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Message to stepparents that hate their stepkids


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I see all these posts about stepparents that hate their stepchildren and they complain that their spouses don't take their side. I don't get it, why get so riled about it? If you don't like the child (young, that is) don't marry the parent. They're a packaged deal. Even if the stepparent is young and they didn't want to be stepparents so young, then why did they marry the bio parent in the first place? If the child has a problem then the stepparent gets p i ssed off about it and wants to send them away thinking "it's not my problem" and when they do leave, it's "i'm glad they're gone. now I get ME time." get over it, already! It's what you signed on for. When you married the parent, you signed on to be a stepparent to the child and also deal with the child's other parent. There's no two ways about it.

 

but then again, some people are weak. The parents that is. I'm a 26 year old mother. I have two sons and a daughter. My husband died a few years ago. I date sometimes, but when I won't let things get serious if the person I'm dating isn't willing to accept my children. And actually like them. My kids are my life. And it's my job to take care of them. Keep them (as much as I can) from ketting hurt. and that includes people that I date that "doesn't like" them.

 

My children won't always live with me. I know that I'll meet someone to spend my life with, but for now my children are my life. I can get married even when my children are still young, but my husband WILL like them. If my chilren has a problem, my husband WILL try everything, like I will, to help them overcome the problem. We won't ship them off to a family member and say "good riddance, thank god for my space." That's just cruel. To me at least. And if a child heard the parent or stepparent say that? Not really good for the self esteem, which the parent is supposed to be helping build.

 

I see posts on here and I get sickened. But then again, this is a place where you vent and rant and just let ur emotions out. But I can't honestly understand how someone can look at a child, wether their a toddler, an elementry schooler, in junior high, or what, I don't understand how a stepparent can hate them or be jealous of them. It's sick.

 

but with me, no one will ever come close to intefering with my relationship with my children. I'm not love-starved enough for that. I can always find someone else because my children do have feelings. When someone I'm in a relationship with even starts to get a negative attitude with my children, then we're done. I don't spoil my children. I'm not the type of parent that gives in to everything my chilren want. I don't spend outrageous amounts of money on them or make them think theyre right about everything. I am, though, the type of parent to protect their well-being. I can't even think of marrying someone who wouldn't do the same.

 

That's why before someone gets married to someone with children, they should build a relationship with the child before the wedding. Then they wont be complaining that "my stepson/daughter hates me" or "i hate my stepchild" or "my H or my W thinks my stepchild is "perfect" and won't discipline them". The child didn't chose the stepparent. The stepparent chose to be the stepparent (in most cases) and then they complain about it later. It's like jumping into marriage without thinking about what your life will be afterwards. You marry a parent andyes, you have all these visions of aloneness and romance and spontaneous candlelight dinners and sleeping in till 1 on Sundays, but also think about the chilren. They're forced into the situation. They have no say in most cases. Children have feelings also. It seems that stepparents fail to remember that. The chilren react to how they know the stepparent feels. I've been there. Like students not respecting a teacher that screams at them for no reason, showing no respect. I won't expect my chilren to be nice and respect someone who shows no respect for them. It's not a one way street.

 

All of this should be dealt with before you get married. That way nobody gets hurt. The child wouldnt be trapped in a situation with a stepparent that hates them and the parent wouldn't be at loss about what do do. "who do i chose? my hubby/wife? or my child?" but I see it this way.

 

People can get divorced and find someone they love and want to be married to. People can have more chilren. But children don't choose their parents. When they get older, they can choose to not talk to them or whatever, bu tthey only get one shot at it.

 

 

But anways, that was my vent, rant, whatever.

