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I donít think I love my daughter


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Old 14th February 2018, 1:46 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
4 year olds operate with 4 year old brains, not 24 year old brains. They are 100% incapable of knowing what a "good look" is. She behaves that way because she's desperate for her daddy's attention .
I meant not a good look for me. Not her. I know she canít help it.
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Old 14th February 2018, 2:24 PM   #17
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Have you and the mom put an actual custody order in place? Normal visitation is every other weekend and two weeks in summer and holidays.


I could say you were a horrible person blah blah blah but I see a little of my husband in you. He accidently got a girl pregnant when he was 18 & he had ZERO desire to be a dad. He tried to do the good dad thing..seeing him here & there but he was young, selfish, and wanted to party. He actually ended up going three years without seeing his child and then one day he woke up & grew up, He reached out to the mom & luckily she was kind enough to let him back in his child's life. His child is an adult now and my DH & the child have an amazing relationship & my DH loves his child very much. My DH just needed time to grow up.


If the mom is making you have the child every weekend that does not give you your free time and I could see why you would maybe resent the child a bit. If you do not have a custody order I would get one in place & start with normal visitation. That way you can still be a positive part of your child's life but have sometime to grow up yourself.
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Old 14th February 2018, 3:12 PM   #18
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Okay dude, I'll help you unpack it. We are going to unpack it in a certain order. It has to be in this order because if at any time you say "yes" you have your answer - we stop. There is no "yes, but..." when it comes to this. Okay? Got it? Hear me out

Disclaimer: I'm a father of two daughters.

Duty: What are you obligated to do?
Question #1: Is her mom a bad/dangerous mother?
Notice I didn't ask if she was a good mom. Just a bad mom. A dangerous mom. Are there drugs involved? Is she wantonly neglectful of your daughter? Does she put your daughter in dangerous situations or around dangerous people? Etc...

If you answer yes to this question, then stop right there. Your duty as a father, as a man and as a human is to ensure that your daughter isn't raised by a harmful parent. Period. I don't care if you didn't want your daughter. I don't care how she came about. Your duty as her father is to make sure she's not in a dangerous or destructive situation. So if you answered yes, then you need to exercise your paternal rights and either get your daughter into a better situation (grandparents etc) or man up and be a good father. That means more time not less. Sorry - your wants, needs and desires don't matter at this stage.

Question #2: Are you a dangerous dad?
I'm not talking about whether you're caring or compassionate - we'll get to that later. I'm talking about whether you pose an existential danger to your daughter. Are you an addict? Are you abusive? Sorry to ask this but - are you a pedophile? Do you keep company that poses a danger to your daughter's safety?

If your answer is yes then it is your duty to remove yourself from your daughter's life until you can clean yourself up so you aren't a threat to your daughter. Period.

Assuming you said no to this question as well, we turn to:

Desire: What should you do?
Question #3: Are you incapable of ever being compassionate with your daughter?
If the answer to this is yes, then you should remove yourself from your daughter's life. It is obvious she has bonded with you but not you to her. If you continue this, your daughter will constantly be seeking your love and that will never happen. She will grow up seeking affirmation, validation and love to an unhealthy extent from other men. You will have screwed her up before she even got a chance at a healthy life. Meet with an attorney, find out what you can do to remove your parental visitation rights. Confront and force it through with the mother.

Question #4: Can you be a good dad?
Look deep inside. Can you be a good dad? Even if you don't feel it. Can you be a positive influence on your daughter's life? If so, you probably should continue to be in your daughter's life. If you can improve her situation or upbringing, then you should.

Question #5: Would you be a better parent than her mom?
This is where we get into all of the intangibles and it is just a gut call. We've already established that neither of you are threats. Now it is just a matter of deciding who can be a better parent. If you can be a better parent than her mom, then you should be. If not, then....

If you got here by answering "no" to all of the questions above: then you should do what you want. And that sounds like leaving or reducing yourself in your daughter's life.

