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Thoughts/stories re introducing new bf/gf to kids?


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Old 27th January 2018, 11:18 AM   #16
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No plans to meet his kids and he hasn't even brought it up. He and his ex have been broken up for almost two years but still live together and the kids don't know they're divorcing yet. I feel like the whole situation is too dicey for me to have any interest in being near it.
Does the "ex" know you are dating? I'm not saying this situation is necessarily something to be concerned about, everyone has reasons for their circumstances (in many cases financial), but it is odd for both to still be living together after 2 years. 2 years is a long time. My boyfriend and his ex have been separated and living in different countries for 3-4 years, but are technically still married, and I find this borderline concerning. But living with the ex after 2 years is too much. EG do they still share a room/bed?!

You sound like you have good instincts, grays, but you also sound a little bit easygoing, so be careful!! If I was you I would at least put some conditions on things -- that they have to formally separate!!! Unless you are happy/ok with them living together? Because the longer that goes on, the more status quo that will be.
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:26 AM   #17
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Just looked at your thread from 3 months ago. Apparently, he kept you from the facts that he's married and had a newborn baby, and you had to find those out by internet stalking.
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:30 AM   #18
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My boyfriend was in much the same situation when we first met. They were separated, but he had to legally force his ex to leave the house and that didn't happen until the divorce was final, which took two years.

We started dating as the divorce was being finalized, and although things were going well he decided that he needed time after the divorce... to get his finances in order, to deal with his ex and sort out their new coparenting arrangement, and to get his kids settled in their new circumstances with a new home and a new custody arrangement. He says that had we continued to date at the time, we would not be together now.

Now, not every situation is the same. I'm just saying, be careful with this... don't get too far ahead of yourself.
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:31 AM   #19
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Just looked at your thread from 3 months ago. Apparently, he kept you from the facts that he's married and had a newborn baby, and you had to find those out by internet stalking.
Please keep your kids away. He's still sleeping with his Wife & cheating on her with you.
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:48 AM   #20
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Just looked at your thread from 3 months ago. Apparently, he kept you from the facts that he's married and had a newborn baby, and you had to find those out by internet stalking.
If this is the same guy, please keep your kids away.

Again, why the rush to introduce your kids to the men you are dating? You said you have done this before... I'm don't understand, why?

Last edited by BaileyB; 27th January 2018 at 11:50 AM..
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Old 28th January 2018, 3:23 AM   #21
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Full STOP! Do not introduce your children to a man who still lives with his EX wife. Unless you have met the EX & she has told you he's free to date, you are not the GF. You are the OW.
I agree. This man has you snowed. Have you spoken to his wife? I highly doubt she is aware of any of this.

In the meantime, don't introduce your kids to him until you know the real truth of his home life with his wife. I find it very odd that he hasn't mentioned you meeting his kids. Red flags flapping.

Last edited by whichwayisup; 28th January 2018 at 3:29 AM..
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Old 28th January 2018, 4:53 AM   #22
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You guys, I have totally met her and I like her. He's not sleeping with her. They are in separate rooms. He introduced me to her as his girlfriend.

Most of the reason they're living together is to save money. I think they are also dragging their feet because of the kids. And right now I'm really not concerned about that. My ex and I lived together for a little more than a year after I asked him to move out of the bedroom for exactly the same reasons. We thought long and hard about building an extra kind of suite onto our house so that we could live together indefinitely but have our own space because we really wanted to both be w our kids every day. But, over that year we really started hating each other more and more. We couldn't make it work.

I am fine with him living with them for now. They seem to get along way better than me and my ex, which makes me think they're nicer people. He does want to get out and I do think it would be kind of fun if he did. He talks about how much he wants his own place where everything is his and I can come spend time with him there and it would make him feel like we're on more even footing, not like he's always the visitor. BUT I'm ok with the way things are and I do think its quite possible that things will come up to throw him off track. The way he talks about makes me feel like he's not fully grasping the reality of how hard it will be to move and to have his kids 50% and all that. In a way I think he has it easy now and I'm afraid when he moves out it'll be harder to see him, not easier.

I am easygoing and I'm pretty non-traditional. I dont really care that he's legally married and I feel no jealousy at all about them living together. Before I met her I was really not sure what to believe but even then, when I thought there was afraid that he was still having a relationship with her, my only real concerns were whether she knew (having been the BW in my marriage, I could never do that to another woman) and whether I was going to look up in a year or two only to realize I was in love with someone who is full on married. But those things are not the case.