 

And I'll welcome any angry comment (or all the angry comments) with open arms. That is, if people send comments. But if not, I just hope that his post was read. It's a tad bit long, though lol

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I completely agree. My dad was married twice after my mom, & my first step-mom loved me like I was her own & still to this day spend as much time with her as I can & they've been split for 11 years, but my second crack head step-mom hated me & was SO jealous of me. She has 3 kids of her own.....well 4 but she gave up one for adoption b/c it was a mixed baby & she didn't want a mixed baby in her family. (stupid b*tch) I hate this women, Although my dad wasn't never really around after him & my first step-mom split, but I went a few years w/out seeing my dad & when I finally did see him & had found out he married her like 2 years before. (wonderful huh?) She even tore up all my baby pictures he had of me & all the pictures of me & him when I was a baby. I still hate this woman thank goodness he's not with her anymore. Although I still haven't seen him in alittle over 2 years, he's always been a deadbeat. But my moms husband whom she's been with since about 1 year after her & my dad split loves me to death. He's a great person & considers me more of his own than his own 2 kids who doesn't have anything to do with him b/c of their stupid mom who is a complete b*tch. (he still sends them money every month, well the one who is still under age, whom he doesn't even KNOW is really his b/c the mom is a slut) Grrrr That subject just pisses me off.

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I can't fathom ANY reason for stating that you hate a child. I've seen it twice here on LS alone. It's one of the most horrific things that can come out of someone's mouth.

 

Originally posted by RecordProducer

My ex-husband had a daughter from his first marriage. I hated her. He spent all his time with her, she was a spoiled brat, an unbearable kid, and whatever I would do for her was no good.

 

When you say it, you appear very immature. Like you've just let a five year old get under your skin. I mean, come on.

 

I have a step-mother. I have a step-father. I am a step-mother. You learn a balance that comes with time and knowledge. That's not granted to you on day #1 in book form. I'm sure it takes YEARS to perfect it, especially when the ex-wife/mother is a head case. And sometimes, you may never perfect it.

 

It's not always perfect. If the world were perfect, none of us would be divorced in the first place.

 

It's also not a just add milk kind of thing. It's not a one easy step recipe to happiness. Love comes over time, sure (if it ever comes at all). But don't hate a kid. If you hate a kid, I can't help but to think that you're part of the problem.

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think about it,

 

and is their anything else to say on the issue?

 

maturity is one of the biggest factors, and unfortunately many people are under the assumption, that since they are of the age to procreate (or recreate), that it somehow makes them adult, and mature.

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Well I'm a single Mom to 2 Little People..

 

It still blows my mind how many Guys will act as if they've just been asked to submit an application for position of Dad when I tell them I have Wee Peeps.. and then it blows thier mind when I let them know that 1) I don't need a Dad for my Kiddo's, they have one already and 2) They wouldn't be qualified even if the position was open :laugh:

 

Seriously.. My Kid's are amazing little people and thier opinions and thoughts on people matter a great deal to me.

 

My BF has 2 Kiddo's as well.. and they are both also amazing kids.. I would never try to be his kids Mom (the position isn't open, they have a good Mom) but I am crazy about his Kids and they know I am.. and they are crazy about me :love:

 

I have always told my EXH that it's good to go with whom ever he chooses to have a relationship with AS LONG AS who ever it is, is cool with my Kids... that I better never hear of anyone being an a**h*** to my Kids or yeah Mama's gonna whip some ass! :laugh: and I've always told my BF that all I expect is what he would expect of me as well with his Kids.. that he's good with my Kids and a Friend to them.

 

I wouldn't allow anyone to be in my life if my Kids didn't like them or if the guy seemed uncomfortable that I have my wee peeps..

 

Just my 2 cent's

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Exactly. I used to work with a woman who had married a guy who had been divorced and had a two year old child. She didn't want children and almost didn't marry him because of the girl. At the time I met her the child was 13. The wife was spoiled terribly by the husband and he would have done anything if she would have offered to have a child of their own. She was much too much into her house, her yard, tanning and exercising. She didn't want to work, and any time and money he spent away from her she was jealous of. Once, the child needed extra money for cheerleading and since he and the ex split expenses he was asked to pay half. I think it was about 150 bucks. She went nuts, saying that if she wasn't working then he wouldn't have had the extra money and that she would quit her job so they wouldn't have extra money like that. This guy was just head over heels for her and she really treated him like crap. He got so upset because she pitched a fit. He went out and bought her flowers and a fancy watch and brought it to work. After he left she was giggling saying I knew I could get something out of this. I was so angry. I looked at her and I said, "Look, don't ever have kids- because you are not capable of the sacrifice it takes to be a good wife, much less a good mother". I then went on to rant about how she knew he had this child when she married him. Surprise, she later went on to leave him for another guy- after this husband had let her quit her job and such!

