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-   -   Disconnected mom/wife (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/parenting/651823-disconnected-mom-wife)

wing81 6th February 2018 1:00 PM

Disconnected mom/wife
 
Our oldest son, who is 6 years old, has started distancing myself from his mom. He no longer depends on her for basic needs and comes to me for anything. When mom offers to help he says no. I am being blamed for turning him away from his mom. We fight too much and she resorts to name calling and insults which he hears. She has on occassion called him a name but he is told by her that she is joking and he should get over it, much like she tells me. The other day our son was not feeling well and wanted to lay down. His mom asked if he wanted her to lay down with him. He said no but from his facial expression could tell he didn't want to upset his mom. When he went to give her a hug and she immediately pulled away and told him no. This really hurt him and crushed me.

I don't know how to make his mom see how she is destroying him. Everything is somebodies else's fault or they need to not take things so seriously and get over it.

CautiouslyOptimistic 6th February 2018 1:06 PM

Offer to go to a few counseling sessions together. Approach it as a family problem, not a "her" problem. Instead of "do you see how you're pushing him away??!!" you should say, "I'm sure it's hurtful when he seems to reject you like that. Let's talk to a counselor about it."

This definitely needs to be nipped in the bud.

BaileyB 6th February 2018 9:43 PM

Counselling is a good idea.

Does she see that there is a problem and is she motivated to change?

Unfortunately, her behavior has consequences. If she continues to call you both names and behave in this way, he will not want to spend time with her.

This kind of behavior can be very damaging to a child. Hopefully, if she can understand how her behavior is affecting your family, she will chose to make a course correction. If she doesn't, you have a decision to make - whether you want to continue to subject yourself and your child to this kind of behavior.

CrazyKatLady 7th February 2018 1:57 AM

You should leave. She and the child should seek counseling. They will benefit from it. It is a problem that can be solved. It is good that you noticed and are concerned, it is good to attend to the situation, but it is negligent of you to harp on a mothers parenting when you could gently guide your partner and child lovingly into counseling.
I live in fear because I had an ex that disliked children, yet wanted to advise me...he would stir up dissention and treat my son and I like we did not exist out at work parties, at college where I attend, but then come into the home where my son and I live at and not care to spend time together, the three of us...he sounded frustrated like you do...if he had really loved me, and even cared a tiny shred for my son, he would have lovingly and gently suggested that there was a problem in a way that doesn't make the situation worse...instead of telling me how I always blamed things on someone or something else...I think my son and I will benefit from counseling, and it is a good suggestion, but we will benefit 50x's more now that he left along with his superb problem solving skills when it comes to family living and single motherhood while supporting two people on meager wages while attending college to better our lives...good luck. I'm sorry your partner is causing you two pain...don't let her actions leave you with a lack of compassion and a willingness to realize that she is flawed and truly does need your help, most likely. Be loving and of good cheer in all that you do. Being a mother is a job that requires the equipment and championship attitude of an Olympic medalist. The pressure is literally life-changing...so much depends on a mother...it is awe inspiring how much affect a mother has, and a good mother will keep trying...you did good to point it out, now please, if she can be convinced because your support is coming from a heart of good, these problems can be overcome easily...give her something to believe in, judgements crush some people, but they can also lead to breakthroughs if handled correctly...I am sure others will not agree with me...but Jesus says, when you are weak, I am strong in you. Jesus knows that weak people need someone to lean on during their times of weakness. Follow His example, and be the strength she needs...it is one option...just saying...

Popsicle 7th February 2018 8:49 AM

Yeah that is bad. Iíve got friends both male and female that tell me stories of how they still deal with the effects of their mother not showing them love when they needed it. Like rejection from your mother.


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