Saying Goodbye: If you decide to leave your daughter's life you must do this. I don't care if you have to method act this, you have to do it. You need to sit down with your four year old daughter and tell her that you love her very much. You love her so much that you are going to have to go away and not see her anymore because there are things with your life (make something up) that aren't good for her and you don't want anything bad to ever happen to her. Don't promise you'll come back. Just make sure she knows that you love her, that she didn't do anything wrong and that you are going away to make sure she is safe. I guarantee that she will think she's done something bad or wrong and you have to change her mind.

Final Note: Look man, I'm going to say some hard words here but I think you need to hear them. You seem very self absorbed, selfish, immature and uncaring. That might just be your age. Or your situation in life. Or the fact that you feel this situation was forced on you. Doesn't matter. If you got to the bottom of that unpacking and are still trying to figure out what to do, do yourself a favor and take some time to get real with yourself. Look deep inside and see if there is anything there that you don't know about. If you're religious, go talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, imam - whatever your flavor. Do some personal development. Take the Landmark Forum. Go to a Tony Robbins event. Just take some time to step away from all of the BS stuff you listed and ask yourself what sort of man do you want to be. Make a good decision. For your daughter. For her mother. And yes, for yourself. You're drawing with permanent ink here buddy and your decision will impact the lives of many including your grandchildren someday.

Best of luck!

Mrin
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Last edited by Mrin; 14th February 2018 at 3:16 PM..
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Old 14th February 2018, 4:13 PM   #19
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speaking as somebody who never knew their dad, it affected my faith in men, and left me choosing unavailable men, so I was always in love with somebody who hurt me

this took almost a lifetime to correct within myself

your daughter did not ask to be born, while you must have enjoyed the procreation process

she will get less demanding as she grows fully out of babyhood and further into high school etc
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Old 14th February 2018, 4:34 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Globug View Post
...luckily she was kind enough to let him back in his child's life
whew, she sure was!

kids are not a thing that you can put aside, on hold, while you're growing up.

Quote:
If you do not have a custody order I would get one in place & start with normal visitation.
actually - that is the recommended MINIMUM.

every other weekend and two weeks in summer are not nearly enough time to make a real connection with a child - you're not being a parent with that little time, just a guest in your child's life. NORMAL custody looks a couple of times a week, every other weekend, half of summer and other holidays. and that's a STRETCH because 50% of the time is what most a child most benefits from, according to science.

if he doesn't feel like being a father and doesn't love his daughter - he should let go and the mother should address it with the court and take his parental rights away. that way she protects both herself and her child from a Dad of the Year bouncing back, years later, with a new mommy in hand - ready to suddenly play family and push the real mother out. and usually, it's a success - i've seen it play out so many times; mothers/fathers care for their kids alone only to lose primary custody because the deadbeat parent married into a good house.

when the daughter is an adult, she can make the decision about her relationship with the OP herself.
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Old 14th February 2018, 4:40 PM   #21
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Can you stick it out for another couple of years?

I did what your ex did for a few years after the divorce and refused to negociate the schedule of visits (that's twice a month for a 24h visit). He tries to do fun stuff with them to avoid parenting them, which, when my children were little, would make him be the best dad ever.

They are now a little older and have cottoned on to the fact he's a shyt dad all by themselves, without my input, which is what I was hoping for. I don't put any pressure on him to come see them anymore as a result, because I know the kids are ready. He's taken full advantage by slow fading them.

They're much less bothered than I thought, luckily, and have come to terms with having a second rate father all on their own. This may be your ex's strategy. Unless you want to harm her unnecessarily, pretending to like her for another few years may be enough for her to see the light on her own.