 

I saw one instance where a girl married a guy and they didn't know he had a child previously. I can get someone being upset about that and having trouble adjusting but geeze, how can someone be jealous of a child? I don't get it.

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Yea @ tiki, i read that thread as well with record producer sayin she couldnt stand her step child...

 

thats a thing that i couldnt/cant understand, is why do folks get in relationships know their bf/gf have kids, dont like them, but yet still get married, and complain about how they are jealous (subtly) and how they "HATE" their step-kids...I literally say to them wtf where u thinkin, that if u and them got married the kids would just vanish in thin air :mad:...

 

ok ok so children dont like everybody they meet on the first day, but that dont mean scratch them off and dont try to get to kno the kids and put them on the people i hate list..i mean children warm up to u after awhile...but to be jealous of a kid that was their "before you" is just ridiculous and immature as most above has said.. i mean how could you not love kids tho, their little short adults with big heads that smell like candy all the time:love: ...their adorable and cute, funny, and just a joy to be around and bring out the best in you....

 

people can act so dumb i swear...its jus plain and simple, if you dont like kids at all, dont date a person with kids..if u like kids, but dont like the person your dating kids, then dont marry them..thats like a person knowing the person they want to have sex with has HIV, but yet they still do it without a condom..its ya own fault, u can prevent it, dont do what you dont like doin...

 

but its tru that some are so love struck and in-need of another love that their kids cant give them, that they dont see any wrong...i hate parents who put their needs before their childrens..that kind of love is not worth the pain and sufferin a child may experience from that...

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They think they can change the facts. You can't. Fact is, your H had another marriage. Fact is, your H has a child. Get over it or move on!

 

I love my child. I remember him being a baby. I even thought his peepee soaked diapers smelled good. :love: You just love your child!!!! Everything about it.

 

Step-children love has to grow. You don't love them the first time you lay eyes on them, as you did with your biological child. It's just different. It grows. It needs a foundation and lots of good stuff to grgow to love.

 

Don't ever hate a child.

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What if the child is evil?? I mean even Mcauly Caulkin's (sic) mother in "the good son" let that little bastard drop over the cliff...and he was her BIOLOGICAL son.

 

 

Everyone who hated home alone cheered at that point I think.

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Originally posted by Merin

I wouldn't allow anyone to be in my life if my Kids didn't like them or if the guy seemed uncomfortable that I have my wee peeps..

 

Merin, you're awesome. :love:

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Originally posted by Mr Spock

What if the child is evil?? I mean even Mcauly Caulkin's (sic) mother in "the good son" let that little bastard drop over the cliff...and he was her BIOLOGICAL son.

 

 

Everyone who hated home alone cheered at that point I think.

 

LOL...you're right. I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule.

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Originally posted by Treasa

Merin, you're awesome. :love:

 

Thanks Sista :)

Love my Little People! :love:

My Baby's bday is tomorrow! Whoo!

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I unfortunately have to say I hated my exboyfriend's teen son. He's a selfish, sneaky, devious, rude, immature punky kid who couldn't be trusted yet my ex thought he was an angel. The kid got caught red handed stealing and my ex refused to believe it and shrugged it off.

 

Needless to say when he proposed marriage I said "NO WAY IN HELL!" - I ran the opposite direction.

 

I don't blame the kid - I blame my ex who basically has no clue how to be a father or role model. I hate them both.

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Originally posted by Camille

I unfortunately have to say I hated my exboyfriend's teen son. He's a selfish, sneaky, devious, rude, immature punky kid who couldn't be trusted yet my ex thought he was an angel. The kid got caught red handed stealing and my ex refused to believe it and shrugged it off.

 

Needless to say when he proposed marriage I said "NO WAY IN HELL!" - I ran the opposite direction.

 

I don't blame the kid - I blame my ex who basically has no clue how to be a father or role model. I hate them both.