And truthfully, I am very careful not to assert myself in a way that messes with their relationship. I like her and in a way I think their relationship is more important than the one between me and him (at least for right now). They're parenting together and they have a past. There may still be things between them that need to be resolved. I'm aware that rekindling is always possible, or a tying up of loose ends that could include something physical. Im okay with that. And I'm aware that even the tidiest couplings are risky and this is not tidy.
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Old 28th January 2018, 6:50 AM   #23
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If you have met her, that changes things.

However, I still have concerns about your kids. You are open minded & non traditional. OK, fine. As an adult who understands nuance, that works.

Just think through what messages your kids will take away from this meeting & your relationship if they learn that your new BF still lives with his wife. Understanding that mommy isn't with daddy any more is tough. Understanding that mommy is dating is tough. What conclusions are they supposed to come to about mommy is dating a man who lives with another woman. Of course you aren't going to highlight that info but when your kids learn it, what is their take away supposed to be? It just seems to me in my old fashioned world that you are undermining any sense of permanence, these kids may have. While nothing lasts forever, is that knowledge a 9 year old must really face?
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Old 28th January 2018, 7:57 AM   #24
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I have totally highlighted that info actually. I have talked to them about how their family is going through what we went through and I've even talked to them about how I feel about being in the mix while I wasn't 100% sure what their situation was and how I felt really uncomfortable because I didn't want to be in a position where I was hurting another woman the way I was hurt when my marriage ended. But that eventually I became more comfortable with it because their breakup was very similar to ours except his wife was the cheater. Had their roles been reversed I don't think I could see him the same way.

I don't want to try to convince them that reality is nicer than it actually is. I was married for 25 years and I woulda told you a year before the end that we were super solid and going to be sitting in rocking chairs on our front porch together in another 25 years or so. I didnt know that he was in love with someone else and I can't tell you how shocking it was to me. I was so naive. So I don't want my children to believe that a fairytale life is going to necessarily happen. I do want them to see thoigh that a happy life filled with love is possible. Im afraid that if the only version of a happy life they have in their head's is a white picket fence and all that, that's setting them up for disappointment.

And, I talk to them a lot about what its been like for our marriage to end, how I've felt about it, how I've felt about taking care of myself. How dating and loving others is part of taking care of myself, as well as building stronger connections with platonic friends and about how much I value those relationships.

In fact just a couple of days ago the three of us were in the car and my older asked me if I've ever known anyone in an open relationship and we had an awesome discussion about it including talking about how I had seriously thought about the idea of polyamory myself. I told him (and them bc younger was in the car) that in fact I had pretty seriously dated two men at the same time for over a year who were both in serious long term open relationships with other women. I told them about how one of them seemed like a very healthy couple who both liked arranging their lives that way but that the other couple seemed not so much, that over time as I got to know her it became clearer to me that she was being hurt by it. And also told them that over time I realized that I really wanted monogamy and I wanted to be with someone who I truly loved who loved me and to be committed to each other -- but that not everyone finds that a workable lifestyle.

The only things I don't talk explicitly about with them is their father's relationship, which they do ask about bc he is so secretive about it, and my sex life. My emotional life is fair game, but nobody wants to know about mom having sex.
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Old 28th January 2018, 4:23 PM   #25
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I'm a single mom to an almost 7 year old and have been seeing my boyfriend for amost two years.

Before we started dating me and my boyfriend were friends and back then he met my daughter in a group gathering. Then we started actually dating and I was strict about not introducing him to my daughter - I have never introduced a man to her and have strong opinions on that.

It was only about six months ago that I decided to go easy on this. First time we went to a group BBQ together, so there was literally no pressure for them to hang out together since it was a whole group of people, but they could interact and get more familiar with each other. It went really well and we went out for ice-cream a couple of times after that and had a couple of more group outings, it's all very casual. She doesn't know he's mommy's boyfriend, just that he's a friend.

While I would like for them to get to know each other and get along, I'm very careful about not making him a part of her life. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want her to get attached. So these are some of the boundaries I have when it comes to him:
-He's never in the house when she's there. The house is her home and safe space.
-He's never included in any "big moments".
-No pictures with him.
-No time alone with him.

I broke the last one last week. It's really hectic at work for me this month and I couldn't make time to pick up my daughter from school and take her to her dance classes. So he did it for me. I was anxious the entire day about it, but she didn't seem fazed at all. So maybe we worry about these things more than necessary?

Anyway, I'm very slowly working towards having them get to know each other better, but I'm not letting them get closer unless I know for sure that this relationship is something that's going to last.
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:14 AM   #26
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I'm very careful about not making him a part of her life. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want her to get attached.

So maybe we worry about these things more than necessary?
I never did understand this kind of thinking. Kids meet and get attached to people who will leave their lives all the time.

