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Thoughts/stories re introducing new bf/gf to kids?


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Old 26th January 2018, 3:20 AM   #1
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Thoughts/stories re introducing new bf/gf to kids?

So, I've been split from my ex for 3 1/2 years (kids have only known for about 2 1/2). I have two boys who're almost 9 and 14. They have briefly met three men who I've dated, but I was very open with them at the time about not wanting a boyfriend and that these guys were more friends than love interests. They've never seen a man other than their dad touch me in a couple-y sorta way. I've been seeing the new guy for about five months and in some ways its serious feeling (tho Im gun shy and feel like there's a lot left to learn about him). Obviously, it would be awesome to work towards a situation where boyfriend and kids can be happy around each other.

I'm getting kind of excited about introducing him to them mostly because I think he's a nice fun guy who treats me great and is generous-hearted and positive and open to people in a nice way. Weather he was just a friend or a boyfriend, he's a good person for my children to know. And I feel like boyfriend can't really know me without knowing my babies and how I am with them. I want to sort of share them with each other, if that makes sense. But I'm not looking towards him being a parental figure at all. All other things being equal (big *if*, I know), I'd be pretty thrilled for them to never have to deal with a step-father. Their dad has them half the time and is very involved.

So, this is my plan: I'm gonna take my kids roller skating (hopefully this saturday, not sure if timing will work for everyone, so might be another weekend soon) and boyfriend will meet us there and we'll all skate. If the vibe feels right (and I really don't wanna push it, it's got to be comfortable for everyone) maybe we can go have a snack after at this french fry and boba place that my kids love. I don't want them or boyfriend to feel trapped or awkward, but give everyone enough space to be comfortable.

So that's my plan and my story. I'm interested in hearing what's worked or not worked for others, or if anyone sees any terrible problems with my plan.
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Old 26th January 2018, 5:08 AM   #2
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Hey grays,

I've never been in the situation you described but I would like to share my point of view.

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I'm getting kind of excited about introducing him to them mostly because I think he's a nice fun guy who treats me great and is generous-hearted and positive and open to people in a nice way.
Do your sons know that you're dating your bf? If they hear him for the first time when you go skating they're going to feel really awkward. I mean, even if you've told them about him before, they're still going to feel weird about another man getting close to their mother. Your plan sounds nice but if I were you, I would have a talk with your kids first. I would also keep the touchiness with the bf to the absolute minimum for this first encounter just to reduce the stress on your kids. You could also consider going to a theme park where your kids will have sufficient distractions to help process the change.

Good luck!
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Old 26th January 2018, 12:45 PM   #3
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Yes! My kids have known about him for a while and I think they feel a little bit like they know him and like him. For a while before xmas our schedules synched up so that he'd call me during our ride home from school in the afternoon a couple times a week and I'd talk to him on speaker in the car with them. They didnt have any direct communication with him during those calls, but my little guy was always full of questions about him.

Boyfriend and I had been talking about how to/when to have them meet for the last month or so but then a few days I mentioned him (ie, "next time bf comes over I'll ask if he can help hang that lamp in your room") and my older one said, "are we ever gonna get to meet him?" And for my big guy, who is very cool and aloof, that was showing great enthusiasm. Little guy had actually asked if he could come with me to meet him once a few weeks ago, but it didn't work out.

I don't think we're gonna be hanging all over each other in front of the kids. I'm a very affectionate touchy person, though, and I think I'll probably just try to be as natural about it as possible.

I was thinking skating would be enough of a distraction and also its a big enough space that if they feel like they dont want to get too close or interact much there won't be any pressure.

I'm hoping to make the whole thing as low key as possible and also to ultimately have them meet on several occassions over a few months before having them all in my home at the same time. So there's no reason to hope they'll get all bondy.
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Old 26th January 2018, 1:29 PM   #4
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Quote:
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... little guy was always full of questions about him...