 

sure you blame the kid, you said yourself you hate them both

 

its very difficult for many parents to even acknoledge tha ttheir children might have any sort of problems at all.

 

much less themselves

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  • 1 year later...
sure you blame the kid, you said yourself you hate them both

 

its very difficult for many parents to even acknoledge tha ttheir children might have any sort of problems at all.

 

much less themselves

 

ive read all the comments and trying to get some insight how i should be feeling ,my wifes 2 boys fell to a monster inlaws money offering and so called better life when she got divorced and they packed up and left their mum to which she was absolutley devestated.I had known her and helped her through that stage and became really good friends and soon after married.She had always said the boys would never live with her cause she cant provide the lifestyle their grandmother provides and for 12 months after they had no interest in doing so.

 

then after a few fights and waking up to the realization that the grandmother only got them to live with her was to manipulate them and their mother they decided to leave and move back in where we both treated them like real people.

 

I got along ok with the eldest boy who was 16 at the time and the younger one just couldnt relate at all to me and was always argumentive but i always spoke kindly regardless.

 

for the next 6 years theve emotionally battered my wife and at any chance of having to clean up after themselves or take responsibility for their actions they go running back to their grandmother for sympathy and live with her for a few months.

 

ive always tried to just stay out of the firing line with them but im getting so frustrated now with even the little things and have no idea what to do.

i now have a 5 year old girl of my own and both boys adore her which is great,but when they yell at their mum in front of thier sister the hairs on the back of my neck just go up,when the eldest bums around the house at 22 without a job ,

 

gets pissed and rings us up at all hours of the night to bail him out of getting beaten up by bikies and drug issues and continally leaves a trail of mess in every possible room even my bedroom ,it just is pushing me over the edge,i dont like my wife being treated like that,i dont like my daughter hearing and seeing all the ****/drunkedness and dramas and i dont like living in a house that i cant sleep in without being waken at all hours and then having to clean up after all the mess because he refuses to.

 

my wife feels she has to make a choice between me and the kids and i dont want her to have to do that.

 

her son now hates me and doesnt listen to even can you clean up the broken glass on the floor that he spilt, but is happy to ask me for money or to drop him into to town or buy his dog food etc.

 

when i bring it up with my wife its just a drama and she gets all upset.

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhh amd i being childish ? somebody help me

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ive read all the comments and trying to get some insight how i should be feeling ,my wifes 2 boys fell to a monster inlaws money offering and so called better life when she got divorced and they packed up and left their mum to which she was absolutley devestated.I had known her and helped her through that stage and became really good friends and soon after married.She had always said the boys would never live with her cause she cant provide the lifestyle their grandmother provides and for 12 months after they had no interest in doing so.

 

then after a few fights and waking up to the realization that the grandmother only got them to live with her was to manipulate them and their mother they decided to leave and move back in where we both treated them like real people.

 

I got along ok with the eldest boy who was 16 at the time and the younger one just couldnt relate at all to me and was always argumentive but i always spoke kindly regardless.

 

for the next 6 years theve emotionally battered my wife and at any chance of having to clean up after themselves or take responsibility for their actions they go running back to their grandmother for sympathy and live with her for a few months.

 

ive always tried to just stay out of the firing line with them but im getting so frustrated now with even the little things and have no idea what to do.

i now have a 5 year old girl of my own and both boys adore her which is great,but when they yell at their mum in front of thier sister the hairs on the back of my neck just go up,when the eldest bums around the house at 22 without a job ,

 

gets pissed and rings us up at all hours of the night to bail him out of getting beaten up by bikies and drug issues and continally leaves a trail of mess in every possible room even my bedroom ,it just is pushing me over the edge,i dont like my wife being treated like that,i dont like my daughter hearing and seeing all the ****/drunkedness and dramas and i dont like living in a house that i cant sleep in without being waken at all hours and then having to clean up after all the mess because he refuses to.

 

my wife feels she has to make a choice between me and the kids and i dont want her to have to do that.

 

her son now hates me and doesnt listen to even can you clean up the broken glass on the floor that he spilt, but is happy to ask me for money or to drop him into to town or buy his dog food etc.