Last edited by littleblackheart; 14th February 2018 at 4:45 PM..
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Old 14th February 2018, 5:11 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by minimariah View Post
whew, she sure was!

kids are not a thing that you can put aside, on hold, while you're growing up.



actually - that is the recommended MINIMUM.

every other weekend and two weeks in summer are not nearly enough time to make a real connection with a child - you're not being a parent with that little time, just a guest in your child's life. NORMAL custody looks a couple of times a week, every other weekend, half of summer and other holidays. and that's a STRETCH because 50% of the time is what most a child most benefits from, according to science.

if he doesn't feel like being a father and doesn't love his daughter - he should let go and the mother should address it with the court and take his parental rights away. that way she protects both herself and her child from a Dad of the Year bouncing back, years later, with a new mommy in hand - ready to suddenly play family and push the real mother out. and usually, it's a success - i've seen it play out so many times; mothers/fathers care for their kids alone only to lose primary custody because the deadbeat parent married into a good house.

when the daughter is an adult, she can make the decision about her relationship with the OP herself.
Iíve tried giving up my rights the mother wonít let me.
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Old 14th February 2018, 5:14 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Mrin View Post
Okay dude, I'll help you unpack it. We are going to unpack it in a certain order. It has to be in this order because if at any time you say "yes" you have your answer - we stop. There is no "yes, but..." when it comes to this. Okay? Got it? Hear me out

Disclaimer: I'm a father of two daughters.

Duty: What are you obligated to do?
Question #1: Is her mom a bad/dangerous mother?
Notice I didn't ask if she was a good mom. Just a bad mom. A dangerous mom. Are there drugs involved? Is she wantonly neglectful of your daughter? Does she put your daughter in dangerous situations or around dangerous people? Etc...

If you answer yes to this question, then stop right there. Your duty as a father, as a man and as a human is to ensure that your daughter isn't raised by a harmful parent. Period. I don't care if you didn't want your daughter. I don't care how she came about. Your duty as her father is to make sure she's not in a dangerous or destructive situation. So if you answered yes, then you need to exercise your paternal rights and either get your daughter into a better situation (grandparents etc) or man up and be a good father. That means more time not less. Sorry - your wants, needs and desires don't matter at this stage.

Question #2: Are you a dangerous dad?
I'm not talking about whether you're caring or compassionate - we'll get to that later. I'm talking about whether you pose an existential danger to your daughter. Are you an addict? Are you abusive? Sorry to ask this but - are you a pedophile? Do you keep company that poses a danger to your daughter's safety?

If your answer is yes then it is your duty to remove yourself from your daughter's life until you can clean yourself up so you aren't a threat to your daughter. Period.

Assuming you said no to this question as well, we turn to:

Desire: What should you do?
Question #3: Are you incapable of ever being compassionate with your daughter?
If the answer to this is yes, then you should remove yourself from your daughter's life. It is obvious she has bonded with you but not you to her. If you continue this, your daughter will constantly be seeking your love and that will never happen. She will grow up seeking affirmation, validation and love to an unhealthy extent from other men. You will have screwed her up before she even got a chance at a healthy life. Meet with an attorney, find out what you can do to remove your parental visitation rights. Confront and force it through with the mother.

Question #4: Can you be a good dad?
Look deep inside. Can you be a good dad? Even if you don't feel it. Can you be a positive influence on your daughter's life? If so, you probably should continue to be in your daughter's life. If you can improve her situation or upbringing, then you should.

Question #5: Would you be a better parent than her mom?
This is where we get into all of the intangibles and it is just a gut call. We've already established that neither of you are threats. Now it is just a matter of deciding who can be a better parent. If you can be a better parent than her mom, then you should be. If not, then....

If you got here by answering "no" to all of the questions above: then you should do what you want. And that sounds like leaving or reducing yourself in your daughter's life.

Saying Goodbye: If you decide to leave your daughter's life you must do this. I don't care if you have to method act this, you have to do it. You need to sit down with your four year old daughter and tell her that you love her very much. You love her so much that you are going to have to go away and not see her anymore because there are things with your life (make something up) that aren't good for her and you don't want anything bad to ever happen to her. Don't promise you'll come back. Just make sure she knows that you love her, that she didn't do anything wrong and that you are going away to make sure she is safe. I guarantee that she will think she's done something bad or wrong and you have to change her mind.