Every year they meet a new teacher, befriend classmates, get close to kids and coaches on sports teams, neighbors, etc. The following year, they get a new teacher, some of their neighborhood friends move away, some of their classmates disappear, their teammates change up, they get new coaches, and so on. Then there are family members that move away, die, or simply have drama and stop speaking to each other. Of course, parents have friends, too, that the kids know and care about. Sometimes, those folks also move away or stop speaking to each other. Seems to me that it's a normal part of childhood and development to become attached to people who aren't always going to be a part of their lives.


I met my DH when my kids were 6 and 1 years old. I had a fairly active social life and it wasn't uncommon for friends to come over for BBQ, cards, movie and pizza, etc. It also wasn't uncommon for me to load up the kids and their gear to meet up with friends at some festival or event. So, I had some friends over, my DH was one of them, and that's how he met the kids the first few times. After a month or so of that we started spending time together alone with the kids around, sharing meals, watching shows, occasionally going out to some event or other, that kind of thing.

If it wouldn't have worked out I would have seen it as a teaching moment. Something like 80% of all relationships end prior to marriage. Of the 20% that make it to marriage, a little less than half end in divorce. I think it's important for kids to understand that A) it's ok to end a relationship if it just isn't working and B) people feel sad when a relationship ends, but the sky isn't falling and life goes on.
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:30 PM   #27
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ITA, MJJean. I am happy for my kids to have a good idea of what my dating life is like. Just as married parents would want their marriage to be a positive role model for a marriage, I want my dating life to be a positive role model for singleness.
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:43 PM   #28
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When kids meet teachers they know those roll models will be in their lives for a limited time. With their parents' SO, the younger the child the more that child may assume the SO will be around forever.

You seem to have open communication with your children. If you think they can handle it, fine.

I see lots of reasons to be cautious.
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:58 PM   #29
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I never did understand this kind of thinking. Kids meet and get attached to people who will leave their lives all the time.

Every year they meet a new teacher, befriend classmates, get close to kids and coaches on sports teams, neighbors, etc. The following year, they get a new teacher, some of their neighborhood friends move away, some of their classmates disappear, their teammates change up, they get new coaches, and so on. Then there are family members that move away, die, or simply have drama and stop speaking to each other. Of course, parents have friends, too, that the kids know and care about. Sometimes, those folks also move away or stop speaking to each other. Seems to me that it's a normal part of childhood and development to become attached to people who aren't always going to be a part of their lives.


I met my DH when my kids were 6 and 1 years old. I had a fairly active social life and it wasn't uncommon for friends to come over for BBQ, cards, movie and pizza, etc. It also wasn't uncommon for me to load up the kids and their gear to meet up with friends at some festival or event. So, I had some friends over, my DH was one of them, and that's how he met the kids the first few times. After a month or so of that we started spending time together alone with the kids around, sharing meals, watching shows, occasionally going out to some event or other, that kind of thing.

If it wouldn't have worked out I would have seen it as a teaching moment. Something like 80% of all relationships end prior to marriage. Of the 20% that make it to marriage, a little less than half end in divorce. I think it's important for kids to understand that A) it's ok to end a relationship if it just isn't working and B) people feel sad when a relationship ends, but the sky isn't falling and life goes on.

I see it a little bit differently. I feel like family is something permanent, at least I think it should be when it comes to the life of a small child. And I don't want to put a new person in her family circle, someone who may or may not be around.

I don't want her childhood memories as well as my memories of her childhood to have random people in them. I don't want her to remember "that time we went to Disneyland with mom's ex".

I'm fine with introducing them on a friendly basis, just like she knows other friends of mine, but actually bonding and getting attached to each other, I'm not ok with until I know it's going to last.

I feel like when she's older that might change, but as of now I believe that keeping dating and motherhood separate is the way to go.
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Old 29th January 2018, 4:38 PM   #30
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Reading some of the responses here made me...

Reading some of the responses here made me... think of one bad experience I had meeting kids of one of my GF's.

I was head over heels for this one, we were together for a few months, and she had a 2 YO and a 12 YO that I fell in love with. They were both great kids that had some rough times.

The 2 YO, boy, had not had great role models before and he became very attached to me and me to him. Attached in that he only wanted me when I was around, and it kind of pissed his mom off.

Now I should say that I am great with kids, esp babies and toddlers. In fact, I am called the baby whisperer, because I can calm any baby. Basically I just love babies.

So, for what ever reason, this girl pulled away from me and forced me to break up with her. The whole thing sucked, because I did love her, and frankly still do.

So breaking up with her was bad enough, but not seeing the kids, still makes me cry when I think about it. That S*** hurts, a lot.
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