 

when i bring it up with my wife its just a drama and she gets all upset.

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhh amd i being childish ? somebody help me

 

How should you be feeling? Like you should run for the hills. I'm sorry, but yours is the first post to this thread that was worth the paper it require to print. I totally understand where you come from. My SD, who is 20, as been a thorn in my side since before we met. She was 1 when her parents divorced, so she can't think it is my fault. When her Dad I were dating, but prior to us having met (we dated 10 months before meeting her) she would insist that he call her WHILE on each date with me, tell her what we were doing, and then plan "their exact same date", when they would go out together and do exactly what we were doing. We couldn't go out, if they couldn't go out, or if he couldn't call her while on our date. Later, when we would do things all together, she would grab our hands, pull them apart, and say "I'm holding Daddy's hand", and he would smile & say "ok princess". She would take my seat if I got up, if I put a beverage in the frig, she would go drink it, she take my things (comb, lipstick, polish) if I left them on the bathroom counter, when we would get in the truck, she would actually run out to get in the middle to sit between us. She was 15 then. When her Dad & I moved in together a year later, she told him that I was mean (I made her pick her blanket up off of the sofa at 2:00pm (she slept on the sofa the night before because she "wanted to be closer to Daddy" than she is in her bedroom, as the livingroom is about 5 steps closer to our room then her room is. Because I am sooo mean, she "isn't comfortable around me", and wont come over when I am there unless she needs money. Not that she doesn't work, she does, 7 hours a week, and takes 2 college classes a semester, and Daddy pays for her school, books, car, insurance, cell phone, room & board, even though her school is only 15 miles from her house, she "doesn't want to drive to school". From day one, I treated like my own children, even better. I have since stopped. I no longer have anything to do with her. She only mentions me when she is complaining that I didn't buy her something. I stopped buying her things as she never, ever said thank you. She came over at Easter this year, and wouldn't talk to me because I didn't fix her an easter basket. Well, why the hell would I? She is almost 21, can't even be bothered to hi to me, or thank you for the last 6 easter baskets I fixed for her, doesn't talk to me, tells people that I am "too mean to discuss" because I make her pick up a blanket, yet, I should be happy to run out and spend my hard earned $ on her ungratful ass?!? I don't think so. Hell, her Dad should do that, not me, I'm not her parent.

I wish things were different for, I had of course pictured us being a big happy brady bunch family, as I have kids, girls who are 20 & 21, and a son who is 23. In the almost 7 years we have been together, my kids have seen her twice, and both times she was extremely rude to them. My daughter asked me once if she had done something to offend SD, as she was rude to her and rejected her at every turn, and she wanted to apologize, but wasn't sure what she had done to upset SD. I had no answer for her, because, I don't know the girls problem is, other than she has a disney dad who has raised a princess.

Ok, I got off track here, but, I just wanted to let you know that you are not an evil person, and you are ok to have the feelings you have. No matter how you try, you can not force someone to like you, or even be civil to you, kids included. If you love your wife, you just do your best to detach from the skids, and focus your energy on yourself, your wellbeing, and your relationship with your wife. Otherwise, RUN FOREST< RUN!!

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to be jealous of a kid that was their "before you" is just ridiculous and immature as most above has said.. i mean how could you not love kids tho, their little short adults with big heads that smell like candy all the time:love: ...their adorable and cute, funny, and just a joy to be around and bring out the best in you....

 

With all due respect, I found it kind of hard not to laugh at this. I agree that kids are absolutely awesome and that they will make life interesting and funny like nothing else - however, if you have them, or are partner to someone who has them (which is what I am), you will discover that they are also stressful like nothing else. They will throw inconveniant temper tantrums when you really really need to comb the nits out of their hair; if they're little they'll need you to accompany them into the toilet and wipe things up for them; when things don't go their way they will tell you that they don't like you; they will demand attention and entertainment when you are utterly drained of energy and feel like you have absolutely nothing left to give them; they will inspire arguments between you and your partner about how problems should be dealt with. And that's any young kids if you're around them a lot, including kids as nice as my partner's daughter. What I've realised is that it's possible to hate the way a kid behaves sometimes, but to not hate the kid themselves, and I think it's easy to end up forgetting to make that distinction. To only identify the kid as their bad side, and because of that, to hate them. And that's utterly wrong. I think we need to do everything we can to stop that from happening.