Final Note: Look man, I'm going to say some hard words here but I think you need to hear them. You seem very self absorbed, selfish, immature and uncaring. That might just be your age. Or your situation in life. Or the fact that you feel this situation was forced on you. Doesn't matter. If you got to the bottom of that unpacking and are still trying to figure out what to do, do yourself a favor and take some time to get real with yourself. Look deep inside and see if there is anything there that you don't know about. If you're religious, go talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, imam - whatever your flavor. Do some personal development. Take the Landmark Forum. Go to a Tony Robbins event. Just take some time to step away from all of the BS stuff you listed and ask yourself what sort of man do you want to be. Make a good decision. For your daughter. For her mother. And yes, for yourself. You're drawing with permanent ink here buddy and your decision will impact the lives of many including your grandchildren someday.

Best of luck!

Mrin
No, Iím not abusive or a pedophile. I recreationally engage with substances on occasion. Never with my child, and yes the mother knows. Iíve tried not taking her and her mom freaks out and makes me.
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Old 14th February 2018, 5:45 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Cool frank View Post
No, Iím not abusive or a pedophile. I recreationally engage with substances on occasion. Never with my child, and yes the mother knows. Iíve tried not taking her and her mom freaks out and makes me.
How does she "make" you? Does she drop the child off on your front porch and leave her?
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Old 14th February 2018, 6:19 PM   #25
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So you have been having your daughter full-time every weekend since she was born? How did you nurse her when she was a baby? Did you change her diapers and feed her in the middle of the night? Did you bathe her? Have you ever relied on a babysitter or your folks to help take care of the baby?

I also think it makes sense for you to have her one day each weekend or every other weekend and make up for rest with some week nights. Does the mother work? If yes, who's taking care of the little girl during the daytime on week days?
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Old 14th February 2018, 6:43 PM   #26
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I agree with some who have suggested an every other weekend visitation schedule with your daughter.

You need a free weekend without your daughter and in your place I'd do what it takes to get one. Such as to tell your child's mother that you may need to contact an attorney to get the ball rolling to get every other weekend free.

You could see your daughter for a couple of hours mid week at best to make up for it. Or if you're not ready for that, which it sounds to me as if might be the case, limit it to every other weekend.

I know some young divorced dads who are crazy about their kids, yet still need that every other free weekend. That might be part of your problem with your daughter right there, even though it seems to you it's her attitude and personality.

I agree with CO who said something like the reason your daughter resents the attention of any other female toward you is because she is desperate for you.

If you hate your daughter, of course, do as Mrin said and tell her you are going to be away for awhile due to your wanting to protect her.

But, you sound like a decent guy who just doesn't have the feels and/or has some resentment about becoming a dad this early under these conditions. In your place I'd get with a counselor or pastor and work this thing out with him. You just don't realize the importance of a good dad on a child.

Also, could you post a little about your own relationship with both your mom and dad? Do you have a relationship with your father?

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 14th February 2018 at 6:45 PM..
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Old 14th February 2018, 6:45 PM   #27
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I wish I had useful advice, but this thread just makes me sad.
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Old 14th February 2018, 7:01 PM   #28
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After reading CO, June and LWP, I realise I was projecting on you, OP and read your post too literally - my apologies.

Maybe it really is a simple case of you needing a breather at the w/e - does your daughter's mother work at the w/e? Why does she not stay with her mother for any w/e?
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Old 14th February 2018, 7:13 PM   #29
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Iíve had her every weekend since she was old enough to not need her mom. When she was first born I stayed with them to help. I tried to get her mom to be my girlfriend and she didnít want me. So, I went home.

Mom parties on the weekends, doesnít work. When she does go to her little preschool thing, she takes her. I picked her up once when she was sick.

Theyíve been calling asking to come over because apparently she made me a valentine and wants to give it to me. I donít even want them here. So I havenít responded.
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Old 14th February 2018, 7:14 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrin View Post
Okay dude, I'll help you unpack it. We are going to unpack it in a certain order. It has to be in this order because if at any time you say "yes" you have your answer - we stop. There is no "yes, but..." when it comes to this. Okay? Got it? Hear me out

Disclaimer: I'm a father of two daughters.

