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Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

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Old 22nd March 2018, 2:09 PM   #16
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I really just think you should stop dating the guy. You've only been seeing him for a couple of months and you hold a lot of judgements towards him and his kids. I'm not saying your judgements are wrong or right, I'm saying the fact that you feel such judgement indicates that this is not a good match for you. He is not going to change himself or his kids for the sake of your happiness. What you see is what you get and you obviously don't like what you see so why are you continuing in this doomed relationship?

As for his kids sharing a bed I don't really see a problem. When I was a kid my mom was a flake who often sent me away to live with other people. My favorite people to live with were my grandma and my uncle. My uncle was only 3 yrs older than me and to me he was my brother. My grandma didn't have an extra room for me so my uncle and I shared his room. We had our own beds but until I was about 8 or 9 I would often get into bed with him. With my life being so chaotic because of my immature and irresponsible mother, my uncle was my security. He was my safety and my best friend. The last time I lived with him was when I was around 11 and he was 14. We still had to share a room but by then I had naturally become more independent and no longer had any need to climb into his bed. But when I was little and he was my one beacon of love and security I'm glad nobody turned my innocent need to feel safe into something dirty.

I ask for feedback because I have no experience dating men with children. I do have a 19 year old son who I raised on my own. I have no way of knowing how other parents raise kids, especially co-parenting from a divorce situation. So that is why I ask. No relationship is perfect, and that is why I'm not running out the door. I think if this little girl has a genuine need and is not just seeking attention, then she should sleep with daddy, not her 10 yr old brother who is entitled to some privacy. I was just curious what others would say.
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Old 22nd March 2018, 5:01 PM   #17
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Of course, this must also be viewed in the context of being the ultimate in First World problems. Throughout history and even now in different cultures or for poorer western people, having separate rooms for kids of different sexes is a luxury - not a necessity.

The 10yo is entitled to a roof over his head, love, food and education. A room to himself is just a luxury. If he needs privacy, there's always the bathroom.
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Old 22nd March 2018, 5:45 PM   #18
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Of course, this must also be viewed in the context of being the ultimate in First World problems. Throughout history and even now in different cultures or for poorer western people, having separate rooms for kids of different sexes is a luxury - not a necessity.

The 10yo is entitled to a roof over his head, love, food and education. A room to himself is just a luxury. If he needs privacy, there's always the bathroom.
Agreed. Especially when it comes to split families - do both parents need to have 3+ bedroom home? Unrealistic in most cases.

And if the boy himself hasn't personally complained to you, there's no reason to make a problem out of this.

When it comes to dating someone with kids - most things are common sense. Respect the boundaries - be a nice, friendly, caring figure in their lives, but when it comes to parenting, disciplining, choices and decisions - you stay out it. These kids have two active and involved parents in their lives and they run the show.

At this point, this early in the relationship, you can act the way you would act if they would the children of a close friend.

Just because you have a son, that doesn't mean you can make it your mission to educate people on parenthood. I have a great daughter as well but it would never cross my mind to dish out unsolicited advice on where kids should sleep, what they should eat and how they should be disciplined.
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Old 22nd March 2018, 6:05 PM   #19
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I have no way of knowing how other parents raise kids.
Write this on a post-it note and put it on your bathroom mirror, or wherever you will see it most often .

An open mind is going to be your best friend if you're dating someone with kids. What you did with your child was probably awesome, but it's not the ONLY way of rearing kids.
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Old 22nd March 2018, 6:11 PM   #20
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I was about to do the whole, "you're not a parent" thing but I see you are. So never mind that.

I think any time you talk parenting you have to inoculate it with culture as cultural norms vary so greatly. So with that being said, white American father here...

Speaking from experience, it isn't that unusual for kids up until maybe 11 or 12 to want to spend nights in their parents beds. I know both of my daughters would come into my bed in with some degree of regularity until they were about 11. I've dated women who basically had the same thing - until 11 or so.

But - I do think it is important for the kids to have their own room(s) and sleeping in the parent's bed isn't the de facto sleeping arrangement but rather the exception (albeit a frequent one).

I will echo others in saying you do seem to be overly judgmental about this guy and his relationship with his kids in this and other threads. I have to tell you - it probably comes across this way to him as well. You might want to think about throwing in the towel on this one as casting judgment on another's parenting strategy is a quick road to ruin.
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Old 22nd March 2018, 6:42 PM   #21
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I kind of get some of what you're saying. I live in a house with my husband's bunch of young kids, so I'm learning more about how a family with normal parents works....

I would be more weirded out about the idea of the kids sleeping in the bed with a parent possibly. Kids under about age 12-13 sleeping together is pretty normal. For me at least, I have a rule (and I thank God my husband has it too...) that kids just don't go anywhere near the adults' bedroom. There should be boundaries, if for nothing else than your own sanity. The kids don't own your life, and you need at least one room in the house besides the bathroom where you can close the door and be left alone for a bit.

I would suggest that if the kids continue to share a bedroom for whatever reason, that your bf build a set of bunk beds. It is easy to do, and helps keep the status quo for a bit and transition everybody out of the current arrangement slowly.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 10:12 AM   #22
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I will echo others in saying you do seem to be overly judgmental about this guy and his relationship with his kids in this and other threads. I have to tell you - it probably comes across this way to him as well. You might want to think about throwing in the towel on this one as casting judgment on another's parenting strategy is a quick road to ruin.