 

Becoming a stepparent/defacto is a big ask. Unless you want your partner to completely steer clear of parenting while you do all the work, then you are essentially asking that your partner be a loving parent to a kid who is not their own. I agree with Tiki - in this situation, the love is something that must grow and develop, it's not just there the way it is with most biological parents. And it's definately possible - I can safely say I love my partner's daughter to bits, even if she sometimes makes me want to tear my hair out - but just because it's possible, that doesn't make it easy. I often end up feeling devastatingly sad that I'm not a real mother, that I don't have the intense all-encompassing love that a biological parent has, that everything I have with her has to be something I've worked to create, and no matter how much I try it can seem like I'll never come close. Every day I see the bond that my partner and his daughter have, and the fact that I will always be locked out of it kills me.

 

My theory is that a lot of people become stepparents out of desperation, they marry their partner because they think that it will finally make their partner let them come first sometimes (which often doesn't work). Having a partner who is a devoted parent means that it's easy for you to eternally come second to the children. Which hurts like hell, knowing that you'd place your partner before anyone else in the world, and that they would often never be able to say the same thing of you because of their children. Ideally, if you're married, I think your kids and spouse should both come before anything else, even if it means they have to take turns coming first.

 

You need to have good times alone together to make the relationship work because that's what any relationship needs, kids or no kids. When you're a devoted parent, putting time into your partner also makes sure that they see your devotion to them as well as to your children. Because otherwise all they know is the feeling of coming second, and being outside the beautiful bond that a parent has with their child. And that's what leads to stepparents/defactos feeling like they're unimportant and getting jealous. It's a human response, and believe me, you don't choose it. The times I was jealous of my partner's daughter, I would have cut off my arms if I thought that would make it go away, I was utterly aware of how awful it was. The way to deal with it is to make sure that there is thay balance, that your kids and your partner both get a chance to be the most important thing in your life, that neither your kids or your partner end up neglected. If you're role-modelling a good relationship for them, that's certainly not going to do them any harm :)

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melodymatters

That was a good post perdita, thanks for being so honest ! Yeah, as a widowed mom of a daughter I have NEVER said ( as so many do) "MY child will always come first".

 

I just don't think it's healthy for ANYONE : child, myself, partner. I have always said It's "triage", or a democracy, where who ever needs the most care at that time, should get it.

 

If my partner got unfairly fired ,was upset and needed me, NO, the fact that you can't get your cartoon on Tv does not come first simply because you and I are " blood".

 

I love children and have worked with them extensivley and am obviously a single parent myself, but I have RUN in the opposite direction when dating a guy who right off the bat, told me I would always come second because his " children would always come first".

 

I think good people already KNOW, that if a child, any child, is in need, that should come first, but I find it very rude,unfair and unhealthy to set a family dynamic up that way.

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I think good people already KNOW, that if a child, any child, is in need, that should come first, but I find it very rude,unfair and unhealthy to set a family dynamic up that way.

 

Yet another reason that I know that I am a lucky guy, I've never even heard any of these horror stories, or had any idea they could be like this. At any rate this is true. My fiancee and my last serious ex have/had children that I had to learn to deal with. By the way, kudos to any single parents out there, that is a hard deal and a half and you don't get the recognition that you deserve. However, I wasn't 'second' 100% of the time and I did realize to never make my fiancee choose between me and the kids. There where instances where I had to 'sit out and watch' to be sure, but Melody is right, Triage is probably the best way that could have been put. Blended families can be a change for everyone involved, even the bio parents themselves must make changes to facilitate a healthy environment (I.e. like Melody's point). A step isn't simply more money in the house and someone to help take care of the little ones whose needs are to be dropped at the first sign of Suzie's runny nose, Balance is key here.

One more thing, if you are dating someone that has a spoiled, rotten kid, that family dynamic is off to begin with and something to steer clear of regardless of how 'well adjusted' the parent SEEMS to be. They obviously have issues to let their child run around like that, yeah?

