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Step Father vs The Boyfriend


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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:36 PM   #1
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Step Father vs The Boyfriend

So if you live with your GF and have kids with her and live with her kids as well.

What sort of repore do you think you should have with your GF's kids. Your just the boyfriend and you have no say in anything that goes on in thier lives.

Or you the Stepfather, even though you are not married to the mother.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:44 PM   #2
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You are an adult in that household.

Can I assume you help in the payment of the upkeep of the household (rent/mortgage, utilities, food, etc.)??

You and your GF's house, you and your GF's rules!!

As my father used to tell me "My roof, my rules"...

He also used to say "If you don't like it... the front door swings to the right, don't let it hit you in the butt on the way out"
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Old 3rd February 2018, 1:48 AM   #3
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As my father used to tell me "My roof, my rules"...

He also used to say "If you don't like it... the front door swings to the right, don't let it hit you in the butt on the way out"
Doesn't work that great with a 5-year old, especially when he's got Mom and Mom's BF, and Dad and Dad's GF, all with different levels of intention, involvement and parenting skills. You can't expect someone to follow the "rules" when they're too swamped by the changes to understand them.

Mysterio, being a step-parent is one of the harder roles in life, requiring a light touch with a firm hand. Kudos to those that do so successfully...

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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:14 AM   #4
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Its not me. Its my friend DT. The big kids are a challenge. He pays the mortgage. The GF takes care of their shared bio between them. The GF's kids go back and forth to the kids and the parent.

Its just that when you have blended family. You have to have rules to keep thee household up. I feel that because DT and CF sort of slammed their lives together the big kids can go nuts and DT does not have a say.

So I think that if DT was their stepfather, instead of just Mom's BF. Then the household would run smoother.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:20 AM   #5
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So I think that if DT was their stepfather, instead of just Mom's BF. Then the household would run smoother.
Ah, the couple who's lifestyle bugs you endlessly

Hate to disillusion you, but marriage isn't a Holy Grail which makes everything run more smoothly. Plenty of married couples can't get step parenting right either.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:41 AM   #6
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And what would make him the "step-father"? It wouldnt be getting married, it would be the two of them sitting down and hashing out what his role should be. If that's not what's happening right now, that's because they haven't decided to go that route for some reason.

I have two kids and a boyfriend. If I ever live with my boyfriend, it will only be with an understanding that my kids already have a father and a mother. They don't need any more parenting. But I would love for them to have some kind of close relationship with boyfriend (just because he's a great guy and the more love the better). If there were problems in terms of kids not respecting boyfriend or house rules, we'd have to be flexible and figure out how to make things livable for everyone. Maybe it would turn out that boyfriend does need more authority. Or maybe it would turn out that I could pretty much handle it.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 7:49 AM   #7
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When my current husband moved in with my and my kids, we sat down and had a long heart to heart discussion about what role he would have in their lives. We talked about discipline, parental boundaries, how he could interact with my ex, and whatever else came up that we felt needed to be discussed. His biggest complaint about his ex was that he could only be a parent to her children when it was convenient for her. That wasn't fair to the children, or to him. I didn't want him to feel that way again.

Communication is a MUST in blended families. No one should feel left out or minimized. As long as the children are the priority, having more "parents" to raise them should be beneficial to all involved. In blended families everyone has a role, and it is so much easier when that role is clearly defined.

It has worked reasonably well for us for 20 years, and the kids have never treated him like an outsider. They respect him, love him, and appreciate his role in their lives. It hasn't always been easy, but we always worked through the rough patches.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 12:41 PM   #8
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The big son challengd my friend about the fridge saying something like. This is not your fridge. You did not buy it. It was here before you were. I doubt the Mother consulted the kids. She is still legally married to her Ex.

Why my friend is ok with his GF still legally married to her ex and he is having kids with her, is beyond me. Its most probable that she did the leg work and droped into his lap, so for him she made everything easy.

Yet he is in the big kids life and its more of what he is to them. Moms BF that has no say in what they do. Or their Stepdad. Even though its not legal yet.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:32 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Mysterio;7529313[B
]The big son challengd my friend about the fridge saying something like. This is not your fridge. You did not buy it. It was here before you were. [/B] I doubt the Mother consulted the kids. She is still legally married to her Ex.

Why my friend is ok with his GF still legally married to her ex and he is having kids with her, is beyond me. Its most probable that she did the leg work and droped into his lap, so for him she made everything easy.

Yet he is in the big kids life and its more of what he is to them. Moms BF that has no say in what they do. Or their Stepdad. Even though its not legal yet.
The big son could have just as easily said this even if they were married. The problem here isn't a lack of marriage, rather, it's a respect or behavioural issue with the son. Perhaps he has little respect for many around him? If he's like this with the b/f, I'll lay money he's no different with his teachers.

And even if they were married, it's up to mom to lay down expectations and discipline the kids. A marriage certificate doesn't give him the right to discipline children which are not his.

As for the rest, it's just more of the same with you being bothered by your friend's life.
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Old 4th February 2018, 1:18 AM   #10
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Being a step parent is a difficult position to be in. My wife is an exceptional communicator and that helps tremendously. I generally handle all discipline with my daughters. If they are disrespectful towards their step-mom then I handle it. She advises me on any issues she has with my daughters and I in turn handle it. My daughters have gotten to the point where they rely on their step-mom and treat her pretty well. Step parents have every right to stick up for themselves if they are being treated poorly by step kids, but as far as discipline is concerned, that is the job of parents.
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:22 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
So if you live with your GF and have kids with her and live with her kids as well.

What sort of repore do you think you should have with your GF's kids. Your just the boyfriend and you have no say in anything that goes on in thier lives.

Or you the Stepfather, even though you are not married to the mother.
A 'friend' to the children, someone they can talk to, can trust but let her mom dictate punishments. There's no reason why you can't be involved and show them affection and love even if they aren't your kids by blood. You chose their mom so therefore you're also choosing them.

How long have you all lived together? How old are her kids and how old are the kids you have with her?
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:31 AM   #12
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They started dating in Feb 2013. Then she introduced them in March of 2013 and I was actually there. I did not realize that until he told me.

They got pregnant in late 2014 and then he moved in with her and the kids in April 2015 and they had another kid in 2017. She is still technically married to the big kids father.

Thats the way it is and the big son is a handful and is in trouble at school. They don't know if he will graduate. The big son is good with me. I don't see a real bond between the big son and DT. More later.
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