to keep an eye on the toddler while you go to the bathroom, or maybe even take a shower (!), great! Most people do not have that luxury all of the time. And we all have our stories to tell about things our toddlers got into when we weren't looking!!
So true. Shower? When they go to bed...

One of my best friends has three kids. When she went back to work, I asked her how she liked it and if she missed being at home. Her answer - "It's great! I can go to the bathroom anytime I want and nobody bothers me! What's not to like!"
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Old 25th March 2018, 1:36 AM   #44
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With the kind of lifestyle you have, sexually speaking, it's going to be best to not let any children near your bedroom I would imagine. My daughter walked in on my exH and I more than once and it was just the two of us having sex, not extras in the mix. She was traumatized enough by that!


Usually the dark, and monsters. And just generally being alone.
Yeah, the sex thing has definitely crossed my mind. Nobody should be traumatized by walking in on their parents doing it. The thing is, many sources of advice about relationships state that regular sex is beneficial if not necessary for a good relationship. There are a number of people here on LS who complain about not having enough sex in their relationship, and that it leads to marital strain. With that in mind, isn't a locked door necessary to set up a situation where sex is possible, thus reducing strain on the relationship and reducing the likelihood of a breakup? I would think that having a locked door is a small price to pay for having two loving parents.


As for the fears, I can definitely see kids being afraid of the dark. But why not let them have some light at night? I have often wondered about the whole "monsters" thing. How do kids become afraid of monsters? Does someone tell them there are such things?

In the OP's case, the loneliness issue is somewhat solved by the two kids rooming together. My husband's kids share bedrooms as well. I can imagine it might be more difficult for an only child.
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Old 22nd May 2018, 6:36 AM   #45
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My boyfriend has a 7 yr old daughter and 10 year old son. They sleep in same bed together. The little girl cant sleep alone. She was sleeping with daddy before I came along a little while ago. Who knows I think when Im not tgere she is sleeping with daddy. When the kids are with their mother all 3 sleep in same bed. Is it just me or is this messed up? I might have mentioned to my bf that he needs to address this issue before his son gets too much older. Like its just so weird
since i separated and got divorced from the orphans father, i've never had a man in my house when the kids were home. ever. not for coffee and certainly not for a sleep over. i don't trust anyone around my girls since the number one offender against young girls is mommy's new boyfriend. plus i didn't want my ex using it against me in court.

when the kids were little we had a california king bed and i worked nights. late nights. i'd get home and everyone including the dog would be in the bed. i loved it.

this continued for years. my husband would want privacy and we'd get it by having a lock on the other bedroom door, we called this room the office and once the kids were *secure, we'd tell them we had "work" to do in the office. omg, lol.

the kids had bed and rooms. as time went by, we'd put them to bed. sometimes they stay there, sometimes they come back and sometimes we go get them.

i can't imagine not wanting them close to me. and certainly they know they are always welcome especially, like others have said, if they re lonely, afraid or not feeling well.

i'm not sure if you're implying that the 10 year old is too old to sleep with his sister? are you thinking his body is changing? that something physical beyond his control could happen to his body while he sleeps??

if, so. i'd keep that to yourself.

i think what you might be trying to say is that, children that feel lonely in the night or ones that have fears and anxiety in the dark most learn to "self sooth"?? and you'd you be right.

mommy and daddy are not going to want huge kids snoring and farting in their beds forever. and mine stopped coming in once they started doing sleepovers with other kids and saw how some kids go to bed in their own rooms.

my advice to you is to stop going over there when the kids are there. they have enough to deal with shleeping back and forth.

just spend time with him when they aren't there.

and.....

start thinking about how he can make the children's room more inviting. new bunk beds. pretty comforters, night lights, stuffed loveys. whatever it takes to help them achieve a comforting bedtime ritual.

see where this is going???

eventually they will want their privacy, all kids to.

they need a door of their own, to slam in our faces when they can't get their way.

*when my first was tiny i put her in the stoller and set it in the bathroom doorway so i could see her while i was in there. later i put them in their crib or the swing to get a few mins alone without having to worry about their safety.

there is no way i'd leave kids free in my house and there is no way anyone ever got to "lock" ANY door.

well, except the office.
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