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What if the child is evil??

 

Ummm... Yup.... That was my situation. Started out loving both stepkids unconditionally like my own (custodial) until the true colors came out. My life was even threatened by one of them (lock on the bedroom door and slept with one eye open). Both of them were kleptos. Huge denial problem with STBEXH.

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Ummm... Yup.... That was my situation. Started out loving both stepkids unconditionally like my own (custodial) until the true colors came out. My life was even threatened by one of them (lock on the bedroom door and slept with one eye open). Both of them were kleptos. Huge denial problem with STBEXH.

 

What are you going to do? Your life being threatened isn't cool whatsoever, what are your long term plans. Are you guys seeing a counsellor or anything?

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melodymatters

I know, the acronyms were confusing for me at first too, but I think she told us what her plans are by referring to him as her STBEXH :

 

" soon to be ex husband" :cool:

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What are you going to do? Your life being threatened isn't cool whatsoever, what are your long term plans. Are you guys seeing a counsellor or anything?

 

Sson was 19 when this happened -- I've known and practically raised the kid since he was 8. The police were involved and he was sent back to his mother soon after this happened given he was an adult and we no longer had to support him. The other sson is not much different (leaving in June) but knows how to work his father to his advantage. I was able to suck it up for another year before finally having enough of it. Not fair to me or my own children. Been separated since last summer and going through a divorce but we are now considering couselling. So time will tell on that one. We have tons of other issues that need to be dealt with though.

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Yeah I was having a bit of trouble with that short form as well, my bad. *sigh* What really is unfair of that situation is that you had no idea that things would turn out that way. As a step-parent, there are obviously some disciplinary actions that we cannot take so we have to resort to groundings and lectures that the bio parent must back up. Technically speaking we are worth less than even the estranged bp (the one that left or was left) so our only source of credibility comes from the bp remaining. I know that there are times where your hands are tied and some issues are only up to the bp. If they are a wet noodle on the wrong issues, then; 'Houston, we have a problem.' and all we can do is stand and watch as they run roughshod over the house and the family. Good to hear that your won't put up with this sort of behavior and have already taken steps to protect you and your children, hope things work out for you.

:)

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TaylorOneal

I have to say I am on the same page as Perdita for the most part. My step daughter is only 2 1/2 yrs old rite now and I have been a part of her life since birth though. Our situation sucks because her bio mom is a huge piece on drugs and all saw my SD for the first time in a year thursday! Only by chance of running into us at the store. SD was given to me and my H by the state but the mother didnt lose parental rights and has yet to finish case plan only done enough for supervised visitation.

 

I dont think I could put into words the feelings that come with being a 19 yr old FULL TIME step mom who is technically the only mom the child knows but still have to face the future with BM and the ****ty present. I have resentments towards BM (bio mom) mostly and a lot towards my husband and maybe even some towards SD but mostly towards myself. I was not ready for this and when I first got with the husband things were different. I love my SD more than my husband honestly and I love my H more than life itself. I just know that one day she will love her BM and blame and the manipulative BM will turn the SD against me as well.

 

I love her I get extremely defensive and protective of her. I want her to be my own (I am having problems getting pregnant) I feel insecure like I can never give him what his ex did. I feel like I am out of the loop sometimes. I feel like I actually do more parenting as my H leaves everything up to me accept for the fun stuff he does that (we r however on the same page with disapline and other things like no candy, soda, or tea bedtime and so on...) I feel very alone. I am also jealous a little of their realationship how much she loves him and vise versa. It makes it hard to be a step parent without your own child. Financially it gets hard because I had to forfeit all my extras and I still work like crazy. We get NO childsupport but before she was crackhead methadone addict we bought things for the child weekly. I am expected to deal with the BM because when the H does strong points dont get pushed as they do with me. He is very non-confrontational as I am very blunt and to the point.

 

For me the hardest thing is sharing the mother role with someone who does not deserve the title of mommy and never will. But sharing my newlywed and working 50 hours for her also is a little difficult at times to.. But I could never say I hate her I love her to death I hate this situation!

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