"are we ever gonna get to meet him?" And for my big guy, who is very cool and aloof, that was showing great enthusiasm. Little guy had actually asked if he could come with me to meet him once a few weeks ago, but it didn't work out.
Sounds like you've done a good job so far. Just keep a close eye on your kids when all of you meet to gauge their feelings. You've got a solid plan and I hope things go well!
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Old 26th January 2018, 1:54 PM   #5
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Thanks! I'm probably overthinking, if anything. Everything would probably go perfectly if I could take a xanax. lol
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Old 26th January 2018, 2:06 PM   #6
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So does new guy have kids?

So does new guy have kids? That is important I think.

I have done it a lot of ways, some probably not the best way. On the other hand, My kids are grown and I only have the youngest at home with me.

One of my mistakes was, at one time, bringing 2 ladies home in the same week. Oops...

The next morning he said, so which one are you dating, and thought for a minute and said honestly neither.

I don't think he approved, but he is almost 21, so whatever.

All of that was before New GF. She has met everyone, we had Thanksgiving and Christmas (we cooked together) at my house.

She was well received and everyone likes her a lot.

I think that the boys are glad to see me settle down for the most part...
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Old 26th January 2018, 2:17 PM   #7
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The plan sounds OK but the timing feels soon for the 9 year old especially. In theory the 14 year old gets that people date.


One of my friends who was a single mom waited a year. Her reasoning was nobody needs to get broken up with before they are at least 16 themselves. Remember if your adult relationship doesn't work out, the kids feel that abandonment too.


What I learned from my EX's then 14 year old son was they also don't know how to act when you or they bump into the EX. I was out with my EX's son (the EX & I were still together). My EX's brother had been dating a lovely woman I'll call L but they broke up. My EX's son had met L when she was dating his uncle. I stopped to chat with L but the son acted really odd, almost impolite. When he got in the car, I asked him about his uncharacteristic behavior & he explained that he thought he was required to be rude to L as a show of loyalty to his uncle. He was kind of irked at me for being nice to her. I set him straight on that regard but it gave me new perspective on how the kids feel so take that into consideration.
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Old 26th January 2018, 2:42 PM   #8
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BP, He's actually got three kids including a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old, which I think helps both in terms of him and I getting each other and I think with him getting my kids, too. It might be a bit of a double-edged sword, tho, bc I think he's a much stricter, demanding parent than I am. I don't think that'll be any kind of issue while he's just seeing them for an hour or two here and there (they're generally well behaved and sweet af ), but if there was ever a living together situation, that could potentially be hard.

d0nnivain, I hear you about attachments and kids having a relationship with him. But my hope is to wade into this very slowly. I'm not imagining trying to get us all together once a week and encouraging some kind of close relationship. It's more likely that they'll see him in a very low key way 4 or 5 times over the next 6 months. I really don't think they'd even notice if we were to break up and he disappears. Like I said, they are close to their dad and I'm not at all looking to force them into a relationship with new guy. My fantasy of how this goes is that six months from now everyone will feel comfortable having boyfriend hanging out in our home. Specifically, I really want for it to feel right to be sitting on my couch hanging out with boyfriend while my kids are asleep without them feeling creeped out. If I can do that six months from now, I'll be on cloud nine.

There is no way I'd wait a year into a serious relationship to introduce my kids. Obviously they're my priority and I wouldn't want to sink a year into a relationship and be that invested before seeing what its like to have him around my kids. Hopefully my picker is on point enough to pass up guys who would be really crappy to/with my kids, but I'm not sure you can really know until you've seen them together if there's room for it to work.
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Old 27th January 2018, 12:10 AM   #9
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Sounds like you are doing everything right.

I agree, I do not think you should be waiting one year to introduce your kids to your boyfriend -- it's very important to see the dynamic.

In hindsight, my boyfriend introduced me to his children quite early on. It was only three months in to the relationship. He introduced me more as a friend the first time, I think. The kids were only 5 and 7 (the younger one had only just turned 5), so I think that made more sense to introduce me as a friend. I was quite surprised he wanted to introduce me so early, but I'm so glad that he did, because it really is important to the overall relationship to see how you may all fit together.