I am going to give it more time to see if I can get used to dating a guy with kids. However he chooses to raise them, they are HIS. I get it. Thanks for your insight. It's actually easier for me if I am not "involved" with parenting them. Piece of cake right?
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Old 23rd March 2018, 10:13 AM   #23
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you need at least one room in the house besides the bathroom where you can close the door and be left alone for a bit.
It's cute how you think parents of little ones actually have this luxury.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 10:22 AM   #24
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Most cultures outside the US sleep in “family beds”...there have been countless studies that show it's extremely beneficial...kids that slept in family beds were found to wait longer to become sexually active & often go on to have healthy adult relationships vs kids that have always slept alone. They have found that family beds give kids more of a reassurance of love & closeness & makes them more secure to which they aren’t those kid’s running around in their adulthood looking for that type of intimacy.

I greW up sleeping in a family bed, on nights my mom was gone, my little brother would come sleep with me...now my own kids sleep with my husband & I...my husband didn’t have that with his family growing up & absolutely loves sleeping with all of us. My oldest just finished high school in the winter, is now in the military & on certain nights still sneaks in...we laugh when we wake up & see her in the bed. It’s not weird, my oldest is extremely independent & secure in herself.

I think It’s great you’re looking for opinions vs just coming to your own conclusion in a situation that’s foreign to you...just don’t get caught up in the whole “this way is wrong or right” bc there is no wrong or right when something works for a parent & their kids...it’s called “to each is own”. Good luck
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Old 23rd March 2018, 10:30 AM   #25
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As soon as they get a bit bigger and cause either of the parent's a bad nights sleep they will work on a resolution.

My son is 10 and has slept in his own room forever, but if he is sick or a bad dream/storm happens he will jump in our bed and it ruins our sleep.. it was cute when he was young, back then he cuddled.. now he puts his feet on my back and pushes me off the bed.. hahaha

Your BF's kids are just wanting to be close to who they love...
Think about it...
A child wakes up in the middle of the night.. the only people they trust and love are on the other side of the house, how frightening that must be for someone who watched their parents split up

They are just trying to feel safe and be close to who they love, and as Basil posted it will work it's self out on it's own and if it doesn't they will be big enough they will ruin their Dad's sleep and he will start the weening process.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 10:36 AM   #26
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It's cute how you think parents of little ones actually have this luxury.

Even the bathroom is a pretty dicey proposition when it comes to privacy.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 10:36 AM   #27
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For me at least, I have a rule (and I thank God my husband has it too...) that kids just don't go anywhere near the adults' bedroom.
That will change before long, you will see and they do run your life..
When you see a little baby or child trying to make it in life you realize they can't do it themselves.. you are who they count on every single min of every day to be able to make it..

When your own child who is sleeping in their own bed comes to you at 2 in the morning with a fever and is sick you let them in your bed, and when they vomit all over your sheets you throw those in the wash and put on a new set then put them back in your bed...

I can't imagine what life would be like for a child to never be allowed to be near the people they love during the night when they wake up.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 10:36 AM   #28
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Even the bathroom is a pretty dicey proposition when it comes to privacy.
I was just going to say this...
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Old 23rd March 2018, 12:24 PM   #29
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That will change before long, you will see and they do run your life..
When you see a little baby or child trying to make it in life you realize they can't do it themselves.. you are who they count on every single min of every day to be able to make it..

When your own child who is sleeping in their own bed comes to you at 2 in the morning with a fever and is sick you let them in your bed, and when they vomit all over your sheets you throw those in the wash and put on a new set then put them back in your bed...

I can't imagine what life would be like for a child to never be allowed to be near the people they love during the night when they wake up.
I agree. Plus, me and my daughter love to get cozy on the weekends and watch movies in my big bed. I can't imagine prohibiting her from entering a room in her own house where she lives.
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Old 23rd March 2018, 7:39 PM   #30
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It's cute how you think parents of little ones actually have this luxury.
Cute? Hardly. It's a marriage-saver. I wonder how many divorces in the USA could be prevented by people making their marriage and sanity a priority, and making boundaries clear.

I'm no wonder-parent (I'm only a sort-of parent until this fall), but it seems like kids these days get do to things that previous generations didn't. Neither my husband or I remember EVER bothering our parents in their bedroom. It is no wonder that parents often complain about being unable to be intimate with each other. How can you, if kids wander in and out of your room at will?

My husband told me that he was locked in his bedroom at night until he was about 5. He calls it the "locked in, locked out" principle. Kids are locked in at night when they are toddlers, and locked out of the adults' bedroom. Safety alone is a good reason to do it....I'd be scared that a toddler could drown in the toilet or fall down the stairs at night if they were allowed to wander at will after bedtime! He sets firm boundaries with them, and it is crystal clear that the adults' room is off limits at all times. At least with his kids, it has worked so far. I will get to see what happens this fall when MY rowdy genes get added to the mix...

As for the bathroom...who doesn't have a lock on their bathroom door?

I wonder if there is a correlation between societies that have "family beds" and lack of domestic space or poverty. Closeness in that case would be a necessity. I can't imagine choosing that unless that was how you grew up.
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