Duty: What are you obligated to do?
Question #1: Is her mom a bad/dangerous mother?
Notice I didn't ask if she was a good mom. Just a bad mom. A dangerous mom. Are there drugs involved? Is she wantonly neglectful of your daughter? Does she put your daughter in dangerous situations or around dangerous people? Etc...

If you answer yes to this question, then stop right there. Your duty as a father, as a man and as a human is to ensure that your daughter isn't raised by a harmful parent. Period. I don't care if you didn't want your daughter. I don't care how she came about. Your duty as her father is to make sure she's not in a dangerous or destructive situation. So if you answered yes, then you need to exercise your paternal rights and either get your daughter into a better situation (grandparents etc) or man up and be a good father. That means more time not less. Sorry - your wants, needs and desires don't matter at this stage.

Question #2: Are you a dangerous dad?
I'm not talking about whether you're caring or compassionate - we'll get to that later. I'm talking about whether you pose an existential danger to your daughter. Are you an addict? Are you abusive? Sorry to ask this but - are you a pedophile? Do you keep company that poses a danger to your daughter's safety?

If your answer is yes then it is your duty to remove yourself from your daughter's life until you can clean yourself up so you aren't a threat to your daughter. Period.

Assuming you said no to this question as well, we turn to:

Desire: What should you do?
Question #3: Are you incapable of ever being compassionate with your daughter?
If the answer to this is yes, then you should remove yourself from your daughter's life. It is obvious she has bonded with you but not you to her. If you continue this, your daughter will constantly be seeking your love and that will never happen. She will grow up seeking affirmation, validation and love to an unhealthy extent from other men. You will have screwed her up before she even got a chance at a healthy life. Meet with an attorney, find out what you can do to remove your parental visitation rights. Confront and force it through with the mother.

Question #4: Can you be a good dad?
Look deep inside. Can you be a good dad? Even if you don't feel it. Can you be a positive influence on your daughter's life? If so, you probably should continue to be in your daughter's life. If you can improve her situation or upbringing, then you should.

Question #5: Would you be a better parent than her mom?
This is where we get into all of the intangibles and it is just a gut call. We've already established that neither of you are threats. Now it is just a matter of deciding who can be a better parent. If you can be a better parent than her mom, then you should be. If not, then....

If you got here by answering "no" to all of the questions above: then you should do what you want. And that sounds like leaving or reducing yourself in your daughter's life.

Saying Goodbye: If you decide to leave your daughter's life you must do this. I don't care if you have to method act this, you have to do it. You need to sit down with your four year old daughter and tell her that you love her very much. You love her so much that you are going to have to go away and not see her anymore because there are things with your life (make something up) that aren't good for her and you don't want anything bad to ever happen to her. Don't promise you'll come back. Just make sure she knows that you love her, that she didn't do anything wrong and that you are going away to make sure she is safe. I guarantee that she will think she's done something bad or wrong and you have to change her mind.

Final Note: Look man, I'm going to say some hard words here but I think you need to hear them. You seem very self absorbed, selfish, immature and uncaring. That might just be your age. Or your situation in life. Or the fact that you feel this situation was forced on you. Doesn't matter. If you got to the bottom of that unpacking and are still trying to figure out what to do, do yourself a favor and take some time to get real with yourself. Look deep inside and see if there is anything there that you don't know about. If you're religious, go talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, imam - whatever your flavor. Do some personal development. Take the Landmark Forum. Go to a Tony Robbins event. Just take some time to step away from all of the BS stuff you listed and ask yourself what sort of man do you want to be. Make a good decision. For your daughter. For her mother. And yes, for yourself. You're drawing with permanent ink here buddy and your decision will impact the lives of many including your grandchildren someday.

Best of luck!

Mrin
your post is so full of thought so insightful so just ...so just.so caring..its on repeat from me..wonderful post...deb
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