I was quite nervous about that first meeting, but it went so so well. Just keep it casual, as you are doing, and brief-ish, and go from there.

Have you met his kids? Any plans for that to happen?
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Old 27th January 2018, 5:30 AM   #10
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No plans to meet his kids and he hasn't even brought it up. He and his ex have been broken up for almost two years but still live together and the kids don't know they're divorcing yet. I feel like the whole situation is too dicey for me to have any interest in being near it.

And the last thing I'd want is for the kids to feel like I had anything to do with their breakup. My kids HATE the woman my ex left me for. He and his wife were already long over before I met him, but if they meet me in the same time period they find out about him moving out and the divorce, I think they'll feel in their guts that it was about me. It's funny because I have met the ex-W and I totally like her, could see being friends under other circumstances, but I can see her being a real badass and I'm a little scared of her, especially afraid of what it could be like to have a relationship with her children.

It looks like roller skating isn't going to happen tomorrow. My older one wants to go bowling with his friends and I don't feel like being too pushy about this. But actually bowling could be a fun thing to do w boyfriend and kids -- not tomorrow of course bc my kid will be with his friends, but maybe in the near future.
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:30 AM   #11
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I've been the girlfriend in this situation, meeting my boyfriend's son who is about the same age. And, I've also had the experience of being an (adult) daughter, having my father's new relationship forced upon me... So, that definitely affected my thoughts on how to make this introduction.

We did exactly as you are planning to do. When I met his son, we had been dating for about 6 months. He told his son about me, and then we waited 2 months until we met. We went mini golfing and we had stayed for a drink together. I liked that because it was a neutral third party location (I was not coming to their home). It was also a short, time limited introduction. It was awkward, but ok.

He and his son like to play board games, and they like to have a third player. So, a few weeks later I got an invitation to go to the house to play board games. For the next year, I would go to the house for dinner and play board games. We went out for dinner a few times for birthdays. We also went out together to go golfing and we went to an amusement park.

It's been a slow introduction. We ask everytime if he is ok wih me coming over, and the answer is always yes. He has only seen us kiss once, and I have just recently stayed over at the house when he was there. I wanted to be sure that he did not feel threatened or uncomfortable, that I would move in or take away his time with his dad. As a result... We have not had a moment of difficulty. He is always pleasant, friendly, and agreeable to my visits. I even got a Christmas gift this year.

I am a firm believer that slow and steady wins the race. And I would never make this introduction if both partners were not confident that it was a relationship that would go the distance. It's not fair to introduce someone to a child and let them become attached, only to have that person come and go from their lives.

Good luck!

Last edited by BaileyB; 27th January 2018 at 10:32 AM..
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:35 AM   #12
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He and his ex have been broken up for almost two years but still live together and the kids don't know they're divorcing yet. I feel like the whole situation is too dicey for me to have any interest in being near it.
Yikes! I don't think I would be introducing my kids to a man who is not divorced and still living at home with his wife and his kids. Too dicey for you to meet his kids, and too dicey for him to meet yours... in my humble opinion.

Last edited by BaileyB; 27th January 2018 at 10:41 AM..
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:54 AM   #13
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Quote:
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No plans to meet his kids and he hasn't even brought it up. He and his ex have been broken up for almost two years but still live together and the kids don't know they're divorcing yet. I feel like the whole situation is too dicey for me to have any interest in being near it.

Full STOP! Do not introduce your children to a man who still lives with his EX wife. Unless you have met the EX & she has told you he's free to date, you are not the GF. You are the OW.
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:03 AM   #14
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Full STOP! Do not introduce your children to a man who still lives with his EX wife. Unless you have met the EX & she has told you he's free to date, you are not the GF. You are the OW.
Absolutely.

To introduce your children this this man now is in your best interest, definitely not theirs...
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Old 27th January 2018, 11:10 AM   #15
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OP: If you don't mind me asking, why would you get into a relationship with a guy who is still living with his wife? How can you just buy the story he told you?
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